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PPPP Testing Thread Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5492

I will be using this thread as a sort of "post preview" to catch any formatting errors before it's too late to correct them.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5494

This line is just here to get the following title to display properly.
BEFORE
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>You feel the familiar tingle of nearby magic, and notice that the pitch-blackness is becoming less so, and more like a very deep red, as the amount of light filtering in creeps up to the point at which your new eyes can detect it.

>The red light gradually brightens until a pinprick of white light appears directly in front of you. It grows into a larger circle until it completely fills your field of view.
>You can't make anything out whatsoever, but from the conversation you overheard, that wasn't the goal in the first place.
>Soon after the viewing port reaches its maximum size, it starts to shrink and blur a bit, but only momentarily, before reëxpanding and stabilizing.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. The white light dims, and you think you can vaguely make out a yellowish area.

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't look at them, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle and your eyes detect a drop in the brightness of your field of view.

>Your brain and eyes still aren't coöperating, so the image you see (if it could even be called an image) is corrupted, as if garbled and mixed with white noise. On top of this, your eyes aren't fully developed, so you'd be legally blind even if you could get your eyes and brain to interface properly.
>Nevertheless, you can vaguely make out a large shape move into your field of view.
>> I
>>
>> C
>>
>> U
>>
>>
>> U
>>
>> R
>>
>> Y
>> E
>> L
>> L
>> O
>> W
> Fluttershy giggles. "Well, that's a good sign; at least you can see at least a little, and there's been no change in your perception of color. I guess that answers that old question."
> That actually hadn't occurred to you, the question of qualia and how they could vary between people. However, you're hesitant to draw any conclusions from this single datum.
>> S
>> A
>> M
>> P
>Fluttershy clears her throat. "Um, I actually think I've gotten the hang of this; you don't have to go so slowly anymore."
>You smile inwardly, glad to be able to return to your normal speed.
>> SAMPLE SIZE TOO LOW
>> OTHER CONFOUNDING VARIABLES
>"Oh, of course. Still, it's interesting."
>You nod.

[…]

>The light begins to return as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>The grainy yellow blob that is Fluttershy moves slightly, and then disappears as your vision goes pitch black again.

Seriously, MLPchan, get your act together
AFTER
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>Twilight's heart is pumping faster than normal. You hear her take a deep breath, and then let it out.

>"Okay, here goes nothing." The trepidation in her voice is unmistakable, but you can tell she trusts Fluttershy's judgement.
>You hope she's right.
>You notice a subtle shift in the pattern of Twilight's breathing, a change which you recognize as marking a spell being cast.
>Her heart rate elevates, and you are roughly able to follow the progression of the spell by listening closely and picturing the process in your mind. Eventually, after faltering briefly, her breathing stabilizes, and you figure she has finished opening the window.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. "Hi, Glimmer! Are you feeling well? Ready to get started?"

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes. This doesn't actually block anything out, but it's part of your familiar routine, and it does make the complete lack of input less conspicuous.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't feel them directly, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle, and it seems to grow louder as Fluttershy leans closer. You briefly lament the fact that you can't see her even with the obstruction removed, but quickly refocus on the task before you.

I moved the increase in "typing speed" down to ">> FACIAL EXPRESSIONS".

[…]

>The ambient sounds change again as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>You feel yourself being jostled slightly, and you hear the shift in the tempo of Twilight's breathing and heart rate that signal the disruption of a spell.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5495

* Test

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5496

● Before
[/h]
● AFTER
[h]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5497

● Before
.

● AFTER
!

● Test:
?

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5498

>>506336
● Before:
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>You feel the familiar tingle of nearby magic, and notice that the pitch-blackness is becoming less so, and more like a very deep red, as the amount of light filtering in creeps up to the point at which your new eyes can detect it.

>The red light gradually brightens until a pinprick of white light appears directly in front of you. It grows into a larger circle until it completely fills your field of view.
>You can't make anything out whatsoever, but from the conversation you overheard, that wasn't the goal in the first place.
>Soon after the viewing port reaches its maximum size, it starts to shrink and blur a bit, but only momentarily, before reëxpanding and stabilizing.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. The white light dims, and you think you can vaguely make out a yellowish area.

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't look at them, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle and your eyes detect a drop in the brightness of your field of view.

>Your brain and eyes still aren't coöperating, so the image you see (if it could even be called an image) is corrupted, as if garbled and mixed with white noise. On top of this, your eyes aren't fully developed, so you'd be legally blind even if you could get your eyes and brain to interface properly.
>Nevertheless, you can vaguely make out a large shape move into your field of view.
>> I
>>
>> C
>>
>> U
>>
>>
>> U
>>
>> R
>>
>> Y
>> E
>> L
>> L
>> O
>> W
> Fluttershy giggles. "Well, that's a good sign; at least you can see at least a little, and there's been no change in your perception of color. I guess that answers that old question."
> That actually hadn't occurred to you, the question of qualia and how they could vary between people. However, you're hesitant to draw any conclusions from this single datum.
>> S
>> A
>> M
>> P
>Fluttershy clears her throat. "Um, I actually think I've gotten the hang of this; you don't have to go so slowly anymore."
>You smile inwardly, glad to be able to return to your normal speed.
>> SAMPLE SIZE TOO LOW
>> OTHER CONFOUNDING VARIABLES
>"Oh, of course. Still, it's interesting."
>You nod.

[…]

>The light begins to return as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>The grainy yellow blob that is Fluttershy moves slightly, and then disappears as your vision goes pitch black again.

● After:
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>Twilight's heart is pumping faster than normal. You hear her take a deep breath, and then let it out.

>"Okay, here goes nothing." The trepidation in her voice is unmistakable, but you can tell she trusts Fluttershy's judgement.
>You hope she's right.
>You notice a subtle shift in the pattern of Twilight's breathing, a change which you recognize as marking a spell being cast.
>Her heart rate elevates, and you are roughly able to follow the progression of the spell by listening closely and picturing the process in your mind. Eventually, after faltering briefly, her breathing stabilizes, and you figure she has finished opening the window.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. "Hi, Glimmer! Are you feeling well? Ready to get started?"

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes. This doesn't actually block anything out, but it's part of your familiar routine, and it does make the complete lack of input less conspicuous.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't feel them directly, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle, and it seems to grow louder as Fluttershy leans closer. You briefly lament the fact that you can't see her even with the obstruction removed, but quickly refocus on the task before you.

I moved the increase in "typing speed" down to ">> FACIAL EXPRESSIONS".

[…]

>The ambient sounds change again as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>You feel yourself being jostled slightly, and you hear the shift in the tempo of Twilight's breathing and heart rate that signal the disruption of a spell.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5499

>>123456

>>506336

● Before:
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>You feel the familiar tingle of nearby magic, and notice that the pitch-blackness is becoming less so, and more like a very deep red, as the amount of light filtering in creeps up to the point at which your new eyes can detect it.

>The red light gradually brightens until a pinprick of white light appears directly in front of you. It grows into a larger circle until it completely fills your field of view.
>You can't make anything out whatsoever, but from the conversation you overheard, that wasn't the goal in the first place.
>Soon after the viewing port reaches its maximum size, it starts to shrink and blur a bit, but only momentarily, before reëxpanding and stabilizing.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. The white light dims, and you think you can vaguely make out a yellowish area.

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't look at them, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle and your eyes detect a drop in the brightness of your field of view.

>Your brain and eyes still aren't coöperating, so the image you see (if it could even be called an image) is corrupted, as if garbled and mixed with white noise. On top of this, your eyes aren't fully developed, so you'd be legally blind even if you could get your eyes and brain to interface properly.
>Nevertheless, you can vaguely make out a large shape move into your field of view.
>> I
>>
>> C
>>
>> U
>>
>>
>> U
>>
>> R
>>
>> Y
>> E
>> L
>> L
>> O
>> W
> Fluttershy giggles. "Well, that's a good sign; at least you can see at least a little, and there's been no change in your perception of color. I guess that answers that old question."
> That actually hadn't occurred to you, the question of qualia and how they could vary between people. However, you're hesitant to draw any conclusions from this single datum.
>> S
>> A
>> M
>> P
>Fluttershy clears her throat. "Um, I actually think I've gotten the hang of this; you don't have to go so slowly anymore."
>You smile inwardly, glad to be able to return to your normal speed.
>> SAMPLE SIZE TOO LOW
>> OTHER CONFOUNDING VARIABLES
>"Oh, of course. Still, it's interesting."
>You nod.

[…]

>The light begins to return as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>The grainy yellow blob that is Fluttershy moves slightly, and then disappears as your vision goes pitch black again.

● After:
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>Twilight's heart is pumping faster than normal. You hear her take a deep breath, and then let it out.

>"Okay, here goes nothing." The trepidation in her voice is unmistakable, but you can tell she trusts Fluttershy's judgement.
>You hope she's right.
>You notice a subtle shift in the pattern of Twilight's breathing, a change which you recognize as marking a spell being cast.
>Her heart rate elevates, and you are roughly able to follow the progression of the spell by listening closely and picturing the process in your mind. Eventually, after faltering briefly, her breathing stabilizes, and you figure she has finished opening the window.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. "Hi, Glimmer! Are you feeling well? Ready to get started?"

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes. This doesn't actually block anything out, but it's part of your familiar routine, and it does make the complete lack of input less conspicuous.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't feel them directly, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle, and it seems to grow louder as Fluttershy leans closer. You briefly lament the fact that you can't see her even with the obstruction removed, but quickly refocus on the task before you.

I moved the increase in "typing speed" down to ">> FACIAL EXPRESSIONS".

[…]

>The ambient sounds change again as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>You feel yourself being jostled slightly, and you hear the shift in the tempo of Twilight's breathing and heart rate that signal the disruption of a spell.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5500

>>506336
● Before:
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>You feel the familiar tingle of nearby magic, and notice that the pitch-blackness is becoming less so, and more like a very deep red, as the amount of light filtering in creeps up to the point at which your new eyes can detect it.

>The red light gradually brightens until a pinprick of white light appears directly in front of you. It grows into a larger circle until it completely fills your field of view.
>You can't make anything out whatsoever, but from the conversation you overheard, that wasn't the goal in the first place.
>Soon after the viewing port reaches its maximum size, it starts to shrink and blur a bit, but only momentarily, before reëxpanding and stabilizing.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. The white light dims, and you think you can vaguely make out a yellowish area.

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't look at them, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle and your eyes detect a drop in the brightness of your field of view.

