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File: 1352238113069.png (304.02 KB, 1600x2132, doctor_hooves___well_hello_the…)

Golden Vision Reviews — Now 20% Wibbly-Wobblier! 652[Last 50 Posts]

#Reviewer

Greetings! Fancy a jelly baby?

My name is Golden Vision. Some of you might remember me as That Guy Who's Obsessed With Doctor Whooves. I've been around the /fic/ block since about February, and I've like to think that I've gotten to know a little bit about reviewing in that time.

So! This is my third review thread. Now, I'm an author, and so I like to think that I bring my own—usually somewhat sympathetic—perspective to reviewing, and I can't think of a greater feeling than seeing a somewhat shoddy fic eventually shine on EqD or the fimfic Featured Box, knowing that I helped put it there. So I really do want to help you out.

I specialize in…nothing much, really. For characterization, plot, ,worldbuilding, and all of the other little details that go into making a story, I'm your guy. That said, I'm changing some things with this here review thread.

Too often, I feel as though I'm giving a cookie-cutter review. "Too much LUS" (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome), I'll say, or "Needs more Showing, and less Telling." If I even start talking about tense issues or punctuation errors, then clearly something's gone terribly wrong. I feel like I'm doing the author, myself, and those still waiting in my queue a disservice by rewriting a review that I could have given out by copy/pasting from one that I did two days previously.

So here's what's going to happen.

I want to be a reviewer, not a grammarbot. I believe firmly that anyone who cares enough to write their own story should care enough to give it a cursory edit themselves. Therefore, I've provided a collection of prewritten, basic guides to techniques of writing below this OP. Such hits as Ezn's Guide and the Prereader's Omnibus should be familiar to you.

Now, I really want to review stories—that is, plot, characters, setting—all that good stuff. However, if it's clear that you made no effort to make your story readable, then you can go to the back of the line. I reserve the right to reject your story out of hand if it has (consistent) problems with:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS)
2. (Bad) Show, Don't Tell (SDT)
3. Grammar Mistakes
4. Misspelling
5. Crappy Formatting
6. Purple Prose
7. Mary Sue-ness
8. Talking Heads Syndrome (Lack of Body Language)

Let nobody say, though, that I'm an unfair guy. If you're really having trouble with any of these concepts, then feel free to schedule a chat with me on your writing through my email: [email protected] I'd be more than willing to take the time to go over it with you.

Please note that I do have a queue. You can find the submission form at:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGpvNF9NOXhWSnNSSndQZGpPV19ROEE6MQ#gid=0

And the queue itself at:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AkUMuMIFL1l4dGpvNF9NOXhWSnNSSndQZGpPV19ROEE#gid=0

Please note that you are required to request a review in this thread as well as submitting your story into my queue. Failure to do either will result in a rejection of your story from consideration, until further notice.

I will also require a Google Docs version of the fic in question, with comments enabled. Please note that, firstly, I do not review crackfics, and secondly, that multi-chapter stories are welcome (there is no absolute word limit), but I reserve the right to go chapter by chapter on your fic, stretching it out across reviews of other fics. In that respect, consider yourself more of a repeat customer than someone who's made a bulk purchase.

I hope to see you all soon! This is Golden Vision, signing out!
-GV

————————————————————

Sithicus Helpicus: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kqN1tIlVqAVNQkiF_ZV72j-6sljr0bNyzpHAi9TXWTg/edit?hl=en_GB&authkey=CIe4pqkI

Cereal's Writing Guide: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html

Escher's Hints: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gItgz9pF4dT1kS8APsbuQHA1l9Q5kPY8vCVXjpxo2NA/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CKbFlMkN

The Editor's Omnibus: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US

Towson University Writing Support: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm

Ezn's Guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit
This post was edited by its author on .

Jake The Army Guy 661

File: 1352241088151.gif (191.75 KB, 320x179, mine.gif)

MINE!
Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark
Word count: 4893
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

Chapter synopsis: Zecora has been arrested, her mind seemingly gone. How will this affect Twilight and Bentgrass? Is this really how it ends?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lB3PDLYiEmSU8kfph39TB1mfpwHhRme40obxvG-ktKo/edit

Previous chapter, incase you need some context: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lB3PDLYiEmSU8kfph39TB1mfpwHhRme40obxvG-ktKo/edit

Thanks, duder!

662

Also, why the hell don't you have Spike in the character list?!

664

File: 1352241569774.png (373.92 KB, 900x720, doctor_whooves_by_mikoruthehed…)

>>661
HEIL MON FUHRER

>>662
Shoot, I knew I forgot someone! D:

>>663
Wheeeeeeeee

Review Request 665

File: 1352242843195.png (1.61 MB, 1438x1084, ....png)

I claim second on your list. You already have the links (sent via email), so need to post them again.

Unless you want me to that is. I look forward to your thoughts.

Anonymous 666

>>663
You know you can edit posts here? Cause now you can.

667

File: 1352243238502.jpeg (1.02 MB, 1324x1168, 37921%20-%20Doctor_Whoof%20Doc…)

>>665
A reposting would be much appreciated, if you don't mind. :3

And I'll do my best to get through at least Ch. 1-3, since I've left you hanging for so long.

Also, could you please stop using that creepy-ass picture of a skull in your posts? Gawd. 0_0

668

>>665
>>667
Yes. Start building up your picture folder, Garnot. I swear you only have three pics to choose from; that one, the dude in the snow storm, and that guy with goggles on that looks like he's driving through the neon district.

671

File: 1352246089259.jpg (36.22 KB, 400x343, .....jpg)

>>667
Very well then, I'll repost the story.

>>668
I do have a folder of pictures to use. I just don't use them much.

Also, what is wrong with my face?

716

File: 1352338166885.gif (70 KB, 360x360, 15968-animated-artist-mihaaaa-…)

>>661
>>663
Heyo, Jake, and welcome to the inaugural review of this here new 'n shiny thread!

I've already looked over your title and synop more times than I can count, so let's cut straight to the chase, shall we?

———————————————

Characters: 5/5
I have good news for you, Jake—your consistent streak of excellent characterization is still going strong here. I greatly enjoyed Spike's maturation scene, as well as Twilight's interaction with Bentgrass, and her own dawning horror. Very well done.

Plot: 4/5
Everything seemed to flow quite nicely overall. However, I had a few gripes—for one (even though this is easy to solve in theory), how did the Professor get away from Spike to attack Rainbow Dash? Secondly—and this is a bit more important—I wanted the full scene of walking to the library. No halfhearted references, no throwaway lines of narration—the full scene. Otherwise, just cut it out completely. This way, we get a greater appreciation for the characters and their relation to events, rather than getting it completely from….well. Tapping on tables.

Setting: 4.5/5
A good job setting up your scenes and then following through. I would suggest you break up your dialogue occasionally with more body language in some places, and make sure you're not being repetitive or redundant with your descriptions.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Seeing as I'm no longer accepting fics that appear to be written by kindergarteners, I'm going to have to penalize you here for word choice and awkward sentence structure. The number of "corrections" I made in the first few pages can be assumed to carry on through; though the story drew me in, smoother reading would have accomplished it even better. Remember, though, that a 3.5 isn't "bad;" it's just that a "5" would be Stephen King or Terry Pratchett-level writing.

Enjoyability: 5/5
The way that you interfaced Bentgrass's conclusions with the reader was extremely enjoyable, and even though I realized that the Professor was the real culprit halfway through his first scene, it was still an enjoyable romp by Twilight and Bentgrass through the facts of the case. I was left with a real appreciation for the events of the chapter, and a definite apprehension for those of the next.

Total: 22/25

Final Thoughts:
Another solid installment, and if I'm not mistaken, one that's quickly drawing us toward the close of this story. I wish you the best of luck finishing everything up, and know that I'll be here for the ending, and for any additional works of fiction that you may write.

Best of luck,
GV

A Heavy Crown FullmetalPony 720

File: 1352349479696.jpg (70.44 KB, 250x370, sadcadance.jpg)

Title: A Heavy Crown
Tags: Sad, Shipping, Slice of Life
Synopsis: I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story… it's my story.

Word Count: 11,351

link:https://drive.google.com/?tab=wo&authuser=0#folders/0Bw_B_E7VZDjQT2dQOWFFZm5MZDQ

Comments: I just wish I'd gone here before I got my third EqD strike. I still want to write a good story though

FullmetalPony 721

>>720
Also there's a plot outline in the link there. In case anything seems confusing, that will hopefully help

722

>>716
Thank you once again, GV-izzle!
Some thoughts on your thoughts(yo dawg):

How did Parchment get away from Spike to attack Dash?

Not easily, I can tell you that. All shall be revealed next chapter.

I wanted the full scene of walking to the library.

I honestly thought I could get away with not showing that. I thought Bentgrass's and Twilight's feelings were quite clear from the end of last chapter. But if you think it will make a big improvement, then I can do that no issue. I would like your honest opinion, what would you do? Write the additional scene, or just dump it?

Awkward sentence structure

Yes, this still kills me. Seriously, even if I read it aloud, I can never tell if something doesn't sound right. I hope you highlighted some of them. I can't get to GDocs because of stupid DoD computers, but once I get home I shall make the appropriate edits.


The next chapter is gonna be a little bit. I'm on night shift the next two weeks, 6PM to 6AM, and work isn't exactly conducive to creative writing. However, I have most of the final chapter mapped out, and I can say it's gonna be a doozy, most likely my longest chapter yet unless I cut it in half and make people hate me by making it a cliffhanger two-parter. But I'm not that evil. Maybe…

I'd use your real name here to emphasize my point, but I won't print state secrets like that online, so I'll just use your handle. Golden Vision, I can NOT thank you enough for all the help you've given me on this project. I think that, with maybe one or two exceptions, you have seen literally EVERY permutation of every chapter of this story. You're the best, duder!

