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Dark Horizons Chapter 2 Review Thespurgin 86

Okay, so I've been working on the second chapter of this fic for a while now, and I wanted both a general review, and secondarily a specific opinion on whether or not I should end the chapter on Twilight's lamenting of the girls laughing, or continue it on.

link is: http://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/99476

87

Please post in a review thread. Don't create a new thread for the sole purpose of asking for a review.

88

File: 1342563853467.jpg (15.13 KB, 320x240, _1ab.jpg)

>>87
Dude, there's like 4 threads on this board. Organisation isn't exactly the M.O.

If you want to review stuff, this guy's asking. Now's your chance.

!!Applejack 90

File: 1342571809995.jpg (63.28 KB, 720x654)

>>87
>>88
Roger is correct.

We're not even week into the site, we're not running a specific set of guidelines yet (nor is it necessary yet.)

There's an author seeking help, and perhaps a reviewer will provide. Isn't that the point, everything else stripped away?

Amar!hEbITNyzxg 92

File: 1342579141376.jpg (24.51 KB, 287x350, ....jpg)

I shall review.

502 bad gateway.

then mlpchan ate my image

What heresy is this!

Time to get creative.

Amar!hEbITNyzxg 93

File: 1342579195424.png (102.23 KB, 359x321, 130971047809.png)

"Enter the password the author set for this story to view it."

Thespurgin 99

Sorry about that.
Pass is Black Sun

Also, I apologize everyone. This is my first attempt to post on a chan board, and I didn't bother to look around for how everything works. I though I was replying.
My bad.

Amar!hEbITNyzxg 100

File: 1342648817480.jpg (35.46 KB, 500x512, 181036 - applejack.jpg)

I'll have something for you tonight OP.

Thespurgin 102

Thanks!

PART I Amar!hEbITNyzxg 103

File: 1342669887132.png (140.43 KB, 407x407, 132665664869.png)

Dark Horizons

"Something has been tormenting Twilight, leaving her unable to sleep and more and more overwrought every day.
As her aggravation boils over and pushes her friends away, she finds herself desperate for a way to fix the problem,
but when that desperation leads to a tragedy and darkness of a kind never before seen twists the heart of the Elements,
how will Equestria cope? What will become of the world?"

#GRIMDARK
#SAD
#ADVENTURE

Chapter Two Review.

Reviewers Note: I had to read the first chapter in order to provide a proper "content" review.

GRAMMER/STRUCTURE ISSUES

>and founder and de-facto leader of the team that saved the world from lunatic megalomaniac deities twice in the past three years, was falling apart.


Needs rework. Make flow better.

>She’d been through all the books in her library twice, and she’d found nothing that could help.

>She didn’t know if she was looking for a cure anymore… heck, she didn’t even know if it was something that qualified as a disease!

Multiple uses of "she" in the same general area. Diversify your pronouns. She'd used multiple times as well.

>or even to one or both of the princesses


Should be "or even the princesses"

>Twilight had considered


Change to "Twilight considered"

>Twilight had considered this strange distance in her friends quite a bit between the explorations of the medical section. She didn’t know what it was that had made all her friends withdrawn like they were… but it only made sense that it was something to do with her. Perhaps they were mad? Perhaps she’d let them down somehow? It must be something like that if they couldn’t bear to just say it. Still, was that any reason to keep from telling them about her own problem? What kept her from just telling them, and then working to fix things? If she’d done something wrong, she could fix it! There was no reason at all to be afraid of anything, least of all telling her friends about having a bad dream!


Needs to be reworked. Too many passive-voice instances. Also it is needlessly complicated.

>In truth, Twilight did feel a bit bad for not just telling her mentor about her problem, but that led back to that same fear she felt towards her friends. She’d long since given up trying to find a loophole, a way out. Every time she tried her mind ended up derailing. She never lost her train of thought! Could it be… was she losing her mind?


Suggestion for improvement: "Twilight felt guilty for failing to tell her mentor…"

>Twilight had opened


Passive voice/double tense. Make sure you are telling a story not showing us a series of events/scenes Should be "Twilight opened"

Amar!hEbITNyzxg 104

File: 1342671241706.jpg (35.46 KB, 500x512, 181036 - applejack.jpg)

>That same breeze carried with it the smells

Suggestion: That same breeze carried the smells of baking and activity from Ponyville's residents.

>In the past few days, the exhaustion seemed to have begun weighing especially heavily on her. Twilight didn’t even bother to do her morning routine. What was the point if she no longer slept? Her haggard appearance was a testament to that, though considering she usually looked like that on a study binge it no one could really see the real problem… besides Spike.


…the exhaustion began to weight heavily on her.

Perhaps you could replace your contractions with other words?

>it no one could really see the real problem… besides Spike.


grammer issues with this sentence.

>Spike didn’t buy it. He knew her too well. It came with the territory of being her number one assistant for so long. He also knew Twilight was getting dangerously close to snapping. Celestia’s mane, it was a miracle she hadn’t snapped already! Careful to keep his tone light, the dragon buried the worried expression he knew would be on his face and nodded once. “Okay, then I’ll get some ice for your neck, and then start organizing this mess. You should lie down.”


lots of pronouns. Perhaps naming names?

>You’re going to study yourself into a grave at this rate, and that's not even considering that you should have been checked into the hospital a week ago!


awkward phrasing


>When Twilight had been trying to research Pinkie Sense, she'd done it because she'd wanted to and been to stubborn to give up.


Make two sentences.


>He knew the problem had something to do with her dreams. Her lack of sleep, her outright aversion of rest, and the fact that he'd noticed her writing into the book he knew was her dream journal despite never managing to read it said as much. It had to be her dream journal. She'd enchanted that tome on a level that made it impossible for anyone to read, save maybe Celestia or Luna, and Twilight would only put that much effort into something extremely personal. He'd already found her diary, so that left only the dream journal.


Could use less pronouns, conjunctions, contractions, and a rewording. Trains of thought don't have to be so crude.

>Curse that smile.


Curse that smile!

>There was silence, then the cackling started. First Rainbow Dash, then Pinkie, then Applejack, even Rarity began to laugh. Spike just looked on sadly, the pot still partially covering his head, while Fluttershy remained outside, hiding from view.

Twilight couldn't bear it. How could they? Didn't they understand? How would they feel if they were stuck hanging from the ceiling?! She ground her teeth silently, holding her tongue. Didn't they know how much that hurt? Couldn't they see…?
Couldn't they see that she was suffering?

Needs to be paragraphed and spaced properly.

>Woah wow Twilight I didn't know you could hang from the roof like that!


Whoa wow is awkward

CONTENT (MORE COMING SOON)


>Twilight's lamenting of the girls laughing, or continue it on.


There is no real observerable threat or impending doom other than a "Curse" twilight is suffering from. Its a sudden cut and I'd probably transition it better into a proper chapter end.

Anonymous 107

In regards to the transition, I was going for a scene cut feeling and a sense of despair and hurt from the laughing. As for the rest, thanks!

Does that statement help?

-Thespurgin (sorry, I forgot the name)
This post was edited by its author on .

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