>Your brain and eyes still aren't coöperating, so the image you see (if it could even be called an image) is corrupted, as if garbled and mixed with white noise. On top of this, your eyes aren't fully developed, so you'd be legally blind even if you could get your eyes and brain to interface properly.
>Nevertheless, you can vaguely make out a large shape move into your field of view.
>> I
>>
>> C
>>
>> U
>>
>>
>> U
>>
>> R
>>
>> Y
>> E
>> L
>> L
>> O
>> W
> Fluttershy giggles. "Well, that's a good sign; at least you can see at least a little, and there's been no change in your perception of color. I guess that answers that old question."
> That actually hadn't occurred to you, the question of qualia and how they could vary between people. However, you're hesitant to draw any conclusions from this single datum.
>> S
>> A
>> M
>> P
>Fluttershy clears her throat. "Um, I actually think I've gotten the hang of this; you don't have to go so slowly anymore."
>You smile inwardly, glad to be able to return to your normal speed.
>> SAMPLE SIZE TOO LOW
>> OTHER CONFOUNDING VARIABLES
>"Oh, of course. Still, it's interesting."
>You nod.

[…]

>The light begins to return as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>The grainy yellow blob that is Fluttershy moves slightly, and then disappears as your vision goes pitch black again.

● After:
*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*≈≈≈*

>Twilight's heart is pumping faster than normal. You hear her take a deep breath, and then let it out.

>"Okay, here goes nothing." The trepidation in her voice is unmistakable, but you can tell she trusts Fluttershy's judgement.
>You hope she's right.
>You notice a subtle shift in the pattern of Twilight's breathing, a change which you recognize as marking a spell being cast.
>Her heart rate elevates, and you are roughly able to follow the progression of the spell by listening closely and picturing the process in your mind. Eventually, after faltering briefly, her breathing stabilizes, and you figure she has finished opening the window.
>Experimentally, you kick out a message.
>> H
>> I
>There's a brief pause, and then you hear a giggle. "Hi, Glimmer! Are you feeling well? Ready to get started?"

[…]

>You nod again, and close your eyes. This doesn't actually block anything out, but it's part of your familiar routine, and it does make the complete lack of input less conspicuous.


[…]

>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't feel them directly, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."


[…]

>You hear a giggle, and it seems to grow louder as Fluttershy leans closer. You briefly lament the fact that you can't see her even with the obstruction removed, but quickly refocus on the task before you.

I moved the increase in "typing speed" down to ">> FACIAL EXPRESSIONS".

[…]

>The ambient sounds change again as your mother casts the spell for the third time, forming a window through which Fluttershy can see you.


[…]

>You feel yourself being jostled slightly, and you hear the shift in the tempo of Twilight's breathing and heart rate that signal the disruption of a spell.

Anonymous 5501

>>506439
[…]

>>Twilight's heart is pumping faster than normal. You hear her take a deep breath, and then let it out.

Should I drop this comma?

>>You notice a subtle shift in the pattern of Twilight's breathing, a change which you recognize as marking a spell being cast.

Is the subject clear enough from context for me to just say "her"?

>>You really want to try your horn at some magic, but you have at least a few weeks until that'll be an option, if you remember your books on prenatal development accurately.

Marking this for later, because I still need to nail down when exactly magic will be possible.

>>There's a brief pause before you hear Fluttershy's muffled response.

>>"I was thinking the same thing. Okay…" Fluttershy trails off. "Hmm. Before we start, are you able to shake and nod your head? That'd help a lot."
Is the subject clear enough from context for me to just say "she"?

>>Well, it's actually more like rocking your head forwards and backwards by moving your entire neck, but it gets the message across.

I can never keep it straight whether it's -wards or -ward.

>>"Okay then. We'll start by trying working on your proprioception. Try and tune out as many distractions as you can."

Should there be a comma after "Okay"? Is it proprioception or kinesthesis?

>>You nod again, and close your eyes.

Should I drop this comma?

>>It's not difficult to tune out your surroundings, as you've more or less been doing so for a while now.

Is this "as" being used correctly?

>>"Good. Now, I need you to keep your legs still for the moment and try to get a feel for where they are. Don't feel them directly, and don't work off of memory; let your legs tell you where they are, and try to mentally picture their positions."

Should it be "the moment" or "a moment"? Should I say "touch them directly"?

>>No, "numb" is the wrong word. They feel… separate. Under your control but not truly "you", as if you were remotely operating some sort of machine.

Should I add a comma after "control"?

>>You find it difficult to put into words, or even put your hoof on it, but there's an unmistakable impression that all your actions have been transitive. That is, instead of moving (v. intr.), you've been moving (v. tr.) your body.

Would it be incorrect to add a "quite" after "even"?

>>You hear a giggle, and it seems to grow louder as Fluttershy leans closer. You briefly lament the fact that you can't see her even with the obstruction removed, but quickly refocus on the task before you.

Should I add a "you" after "but"?

>"Sorry, Fluttershy, but that's about all I can do. I can hold the spell for a couple more minutes to let you wrap things up, but it's getting late and I'm exhausted."

Should I say "could"?

>"Thanks for doing this, Fluttershy. You're being such a big help, and I just wanted to thank you in advance for all the time you're spending on us."

Should this say "you'll be"?

>>Fluttershy blushes. "Oh it's nothing, really. When I realized I could help, I just had to. Now let's finish this session so you can get some rest; it'll be good for both of you."

Should I add a comma after "Now"?

>>Fluttershy clears her throat. "Um, I actually think I've gotten the hang of this; you don't have to go so slowly anymore."

Would the sentence read better if I changed this to "actually, I"?

>>"Um, that's… a little involved. We should probably wait until you've gotten the hang of your legs to move on to the more intricate movements."

Should I add an "after" after "until" (or maybe change "to move" to "before moving")?

>>You sigh through a lungful of amniotic fluid.

Should "through" be "with"? It's really more of a "by means of" situation.

>>It'd been a silly thing to do, of course, and you'd[b] suspected the outcome before [b]you'd done the the test. But still, it's a little disheartening to discover just how limited your options for communication are.

More tense confusion. Should these be "It was", "you", and "you did" (or "doing"), respectively?

>"I-I mean, it's not that bad; I'm pretty sure I got the general idea for… some of those." She sighs. "Glimmer, you can't rush this. What you've been through is the neurological equivalent of a massively traumatic event; we need to take things one step at a time.

Was it just the "equivalent of" trauma, or was it actually traumatic? I'm not good with technical terms. Also, are these clauses related enough to connect with a semicolon, or should I split them into two sentences (or join them with a conjunction)?

>>You feel yourself being jostled slightly, and you hear the shift in the tempo of Twilight's breathing and heart rate that signal the disruption of a spell.

Should it be "the shifts in the tempos", since we're talking about both breathing and heart rate, or should I just change "signal" to "signals"?

>>You'd told her to flick your horn, but you decide it's not important enough to make a fuss about right now.

Should "You'd" be "You"?

>>Fluttershy smiles. "It went great. She's responding to standard treatment, so that's a big load off my withers."

It feels weird using "great" as an adverb. Is there a word for "very well"?

[…]


That marks the end of the first thread, and I believe the last of the edits I've made so far regarding Glimmer's age/sight. I think now I'll start linking to the original posts in this thread for context, since they haven't 404ed yet.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5502

>>5501
>>>It'd been a silly thing to do, of course, and you'd[b] suspected the outcome before [b]you'd done the the test. But still, it's a little disheartening to discover just how limited your options for communication are.
Oops, I guess I should actually look inside the [h] boxes when I'm testing.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5503

>>5501
>>>It'd been a silly thing to do, of course, and you'd[b] suspected the outcome before [b]you'd done the the test. But still, it's a little disheartening to discover just how limited your options for communication are.
Oops, I guess I should actually look inside the [h] boxes when I'm testing.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5504

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5506

>>506491
[…]

>>451539

>"Oh, of course. I think a regular schedule would be the best plan. Since there's not much time left before she's due to be born, we should probably meet once a day, if that's not too much for you to handle."
I'll need to edit this as well to account for the change in Glimmer's age. Do you think daily meetings still make sense with five months to go?

>"It doesn't have to be a big thing, just my way of expressing my gratitude, a nice dinner between friends."

Should I change this comma to a colon (or a period)?

>"I was thinking we could eat to wind down after a session. As for how often we'd do it, I guess we can figure that out as we go along."

>[…]
>>This seems to put Fluttershy at ease, as she smiles and visibly relaxes. "Thanks, that sounds lovely."
Is "as" being used correctly in these sentences?

>>After Fluttershy has left, you lock up the library with your magic.

Should I say "lock the library up"?

>>It's been a long, stressful day, and you're exhausted from sustaining the invisibility spell. You make a mental note to work on optimizing the spell for window-viewing as you make a beeline for your bedroom.

Is this hyphen appropriate?

>>You hear a faint yawn, and a small amount of shifting.

Shifting would be felt more than heard. Should I fix this?

>>It takes you a moment to decipher the signals you're getting from your sense of balance, but Twilight seems to be laying on her side.

This should be "lying", shouldn't it?

>>Sure enough, the sound of steady breaths and light, intermittent snoring soon confirms your mother has drifted off to sleep.

Should this be "sounds"?

>>You smile. Or at least you tell your lips to smile; whether they got the message you are unsure.

Should I say "you are unsure whether they got the message"?

>>Not that you'd been uncomfortable before, however. The warm embrace of your mother's womb manages to feel cozy rather than cramped. Being cradled by a wall of the strongest muscles of a pony's body makes you feel incredibly safe.

More tense confusion. Should this be "you were"?

>>You'd been upset about your predicament at the beginning, but now you realize you're probably the most comfortable anypony has ever been.

More tense confusion. Should this be "You were"?

>>You turn over, and still find yourself awake. Relaxed, but fully alert.

Should I drop this comma, or replace "and" with "but you"?

>>You mentally sigh. You're apparently going to have to lie here alone for several hours, with nothing to do, unable to fall asleep.

Is she really lying, or just floating?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5507

>>506718
[…]

>>455350

>>You go over the last few hours in your mind, trying to think if anything had come up since you last considered the question.
Should this be "came" or "has come"?

>>Without a fully operational horn to give you information about the surrounding magical fields, you can't know for sure exactly which invisibility spell Twilight had been using.

I might change this to "functioning", depending on what I decide as far as the timeline for prenatal magic.

>>In fact, with a new body, you'ren't sure whether you'll ever be quite as adept at spell-mimicry ever again, but you try not to dwell on that idea at the moment.

Should this be "for the moment"?

>>However, theoretical magic is not your area of expertise. You'd always seen it as a discipline for pegasi and earth ponies, or for unicorns with limited magical abilities. It occurs to you that you've always taken for granted your ability to quickly test spells yourself to see if they worked.

