Heavy Mole No.3239054
It is with a Heavy Heart that I have decided, after long reflection, that I will not be joining you on the great exodus to New Ponychan.
On my birthday, when I was twenty-nine years old, I left my home and the lake of my home, and went into the mountains. There I enjoyed my spirit and solitude, and for ten weeks I did not weary of it. But at last my heart changed--and rising one morning with the rosy dawn, I went before the site, and spake thus unto it:
"Oh great site! What would be thy happiness if thou hadst not those for whom thou serveth!
"For three years thou hast climbest hither unto my flat; thou would have wearied of thy light and of the bandwith, had it not been for me, mine eagle and mine serpent.
"Be we awaited thee every morning, took from thee thine overflow of posts and blessed thee for it.
"Lo! I am weary of my online interaction, like the bee that hath gathered too much honey; I need Hands outstretched to take it.
"Therefore I must descend into the deep, as thou doest in the evening, when thou goest behind the black screen, and giveth posts also to the real world, thou exuberant site!
"Lo! This cup is again going to empty itself, and Heavy Mole is again going to be a man."
Also, if and when the merge happens, I will be smashing my lappy with a sledgehammer, and any proximal lappies, to avoid the temptation to return.
Also I murdered my family so they can't tempt me.