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 728

For argument's sake: I think purple prose and mary sueness fall firmly in the category of "actual reviewing" and not "beep boop I am a nitpicking machine."

That said, I've thrown you something that's just kind of stewing. I'm trying to make progress on it, but it's a weird one and it's taking second place to something else. I'm hoping that your review can give me some direction—what you liked, didn't like, etc.

740

File: 1352378119703.png (310.85 KB, 680x581, 132420420509.png)

>>720
That sucks about your third strike :( Well, I'll do my best nevertheless to help make this better!

>>722
I would probably have just started from the library itself, but it's really just up to you. I did highlight some of the awkward sentences, but only for the first few pages. I'd suggest reading them aloud to properly edit them; see if they sound weird, then change them accordingly.

And finally, I'm always willing to help! Your writing is, as always, a pleasure to read.

>>728
I would actually love to have a nitpicking machine that went "beep boop." Mainly so I could show it off to Ion and make him jealous.

FullmetalPony 746

>>740
Annoying part is the pre-reader didn't even tell me in the rejection email what I did wrong (I just submitted chapter 1 and the outline at the time)

Anonymous 747

>>746
That's not their responsability.

In fact, I think it would be better if everyone stop submitting their stories to EQD immediately after they finish, because I can say with a good degree of certainty its going to suck balls, waste the prereaders time, and just make me cry a little.

752

>>747
As someone whose first story was accepted upon sending in the first time, immediately after finishing, I still agree with this.

After you finish a story, for God's sake, get someone other than a friend to look it over. Allow yourself to take care of the glaring issues that you didn't see because of author-blindness before sending it in. Now, I've never been a pre-reader, but I can imagine that they'd be a lot more willing to note exactly what you need to improve if it's clear that the story's been treated with a little more care. It probably seems pretty painfully obvious when someone submits a story that has had no real editing. The less issues there are preventing its submission, I'd wager the more likely the PR is to give the author direction on what those remaining issues are.

Anonymous 753

>>752
Particularly worrisome is the process reviewing in Ponychan seems to encourage:

1.) Guy gets to the place, hoping to get his story in EQD

2.) He gets help and gets told "fix this, this will make it get in".

3.) He does it, but then ignores that maybe he did more of a mess than before.

4.) Cue rejection.

754

>>720

I took the liberty of skimming through your first chapter.

Just something that immediately jumped at me was that it could do with a greater word variety. In the first 500 words you use the word 'light' a total of twelve times. That's too many, IMO. Mix it up a bit, use synonyms or pronouns.

What also confused me was that most of the story (well, the first chapter, at least) is told in past-tense, third-person view. Then, two thirds into it, it switches to present-tense, first-person view. The first-person thng kinda makes sense, since the synopsis is told in first-person. But, if that's the case, why not start with a first person narration? Why switch between the two?

Granted, I mostly skimmed through the thing, so I might've missed something.

I don't know why I wrote this, I just felt like expressing my thoughts about it. Feel free to ignore this…
This post was edited by its author on .

Anonymous 756

>>753
Quite right.

New authors are the lifeblood of a fiction community, but an environment that doesn't educate them on business-end of things (in this case, being fanfiction, the 'business end' isn't publishers, production or campaigns, but the way in which the fandom's internal processes work) can discourage new authors, and new sources of potentially good stories are lost.

It's important to give them the review service they need, but also important for them to quickly learn how to negotiate the processes and 'learn the ropes' so to speak. That also includes how to take review and apply it to a story - as you said, sometimes authors get review and make revisions, but end up creating just as many problems as they solved. Then they're frustrated because they just-don't-know-what-went-wrong.

Perhaps with this clean slate in a new location, a fresh environment can be crafted. It's something to be hopeful for and strive towards.

758

>>756
I know for a fact someone was making a "So you want to X" series for writers and reviewers in the fandom, but I think that went the way of the Dodo.

Come to think of it, so did the person who was making them.

759

File: 1352398556522.jpg (46.38 KB, 1117x715, doctor_whooves_in___don__t_bli…)

Anons, anons everywhere

FullmetalPony 764

>>752
I did. I went through it multiple times, got help from some very good reviewers *cough* Garrot *cough* and made sure to look through it.

766

>>764
There is also the possibility your story idea simply is something they didn't like at all, but they have the horrible tendency of not telling you that because they have no idea how to put it without sounding like dicks, so they look like dicks.

It's a vicious cycle. Maybe ask them next time to be more clear?

767

>>764
Well, if you're curious, why don't you just ask? You can reply to the mail they sent you and ask (politely) why it was rejected, just so you know for future works. They might not respond, but it's the most likely chance of getting an answer.

FullmetalPony 770

>>767
Sigh
Did that too and got no response
>>766
Earlier Pre-read said the story had potential and asked for a plot outline which I gave.

Anonymous 771

>>770
Well, you could always go with the ever so traditional "the prereaders are assholes that feed on the tears of those they taunt with entrance and then deny for no specific reason."

Come to think of it, what the prereaders need is a full blown public asshole whose sole job is to not care whatever everyone thinks of him and simply have the job of telling people they are horrible. Not for the entertaiment value, mind you, but just to give people some perspective into what truly bad person can be.

Think about it, how hard can it be to get a person that is so full of himself that he can sail over a wave of hate, insult while still giving criticism, and in general have so little regard from everyone else that this would actually not matter to him?

FullmetalPony 773

>>771
So we need to get a politician to pre-read then?

774

>>771
The old "Zero Approval Gambit?"

Heh, if I ever become a pre-reader, I'll take that role.

Grif 779

File: 1352431032085.png (955.8 KB, 4670x6060, lyra_heartstrings_by_90sigma-d…)

Oh hey, so this is where everyone is hiding.

You may recognise this. *cough*

Title: The Horse Whisperer
Author: Grif
Tags: Slice-Of-Life (No, really. I do not know how to tag this story.)
Word count: 14000+
Synopsis: An accident leaves Lyra with the ability to see beyond the veil of the dead. How would our carefree unicorn handle her newfound abilities?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/180cIaaplVpQQIctPKq6YSCbql9EdHwFsKnZVicyr_8o/edit

I'm concerned with the flow of the story at this point. My ending has been pointed out as somewhat weak, so yes, it might be rewritten at some point. But for now, here is the third draft.

Review: "Heart of Gold, Wings of Steel" Chapter 1 812

File: 1352495585916.jpeg (139.66 KB, 780x810, 27407.jpeg)

>>665
Hey, Garnot! Sorry for taking so long on your review. I’ve got Chapter 1 here, and I’ll try to alternate reviews for your chapters between those I do for other fics. It’ll take you a bit of time to keep up with the revisions anyway, so this should work out fine than one huge dump.

Title: Hearts of Gold, Feathers of Steel
I like this title. That is all.

Synopsis:
I could talk about it here, but I don’t want to. Most people tend to discourage lines in a synopsis that are merely rhetorica, symbolic, or in some way philosophical. Yours is nothing but, and that’s a problem.

Just reading it, I have no idea of the plot, the characters, or anything. Should I be a college junior majoring in Philosophy, then I might well click that link to expand my knowledge of comparative viewpoints. But I’m not, and so I’m not going to click it.

I think you can take it from here. Basically, give me context, not various pseudophilosophical reflections.

————————————————————————

Plot: 2.5/5
I think you could do much better here, and here’s why.

Now, I love me some good character reflection. In fact, I once did a chapter full of it.

Equestria Daily stomped on it, tore it to shreds, and then offered me its bloody carcass.

At first, I was understandably confused. Why were they doing this? Hadn’t it been stylistically well-written. Had I not crafted my characterization correctly?

And then I realized: nothing had actually happened. There was nothing, nowhere in the entirety of my chapter, for them to become involved. I had thrusted my character at them, and crammed it down their throats without allowing even the common luxury of reader interpretation and character action.

Your chapter, on the whole, is relatively acceptable. Inner monologue isn’t necessarily taboo, so long as it’s done well. However, the one part that was almost completely bad was Gilda’s reflections—i.e. her pseudo-flashback—on Junior Speedsters. This was just clunky, Tell-y, and overall sloppy writing.

Here’s how I would change it.

It’s entirely possible to convey the sense of abandonment and regret that Gilda feels within this scene; however, you need a different method. I would actually suggest having Gilda’s memories play out in front of her in the form of hallucinations—or, if you’d prefer your protagonist to be something even resembling sane, then in some manner similar to Mufasa in The Lion King. Have her re-enact a dialogue with her father on the shores of the pond, or have the shouts and screams of her tribe fill her ears as she looks around wildly in some form of PTSD. Have her see Dash, standing alone on the side of the lake, take flight and leave without her.

This way, you’re able to convey the emotion and backstory associated with the scene without outright Telling us all about it. Something additional that I would like to suggest would be to add in an encounter with one of those “greater predators” between the squirrel and the lake—that way, we can see in action a potential reflection of Gilda’s “unworthiness.” Maybe her own blood mixes with the squirrel’s in the lake, and she gets existential about it. Maybe she escapes, but barely, sees the “hallucinations” on the shore as she bathes, and then passes out on the side of the lake.

Anything but this straightforward, clumsy Telling.

For the record, you don't have to get rid of all of her reflection, especially on the history of the clan and so on. Your main concern would be illustrating her relationships with Dash and her father without outright talking about them, which is admittedly difficult.