Should "You'd" be "You"? Should I change "It occurs to you" to "you realize"?

>>.You've of course always been aware that casting experimental spells was inherently dangerous (though obviously you haven't always been careful enough), but you're beginning to fear it may have also been a crutch, allowing you to get by with a less extensive understanding of the underlying principles.

Should this be "Of course, you've"? Should "was" be "is"? Or I could just change "that casting experimental spells was injerently dangerous" to "of the inherent dangers of casting experimental spells".

>>You shake your head to try to clear your mind, and try to focus on your goal.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Unlike the theoreticians, you have an additional handicap in that you don't even have a quill and[/b} parchment to work with; you'll have to do all of the work in your head.

Should this be "or"? How do I indicate that she doesn't have either?

>>You [b]start
by recalling all of the invisibility spells you know, and then choosing the one closest to the task you're attempting.
Is there a difference between "start" and "begin"?

>>Fortunately, your mind's eye is still functioning perfectly. You imagine a chalkboard spread out before you, and try to picture the the magical formula for the invisibility spell written across the top. It takes a while, but eventually you're able to hold the whole image in your mind without it flickering.

Should I drop this comma? Should I say "you're eventually"? Should I say "faltering"?

>>Once you manage to visualize the image with a minimum of mental effort, you make the preliminary tweaks you imagine Twilight made in order for the spell to only affect her abdominal wall. You write these in a second line on the blackboard.

Is "in" the correct preposition here?

>>Some quick calculations confirm that this modified spell would indeed require much more concentration and energy than the original, and also reveal the source of the problem.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "they" after "and"?

>>The downside of this approach, at least for Twilight's purpose, is that because the invisibility spell alters a fundamental property of the target, the contiguity field is built into foundational levels of the spell, influencing its structure as a whole.

What's the difference between "into" and "in to"?

>>This means that Twilight essentially had to add a new routine on top of everything in order to constantly redefine the extent of the spell's effect, and it had to be significantly stronger than the field it was suppressing.

Should this be "meant"?

>>This meant that, by casting the spell, Twilight had been sustaining two opposing fields, such that the actual effect was the difference between the two. Like a train chugging along with its brakes partially engaged, she still reached her goal, but a large proportion of the energy she put in ended up being wasted.

Should this be "means"? Should this be "portion"?

>>This is certainly possible; the spell isn't so prohibitively complicated that it's an unreasonable task. However, it certain wouldn't've been your first pick for a problem to solve entirely in your head.


>>This is certainly possible; the spell isn't so prohibitively complicated that it's an unreasonable task. However, it certain wouldn't've been your first pick for a problem to solve entirely in your head.

Are "pick", "choice", and "selection" interchangeable? I'm looking for a word that corresponds to "option", not "choose".

>>Now comes the tricky part; you have to come up with a replacement without losing your concentration and forgetting everything you'd "written", forcing you to start over.

Should I change this semicolon to a colon? Should "you'd" be "you've"?

>>After thinking on and off for a minute or two, you decide on a multilayered approach, using the intersection of a geometric field with multiple stacked anatomical fields. It's by no means the most elegant solution, but it gets the job done for an acceptable projected energy cost.

Should I say "acceptably low"?

>>You substitute these in for the original contiguity field and begin the painstaking process of rebuilding the spell, fitting the other elements into the new framework, or replacing them with their closest equivalents when necessary.

Is this "in" necessary? Should I drop this comma?

>>After quite some time, you've built the spell back up to a level analogous to the original, and run it through some basic validity tests in order to double-check it for any errors.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "you" after "and"? Is "double-check" hyphenated?

>>Once you're satisfied with the result, you begin simplifying it, combining like terms and excising redundancies. Not long after, you have something you're willing to call finalized (or at least v1.0), which you run through the same tests, and a few more, just to be safe.

Should I say "Not much later", or just "Soon"?

>>Once you're satisfied with the result, you begin simplifying it, combining like terms and excising redundancies. Not long after, you have something you're willing to call finalized (or at least v1.0), which you run through the same tests, and a few more, just to be safe.

Should I drop this comma, or put "and a few more, just to be safe" in parentheses?

>>455351

>>You remember your session with Fluttershy, and decide it'd be the best use of the remaining time to continue with the exercises she'd instructed you on.
Should I drop this comma? Should "she'd" be "she"?

>>You freeze immediately when you hear (and feel) a light groan, and feel a slight shifting of position. You hope the response was autonomic and you didn't just almost awaken your mother, but there's no way to know for sure.

Should I drop this comma? Is this phrase worded correctly? It seems off somehow, like it doesn't fit.

>On the final hoof, that might not be enough to counteract her irritation and early-morning crankiness.

Should this be hyphenated?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5508

>>506718
[…]

>>455350

>>You go over the last few hours in your mind, trying to think if anything had come up since you last considered the question.
Should this be "came" or "has come"?

>>Without a fully operational horn to give you information about the surrounding magical fields, you can't know for sure exactly which invisibility spell Twilight had been using.

I might change this to "functioning", depending on what I decide as far as the timeline for prenatal magic.

>>In fact, with a new body, you'ren't sure whether you'll ever be quite as adept at spell-mimicry ever again, but you try not to dwell on that idea at the moment.

Should this be "for the moment"?

>>However, theoretical magic is not your area of expertise. You'd always seen it as a discipline for pegasi and earth ponies, or for unicorns with limited magical abilities. It occurs to you that you've always taken for granted your ability to quickly test spells yourself to see if they worked.

Should "You'd" be "You"? Should I change "It occurs to you" to "you realize"?

>>.You've of course always been aware that casting experimental spells was inherently dangerous (though obviously you haven't always been careful enough), but you're beginning to fear it may have also been a crutch, allowing you to get by with a less extensive understanding of the underlying principles.

Should this be "Of course, you've"? Should "was" be "is"? Or I could just change "that casting experimental spells was injerently dangerous" to "of the inherent dangers of casting experimental spells".

>>You shake your head to try to clear your mind, and try to focus on your goal.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Unlike the theoreticians, you have an additional handicap in that you don't even have a quill and parchment to work with; you'll have to do all of the work in your head.

Should this be "or"? How do I indicate that she doesn't have either?

>>You start by recalling all of the invisibility spells you know, and then choosing the one closest to the task you're attempting.

Is there a difference between "start" and "begin"?

>>Fortunately, your mind's eye is still functioning perfectly. You imagine a chalkboard spread out before you, and try to picture the the magical formula for the invisibility spell written across the top. It takes a while, but eventually you're able to hold the whole image in your mind without it flickering.

Should I drop this comma? Should I say "you're eventually"? Should I say "faltering"?

>>Once you manage to visualize the image with a minimum of mental effort, you make the preliminary tweaks you imagine Twilight made in order for the spell to only affect her abdominal wall. You write these in a second line on the blackboard.

Is "in" the correct preposition here?

>>Some quick calculations confirm that this modified spell would indeed require much more concentration and energy than the original, and also reveal the source of the problem.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "they" after "and"?

>>The downside of this approach, at least for Twilight's purpose, is that because the invisibility spell alters a fundamental property of the target, the contiguity field is built into foundational levels of the spell, influencing its structure as a whole.

What's the difference between "into" and "in to"?

>>This means that Twilight essentially had to add a new routine on top of everything in order to constantly redefine the extent of the spell's effect, and it had to be significantly stronger than the field it was suppressing.

Should this be "meant"?

>>This meant that, by casting the spell, Twilight had been sustaining two opposing fields, such that the actual effect was the difference between the two. Like a train chugging along with its brakes partially engaged, she still reached her goal, but a large proportion of the energy she put in ended up being wasted.

Should this be "means"? Should this be "portion"?

>>This is certainly possible; the spell isn't so prohibitively complicated that it's an unreasonable task. However, it certain wouldn't've been your first pick for a problem to solve entirely in your head.

Are "pick", "choice", and "selection" interchangeable? I'm looking for a word that corresponds to "option", not "choose".

>>Now comes the tricky part; you have to come up with a replacement without losing your concentration and forgetting everything you'd "written", forcing you to start over.

Should I change this semicolon to a colon? Should "you'd" be "you've"?

>>After thinking on and off for a minute or two, you decide on a multilayered approach, using the intersection of a geometric field with multiple stacked anatomical fields. It's by no means the most elegant solution, but it gets the job done for an acceptable projected energy cost.

Should I say "acceptably low"?

>>You substitute these in for the original contiguity field and begin the painstaking process of rebuilding the spell, fitting the other elements into the new framework, or replacing them with their closest equivalents when necessary.

Is this "in" necessary? Should I drop this comma?

>>After quite some time, you've built the spell back up to a level analogous to the original, and run it through some basic validity tests in order to double-check it for any errors.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "you" after "and"? Is "double-check" hyphenated?

>>Once you're satisfied with the result, you begin simplifying it, combining like terms and excising redundancies. Not long after, you have something you're willing to call finalized (or at least v1.0), which you run through the same tests, and[b] a few more, just to be safe.

Should I say "Not much later", or just "Soon"? Should I drop this comma, or put "and a few more, just to be safe" in parentheses?

>>455351

>>You remember your session with [b]Fluttershy, and
decide it'd be the best use of the remaining time to continue with the exercises she'd instructed you on.
Should I drop this comma? Should "she'd" be "she"?

>>You freeze immediately when you hear (and feel) a light groan, and feel a slight shifting of position. You hope the response was autonomic and you didn't just almost awaken your mother, but there's no way to know for sure.

Should I drop this comma? Is this phrase worded correctly? It seems off somehow, like it doesn't fit.

>On the final hoof, that might not be enough to counteract her irritation and early-morning crankiness.

Should this be hyphenated?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5509

>>506718
[…]

>>455350

>>You go over the last few hours in your mind, trying to think if anything had come up since you last considered the question.
Should this be "came" or "has come"?

>>Without a fully operational horn to give you information about the surrounding magical fields, you can't know for sure exactly which invisibility spell Twilight had been using.

I might change this to "functioning", depending on what I decide as far as the timeline for prenatal magic.

>>In fact, with a new body, you'ren't sure whether you'll ever be quite as adept at spell-mimicry ever again, but you try not to dwell on that idea at the moment.

Should this be "for the moment"?

>>However, theoretical magic is not your area of expertise. You'd always seen it as a discipline for pegasi and earth ponies, or for unicorns with limited magical abilities. It occurs to you that you've always taken for granted your ability to quickly test spells yourself to see if they worked.

