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>That same breeze carried with it the smells
Suggestion: That same breeze carried the smells of baking and activity from Ponyville's residents.
>In the past few days, the exhaustion seemed to have begun weighing especially heavily on her. Twilight didn’t even bother to do her morning routine. What was the point if she no longer slept? Her haggard appearance was a testament to that, though considering she usually looked like that on a study binge it no one could really see the real problem… besides Spike.
…the exhaustion began to weight heavily on her.
Perhaps you could replace your contractions with other words?
>it no one could really see the real problem… besides Spike.
grammer issues with this sentence.
>Spike didn’t buy it. He knew her too well. It came with the territory of being her number one assistant for so long. He also knew Twilight was getting dangerously close to snapping. Celestia’s mane, it was a miracle she hadn’t snapped already! Careful to keep his tone light, the dragon buried the worried expression he knew would be on his face and nodded once. “Okay, then I’ll get some ice for your neck, and then start organizing this mess. You should lie down.”
lots of pronouns. Perhaps naming names?
>You’re going to study yourself into a grave at this rate, and that's not even considering that you should have been checked into the hospital a week ago!
>When Twilight had been trying to research Pinkie Sense, she'd done it because she'd wanted to and been to stubborn to give up.
Make two sentences.
>He knew the problem had something to do with her dreams. Her lack of sleep, her outright aversion of rest, and the fact that he'd noticed her writing into the book he knew was her dream journal despite never managing to read it said as much. It had to be her dream journal. She'd enchanted that tome on a level that made it impossible for anyone to read, save maybe Celestia or Luna, and Twilight would only put that much effort into something extremely personal. He'd already found her diary, so that left only the dream journal.
Could use less pronouns, conjunctions, contractions, and a rewording. Trains of thought don't have to be so crude.
>Curse that smile.
Curse that smile!
>There was silence, then the cackling started. First Rainbow Dash, then Pinkie, then Applejack, even Rarity began to laugh. Spike just looked on sadly, the pot still partially covering his head, while Fluttershy remained outside, hiding from view.
Twilight couldn't bear it. How could they? Didn't they understand? How would they feel if they were stuck hanging from the ceiling?! She ground her teeth silently, holding her tongue. Didn't they know how much that hurt? Couldn't they see…?
Couldn't they see that she was suffering?
Needs to be paragraphed and spaced properly.
>Woah wow Twilight I didn't know you could hang from the roof like that!
Whoa wow is awkward
CONTENT (MORE COMING SOON)
>Twilight's lamenting of the girls laughing, or continue it on.
There is no real observerable threat or impending doom other than a "Curse" twilight is suffering from. Its a sudden cut and I'd probably transition it better into a proper chapter end.