Characters: 4/5
Overall, I really liked the way you built up Gilda’s character arc, both in the past and in the future to come. I really felt her pain, and her regret, and I thought that her backstory and thoughts were very believable. The one thing I would suggest, though, is to caution you on how flowery you make her inner monologue. In general, you did fairly well, but more than a few times you went a tad flowery in your narration. A poet or philosopher, Gilda is not. This isn’t a complete ban on reflection, but rather a word of caution on how often and how expansively you provide for her tone and vocabulary.

Setting: 5/5
Excellent work. Not much to say—each of your scenes was wonderfully vivid. Keep it up.

Mechanics: 4/5
Several bits of awkward writing here and there, but nothing too egregious.

Enjoyability: 4/5
I really like the picture of Gilda that you’ve painted for us here, but I also do think that you can go a bit further in its actual illustration, and the tools that you use to do so.

Total: 19.5/25

Final Thoughts:
I believe you said that this was Nick’s old fic, and if so, I’m quite surprised I haven’t seen any gay griffons so far. Ah, well. Anyways, it looks like you’re doing the concept justice for the most part, but I would definitely advise you extremely strongly to take my advice about plot under consideration.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Some

Best of luck!
-GV
This post was edited by its author on .

813

File: 1352495992071.jpg (39.79 KB, 500x419, 118.jpg)

>>779
Hey Grif! Slight problem with your fic—it kinda needs to be in my queue before I can review it.

815

Heya there!

Don't know if I'm supposed to post it here as well, but I put my story into the queue.

Would be interesting to know if it's got a snowball's chance in hell of making it into EQD. I would certainly hope so, since I just sent it their way a few days ago. Oh well, they're probably too busy with the mountain of fics currently flooding their queue to reach mine any time soon…

In any case, I'm curious as to what you think about it.

Anonymous 816

>>812
I just laughed at how you suggest taking elements from the Lion king and having her hallucinate. Not because I can disagree, not really my purpose here, but now I won't be able to read this story without seeing Gilda as Simba after hitting the bong a bit too much.

Thank you for that.

Grif 821

>>813
And I thought I sent it in already.

Razzn Fassn.

Stuff to look out for FullmetalPony 824

Okay so actually did a get response from my pre-reader. Apparently issues for the first and second drafts are still in there. This confuses me since I've started from scratch with each new draft and then taken it in to be reviewed before hand but losers are still losers apparently.

So here's the stuff to look out for:

Flat Writing
Missing Punctuation
Rushed Plot
Tautology
comma splice

Those are what they've pointed out but there's probably a ton of other things that I don't notice but they do and will reject me for in any future endeavors so now I'm even questioning if I should even bother.

887

Holy crap. The epic finale. Dude, I ain't even gonna lie, I'm nervous as shit on this one. Hope I haven't gone too far into left field.

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark
Word count: 8,000
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tyNA1Yt0wYZmyw3jSxnHPxZ_xCIOvhfch_TeSB9pyM0/edit

Also, I think I'm pulling a serious faux pax, but it's not entirely finished yet. But, it will be by tomorrow, so it won't effect the queue.

Anonymous 889

File: 1352599006806.jpg (245.85 KB, 1165x882, 1343497830323.jpg)

>>887
>off topic
Is this your commission pic, for this story?
I saw it on this site's >>>/art/ before I heard the name of the story.
This post was edited by its author on .

890

File: 1352599274695.jpg (186.19 KB, 1000x750, sketch_coverart_2.jpg)

>>889
Yes. It was done free by the amazing ZetaRed on Deviant Art. The concept was my idea, but he brought it to life, I think!

897

File: 1352618928659.png (395.64 KB, 1280x721, poker face.png)

>>887

Um, GV, what's your policy on length? Because I'm about halfway done, and I'm already at 8,000 words. Eh-heheh.

906

File: 1352647184732.png (373.92 KB, 900x720, doctor_whooves_by_mikoruthehed…)

>>890
That picture is freakin' amazing.

>>897
Heh. Remember, I ain't reading shit stories anymore (AKA, ones that require a comment for every single line), so consider all length requirements to be effectively lifted. Most of my review comes from my reading of the chapter, rather than my commenting—more words just give me more to say.

914

>>906
Rock!

Okay, I have one more question from you. I know you like your stories to be sound before you start so I want to ask this: I'm having a bit of an issue with perspective.

Okay, the part of the chapter is told from Twilight's POV. This is her, Bentgrass, and somepony else figuring out exactly what's going on and where Parchment is. Scene break, and then the second part is the other five mares and Parchment, and that is told from Dash's perspective. Now, the final act is a big fight sequence, and that is the issue. It's two parts: the Mane Six against a big monster, and Bentgrass fighting Parchment. Now, this follow directly from the bit from Dash's POV. The girls and the monster can easily be told from Dash's POV, but I'm running into an issue of how to show Bentgrass's fight. Now, I knopw it's a major no-no to shift from limited to omniscient, so what would you advise? I was thinking either just say screw it and every now and then cutting to Bentgrass's view, hoping you don't notice. Or, I could insert, "* * *" in between the transitions. Basically, I want to know what isn't going to piss you off too bad. :)

917

>>914
Sorry, I forgot to enter a password to edit.

OR!! I just thought of this. Since I'm already at 9,000 words, maybe I should be a complete douche and cliffhanger them there, and make the fight its own chapter.

921

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>>914
There are many forms of media who put separate fights as proceeding in parallel, and simultaneously—The Wheel of Time and The Lord of the Rings are two very good examples. It's totally permissible to write 500 words of the Mane Six fighting, then 500 describing Bentgrass, and then back. It would require a scene break, though, but that's easy-peasy.

>>917

>cliffhanger

Don't you fucking dare. ಠ_ಠ

923

>>921
……… yes, sir.




meep…

924

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>>921

You kids and your unicode

950

>>921
And now I'm having trouble choreographing the fights.


I blame you and your threats.

1000

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Hey guys. Sorry I'm taking so long to review—I've had 3-4 tests come up this week, and there's been a lot of work cleaning the house after the power's come back on. I hope to get back to work by tomorrow night, but in the meantime, have some Jack Black <3

1001

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1003

>>1000

Okay, chapter is now finished! Holy crap, 14,000 words! I just sent it to my editor, so any grammar derps should be cleaned up by the time you get to it.

Again, I'm nervous as hell on this one, dude. Not only is it a lot of action, AND a lot of feels, but this is where everything is laid out. Everything I've been alluding to, all the hints, all the subplots, ALL of it comes together here. If people don't buy this, I'm another Ponyfall: a good story with a crap ending. This isn't THE ending, one more chapter to tidy everything up, but this is the thrilling climax.

Okay, I'm rambling now. I'll shut up. Mr. Vision, I am at your mercy. Show no quarter, do your worst. God help me…
This post was edited by its author on .

Chapters 2 and 3 FullmetalPony 1124

Okay, so given the level of edits in chapter 1 I think it'd be best that I use what you said in that chapter, make sure I didn't repeat the same mistakes in chapter 2 and 3, re-edit, and then come back for separate reviews on those two chapters.

Review: "A Heavy Crown" 1125

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>>720
>>824

Hi there, Fullmetal! I'm really sorry for taking so long on your review—a research paper, three tests, and a pretty frantic week prevented me from getting to it. But enough with the excuses!

—————————

Title: A Heavy Crown
I really like this title, especially as it relates to the dual stage of Queen Chrysalis and Princess Cadance. It's a nice little innocent double entendre, in that they both have their responsibilities, and their own conflicts.

Synopsis:
>I'll tell you a story. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings. I'll tell you about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion she loved. This is her story… it's my story.

I don't really like this synopsis, and it's more for the first person than for the overall tone and diction (which I do like). I would prefer:

>There is a story, hidden in the mists of emotion. It's a tale about a unicorn with wings; about the Princess that kept her alive, the filly that taught her to care, and the stallion that showed her how to love.


But then you'd have to relate that back to Chrysalis; I don't like the "This is her story…it's my story" bit at all. Add something else at the end to turn things toward the opposite side of the story, so that we have more context, especially considering that the story isn't fully from Chrysalis's PoV.

—————————

Characters: 4/5
I really did like how you painted each of the main characters. As cringeworthy a name others might find Aria to be, I actually rather liked it. Her relationship with Willow was illustrated nicely, though not expanded enough to really hold an impact.

The one stumbling block I found was with Chrysalis's characterization. Although I definitely liked the way you made her, I would have liked more explicit thoughts and actions painting her as a complex character, rather than just the standard evil, plotting villain. The same went for Aria—though I liked her rather matronly, tranquil character, I wanted more to separate her from "Prospective Mother #42."

Plot: 3/5
I very much liked your outline, but I think the biggest struggling point that this chapter had was the opening scene—the dream and the light. It doesn't really have much context, if any, and it just serves to confused the reader. I have my suspicions as to what it represents, and why, but really, we have no way to know anything about the dream as readers; it's an obstacle to actually understanding, and thereby enjoying the story.

Another problem that I noticed was with Chrysalis's PoV at the end of the chapter. Specifically, she's depressed, she's irritated…and then suddenly something happens that makes her happy. We're left to assume that it has something to do with Cadance's birth, but we really never have a transition between the two states to give us something to chew on. Was she expecting this to happen? Was she expecting it to go wrong? Was it even, perhaps, unintentional? Give us these details (through Showing, though; not Telling).

Setting: 2/5
Approximately 70% of the time I read this, and especially during the hospital scene, I felt as though I truly was looking at at the world from Aria's eyes. So you did a good job illustrating her actions and the scene itself. However, the consistent problems with awkward wording got in the way of your ability to paint a picture in our minds—as soon as you begun another rhapsodizing paragraph on the background imagery, you'd stumble and say something silly that destroyed that sense of immersion. Big problem there.