Should "You'd" be "You"? Should I change "It occurs to you" to "you realize"?

>>.You've of course always been aware that casting experimental spells was inherently dangerous (though obviously you haven't always been careful enough), but you're beginning to fear it may have also been a crutch, allowing you to get by with a less extensive understanding of the underlying principles.

Should this be "Of course, you've"? Should "was" be "is"? Or I could just change "that casting experimental spells was injerently dangerous" to "of the inherent dangers of casting experimental spells".

>>You shake your head to try to clear your mind, and try to focus on your goal.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Unlike the theoreticians, you have an additional handicap in that you don't even have a quill and parchment to work with; you'll have to do all of the work in your head.

Should this be "or"? How do I indicate that she doesn't have either?

>>You start by recalling all of the invisibility spells you know, and then choosing the one closest to the task you're attempting.

Is there a difference between "start" and "begin"?

>>Fortunately, your mind's eye is still functioning perfectly. You imagine a chalkboard spread out before you, and try to picture the the magical formula for the invisibility spell written across the top. It takes a while, but eventually you're able to hold the whole image in your mind without it flickering.

Should I drop this comma? Should I say "you're eventually"? Should I say "faltering"?

>>Once you manage to visualize the image with a minimum of mental effort, you make the preliminary tweaks you imagine Twilight made in order for the spell to only affect her abdominal wall. You write these in a second line on the blackboard.

Is "in" the correct preposition here?

>>Some quick calculations confirm that this modified spell would indeed require much more concentration and energy than the original, and also reveal the source of the problem.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "they" after "and"?

>>The downside of this approach, at least for Twilight's purpose, is that because the invisibility spell alters a fundamental property of the target, the contiguity field is built into foundational levels of the spell, influencing its structure as a whole.

What's the difference between "into" and "in to"?

>>This means that Twilight essentially had to add a new routine on top of everything in order to constantly redefine the extent of the spell's effect, and it had to be significantly stronger than the field it was suppressing.

Should this be "meant"?

>>This meant that, by casting the spell, Twilight had been sustaining two opposing fields, such that the actual effect was the difference between the two. Like a train chugging along with its brakes partially engaged, she still reached her goal, but a large proportion of the energy she put in ended up being wasted.

Should this be "means"? Should this be "portion"?

>>This is certainly possible; the spell isn't so prohibitively complicated that it's an unreasonable task. However, it certain wouldn't've been your first pick for a problem to solve entirely in your head.

Are "pick", "choice", and "selection" interchangeable? I'm looking for a word that corresponds to "option", not "choose".

>>Now comes the tricky part; you have to come up with a replacement without losing your concentration and forgetting everything you'd "written", forcing you to start over.

Should I change this semicolon to a colon? Should "you'd" be "you've"?

>>After thinking on and off for a minute or two, you decide on a multilayered approach, using the intersection of a geometric field with multiple stacked anatomical fields. It's by no means the most elegant solution, but it gets the job done for an acceptable projected energy cost.

Should I say "acceptably low"?

>>You substitute these in for the original contiguity field and begin the painstaking process of rebuilding the spell, fitting the other elements into the new framework, or replacing them with their closest equivalents when necessary.

Is this "in" necessary? Should I drop this comma?

>>After quite some time, you've built the spell back up to a level analogous to the original, and run it through some basic validity tests in order to double-check it for any errors.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "you" after "and"? Is "double-check" hyphenated?

>>Once you're satisfied with the result, you begin simplifying it, combining like terms and excising redundancies. Not long after, you have something you're willing to call finalized (or at least v1.0), which you run through the same tests, and a few more, just to be safe.

Should I say "Not much later", or just "Soon"? Should I drop this comma, or put "and a few more, just to be safe" in parentheses?

>>455351

>>You remember your session with Fluttershy, and decide it'd be the best use of the remaining time to continue with the exercises she'd instructed you on.
Should I drop this comma? Should "she'd" be "she"?

>>You freeze immediately when you hear (and feel) a light groan, and feel a slight shifting of position. You hope the response was autonomic and you didn't just almost awaken your mother, but there's no way to know for sure.

Should I drop this comma? Is this phrase worded correctly? It seems off somehow, like it doesn't fit.

>On the final hoof, that might not be enough to counteract her irritation and early-morning crankiness.

Should this be hyphenated?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5510

>>5067l8
[…]

>>455350

>>You go over the last few hours in your mind, trying to think if anything had come up since you last considered the question.
Should this be "came" or "has come"?

>>Without a fully operational horn to give you information about the surrounding magical fields, you can't know for sure exactly which invisibility spell Twilight had been using.

I might change this to "functioning", depending on what I decide as far as the timeline for prenatal magic.

>>In fact, with a new body, you'ren't sure whether you'll ever be quite as adept at spell-mimicry ever again, but you try not to dwell on that idea at the moment.

Should this be "for the moment"?

>>However, theoretical magic is not your area of expertise. You'd always seen it as a discipline for pegasi and earth ponies, or for unicorns with limited magical abilities. It occurs to you that you've always taken for granted your ability to quickly test spells yourself to see if they worked.

Should "You'd" be "You"? Should I change "It occurs to you" to "you realize"?

>>.You've of course always been aware that casting experimental spells was inherently dangerous (though obviously you haven't always been careful enough), but you're beginning to fear it may have also been a crutch, allowing you to get by with a less extensive understanding of the underlying principles.

Should this be "Of course, you've"? Should "was" be "is"? Or I could just change "that casting experimental spells was injerently dangerous" to "of the inherent dangers of casting experimental spells".

>>You shake your head to try to clear your mind, and try to focus on your goal.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Unlike the theoreticians, you have an additional handicap in that you don't even have a quill and parchment to work with; you'll have to do all of the work in your head.

Should this be "or"? How do I indicate that she doesn't have either?

>>You start by recalling all of the invisibility spells you know, and then choosing the one closest to the task you're attempting.

Is there a difference between "start" and "begin"?

>>Fortunately, your mind's eye is still functioning perfectly. You imagine a chalkboard spread out before you, and try to picture the the magical formula for the invisibility spell written across the top. It takes a while, but eventually you're able to hold the whole image in your mind without it flickering.

Should I drop this comma? Should I say "you're eventually"? Should I say "faltering"?

>>Once you manage to visualize the image with a minimum of mental effort, you make the preliminary tweaks you imagine Twilight made in order for the spell to only affect her abdominal wall. You write these in a second line on the blackboard.

Is "in" the correct preposition here?

>>Some quick calculations confirm that this modified spell would indeed require much more concentration and energy than the original, and also reveal the source of the problem.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "they" after "and"?

>>The downside of this approach, at least for Twilight's purpose, is that because the invisibility spell alters a fundamental property of the target, the contiguity field is built into foundational levels of the spell, influencing its structure as a whole.

What's the difference between "into" and "in to"?

>>This means that Twilight essentially had to add a new routine on top of everything in order to constantly redefine the extent of the spell's effect, and it had to be significantly stronger than the field it was suppressing.

Should this be "meant"?

>>This meant that, by casting the spell, Twilight had been sustaining two opposing fields, such that the actual effect was the difference between the two. Like a train chugging along with its brakes partially engaged, she still reached her goal, but a large proportion of the energy she put in ended up being wasted.

Should this be "means"? Should this be "portion"?

>>This is certainly possible; the spell isn't so prohibitively complicated that it's an unreasonable task. However, it certain wouldn't've been your first pick for a problem to solve entirely in your head.

Are "pick", "choice", and "selection" interchangeable? I'm looking for a word that corresponds to "option", not "choose".

>>Now comes the tricky part; you have to come up with a replacement without losing your concentration and forgetting everything you'd "written", forcing you to start over.

Should I change this semicolon to a colon? Should "you'd" be "you've"?

>>After thinking on and off for a minute or two, you decide on a multilayered approach, using the intersection of a geometric field with multiple stacked anatomical fields. It's by no means the most elegant solution, but it gets the job done for an acceptable projected energy cost.

Should I say "acceptably low"?

>>You substitute these in for the original contiguity field and begin the painstaking process of rebuilding the spell, fitting the other elements into the new framework, or replacing them with their closest equivalents when necessary.

Is this "in" necessary? Should I drop this comma?

>>After quite some time, you've built the spell back up to a level analogous to the original, and run it through some basic validity tests in order to double-check it for any errors.

Should I drop this comma, or add a "you" after "and"? Is "double-check" hyphenated?

>>Once you're satisfied with the result, you begin simplifying it, combining like terms and excising redundancies. Not long after, you have something you're willing to call finalized (or at least v1.0), which you run through the same tests, and a few more, just to be safe.

Should I say "Not much later", or just "Soon"? Should I drop this comma, or put "and a few more, just to be safe" in parentheses?

>>455351

>>You remember your session with Fluttershy, and decide it'd be the best use of the remaining time to continue with the exercises she'd instructed you on.
Should I drop this comma? Should "she'd" be "she"?

>>You freeze immediately when you hear (and feel) a light groan, and feel a slight shifting of position. You hope the response was autonomic and you didn't just almost awaken your mother, but there's no way to know for sure.

Should I drop this comma? Is this phrase worded correctly? It seems off somehow, like it doesn't fit.

>On the final hoof, that might not be enough to counteract her irritation and early-morning crankiness.

Should this be hyphenated?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5513

>>506721
[…]

>>465347

>>You decide continuing your exercises right now is out of

the question; with how exhausted she is, Twilight

would not appreciate being woken up.
Should this be "was" or "seemed"?

>>That shouldn't be an insurmountable obstacle, though;


you certainly weren't born with an above-average

memory, but you developed it like one would a

muscle, through rigorous exercise over a prolonged

period of time.
Is this hyphenation correct? Should I drop this "you"?

Should I change this comma into a colon?

>>However, you more or less stopped with these efforts


once your memory had reached a level you considered

sufficient, relying on notes and reference books to hold

any information you were unlikely to need immediate access

to.
Should I drop this "had"?

>Now that circumstances have changed, however, you should


be able to use the same techniques to strengthen

your memory enough to meet the new challenges you find

yourself faced with.
Should I say "those"?

>>You think over the books, and recall one of the


first techniques it suggested, mentally linking

information with a physical location. You know the library

like the bottom of your hoof, so it seems like the logical

place to use.
Should I drop the first comma? Should I change the second

comma to a colon?

>>You'll have to adjust the procedure slightly to


accommodate your unique set of circumstances. However,

this presents you with a new, nontrivial problem to solve:

namely, how can you check your recollection of a

list against the original without writing the original

down? If your recollection were wrong, you

would, by definition, not be able to accurately

recall the original to compare it to.
Since I said "problem" and not "question", should I say

"you can" change the question mark to a period? Is "were"

correct here? Should I say "would not, by definition, be"?

Should I say "compare it with"?

>>It quickly becomes apparent to you that you need a


pseudorandom data set, something that is just as

difficult to memorize as any arbitrary string of data,

but
has a relatively simple error-detection mechanism

that could be used to verify its accuracy.
Should the first comma be a colon? Should I drop the

second comma? Should "could" be "can"?

>>However, the spell itself is fairly short; you


compressed it as much as you could precisely in order to

make it easy to memorize. For this reason, you decide to

attempt to memorize not just the spell itself, but its

derivation, i.e. all the steps you took to arrive

at it. This would obviously reduce the randomness of the

information you're trying to memorize, but you're

confident that would be counterbalanced by the

increased length.
Should "would" be "will"?

>>You mentally walk back through your lab, back up the


stairs, through the living area, past the shelves

and shelves of books, up the other stairs, stopping

briefly in the bathroom before returning to your bed.
Should I say "staircase" instead of "stairs"?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5514

>>506721
[…]

>>465347

>>You decide continuing your exercises right now is out of the question; with how exhausted she is, Twilight would not appreciate being woken up.
Should this be "was" or "seemed"?

>>That shouldn't be an insurmountable obstacle, though; you certainly weren't born with an above-average memory, but you developed it like one would a muscle, through rigorous exercise over a prolonged period of time.

Is this hyphenation correct? Should I drop this "you"? Should I change this comma into a colon?

>>However, you more or less stopped with these efforts once your memory had reached a level you considered sufficient, relying on notes and reference books to hold any information you were unlikely to need immediate access to.

Should I drop this "had"?

>Now that circumstances have changed, however, you should be able to use the same techniques to strengthen your memory enough to meet the new challenges you find yourself faced with.

Should I say "those"?

>>You think over the books, and recall one of the first techniques it suggested, mentally linking information with a physical location. You know the library like the bottom of your hoof, so it seems like the logical place to use.

Should I drop the first comma? Should I change the second comma to a colon?

>>You'll have to adjust the procedure slightly to accommodate your unique set of circumstances. However, this presents you with a new, nontrivial problem to solve: namely, how can you check your recollection of a list against the original without writing the original down? If your recollection were wrong, you would, by definition, not be able to accurately recall the original to compare it to.

Since I said "problem" and not "question", should I say "you can" change the question mark to a period? Is "were" correct here? Should I say "would not, by definition, be"? Should I say "compare it with"?

>>It quickly becomes apparent to you that you need a pseudorandom data set, something that is just as difficult to memorize as any arbitrary string of data, but has a relatively simple error-detection mechanism that could be used to verify its accuracy.

Should the first comma be a colon? Should I drop the second comma? Should "could" be "can"?

>>However, the spell itself is fairly short; you compressed it as much as you could precisely in order to make it easy to memorize. For this reason, you decide to attempt to memorize not just the spell itself, but its derivation, i.e. all the steps you took to arrive at it. This would obviously reduce the randomness of the information you're trying to memorize, but you're confident that would be counterbalanced by the increased length.

Should "would" be "will"?

>>You mentally walk back through your lab, back up the stairs, through the living area, past the shelves and shelves of books, up the other stairs, stopping briefly in the bathroom before returning to your bed.

Should I say "staircase" instead of "stairs"?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5515

>>506873
[…]

>>466078

>>Indeed, under normal

circumstances this is

exactly what you would do.

However, you're not sure how well

your new body would cope with a

lack of sleep, and you'd rather

not risk it. You've never been an

expert in prenatal somnology.
Should I add a comma after

"circumstances"?

>>Determined to get at least a


couple
checks in before

calling it a night, you proceed

back to the staircase and read off

a random segment of the spell

derivation, running it through the

simplest check you know of.
Should it be "a couple of"? Should

I drop the last "of"?

>> Oh well. Going to


sleep might actually help with the

exercise. After all, isn't the

true test of one's memory the

accuracy of recollection after

being separated from the

information for a length of time?

I'll have a much more conclusive

result if I take a break for a

while and test how well I can

reconstruct it from memory.

Should I change this comma to a

period (and de-capitalize the G,

of course)?

>>Content with your reasoning, you


allow yourself to drift off to

sleep
, the steady heartbeat of

your sleeping mother serving as

your lullaby.
Is it "drift off to sleep", "drift

to sleep", or just "drift asleep"?

>>You yawn and roll out of bed,


careful not to squash your

precious cargo.
Is it "squash" or "squish"?

>>Your eyes still only barely


open, you half expect to find

something surprising in your

reflection, like a missing horn or

a stallion's muzzle or a pair of

wings, but as your eyes

adjust you see the same ol'

unicorn looking back at you.
Should I add commas around "as

your eyes adjust", or just one

after "adjust"?

>>Your mind flashes back to your


daughter, and the

predicament she's found herself

in. When she looks in the mirror

for the first time, she won't at

all recognize what she sees.
Should I drop this comma?

>You're not an expert in


psychology by any means, but you

know that that sort of disconnect

isn't healthy. Even relatively

minor changes like losing (or, on

rare occasions, gaining) a limb

can wear on a pony, so having her

entire body changed on her

won't be easy on her psyche.
Is "on her" correct in this case?

>"Keep it together, Twilight; it's


too early to have another

guilty meltdown. Glimmer

will be fine."
I'm not sure "guilty" is exactly

the right word here.

>>Having straightened your mane to


a satisfactory degree, you turn on

the bathroom faucet and splash

some cold water onto your

face.
Should it be "onto" or "on"?

>>Shaking your face clean,


you take a deep breath.
Should I say "dry"?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5516

>>506873
[…]

>>466078

>>Indeed, under normal circumstances this is exactly what you would do. However, you're not sure how well your new body would cope with a lack of sleep, and you'd rather not risk it. You've never been an expert in prenatal somnology.
Should I add a comma after "circumstances"?

>>Determined to get at least a couple checks in before calling it a night, you proceed back to the staircase and read off a random segment of the spell derivation, running it through the simplest check you know of.

Should it be "a couple of"? Should I drop the last "of"?

>> Oh well. Going to sleep might actually help with the exercise. After all, isn't the true test of one's memory the accuracy of recollection after being separated from the information for a length of time? I'll have a much more conclusive result if I take a break for a while and test how well I can reconstruct it from memory.

Should I change this comma to a period (and de-capitalize the G, of course)?

>>Content with your reasoning, you allow yourself to drift off to sleep, the steady heartbeat of your sleeping mother serving as your lullaby.

Is it "drift off to sleep", "drift to sleep", or just "drift asleep"?

>>You yawn and roll out of bed, careful not to squash your precious cargo.

Is it "squash" or "squish"?

>>Your eyes still only barely open, you half expect to find something surprising in your reflection, like a missing horn or a stallion's muzzle or a pair of wings, but as your eyes adjust you see the same ol' unicorn looking back at you.

Should I add commas around "as your eyes adjust", or just one after "adjust"?

>>Your mind flashes back to your daughter, and the predicament she's found herself in. When she looks in the mirror for the first time, she won't at all recognize what she sees.

Should I drop this comma?

>You're not an expert in psychology by any means, but you know that that sort of disconnect isn't healthy. Even relatively minor changes like losing (or, on rare occasions, gaining) a limb can wear on a pony, so having her entire body changed on her won't be easy on her psyche.

Is "on her" correct in this case?

>"Keep it together, Twilight; it's too early to have another guilty meltdown. Glimmer will be fine."

I'm not sure "guilty" is exactly the right word here.

>>Having straightened your mane to a satisfactory degree, you turn on the bathroom faucet and splash some cold water onto your face.

Should it be "onto" or "on"?

>>Shaking your face clean, you take a deep breath.

Should I say "dry"?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5517

>>506875
[…]

>>470899

>>You decide it's best not to try to plan on an empty stomach, both for the sake of productivity and in order to avoid waking Glimmer up with a grumbly stomach, so you make your way down the stairs.
Is this "up" redundant?

>>You're not sure if Spike is awake yet, so you consider fixing something simple for yourself, maybe some baked apples. You groggily walk to the kitchen, but you stop when you see Spike in the kitchen, stirring something in a bowl.

Should I change "in the kitchen" to "already there"?

>>You turn your neck and glance to the clock, your eyes taking a second to focus. It is, indeed noon. Or, rather, seven or so seconds past noon. What're the odds? You briefly ponder the coincidence, but are snapped back to attention by a rumbling in your stomach.

Should I drop the comma after "is" or add one after "indeed"? Should I drop the comma after "or"? What about the one after "coincidence"? Should I change "you" to "you are" or "you're"?

>>Spike nods. "I woke up a while ago. I made some waffles, but when I realized you weren't coming down, I ate them before they could get cold." He begins to pour the batter into the waffle-press. "Your breakfast should be ready in a few minutes. Or is it lunch?"

Should I add a comma after "but"? Is "begins" or "starts" more appropriate? Should I say "to pour" or "pouring"?

>"Well, technically, the first meal of the day is breakfast; you're 'breaking' the nighttime 'fast', hence the name. But I think we can split the difference and call it 'brunch'."

Are these quotation marks necessary?

>Spike nods, closing the lid of the waffle iron and starting the stove with his fire-breath. "Yeah, you looked awful last night; I'm not a doctor, but whatever it is you did with Fluttershy, you should probably not do that again."

Should I drop this "that"?
Is this hyphen necessary?

>>You nod in acknowledgement, only half-way paying attention. Your stomach growls again, and you levitate a pear to your mouth to hold you over until the food is ready.

Is it "half-way" or "halfway"? Should I drop this comma? Should I say "the waffles", since the pear is still "food"?

>>You take a bite out of the pear, nodding as you chew and swallow the first bite, before setting it down on the table.

Should I drop this comma?

>"If I can manage not to wake her up with my stomach growling."

Should I drop the "up"?

>"Yeah. Most foals are dreaming by her age, even 'normal' ones."

I'll have to look up when babies start dreaming and edit this scene as necessary.

>>Spike opens the waffle iron, and you levitate the new waffle over to your plate before Spike can even finish opening it.

Should I drop this comma?

>"That raises a few other questions. I wonder if Luna could show me how to dreamwalk; it'd be nice to have a more direct way of talking to her, even if we couldn't use it while out and about."

Twilight can already talk to Glimmer directly; it's the response that's the issue. Should I say "talking with" or communicating with" instead?

>>You take a bite of the second waffle, and notice a third has appeared on your plate.

Should I drop this comma?