You lost another point for the simple format of Chrysalis's PoV. Put simply, we don't need a first-person perspective, and it greatly disrupts the flow of the chapter. You literally wouldn't lose anything by changing it to third-person; if anything, it would strengthen the image that you're going for later, with Chrysalis as some kind of plotter, lurking in the darkness, rather than an active force. So change that, please.

Mechanics: 2/5
I usually tend not to look at prereader or reviewer comments before actually looking at a fic. That said, the comments that you posted were spot-on. There was flat, stilted writing absolutely everywhere, redundancies filled every other page, and there were even a few problems with simple punctuation.

That's not to say that your prose is irredeemable—it wasn't; far from it—but you need a lot of work to make this more readable. Note also that I didn't point out every instance of "bad" writing, so you'll have to do some seating yourself if you want to find it all.

Enjoyability: 3.5/5
All in all, this wasn't actually bad. I like the ideas that you set out in your outline—the fact that you've planned out so much only impresses me with your dedication—and overall, you executed them pretty well. The devil, then, is in the details—your writing style is the only thing getting in the way. Fortunately, that's what practice and revisions are for. Over time, as you edit your writing and see what you consistently get wrong, you'll learn and get better from your mistakes, refining your writing style into a thing of beauty. But remember, it takes effort to get there.

Total: 14.5/25

Final Thoughts:
I've got two things that I want to say before I wrap this little review up, so let's get them out and over with.

1.) Don't give up on this fic.
I know you may be feeling down and depressed from its three strikes, but the sheer amount of thought and effort you've put into this fic's storyline and development should be enough from keeping you giving up on it. Keep pushing forward with it. I know that you can make this a great story, and so I want you to keep pushing your prose and thoughts forward to be the best they can be.

And if you really try your best to do all you can to fix it…well. I'm not promising anything, but that kind of effort, even delayed, might be able to catch the attention of those in the upper echelons, if you know what I'm getting it.

2.) Don't rewrite this fic.
The second you submitted your request on my thread, little alarm bells went off in my head because of something I read:

>This confuses me since I've started from scratch with each new draft and then taken it in to be reviewed before hand but losers are still losers apparently.


There's a rule for writing anything, really. It's the first rule that any good writer knows.

>The first draft of anything is shit.


And a "first draft" is something that's written from scratch. It's even something that's written from scratch with the knowledge that you obtained by your previous editions, because your writing is still coming from a fresh place.

And rewriting isn't bad, but every time you do so, you lose all of your progress; you go back to square one. Now, I would question the quality of the reviews you've received each time if, apparently, the same problems are present in every instance (though the TG is convenient, it isn't always the gathering place of the most competent—longtime veterans exempted, of course). So don't you dare "start from scratch" with this. Instead, replace those words I've marked, rewrite or restructure the scenes I've highlighted, and make changes to the scenes that I may have red-lighted. Anything else will net you the exact same problems as before.

I don't want you to give up on this, by the way. So please, don't.

<3 Cadance x SA

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: No

Best of luck!
Golden Vision

1126

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>>1124
Sounds like a plan.

FullmetalPony 1156

>>1125
Should I just drop the dream? I mean the beginning of stories is always the hardest part for me and well, first impressions are already a mess anyway, so why not just get rid of it?

1157

>>1156
Well, will it be important again? Is it actually a part of the plot, or is it just symbolism?
This post was edited by its author on .

FullmetalPony 1159

>>1157
Just foreshadowing.

1170

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>>1159
So just symbolism. If there's no monster or magic that relates to dreams, and that would somehow directly relate the vision to the events of the story, then get rid of it.

I can't do it FullmetalPony 1186

I just can't do it anymore. Every time I think I make progress it doesn't even matter. Look at it, I don't even know how much of it is even my writing anymore. And I've set it up to do 19 more chapters of this? Why the hell should I bother writing if I can't tell a good story. Don't give up? What a joke! THere's nothing to give up. This is all crap! All of it. I can't take this fanfiction bs anymore. I'm tired of this depressing me and making me feel bad over nothing. Go help people who can actually write goodbye

1188

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>>1186

That is why you fail.

Dude, I literally think what you just said every time I sit down to write. I get all fired up to write the next chapter, then spend three hours staring at a blank screen telling myself I suck. Now look at me! I'm about to hit my final chapter!

I'm not saying I'm some awesome writer, because, well… I'm not. I'm saying don't give up! Just sit down and write something, ANYTHING! GV said it above: the first draft of anything is crap. That's why I have a pre-reader read it before I give it to GV. Yes, a pre-reader for a pre-read. Yo, dawg…

Dude, just keep trying! The world needs more writers, even if it's just pony fiction. Take a few days off, walk away from it. Let the ideas simmer in your head for a bit, it'll come eventually.

DO it for yourself, do it for the fandom! Do it for fluffy Twilight!

1190

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>>1186
Giving up is, in a word, weakness. Giving up means you've let the world get the best of you. Giving up means abandoning your dreams and aspirations. Today, you give up on a small fic. Tomorrow, you may give up on your job, your career, your dreams, and dare I say, even life. Giving up is the coward's way, and you are no coward. You've struggled, and you've fallen, but every fall and stumble serves to strengthen you.

If your story isn't working, then rework it! Go back to the beginning of it all. I can't tell you how much promise your idea holds, and all of it would be lost if you choose to surrender. Look at me, for example. I've already gone through what feels like dozens of drafts for a singular idea. There were times when I wanted to just quit, but I didn't. Today, I'm still at it regardless of how much grief it gives me. I did not surrendered, and neither should you. Never give up. Never ever give up. Writer's aren't born; they are made.

>>1188
Jake, I salute you and fluffy Twilight.
This post was edited by its author on .

1192

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>>1186
Nien!. You shall not quit the writing of the fun time stories. You have had success on fimfiction and you shall continue to do so by not giving up. Besides I'm the horrible writer on this board, not you! Stop stealing my thunder dammit!

1196

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>>1188
>>1190
>>1192
I love you guys

FullmetalPony 1197

>>1188
"That is why you fail."

Really? Really? Cause I came here even after getting three strikes on EqD. Why? Because I did want to improve, I did want to become a better writer and yet it has all be for naught.

I even got a reply for what I did wrong in my previous submissions and they said it was the same things over and over. So despite the six months of working and getting back and trying again, nothing substantial has been gained from it.
>>1190

"then rework it! go back to the begging of it all."

Oh look a reviewer who can't spell. Wonderful, and even giving me contradictory stuff to what Golden said. I just love how this is one big convoluted mess now.

And there I go raging again. Why? Because of some silly words? Does that sound reasonable to you? To get angry? To get depressed? No! It's not! It's ridiculous!

Six months! Six damn months! I kept trying only to get knocked down again and again! You know what it's called when you try something over and over gain and expect different results? Insanity. So, by continuing writing you want me to be depressed, mad at myself, mad at the system, and crazy. I think for my own good it's better I give up this damaging hobby then continue to spiral deeper into its madness.

You people are not bad, fan fics are not bad, they're just bad for me.

1198

>>1197
I'm pretty sure the issue is that: you aren't improving because you are thinking that just doing what you were doing before, but more carefully, will yield a better story because you are doing things "better" than before. In general, you insist on having the same approach you began with rather than evolving with your writing. If you truly want to quit, be my guest, but don't get angry unless you actually try to do things differently.

Worse comes to worse, I believe you might want to ask Garnot there to put you in contact with the Samurai, if he even is doing anything fandom related anymore. He is a persuasive motherfucker and seems pretty bright when not spewing words like a faucet. Or go to Pascoite. Or, I don't know, read some books, compare them with your own writing and work from there.

I'm out.
This post was edited by its author on .

1199

>>1197

The most sobering, and often most effective, way to learn is by our mistakes.

My suggestion is that if writing your fic truly makes you that gloomy, and you feel that you aren't getting anywhere, try writing something else entirely! Conjure up a new idea, as I'm sure you can, and let your old one gather dust for a while until you're ready to come back to it with a fresh and expanded mind.
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 1201

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>>1197

I've got two things that have two strikes each from EQD.

One of those things blew the mind of the pony who I look to as mentor and inspiration.



Getting told that your work is bad is not "getting knocked down."

"Why you fail" is because you keep on coming back to the same failure. I've done this exact thing, very recently in fact.

"Trying something over over again and expecting different results" is what you're doing by repeatedly editing this and hoping that it suddenly transcends some invisible barrier and becomes good.

Seeking advice from GV and TTG and whatever has not helped you grow. Their google doc comments are not going to sneak into your brain and make you go "I'm Keanu, I know kung fu." You are the same writer that you were in the beginning. You can't become a better writer by just asking for help on a piece of your writing.

As for you, specifically, in this situation?

Read your story, from the beginning, like a reader would. Edit it and rewrite it until it clicks together as a thing and becomes something that, to your eye, is "finished" even if you don't know how good it is.

Then move on. Write clop starring your OTP. Write fic #852 about the newest episode. Write a motherfucking CoD crossover for all I care.

Write something and see if it's different from the last thing you did. If it's still not good, fine. At least you're not trying something over and over again and expecting different results.

>pic unrelated

>in restrospect only unrelated because it's not my OTP

You're lucky I'm not in a spiteful mood, or you bet I'd be spitting back at you for your reply to Garnot's post.
This post was edited by its author on .

1204

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>>1197
Sigh.

Three things.

First, I understand that you're angry, but I would thank you not to insult others in my thread. I have a great deal of respect for Garnot and Jake, and I would appreciate it if you would share at least some of that respect.