>"It'd also be a good opportunity to get her make sure she's up to speed, instead of relying on Celestia to do that for me."

Should I say "It'll", since she's already decided to do it?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5518


>>506882

[…]

>>470900

>>You lose count around your fourth waffle, mainly because you haven't been counting in the first place, but after a while you decide you've had enough, and excuse yourself from the table.
Should this be "hadn't"? Should I add commas around "after a while"? Should I drop the comma after "enough"?

>>Spike gives a mock-salute, placing your plate into the sink and following you out of the kitchen and into the library. "What're you looking for?"

Is this hyphen necessary?

>>As Spike heads off to collect the books, you prepare your workstation with a quill and parchment for taking notes, and a small stack of bookmarks to limit the number of books you need to have open at once.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Spike returns very quickly, burdened with a stack of half a dozen or so reference books from the mental magic section, which you relieve him of with your magic [b}and get to work[/b].

How can I phrase this so it doesn't sound like she's getting the books to work?

>>The first book is an absolute bust, as is the second book; they seem to be more beginner-level tomes.

Is this worded and punctuated correctly? It seems odd. I guess I could just say "just, and so is", just to be safe.

>>The book is essentially a collection of warnings for ponies experimenting with magic, and focuses on obscure or unusual hazards of telepathy. It has a short section on Psychic Resonance Feedback Loops.

Should I drop this comma or add an "it" after "and"?

>>The passage stresses that this is not to be taken lightly, as some unicorns have been significantly impaired by such an extreme magical overload, but barely touches on what would happen if a PRFL were allowed to come to fruition, as this is a question on which there is, as of yet, no consensus. There are multiple competing hypotheses, all based on extrapolation and conjecture, though the book doesn't mention what these might be.

It's "on", right? Not "to"?

>>However, what the book does have is a detailed list of prerequisites for the initiation of a PRFL in its "How to Avoid" section. Indeed, yesterday you managed to fulfill every single one of them. However, there seems to be no risk of a repeat occurrence now that the first one has run its course, especially not with a standard telepathy spell that doesn't include an isolation bubble.

Should I add a comma after "yesterday"?

>>That's something of a relief, but you'll still have to do some more research and calculations to be sure there aren't other, hidden risks.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Heading off to the kitchen, you feel a slight stirring in your womb. You stop in your tracks and place a hoof on your belly.

Since she's standing up, is it "placing on" or "touching to"?

>>When it doesn't recur, you make your way to the kitchen to wash your plate. Because it's only dirtied with strawberry juice, sugar, and whipped cream, all readily soluble in water, it hardly takes any time at all.

Is it "hardly" or "barely"?

>>As you're rinsing it off, you feel Glimmer turn over inside you. After placing it in the drying rack, you turn to head to your chair, Glimmer stretching as you pull yourself onto your seat.

Should I change "to" to "and"?

>>You smile, resting both of your forehooves on your belly.

Is this "of" necessary?

>>> I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU

Should I shorten this line?

>>You bite your lip, the many, many kicks taking quite a long time and renewing your resolve to find a better communication protocol. However, you immediately recognize it as instructions for a magic spell.

Should I just say "spell"?

>>You add the lines to the beginning, and quickly scan over what you've written.

Should I change "the" to "these"? Should I drop the comma?
"…the window spell."

>>You chuckle; it makes complete sense now. If she'd needed something to occupy herself, there'dn't've been many option available, and she'd probably taken it as a challenge.

More tense confusion. Should these be "she", "she", and "took", respectively?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5519

>>506883
[…]

>>473236

>>You pick up a quill and a new sheet of parchment as Glimmer begins "typing" out the steps she took to create the imaging spell, starting with the original invisibility spell, deconstructing it, and building it on top of a different base.
She doesn't "pick up" the parchment, so should I say "and switch to a new sheet"? Should I drop the "out", or move it inside the quotation marks?

>>As you copy down her message, you follow along in the derivation. It's a fairly straightforwards approach, each step following from the previous one in a fairly transparent manner. It's not the approach you would've taken, since it involves way more steps than necessary (and therefore has more opportunities for errors to creep in), but it makes sense for somepony who doesn't have access to a pen and paper, as each step makes only minor changes to the previous step.

Is it "straightforwards" or "straightforward"? Should I say "than is necessary" or "than are necessary"? Also, the same "paper and pen" vs. "paper or pen" question as earlier.

>>You hear some grumbling as he gets closer, presumably expecting you to use him as a guinea pig in an experiment.

>>One time, and you never live it down.
Just marking this for later, because I totally missed an opportunity for a joke about Spike literally getting turned into a guinea pig.

>>You can feel it taking effect, and, sure enough, the mound of your belly begins to vanish.

Should I drop this comma?

>>Spike's eyes go wide and he takes a step back, before leaning in closer. "Whoa, gross, I can see your insides!" He seems more fascinated than repulsed, the kind of grossed-out that seems to be quite popular among young colts.

Should I drop the comma after "back"? Should "grossed-out" be hyphenated?

>You lean over, and see that he is indeed correct; the sight reminds you of an anatomical model, a clean spherical cutaway revealing cross-sections of various organs, tissues, and bones.

Should I drop this comma? I'll have to find a diagram to check what would actually be visible through the "hole"; I suspect it may just be muscle.

>>Then again, rewriting the spell wouldn't be easy; you'd have to construct an entire auxiliary level to apply the spell to a second pony, and then narrow it down to the level of an anatomical field.

I don't think "level" is quite the right word; it'd be running in parallel. Any suggestions? And should I drop the comma?

>>It's a dilemma, though not a particularly weighty one: go to the trouble of tweaking the spell for the sake of completeness, or leave it as-is because it's good enough for practical purposes?

Should "as-is" be hyphenated?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5520

>>506884
[…]

>>474865

>"I could, but I don't think it'd be worth the effort at this point; I can see her just fine as is. Now, our priority should be to find a better way for her to communicate with me; I'd rather not get internal bruising from her next essay."
Should I say "as it is"? Should I drop the comma, or say "Our priority now"? Is it "priority" or "top priority"?

>"You know what I mean. I love you, and I'm keeping you, but this wasn't exactly part of the plan… And Spike, if you crack a joke about that sentence, I swear to the Sisters…"

Should "And" be capitalized or not?

>"Never mind, it's nothing. Anyway, back on topic, I don't want to risk something else happening, so telepathy is off the table."

Does "Never mind" count as a command, and therefore an independent clause necessitating a semicolon?

>>"I'm happy to help! What'd you like to say?"

Should I write this out as "What would", since "What'd" usually means "What did"?

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5521

>>506885
[…]

>>475523

>>You clear your throat, and Spike puts quill to parchment, ready to transcribe your letter.
Should I drop this comma?

>"Glimmer and I are beginning to work through the various issues we're going to have to deal with due to our new circumstances. Fluttershy has volunteered to help Glimmer with a form of physical therapy to help re-establish neural pathways, and that's making slow but steady progress. We've also developed a mode of communication based on typewriter keys. However, it's fairly slow, and quite a kick in the gut, so we're seeking alternatives."

Should I say "guts"?

>"Speaking of new spells, expect a publication soon for a prenatal viewing spell. I kludged together a crude version that ended up being so inefficient as to be exhausting to sustain, but Glimmer optimized it to allow prolonged usage, entirely in her head I might add! (Safe to say she'll have the record for youngest published author, albeit only unofficially; hopefully, this kind of event never becomes common enough to need to distinguish physical and mental ages, as that just opens up a whole new can of worms.) This new spell should prove useful both for medical imaging applications and proud parents."

Should "for" be "to"?

>"On that note, Glimmer is absolutely adorable. I'd love to show you in pony next time we have the opportunity. Let me know if you have any opportunities for a social visit in the not-too-distant future, either here or in Canterlot; Glimmer and I have a few more things to work out before we're up for extended travel, but we're always happy to welcome guests here."

Are these hyphens correct?

>>You clear your throat, impressed as always by how easily Spike keeps up with the pace of your dictation; he really is an invaluable assistant.

Should "by" be "at"?

>>You chuckle, shaking your head.

"If you can nap on my back, sure. I want to keep you with in case Celestia replies."
Should I say "with me"?

>>I do indeed have a few spare verbal prostheses, and I can have replacements fabricated as needed. I also believe the Canterlot Archives have some notes on modifying one to transfer thoughts directly, intended to allow non-unicorns to project their thoughts. However, I am unsure how complete they are, and would need time to locate them.

Can you think of a better word than "replacements"? They're replacing ones that are occupied elsewhere, but "replacements" implies they're replacing ones that are damaged/broken or missing. The word "extras" doesn't fit either, because it implies they're extraneous.

[…]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5522

>>506919
[…]

>>482981

>>You lower the scroll and turn to dictate your response, but find Spike lifting himself from the floor, rubbing his back with a claw.
Okay, not a claw. Are they just hands?

>"Oh! Sorry for dropping you, Spike; the letter surprised me and I lost my grip. Tell you what, I'll write this response myself; you take a break."

Should I say "concentration"?

>>Thank you for your generosity. I shouldn't need more than two (possibly three) prostheses, but I will keep your offer in mind in case my needs change.

Should I add "or" before "possibly"?

>>I look forwards to visiting you again, and will take the opportunity to apprise Luna of the situation while I am at the castle.

Should this be "forward"?

>>Through his facial expression, he asks for your permission to read it, which you respond to with a slight nod, having resolved to keep him in the loop as much as possible.

Should I say "answer"?

>>With a lick of flame, he sends the letter flying out the nearest window, before turning back to you.

Should I drop this comma?

>>"So, you're going this evening? What're we gonna do in the meantime?"

Should I drop this comma?

>>You bite your lip for a moment, eyes lifted in thought.

This is really awkward phrasing.

>"Hmm… I guess I could show Glimmer off to the rest of my friends, since I… er, we optimized the spell."

I can't remember or figure out why Twilight is confused here.

>"No, I don't want to inconvenience them like that for something that, unlike yesterday, isn't earth-shattering news. I'll pay them a visit one at a time, and offer to let them see her if they're not too busy."

Should I drop this comma?

>You quickly drop that line of thought as you try to decide whom to visit first.

Since she has to drop the first line of thought before moving to the next, should I change "thought as you" to "thought and"?

>>You glance at the clock. 12:39, definitely still in the middle of the lunch rush. That rules out Pinkie; she'd be swamped with customers at Sugarcube Corner.

Should "she'd be" be "she's probably"?

>>It's a Wednesday, so Applejack should be selling her wares in the market. She might also be dealing with the lunch rush, but visiting her would put you close to Carousel Boutique, so you decide that's a good direction to start.

Should I say "to start in", or "to start heading", or "to start heading in"?

>>You walk east by northeast towards the market, almost on autopilot, but something slows you down. Something seems… off.

Should "towards" be "toward"?

>>You throw open the door, probably more dramatically than is necessary, and call out to Spike, panting slightly.

Is this "is" necessary?

>>You hear the quick clickity-clack of his claws on the hardwood floor before he appears around the corner, with a concerned look on his face.

Is "quick clickity-clack" redunant? It seems like if it were slow, it'd be a click-clack.

>>"You didn't know? It's on the same day every year!"

Is this "on" necessary?

>"Yeah, I know. I know. It's just that with all the work I was doing on the spell, and then all the chaos with Glimmer's… awakening, I…"

Should I put quotation marks around "awakening"? Should I replace this comma with an ellipsis?

>"I lost track of the date, okay? I can't always keep everything in my head at once; I'm just a pony."

Should I replace this period with an exclamation point?

>>You take another deep breath and sigh.

Should I add a comma after "breath", so it doesn't seem like she took a deep sigh? Or maybe just add an adverb to "sigh"?

>>Thinking back, you realize Celestia probably thought you wanted to contact Luna as soon as she woke up in order to catch her before she left for the celebrations, and not as a general guideline for when she'd become available.

There's a mismatch here; the second part of the sentence is written as if the beginning had been "wanted to know when Luna would wake up" instead of "wanted to contact Luna as soon as she woke up".

>>Then again, you already told Celestia you'd be at the Castle this evening. Sure, she'd understand if you told her you needed to cancel, and it's not so urgent that it couldn't be put off until tomorrow, but it just strikes you as somewhat rude; you don't want to inconvenience Celestia more than you have to.

Yet more tense confusion. Should this be "you'll"?

[…]

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Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5526

>>506981
[h][…]

>>488811

>"I guess we don't really need to change much of our plan. Pinkie is probably involved with preparations, and Rarity might be selling last-minute costumes, but they shouldn't be so busy that we couldn't pay them a visit."
Is this hyphen correct?

>"As for the Archives, we can just push that visit back a bit – participate in the festivities and go back to Canterlot with Princess Luna."

Is this appropriate dash usage?

>>"You should get going; if one of them is busy, you need time to come back later."

Should "you" be "you'll"?

>>You continue back along your original path to the market, waving hello to the ponies making their holiday preparations.

Should I say "all the ponies"?

>>The thought crosses your mind that you probably looked weird gawking at the decorations before frantically turning and running home. However, it quickly occurs to you that if anypony noticed, they likely just assumed you'd forgotten something and continued with their work.

Should I say "strange" instead of "weird"? Should I add a comma after "weird" (or "strange")?

>>Your eyes scan up and down the market. You have a vague notion of where the Apple family sells their wares, but… aha, there it is.

Should I change "aha" to "ah", or change the period to an exclamation mark? Should the interjection be capitalized?

>>You start to wave back, but you realize you've reached the cart, so you just smile and nod.

Should I say "you've almost reached" or "you've basically reached"? If she'd already reached the booth without noticing, she'd've run into it.

>>Once you've taken a few steps to the side, you mentally adjust your plan. You'd planned to visit Applejack first, but if she's back at Sweet Apple Acres, that's quite a walk.

Still more tense confusion. Hooray for present-tense narratives! Should this be "You"?[/b]
[?]Whew, that's everything up through the latest update. I'll read your answers/suggestions when I get time, though writing the next update (and that image description) will take precedence.[/spoiler]

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5527

>>506981
[…]

>>488811

>"I guess we don't really need to change much of our plan. Pinkie is probably involved with preparations, and Rarity might be selling last-minute costumes, but they shouldn't be so busy that we couldn't pay them a visit."
Is this hyphen correct?

>"As for the Archives, we can just push that visit back a bit – participate in the festivities and go back to Canterlot with Princess Luna."

Is this appropriate dash usage?

>>"You should get going; if one of them is busy, you need time to come back later."

Should "you" be "you'll"?

>>You continue back along your original path to the market, waving hello to the ponies making their holiday preparations.

Should I say "all the ponies"?

>>The thought crosses your mind that you probably looked weird gawking at the decorations before frantically turning and running home. However, it quickly occurs to you that if anypony noticed, they likely just assumed you'd forgotten something and continued with their work.

Should I say "strange" instead of "weird"? Should I add a comma after "weird" (or "strange")?

>>Your eyes scan up and down the market. You have a vague notion of where the Apple family sells their wares, but… aha, there it is.

Should I change "aha" to "ah", or change the period to an exclamation mark? Should the interjection be capitalized?

>>You start to wave back, but you realize you've reached the cart, so you just smile and nod.

Should I say "you've almost reached" or "you've basically reached"? If she'd already reached the booth without noticing, she'd've run into it.

>>Once you've taken a few steps to the side, you mentally adjust your plan. You'd planned to visit Applejack first, but if she's back at Sweet Apple Acres, that's quite a walk.

Still more tense confusion. Hooray for present-tense narratives! Should this be "You"?

Whew, that's everything up through the latest update. I'll read your answers/suggestions when I get time, though writing the next update (and that image description) will take precedence.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5538

>>488811
>You decide to pay a visit to Rarity while you're in the neighborhood, reasoning that it's better to not have to backtrack to see her after visiting Applejack.
>Fortunately, the Boutique is not far away, so it doesn't take you long at all to get there, noticing it has already been appropriately decorated with jack-o'-lanterns and fake cobwebs.
>Arriving at the door, you swing it open, a small bell announcing your entrance.
>“Ah, just a moment!” Rarity's voice calls out.
>Your eyes follow the sound of her voice and you see her setting down a ream of gold fabric. Or maybe it's black; you can't quite tell in this light.
>“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is… Ah, Twilight, do come in!” She smiles as she recognizes you.
>You smile and walk towards her, the two of you meeting somewhere in the middle.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
>Rarity shakes her head. “Of course not! I was just putting some finishing touches on my Nightmare Night costume, but I have been doing that for…” She looks around, presumably for a clock. “…well, for several hours, at least.”
>You raise an eyebrow.
"Why not just use your costume from last year? You never did get the chance to actually wear it."
>“Use a year-old costume? Perish the thought! This occasion deserves something new and original! This year, I'll be certain to have it done in time!”
>You chuckle inwardly at your friend's eccentricity.
"You've said that every year."
>“True, but I mean it this time! Anyway, how may I help you?” she asks, eager to change the subject.
>You shake your head.
"Oh, I don't really need anything; I just wanted to show you something."
>Rarity cocks her head. “Oh? And what would that be?”
>You smile, gesturing for her to follow you as you head towards a stool and it on it, swiveling 180° face towards Rarity.
"I wanted to show you Glimmer."
>“Oh?”
>You nod.
"I created a spell that allows me to make my abdomen transparent."
>You feel a sharp kick inside your womb.
"Okay, she did most of the work, but it was my idea, and I laid the groundwork and added some finishing touches."
>Rarity chuckles. “Well, I'd certainly love to see her! I trust it is safe?”
>You nod.
"Oh, of course. I actually tried out a similar version with Fluttershy last night; this one's just been optimized some, and I tested it before I came here."
>Rarity smiles. “Excellent! Proceed, then.”
>You nod, lowering your head to focus on your belly, lighting your horn.
>Rarity stands in amazed, slightly squeamish awe as your flesh seemingly dissolves away, revealing your foal tucked safely inside your womb.
>You place your hooves on your belly, partly to assure her it's still there and partly to frame Glimmer.
"There she is. Cute, huh?"
>Rarity grins, nodding. “She's adorable! The colour scheme should lend itself well to accentuation by clothes and accessories, and she has her mother's mane!”
>You nod, chuckling.
"I'll be sure to come to you when I need baby clothes made."
>“Speaking of which,” Rarity replies, “What are you dressing as tonight? I certainly hope it's a costume that accentuates your maternal form!”
>You blush.
"I, um… I actually sort of… lost track of time. I forgot it was Nightmare Night."
>Rarity smiles. “Got too absorbed in your work, did you? Don't be embarrassed; it happens to the best of us. I once almost missed my own birthday when I was distracted by a big project.”
>You smile, clearly remembering the intervention-slash-party that Pinkie had thrown for her that year.
>“Anyway, fret not! I still have time to whip something up for you to wear tonight. It won't be a masterpiece, but I think we both know you aren't expecting one.”
>You nod; your standards for acceptable clothing are clearly much lower than Rarity's, especially for a one-time outfit.
"Well, yeah, I guess I'm more likely to 'settle', as you'd put it, but still,
you don't have to go to all that trouble."
>Rarity waves a hoof dismissively. “Trouble? Don't be absurd! I'd relish the opportunity to work on a maternity outfit, especially one for a friend. Just tell me what you'd like your costume to be, and I promise I'll have it ready for you before trick-or-treating begins!”
>You bite your lip, considering your options.
>You don't really want to stand and argue with her, but Rarity clearly already has a project she's working on, and you don't want to be the reason she misses yet another Nightmare Night.
>Then again, she insists she's on top of things this time.
>There's also the issue of coming up with a decent costume idea on the spot.
>Not wanting to waste too much time dawdling, you make your decision quickly.

The CYOA lives! Also, happy Pi Day!