Secondly, you're going wrong because you're rewriting. I must have said this three times by now—there's nothing wrong with your plot. The story itself—the scenes, characters, and so on—are great. I loved your outline. The problem is your writing itself, and that's an issue that we all face. A first draft is crap, not necessarily because of the ideas within, but because of how rough and unpolished it is. If you rewrite, you're only coming up with a much rougher pile of crap. Refinement and fine-touched revision is what really matters in your case.

Finally, if you'll scroll up to the OP, you'll notice that I offer independent tutoring for those who have issues unable to be solved by the normal review methods. I helped out muttation with his own writing style, and we're due to meet at some point in the near future for another tutoring session—we've had some success on the problems of Show, Don't Tell, and he's getting better every time I see him. If you would like to take me up on this offer, my email is [email protected] I'd be more than happy to help.

>>1198
>>1201
Alright guys; thanks for your thoughts. Regardless, this derail is over—Tactical, I hope to have your review done by tonight, and if there are any more thoughts on this issue, please settle them by email (either with me or with each other). Any more off-topic posts will be respectfully deleted.

1206

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>>1197
Oh yeah well I've had Pop Culture knocked down for seven months straight and… and I…

>gif


Well I'm not just giving up all hope is what I'm trying to say. *sobs*

1208

>>1197
>>1190
Golden, I apologize for this post.

I would like to extend an apology to FMP for that small error in spelling, as well as my previous involvement in the tale.

1218

>>1204
Yes, sir. Iz sowwy.


Also, I have had a bunch of people scream at me for not publishing my penultimate chapter. I may or may not have told them it's awaiting pre-reading by you. You may want to lock your doors…

Jake The Army Guy (Element of Hooah) 1238

Random comment, GV: That pic in the OP makes me smile literally every time I see it.

Happy Whooves is Best Whooves.

1282

Spamming a bit, but this time it's legitimate.

Okay, on my last chapter, you chastised me on talking about a scene instead of showing it. I agree, showing it made it better. However, as I write the REAL final chapter, I run into a similar issue.

Basically, is a three day time skip long enough to just warrant a small recap? It's three-days after… well, after what you're going to read in the chapter currently in your queueueueue. I have a paragraph and a half stating what happened in the intermediate time. Would that draw your ire?

1286

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>>1282
Eh. It depends, especially for epilogues and such. I'd have to look at it to be sure.

>>728
>>815
I'm really sorry that I haven't gotten to you guys yet. I plan to crank out your reviews tonight, so look out for that! Grif and Jake, you'll be tomorrow (half-day at school!)

Review: "Baby Got Backstage" 1293

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Heya, Tactical! Again, sorry for taking such a ridiculously long time with this. Better late than never though, I guess.

————————————————

Title Baby Got Backstage
I actually kind of like this—heh. However, I'm not quite sure if it gives off quite the right feeling that you intend for it to.

Synopsis:
>Twilight, with Octavia as backup, tries to control a cast for a musical that stars Trixie and Vinyl Scratch as the romantic leads. Everything goes pretty much as well as could be expected.

>This synopsis obviously isn't final.

Clearly.

I'd suggest adding in something more about vitriolic hatred, potential relationships, and not playing with the fourth wall, as with "Everything goes about as well as could be expected," as that's just lazy. I guess there's not much more to be said, seeing as this is really very rough anyway.

—————————————————

Plot: 2.5/5
The storyline itself seems quite good, but your execution leaves something to be desired. To begin with, you just throw us into the action wholeheartedly, and we never even really learn what's happening in the story. Instead, we're forced to put together some bastardization of an idea, as the concept of a play isn't even mentioned directly in the expository sense. When going between scenes, too, or even parts of scenes, you have a tendency to make these little "leaps" between bits of writing, which you simply must not do. See the (lack of) transition between auditions and decisions on said auditions for a good example.

Characters: 5/5
I very much liked your characterization of each and every one of our protagonists. Twilight was spot-on, and her chemistry with Octavia was good, while Trixie and Scratch were…well. Trixie and Scratch. Excellent work here.

Setting: 3/5
This needs more work. You have a lot of verbs or action tags that aren't nearly as emotive as they could be, and you describe a few things that don't require it (the theatre in the second scene, for example, or else some background characters who don't actually require it). You need more body language in your dialogue as well, as we're often ending up with something in between an inner monologue, and talking heads syndrome. Dialogue should be more than "X asked, Y said."

Mechanics: 3/5
Nothing really shabby, but you have a bunch of awkward language up the wazoo. Starting a sentence with "Also"? Really?

Enjoyability: 4/5
Overall, this fic proved fairly entertaining. Even if I hadn't read the outline, I'd want to know where it was going. The problem will be getting people to read far enough to actually understand enough of the plot to want to continue; that opening (or lack thereof) is going to be the most important thing to fix before this can really get a 5/5.

Total: 17.5/25

Final Thoughts:
This certainly wasn't a badly written fic. In fact, I quite liked your tone of narration and overall writing style. The characters had great dynamics, and the concept seemed intriguing. The problem comes from the fact that you're simply assuming too much of your readers, and that leaves a staggeringly huge gaping hole in the middle of your fic. It shouldn't be too difficult to fix, though.

Ready for EqD?: Nope
Rewrite Recommended?: Eenope.

Best of luck!
Golden Vision
This post was edited by its author on .

Review Reply 1295

>>1293

As you can see, I settled on a real title and I have a very spiffy synopsis now!

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/55775/Behind-The-Curtain

I'll do some soul-searching as to how to anchor the reader into the events of the audition chapter. I feel like "Okay, thank you!" and "well, she was okay" and "Well, whoever gets this role has to xxx" made it pretty clear. I also feel like I jumped to "and then the last of the candidates left, and they started talking" which worked in my mind.

That's coming too late for a bunch of readers, but I care about my work either way.

Hmm. I'm skirting talking heads syndrome, you say. I will consider this while re-reading the cast meeting scene, though with Twilight and Tavi, all they do is talk to each other and maybe emote a little.

I have a thing where sometimes I use intentionally wrong stuff to give a "narrator tells the story with flair" feel. I also have a tendency to write bizzare, wandering sentences or sentences that are structured twice as nastily as they need to be.

I work hard at trying to reduce this in my writing, and as with the rest of your review, I will keep an eye out.

Glad you overall liked it! If I might ask one last question, what's your concern when it comes to not grabbing readers fast enough?

1299

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>>1295
Hm… If you're not grabbing readers fast enough, then they leave; simple as that. A good concept, synopsis, or title can work to bring them into Chapter One, but if I don't know what's going on in its entirety by 200-500 words in, I'm going to close out of the story. Readers are a fickle lot, and keeping them entertained without making them confused is your top priority.

Rejection :Twilight's Legendary Quest for Vodka" 1302

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Hi there! Unfortunately, as you seem to have neglected to look through my OP, I must reject your story from my queue for the following reasons:

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
ex.) "…the orange farm pony did so."

2. Show, Don't Tell
ex.) "…as if trying to figure out exactly what was going on." "He visibly settled…"

3. Ridiculous Formatting
ex.) "HHRRRRRRMMMMMM…" "T-O-O-S-L-O-W."

4. Talking Heads Syndrome
ex.) "Um… Twi?" "Why me?" (No body language/scenic description)

5. Unnecessary/overly complex speaking verbs
ex.) "…affirmed vehemently…Twilight reminded Applejack…Spike interjected."

6. I. Do not. Review. Crackfics.

I suggest you look at the guides that I have posted in my OP (which you clearly didn't read), as I explicitly stated that the above violations would result in an instant rejection from my queue. I also suggest for you to go write something that is actually worth the time that a full, line-by-line, 90-minute review would take.

A good day to you, and best of luck.
-Golden Vision

Request: DemPonies 1303

Hi DemPonies. Sorry I haven't gotten to your fic yet, but I'll need a GDoc file to actually comment on if you want me to review your story. For now, consider it on hold until I receive such a link.
This post was edited by its author on .

1304

>>1299

The 170 word intro is supposed to be that quick intro. I wonder what you didn't like about that and/or Scratch's audition.

1306

>>1303

>For now, consider it on hold until I receive such a link.


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZTvEYcmDEVGBEZg9z6RxyP_uOffxWTk-zfIzm-6UMAs/edit

Here ye go.

Edit: Also, the fact that your preferred way of reviewing is via Gdoc is pretty useful information—you might want to put it in your header. I know most reviewers are like that, but I know plenty who are perfectly fine with using Fimfic.
This post was edited by its author on .

1312

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>>1304
Huh. I didn't realize that you had an intro at all. Maybe you should just include that in the GDoc/first chapter for simplicity?

>>1306
Yeah; I need to edit my OP a bit. I'll go bitch at Anonthony about it…

1314

>>1312

So, I'm not on hold then? Would be nice to get the review before the people on EQD notice any (possible) mistakes in it. That said, at this rate, that might be a while. It's now been fourteen days since I sent it to them. I'm theorizing it's stuck in the 'Pending Additional Pre-reader Opinions' part of the queue…

Eh, whatcha gonna do?

1317

>>1312

That's the throw-you-into-the-scene moment with Tavi and Twilight saying "Uh, are we *actually* casting Trixie?"

So yeah. That didn't work? Damn. I liked it.

Okay bjshnog 1326

>>1302
Hm. I did read the requirements, I just didn't think my fic was outside them. :/
Also, I RARELY use "coloured horse". Probably 4 or 5 times total in 16k words, meaning it is, in fact, NOT LUS.
BSDT. I forgot about that. I keep publishing chapters without even going over them a second time.
That "ridiculous formatting" would not get half the point across if it wasn't formatted like that, and all caps is still fairly scarce.
I agree with 4, now that I think about it.
I think you have to be kidding about 5. These are in no way "overly complicated", and they are few and far between.
The one point I must have missed was the crackfic thing. It makes sense considering the title and ultimate goal.

Well, whatever. I know it's your choice. I'm sure someone wants to help me with this. Probably not anywhere on this site, though. :(
But I really do want it to be better.
This post was edited by its author on .

Grif 1327

>>1326
The training ground is on the same page, you know.

-_- bjshnog 1328

>>1327
Dammit! I keep seeing that and my brain just keeps scrolling. Too much stuff in it, probably.

1331

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>>1326
1. If you want to do better, then you'll take my points under serious consideration instead of dismissing them out of hand. Any use of "colored horse" is in fact LUS, and the fact that you knowingly repeated it (among other things) only makes it worse.

2. You're always sure to find someone willing to help. The TG is always open, and IIRC, business has been somewhat slow lately. That said, you should have realized upon reading the OP what to expect.

3. I do offer private "tutoring" of sorts for writing, if you find it difficult to grasp any of the things that I rejected you for. Feel free to email me at [email protected], and I'll be happy to give up one of my evenings to help you with your writing.

>>1327
Hai Grif :3

1333

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>>1306
Hey DemPonies! Again, sorry for putting off your fic for so long. Unfortunately, I have some additional bad news for you, as you may have seen in a comment:

I should have rejected this fic long ago.

That's not an outright condemnation of your writing, but the fact that it contains so many of the errors that I pointed out in my OP ought to indicate something. I apologize for wasting your time, and I do feel somewhat bad for wasting that of the others in my queue when you could have just as easily clicked one of the links above and gotten your help there.

Well. Now that that's out of the way, let's begin, shall we?

—————————————————

Title: Twilight's Odyssey
Interesting title. Something that's nice is that you could potentially use it as symbolism—i.e., not literally representing a journey of Twilight Sparkle's, but instead referring to a quest done to bring about the twilight of the status quo, and of the world itself.

If it actually is just a literal fancied version of "Twilight Sparkle Goes on a Journey," though, then this is a bad title.

Synopsis:
>In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power,
Delete "Pony" before "Princesses." If you must, replace it with "Celestial".

>a young Twilight Sparkle loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion

Good

>that won't just take her further beyond the borders of Equestria than anypony before her, but will also change the fates of both the nation and her life, forever.

Change this to:

>"that will take her far beyond the borders of Equestria itself—and change the fates of both her nation and her life, forever."


—————————————————

Plot: 2/5
The plot itself was interesting enough, I suppose, along with the backdrop of Unicornia. However, you needed to do much more to make the disappearance of Luna and Celestia apparent. I saw almost nothing in this chapter that I wouldn't expect from a canon Equestria or Canterlot. Meanwhile, you had a tendency to skip along plot points without giving us a connection between them (as in Shining's departure to the Celebration Twilight's apparent scientific revelation at the end), or without developing them fully (see: Trixie's mother and her prophecies).

Characters: 1.5/5
Pretty much the only thing I actually liked in this was the little interplay between the Sparkle parents, and that was about cookie-cutter as you can get (perverse Dad + strict Mom). Meanwhile,

1. Twilight never sounded like Twilight
Presumably, she's the one narrating the story (albeit from a third-person perspective), yet not once did the writing style actually resemble her voice. What's more, she barely sounded like a kid—sorry, filly—when speaking at all. Filly Twilight, regardless of intelligence, would still have said "kinda" rather than "I suppose so." Furthermore, look at her reaction to the Summer Sun Celebration—why is she worried? Why is she conflicted? Look at Cutie Mark Chronicles—the real Twilight Sparkle wouldn't be

2. Shining Armor never sounded like Shining Armor
The same thing applies here. His vernacular wasn't just out of place for a relaxed, friendly adolescent, no matter what his maturity level. "Make haste"? Really? This is Equestria, not Skyrim. His actions never really cemented him as a character either, and that leads into problem number 3.

3. Twilight and Shining Armor never had a real dynamic.
They're brother and sister—they should have a relationship that goes beyond words, and that should be apparent in the slightest glance between their eyes. I myself attempted to capture this in my own fic, What We Leave Behind. However, in your fic, their relationship felt forced; wooden, even. Shining was merely going through the motions of being a big brother, and I never felt any warmth between them that wasn't just "Hey, the plot says I must proclaim my sidlingly love for you now, so here."

I guess there were a few other problems with characterization—I wanted to see a lot more out of Trixie's mother, even in the short period that she was onscreen—but you can't get everything you want, I suppose.

Setting: 1/5
You did fine with scenic description, and the occasional body language, but that's all I'm willing to give you. Though this would be one of the better stories on fimfiction, compared to the things that I accept, this deserves no higher than a 1/5.

First, don't exposit in narration if you can avoid it (i.e. why Twilight is at the SSC that day). Instead, Show it, whether through inner reflection, or outward dialogue action. Failing to do so makes your reader feel patronized, as if they need to be told everything up to what your protagonist had for breakfast today.

Learn to use descriptions more appropriately. Description is always vital to setting a scene, but especially toward the beginning, you had several lines that added nothing to the scene itself.

Add more depth to your body language, and just plain add more. It does us no good to know if Twilight is confused (or if Shining has "a disapproving look on his face") if we can't visualize it in terms we can understand (i.e. Showing, rather than Telling). Likewise, don't use speaking verbs like "berated"—that's lazy, and it avoids actually giving us a clear picture of events. Instead, say, "…Shining Armor said with a harsh edge to his voice, and a dark frown across his face." This problem with word choice extends all across the board—don't pick words that sound fancy just because, or ones that are just inapplicable. Really evaluate the words that you're using as you're writing them down.

Finally, don't mark dialogue with things like "asked again" or "repeated." It's redundant, annoying, and just plain sloppy.

Mechanics: 2/5
You had quite a bit of choppy and stilted writing, and there were awkward sentences and phrasing all across the board. I recognize you said you weren't a native English speaker, which is a fair enough trait, but if so, get a personal beta/editor who is, and who will happily slap you across the face if you mess up. I myself have three (mostly just RL friends).

Enjoyability: 3/5
I guess this story has the potential to be interesting, and I guess I might have kept reading if only to find out what in the hay happened to make Unicornia into Equestria, and what Twilight is going to do in the future, but the characterization and just general choppiness of the plot would almost undo it all for me. You've clearly got your work cut out for you.

Total: 9.5/25

Final Thoughts:
Seeing as I've spent the past ten minutes beating your ass, I feel like I'm obliged to remind you that with my new thread, standards have gone up. Way up. Things that would have merited a three in the past now receive ones, for the simple fact that my scales are relative, and that things that would have formerly gotten below a three are no longer allowed in my queue. If you use the system that I had on Ponychan, then this was easily a 13 or 14 out of 25. But we're not there anymore; we're here. And frankly, anything that would have been below a 10 back then is in the negatives now.

Also note that I certainly didn't mark every instance of SDT, LUS, and so on in your fic, even among the comments that I left, so you'll have to find much of that yourself.

I suggest you take a long, hard look at the resources I have posted in the OP of this thread. If you have any trouble with concepts, or just want extra help to learn about writing, feel free to email me at [email protected], as I do offer one-on-one sessions. Otherwise, just keep writing—you'll get better in no time, if you properly apply yourself.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Partially, yes, if only for style.

Best of luck,
Golden Vision

Well... bjshnog 1335

>>1331
Well, I do have to say that my use of verbs was not overly complicated; I see people using those ALL THE TIME in really good fics, even, for example, The Immortal Game (which is a little bit overrated in my opinion) and Fallout: Equestria especially.
I accept that I should cut down on my formatting quite a bit. Way too much bold, italic, etc. seemingly almost randomly at this point due to the density.
LUS is not a problem if only used once every 3000-4000 words or so. This is yet another thing I see in my very favourite fics, such as FoE, etc. It is only called LUS if and only if it is used to replace a half or third of the instances of the character's names or pronouns. It gets really boring and tedious if it just says "Twilight", "she" and "he" all the time without variation. I have read from multiple sources that this is true. In this case, I will assume that your rejection based on that is purely personal preference.
Anyway, I would agree about 75% with what you said.

I hope you don't dismiss this out of hand as dismissing your preceding reply out of hand like you did my previous reply. I took all of your points under serious consideration except the last one (because that felt like one of the silliest things to say). Maybe you didn't notice what I did agree with. Maybe you didn't really care. Either way, I don't think you understood fully what I meant. I also hope I'm not frustrating you with these replies, because if I was, then that would directly imply that you are ignoring me or simply not understanding.

EDIT: One thing I forgot to mention implicitly: I FULLY agree with #2 and #4 (SDT and THS), and I would like a few pointers if you're happy to oblige. Oh, and when I said "last one", I meant about the speaking verbs.
This post was edited by its author on .

1336

File: 1353550388462.gif (72.84 KB, 323x272, 5421.gif)

>>1335
Eh, you're fine :) No insults or anything traded like that, so no harm done. My offer of one-on-one "tutoring" is still open, so if you want to take me up on it (and have looked at the guides, and really don't have any clue), then feel free to shoot me an email.

1337

>>1335

Without even knowing what's going on with you, I have some advice.

First off, if this is what I think it is, then it is a borderline trollfic and I have no idea why you want to preen it.

Regarding LUS: A lot of people say you only get to use it once, ever. Sure it's un-intrusive when only thrown once in a great while, but that doesn't mean should actually do it. Referring to a character as "the [epithet]" often doesn't work for one reason or another, especially in such generic terms.

The only excuse you have for doing this is if 1) the reader doesn't know what the subject looks like or 2) the epithet is relevant to what's going on i.e. referring to Twilight as "the librarian" from the point of view of a character who's interacting with Twilight in her librarian-ly capacity.