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5539

>>488811
>You decide to pay a visit to Rarity while you're in the neighborhood, reasoning that it's better to not have to backtrack to see her after visiting Applejack.
>Fortunately, the Boutique is not far away, so it doesn't take you long at all to get there, noticing it has already been appropriately decorated with jack-o'-lanterns and fake cobwebs.
>Arriving at the door, you swing it open, a small bell announcing your entrance.
>“Ah, just a moment!” Rarity's voice calls out.
>Your eyes follow the sound of her voice and you see her setting down a ream of gold fabric. Or maybe it's black; you can't quite tell in this light.
>“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is… Ah, Twilight, do come in!” She smiles as she recognizes you.
>You smile and walk towards her, the two of you meeting somewhere in the middle.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
>Rarity shakes her head. “Of course not! I was just putting some finishing touches on my Nightmare Night costume, but I have been doing that for…” She looks around, presumably for a clock. “…well, for several hours, at least.”
>You raise an eyebrow.
"Why not just use your costume from last year? You never did get the chance to actually wear it."
>“Use a year-old costume? Perish the thought! This occasion deserves something new and original! This year, I'll be certain to have it done in time!”
>You chuckle inwardly at your friend's eccentricity.
"You've said that every year."
>“True, but I mean it this time! Anyway, how may I help you?” she asks, eager to change the subject.
>You shake your head.
"Oh, I don't really need anything; I just wanted to show you something."
>Rarity cocks her head. “Oh? And what would that be?”
>You smile, gesturing for her to follow you as you head towards a stool and it on it, swiveling 180° face towards Rarity.
"I wanted to show you Glimmer."
>“Oh?”
>You nod.
"I created a spell that allows me to make my abdomen transparent."
>You feel a sharp kick inside your womb.
"Okay, she did most of the work, but it was my idea, and I laid the groundwork and added some finishing touches."
>Rarity chuckles. “Well, I'd certainly love to see her! I trust it is safe?”
>You nod.
"Oh, of course. I actually tried out a similar version with Fluttershy last night; this one's just been optimized some, and I tested it before I came here."
>Rarity smiles. “Excellent! Proceed, then.”
>You nod, lowering your head to focus on your belly, lighting your horn.
>Rarity stands in amazed, slightly squeamish awe as your flesh seemingly dissolves away, revealing your foal tucked safely inside your womb.
>You place your hooves on your belly, partly to assure her it's still there and partly to frame Glimmer.
"There she is. Cute, huh?"
>Rarity grins, nodding. “She's adorable! The colour scheme should lend itself well to accentuation by clothes and accessories, and she has her mother's mane!”
>You nod, chuckling.
"I'll be sure to come to you when I need baby clothes made."
>“Speaking of which,” Rarity replies, “What are you dressing as tonight? I certainly hope it's a costume that accentuates your maternal form!”
>You blush.
"I, um… I actually sort of… lost track of time. I forgot it was Nightmare Night."
>Rarity smiles. “Got too absorbed in your work, did you? Don't be embarrassed; it happens to the best of us. I once almost missed my own birthday when I was distracted by a big project.”
>You smile, clearly remembering the intervention-slash-party that Pinkie threw for her that year.
>“Anyway, fret not! I still have time to whip something up for you to wear tonight. It won't be a masterpiece, but I think we both know you aren't expecting one.”
>You nod; your standards for acceptable clothing are clearly much lower than Rarity's, especially for a one-time outfit.
"Well, yeah, I guess I'm more likely to 'settle', as you'd put it, but still,
you don't have to go to all that trouble."
>Rarity waves a hoof dismissively. “Trouble? Don't be absurd! I'd relish the opportunity to work on a maternity outfit, especially one for a friend. Just tell me what you'd like your costume to be, and I promise I'll have it ready for you before trick-or-treating begins!”
>You bite your lip, considering your options.
>You don't really want to stand and argue with her, but Rarity clearly already has a project she's working on, and you don't want to be the reason she misses yet another Nightmare Night.
>Then again, she insists she's on top of things this time.
>There's also the issue of coming up with a decent costume idea on the spot.
>Not wanting to waste too much time dawdling, you make your decision quickly.

The CYOA lives! Also, happy Pi Day!

Anonymous 5540

[code]test[/code]

The Person Who Posts As Fluttershy (Element of Self-descriptive Usernames) 5541

File: 1427160907334.png (1.39 MB, 1366x768, Untitled.png)

magical tabletop adventures

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5550

>>510796
>You shake your head.
"If you make the design abstract enough, that should sort out the 'uncanny valley' effect that'd be caused by a mostly realistic skeleton with a few anatomical errors."
>Rarity nodded. “Okay, if you think that won't be a problem, I'll lean in that direction. I won't make it too cartoonish, lest it look like a child's costumem but I'll be careful to ensure it is clearly not meant to be a faithful anatomical representation.”
>You smile in response.
"Thank you, Rarity. As far as glow-in-the-dark fabric, that won't be a problem; you can just make it out of regular fabric, and I'll enchant it myself."
>Rarity bit her lip. “It might be difficult for you to get only the bones to glow. I'll just enchant the white fabric before I start sewing. The effect won't be as brilliant as professionally enchanted fabric, and it will fade with time, but it should be sufficient for a single-use costume.”
"Okay, you're the expert. As far as Glimmer, that's a rather significant oversight; I can't believe that problem didn't occur to me. Anyway, just add a smaller skeleton to the pattern over my belly; I think that should convey the joke enough without having to actually clothe my fetus."
>Rarity giggled. “That is certainly doable. I should have your costume done before sunset. Stop by after you visit the others and you can pick it up.”
"Thank you again so much for your help on such short notice. I'll pay extr–"
>“Nonsense!” Rarity interjected. “You will accept this gift free of charge, and you will get on with what you need to do. If your request were unreasonable, I would not have accepted it.”
>You know this isn't entirely true, but you decide it's not worth pressing the issue, so you just nod.
"Okay, if you insist. Just remember to finish your costume first."
>“Yes, yes, you've made that request abundantly clear. I'll continue on my costume as soon as we're done here."
>You clear your throat.
"Yes, of course. I'll see you when I come to pick up the outfit."
>Rarity nods, returning to her work and waving goodbye. “Toodle-oo, have a happy Nightmare Night!”
"You too!"
>You wave back and step out the door, the bell ringing to announce your departure.
>You take a deep breath, savoring the crisp autumn air.
>> 1 DOWN
>> 4 TO GO
>You chuckle.
"Yeah, now we just have to decide whom to visit next."
>You could visit Applejack now, but that's still pretty far out of your way. Pinkie is significantly closer, but she's probably still dealing with the lunch rush. You still don't know where Rainbow Dash is. Fluttershy probably isn't busy, but she's all the way on the other side of town and then some.

Pterectomy!!HIZ0tOqc+E 5582

>>512284
>You start walking towards Sugarcube Corner, figuring that it's the closest.
>Even if Pinkie is too busy to take a look at Glimmer, you can still stop at Sugarcube Corner to grab a bite to eat; since you're eating for two, it's probably unwise to skip a meal due to waking up late.
>The more ground you cover, the higher the chances are that you'll happen to run into Rainbow Dash, which you figure is the only way you'll be able to find her, since her free-spirit nature means she doesn't have one location she frequents enough that she can reasonably be expected to be found there.
>You'd cast a cloud-walking spell on yourself and teleport to her cloudominium, but she's honestly just as likely, if not more likely, to be found napping on some random cloud, or tree branch, or park bench.
>You take a deep breath, enjoying the autumn weather before it turns to winter. You can understand why autumn is one of Princess Celestia's favorite seasons; it's definitely in your top four.
>You look around, smiling as you admire all of the decorations going up. Even though the town isn't really scared of Nightmare Moon anymore, the tradition sticks around.
>Not that this is a problem. Princess Luna doesn't mind at all; she's gotten into the spirit of the holiday, which was probably made all the easier by her pre-existing love of the macabre. It's also probably beneficial in terms of psychological health for ponies to have a socially acceptable opportunity to express ideas and themes that would otherwise be taboo.
>Sugarcube Corner comes into view, and you notice that the line doesn't extend out of the door like it sometimes does, whicjh is a good sign.
>You think you see motion out of the corner of your eye, but it's gone by the time your eyes turn to focus on it.
>You begin to inhale to clear your thoughts.
>"Twilight, LOOK OUT!"
>The next several seconds seem to go by in the blink of an eye, which is odd because common knowledge says time should've seemed to slow down.
>You turn your head and see a cyan blur for a split second before you feel the wind get knocked out of your lungs.
>It takes at least a minute of panting for you to catch your breath and come to your senses, at which point you find yourself lying in the grass several feet from where you just stood.
>"Are you okay, Twilight?"
>You look up to see Rainbow Dash's face hovering above you. Your eyes haven't completely focused yet, but you can hear the concern in her voice.
>"I was practicing over there when I ran into a bird. I couldn't see where I was going and I lost control and by the ti– Oh my stars!"
>You dimly become aware of a thrashing inside you, movement that seems to get weaker by the second.
>In a daze, you light your horn and prepare for an emergency teleport.
>Then you pass out from shock.

*===*===*===*

>When you regain consciousness, you're lying on your back, looking up at a bright light. For a brief moment, you wonder if you've died, but you died, but you quickly realize the light is nothing supernatural.

>You hear a lot of commotion, but you can't make out what anypony is saying.
"Huh? Wh–What's…?"
>You trail off when you feel a sharp prick in your shoulder, and then everything goes black.

*===*===*===*

>When you wake up again, the first thing you notice is the sound of somepony crying. Your mind still foggy, so it takes you some time to recognize the voice as that of Rainbow Dash.

>It takes you even longer to tell what she's saying.
>"…sorry… so sorry… I didn't… I'm sorry… sorry…"
>You see motion out of the corner of your eye, and your eyes struggle to focus on Nurse Redheart's face.
>"I'm so sorry, Miss Sparkle. There was nothing more I could do."
>"Huh? What? What happened?"
>Redheart sighs. "What's the last thing you remember?"
>You think back, taking a few deep breaths to get oxygen to your brain.
"I'd just visited Rarity, and I was heading for Sugarcube Corner to see if Pinkie had time for me to show her…"
>Your eyes shoot open.
"Glimmer! Dash crashed into me, and then I passed out. Is Glimmer… Did she…?"
>The nurse shakes her head solemnly.
>"Rainbow Dash rushed you here as quickly as she could. Unfortunately, your daughter's placenta was detached from the blunt force of the collision. We performed an emergency ceasarean, but she just wasn't far enough along in her development. I'm very sorry, Twilight, but she didn't make it."
>Your eyes go out of focus and you begin to hyperventilate.
"Are you saying that she's d…d–d…?"
>She nods. "I'm afraid you miscarried."
>You start to feel lightheaded, but you manage to keep yourself conscious this time.
"No! It can't be! Glimmer, she… She was…"
>You sit up in your bed, only to be pushed back down.
>"You need to rest; you don't want to tear your stitches, or you might ruin your chance of having another foal."
>You shake your head frantically.
"I don't want another foal! I want Glimmer! There has to be something I can do, maybe a forbidden spell in the Archives, maybe Celestia can..."
>Redheart shakes her head. "There are some things magic simply cannot do. Do you... would you like to see her, to get some closure?"
>You take a few deep, calming breaths and consider her offer.
>Your brain is currently debating itself over whether to have the book thrown at Rainbow Dash for mareslaughter, but any hippocide trial would be weeks down the road, so you quickly prioritize first things first.
>Closure is often healthy, and part of you still refuses to believe Redheart and is demanding proof, but another part of you doesn't want that image to be burned into your memory, especially since the last time you saw her was such a happy memory.
>Ultimately, the decision comes down to whether you'd rather regret saying yes or regret saying no.

Happy April Fools' Day, everypony!


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