Regarding Show Don't Tell: People give this advice too draconically, but after having GV review my own work a couple times I can say with confidence that he is not one of those people.

A common place for people to point out "show don't tell" is describing what characters are doing. If you just say that, say, Fluttershy was walking timidly, you could slash the word 'timidly' and describe her posture or whatever. It's a technique that gets you used to writing nice descriptions.

Another case of SDT, and one that's probably the case if someone's denouncing you for it as badly as GV is now, is whole sections where your narrative comes off as retelling a story as opposed to "playing it out." I JUST slashed a solid couple of paragraphs from something I'm writing now because I decided that just saying that it happened wasn't good enough, and the thing deserved to be a scene.

In short, if someone complains about you for SDT (and you are confident that they know wtf they're talking about) they usually mean you should replace simple things with nice description. It's not always necessary, but you should keep an eye out for where sensory details or a highly specific description would be good.

As for talking heads, I'm bad about that myself. Just pay attention to lines that really matter and make sure you're treating the emotion or whatever with enough weight. Just a line of dialogue without dialogue tags or anything is no good if that line is supposed to deliver something important. You can get away with un-tagged lines for effect, but make sure you never have an important emotion or action in a line that's only in your head and not being properly described.

1338

>>1336
One thing I'm not actually certain about: Show, Don't Tell.
Does it mean describing the scene without a good enough set of dialogue (or monologue) to accompany it?

1339

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>>1337
Thanks, Tactical. I feel appreciated
>pic

>>1338
Any of the guides in the OP, but especially Escher's Hints, have good sections on SDT. Like I said, check them out—they might help you immensely.

Edit: Fixed Ezn's Guide to Escher's Hints. Apparently, I forgot to include Ezn's Guide in the OP 6_9
This post was edited by its author on .

1340

>>1337 (nice, lol)

I rewrote the Prologue almost completely; no absolutely retarded events happen in it anymore.

Re LUS: So, you mean for relevant things like this, for example?
–—
Twilight shifted uncomfortably. "Are you sure, Applejack? That looks like a lot of work."

"Don't worry about me; I do this all the time!" the farm pony stated with confidence.
–—
Okay, it didn't have "orange", but it still wasn't her name or a pronoun. I will definitely check my story over again.
Also, a grammar bit that wasn't covered in any of the guides I've read:
Should the "the" after the quote be capitalised, because of the exclamation mark's position, or left like this? I assume the latter.

1341

>>1340
LUS applies any time the pronoun in question doesn't lend to the scene itself.

Twilight frowned at the pair.

"C'monm, Spike!" Pinkie said, bouncing on the trampoline.

"Ahem," the librarian coughed.

I mean, I wouldn't actually do this, but it's technically permissible here (though honestly, you should almost never do it anyway).

Any other questions, please take to email. Thanks.

1343

>>1341
Or for scenes like this?

Nightmare Moon stood tall, casting a thick shadow over the cowering ponies. "Give me all of your candy, you insignificant peasants!" bellowed the mighty Goddess.

"Please don't hurt me," a tiny yellow form whimpered in fear.

Whoops, missed the e-mail bit.
This post was edited by its author on .

1351

>>1333

Well, like you said, it seems I have my work cut out for me. I appreciate that you took the time, it's been a while since I had this kind of review.

Thank you for tearing it a new one :)

Review Request. 1373

>>906

>consider all length requirements to be effectively lifted.


Oh no! Oh no, oh no, oh no! You don't ever want to say this within hearing distance of me!

Quick! Run before-

Title: The Final Season: Episode 1, "Knightfall"

Author: Writer's Block

Tags: Adventure, Slice-of-Life

Word Count: 64, 626

Synopsis: Sometimes, the past is best left buried. However, it can also be dug up by the most unexpected means.

With dire consequences. Fates will be determined and an unknown past revealed, all as Twilight Sparkle searches for the answer to her one true question: Who is Knight?

Link(all ten chapters): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rwe6NgymK6bYNQB1Pb9rVOJpHfD2YZ0izNH0aXla1X4/edit



Too late.
This post was edited by its author on .

1375

>>1373

o_O dat length…

Oh, on that note, G to the Vizzle, mine ended up around 14,300.

twillale 1379

>>652

Well met.

Do you also review incomplete fics?

1382

>>1379
But of course!

twillale 1383

>>1382

Excellent!

Now, while this in my personal opinion is markedly less than stellar literature, I'm still highly interested in getting better, so… Here are my guts, splayed for all the world to see.

Title: Under Free Flag
Tags: Sci-fi, HiE, Adventure
Word count: 40 447 (at the time of posting)
Status: Incomplete
tl;dr synopsis: Human spaceship on the run lands in Equestria.

Link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/59412/Under-Free-Flag

Alt. link:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=14WngUldikL84rTq4-A4tZXxKE4YIHrJkMmpU_h35d0w

FimFiction teaser text:
The Second Age of Sail, I often hear this era called. Personally, I think the very definition of irony should be that we would have to develop spaceflight, nuclear fusion and ways to reach worlds beyond our own just to circle back to using wind-powered vessels. Not that I care how this old bird gets from port to port, the important thing is that the drinks are cheap and the work is good—in that specific order.

I'm a free mariner. My domain is wherever the wind blows, and my sovereign is none. If you can respect those rules… welcome aboard.

Casca!blANCA/Sq2 1391

File: 1353688839035.png (119.91 KB, 488x280, confetti.png)

And then GV is has flood of werds werds werds.

Title: Ice & Fire
Author: Casca
Wordcount: 11k + 11k
Synopsis:
Cross is on a mission: to find the Ultima, and to end the war between the Frigidoric Kingdom and the igniter tribes.

Alicia is an ordinary but wishful schoolgirl, who yearns for fantasy and adventure to sweep her off her feet.

When the two cross paths, things take a turn for the unexpected.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ey-VqnykmJyCYtrCD9PcMRY1dFhMV9au_NdGmo_kIkw/edit

Notes:
1) This is an original work.
2) Garnot and Azu are also perusing it, although they have their own fresh copies. Forgive my pretentiousness, but I want to get a spectrum of opinions. It's you three and two RL friends, if you're curious.
3) Comments are enabled and certainly welcome, although hopefully not necessary. Don't feel pressured to have them is what I'm saying.
4) Please, make this low priority, so that it doesn't loom over your head or force you to rush or anything. This isn't going anywhere for a while; do take your time. The reason for the wordcount section being different is because part of what I'm looking for is whether it's interesting enough for you to click the link to part II.
5) Essentially, I hope you enjoy it. If original works aren't your thing, it's all right. I understand. =)

Also, fight on, good soldier. *salute*

1394

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>>1373
>>1383
>>1391

Oh…oh god D:

Note that I will review them; however, look at the recent addendum to my OP to see how, specifically

1399

File: 1353694264042.jpg (609.69 KB, 1400x1700, Unmarked Cover Art Final.jpg)

Howdy! I know you've probably got a huge review backlog, but I'm a patient man.

Title: Unmarked
Author: Croswynd
Wordcount: 150,890 words (as of now)
Synopsis: (5-Star on Equestria Daily!) Purpose. In Equestria, where purpose is defined by the mark on your flank, it is often taken for granted. Yet Novell has grown to adulthood without a single explanation of where he fits in. It’s not until a chance meeting with a particular Professor that he gets the opportunity to explore the world and find out exactly where he belongs. Of course, adventuring has a host of its own problems, as this blank flank is about to find out!

Link: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/story-unmarked.html

Alt Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5108/Unmarked

I'm already on EqD, but I'm quite confident there's improvements to be made for the big day when I finish and receive my last hurrah post on the front page. I want to make sure I can draw in all the people who prefer finished stories rather than follow chapter-by-chapter. So any help you could provide would be invaluable. There's only one chapter left to be posted, so consider the word count to be upwards of 165k+. I hope you aren't… intimidated by the word count. >_> Also, you said there's no word limit, so… yeah, thanks for reading. If you need anymore information or anything, just let me know and I can provide it. I'm a little new to all of this stuff.

1402

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>>1399
>150k
>mfw

soundslikeponies!bQsJPGMNfw 1404

File: 1353696651012.png (105.38 KB, 440x599, 134376697178.png)

Hey, GV!

Title: Flying High, Falling Hard
Author: Soundslikeponies
Wordcount: 63,300 (~80,000 with all chapters posted)
Synopsis: When Rainbow Dash crashes into the library one too many times, Twilight ends up becoming her coach for the upcoming Best Young Flier Competition. But Rainbow Dash wants more, and relationships are never as perfect as they seem.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3391/Flying-High%2C-Falling-Hard

I'm currently rewriting this fic, and I'd like to hear your thoughts on the rewritten version! I know you have over 300,000 words in your queue right now, but I figured, "hey, what's another 80,000, right?"

I'll be eagerly looking forward to your review!







Yes I'm just joking.
This post was edited by its author on .

1405

File: 1353697088159.jpeg (118.1 KB, 640x480, Writer_Melancholic.jpeg)

Total wordcount in queue: 302,663

I extend my condolences.

Oh dear. 1406

>>1383
>>1391
>>1399
>>1404

Um, sorry about that. It seems I yanked the lid from Pandora's Box and unleashed all the demons therein upon you.

I-I tried to warn you; I really did. In my defense, I didn't think there'd be so many of us word-beasts. Or that there'd be such bigger ones, either.

May God have mercy on your soul.
This post was edited by its author on .

1407

>>1402

If it's any consolation, everyone who's read it has said it's a breeze to read through. ^^;

1408

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>>1383
>>1399
I'm gonna need a collection of GDocs chapters from you guys (comments enabled) before I'll be able to review your fics.

1409

>>1408
All of the GDocs are available through the EqD link. Comments are enabled.

1415

File: 1353723998749.jpg (22.96 KB, 346x318, kittenandgun.jpg)

Okay, G, no bullshit, I just got this in my FIMFic PM box:

–––––––––––
You.

Yes, you. Army Guy

You haven't updated in over a week.

Update now, or the kitty gets it.

Can't wait to read the next chapter!

–––––––––—

Uh, yeah…

Any idea when you'll get back to it? I don't think Mr. Fluffykins has much longer…

1416

>>1415
Tomorrow morning, I swear D:

Review: The Horse Whisperer 1417

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>>779

Hey, Grif! Took me long enough, I guess. Let's get into this, shall we?

———————————

Title: The Horse Whisperer
I like it. It's kinda both creative and clichéd at the same time, if that makes sense.

Synopsis:
>An accident leaves Lyra with the ability to see beyond the veil of the dead. How would our carefree unicorn handle her newfound abilities?

Okay, you broke Rule Number 1: No rhetorical questions in synopses. Secondly, it's far too short, and doesn't really get to the actual plot of the fic. Let me suggest something for you:

>When a bolt of lightning strikes Lyra and sends her to the hospital, she's surprised at what she sees when she awakes. Lyra Heartstrings, musician, fillyfriend, and hopeless layabout has suddenly been gifted with the power to see the dead, and even worse, they won't leave her alone. As her relationship with Bon Bon becomes strained, and each phantom becomes a more oppressive force in her life, Lyra is forced to find what's keeping them here—and how to get them to the next life.


This is better because it sets out the characters of the story (Bon Bon, Lyra, and the ghosts), the major conflicts of the book (their relationship, and the inability of the ghosts to leave, and their own bad influence on Lyra's life), and a general tone for the overall piece.

————————————————

Plot 2/5
The overall concept seems fine, but the plot itself needs quite a bit of work. To start, I found quite a bit of small "plotholes" that could negatively effect the story, which are listed below:

1.) There didn't seem to be any conflict over Lyra knowing Peach's name—IIRC, she never even asked! If you wanted to make it some kind of goal with obstacles, why not have him suggest it to her as a test, and have her run into several failures before finding it, which gives him some respect for her?

2.) When Peach first tells Lyra of his inability to leave, and the reasons why, Lyra offers to help. Help with what, though? There's nothing obvious to do—unless you meant, "find a way for him to leave the mortal plane," which should have been explicitly stated if that was the case.

3.) When they're first entering the house, and Bon Bon's angry at "Mr. Pervy Ghost," wouldn't it have been obvious why there was nopony there? He's a ghost—he can disappear if he wants, and presumably has been able to do so for years (if his tales of spying on the two can be believed). So why does Bon Bon suddenly turn on Lyra over a believable problem? If he thinks there might be trouble, he's hardly going to be present, is he?

4.) Why doesn't Twilight like ponies in the library, and why does Spike so easily go against her wishes? You'd think she would LOVE to have more ponies who like learning in there, reading books and gaining knowledge.

5.) …How in the hell did Bon not comment on Lyra's reading material when she confronted her over their Anniversary? I'd be a bit more concerned about my SO being taken with Satanic ritual and occult spells than about her momentary mental fuzziness.

6.) Telling Sunny that she was from Ponyville should by no means be enough—have her father slip one thing in passing, or have Lyra put two and two together to get something a little more impressive about her home life (that her dad died when she was six?) instead.

7.) Not really a "plot hole" but salt isn't a drink. A salt lick is a deposit of mineral salts that animals use to supplement their nutrition, so it'd be more of a liquor-y type of cocaine than anything.

Finally, we do need that intermission scene (as Pasco remarked earlier), as that one scene change—you know what I'm talking about—is far too abrupt. Furthermore, you could have definitely done much more to set up the overall plot. Once you got to the end, it seemed like everything was happening at once—the preceding 50% seemed to have been a complete waste of time, as nothing of import had happened whatsoever. The beginning was basically just Slice of Life, taken up to eleven, save for the possible title "Ghosts and their Wacky Shenanigans" (which is hardly a story). You need to put more subtleties and development into the ideas of ghosts, and a history that is lying beneath their noses, just waiting to be discovered. Maybe Lyra discovers a secret room in the house before she even finds out Peach's name?

Characters 2/5
First off, Lyra and Bon Bons' relation seemed far too animesque; I failed to glean any real emotion from it. It seemed like a collection of cheap romantic buzzwords, and the occasional Tsundere moment. Their relationship, especially toward the end (as you set up a conflict and then never really developed it or showed what happened as a result) needed a lot more focus.

Lyra herself didn't have the most distinctive diction (in fact, aside from the Drama Trio and the Spa Sisters, nopony really did). The ghosts themselves, up until the halfway point, were pretty much all just cheesy and cardboard-y. Overall, they didn't have much depth, or any real point at all.

Setting 2/5
First off: you had an overdose of SDT. Nothing absolutely terrible, but enough to be noticeable. This was especially apparent when you were either informing us of the tone of somepony's voice, or their expression or features. You shouldn't Tell us this directly; instead, you should imply it through body language or dialogue. This is also seen in the problem of exposition—you should almost never directly exposit information to the readers, and you made a more than liberal use of it. Insteag, again, imply that through events or dialogue. One bit of exposition—Lyra's unemployment—can be exposited through her looking at the Employment section of the newspaper, or promising Bon Bon that she's going out to apply at the Music Store again for a job.

Then, some little things. Keep the PoV consistent—in this case, 3rd person limited (only Lyra's thoughts or perceptions). Don't abuse LUS, even when applicable (there are only so many times I can take "librarian" or "mare friend," even when it's technically appropriate). Don't use so many adverbs as well—"irritatedly" loses its strength when you use it instead of implying with body language.

Mechanics 1/5
Let's just make a short little list:
—Small problems: Missing connecting words (had/to)
—Occasional spelling mistakes
—Choppy sentences (one of your worst problems)
—Sentence Fragments (another bad one)
—Awkward wording
—Missing contractions (I instead of I've; I'd)
—Incomplete colloquialisms ("shrank" v. "shrank back")
—Occasional tense issues

Enjoyability: 2/5
Again, I like the concept. I think it could be good. But your execution doesn't do it much justice at all. You're going to need more, better developed scenes that add onto your plot and increase your characterization. I left this fic feeling somewhat cheated, as though the entire plot had been a non sequitur, and the characters cardboard cutouts that could have been any given pair of ponies—there was very little to make them feel unique. That's a definite problem, amongst your several others, that you're going to have to work against if you want to make this story good.

Total: 9/25

———————————

Final Thoughts:
Okay; let's clear something up. By now means was this a bad fic. It certainly wasn't terrible either. Yet it was certainly a mediocre one. I know that you can put a lot more work and thought into this, and believe me when I say that I'm interested in seeing the finished product once you have. But until then, you'll have quite a bit of obstacles to get across, so get join'.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: More like "more development requested."

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
This post was edited by its author on .

Grif 1429

File: 1353734548907.png (149.27 KB, 600x700, Lyra-tired.png)

>>1417
Acknowledged. Proper reply when I digested the review.

Have a Lyra in the meantime.

Anon13 1440

Would you review a community fic?

We've got a fic which 6 authors wrote one "chapter" at a time. It's already had one strike from EqD, and one partial look-over from the Training Grounds (and the subsequent edits), so we mainly want to see if it holds together.

Once you get through the encyclopedia you've already got, of course… :/

EDIT: Oops, forgot… total word count just over 20k
This post was edited by its author on .

1449

>>1440
I'll accept any fic, so long as it meets my requirements, and the author(s) is/are willing to actually revise it according to my criticisms.

Review: "Under A Luminous Sky, Ch. 14" 1452

File: 1353775077482.jpg (47.48 KB, 500x562, HLxAMSt_wk-IRcjRf1n_TQ2.jpg)

>>1003
Hey Jake! Allons-y!

——————————————

Characters: 5/5
Fuck you, you well-writing bitch.

Plot: 4/5
A few odd things that you needed to reword. Otherwise, pretty good.

Setting: 5/5
See Characters

Mechanics: 5/5
Continue fucking yourself, bitch.

Enjoyability: 5/5
^^

Total: 24/25

——————————————

Final Thoughts:
>pic

-GV

1455

>>1452

>pic related.


In the most heterosexual way possible, of course.


Also, wanna hear something hilarious? So I post the story to FIMFic, then leave to go watch the new episode. I come back, and according to Garnot's comment on my blogpost, in that 22 minutes, I made the featured box, then got kicked off. I finally achieve my goal of so long, only to miss witnessing it by twenty minutes.

God, I'm awesome. :P

1456

File: 1353788080223.gif (145.96 KB, 288x199, snuggle.gif)

>>1455

>related pic from above comment. Derp.

Story Review Request 1550

File: 1353987096301.jpg (102.17 KB, 500x372, tumblr_m2rxl0ADGW1rnl2pl.jpg)

Title: Amara Nocte
Tags: Dark, Sci-fi, Alternate Universe, Adventure
Synopsis:Generations after the Elements of Harmony rose to power, Nightmare Moon returned, and the night is harsher than ever. The Elements, trapped for eternity protecting the ponies they care for, power the protective shields of light over all the remaining towns and cities… but they cannot last forever. The shields are failing, and Nightmare Moon, ruler of the night outside the freezing cities across Equestria, endangers everyone with her subversive corruption. Stone Wall, a mare with dreams of another group of very special ponies, is tasked with uniting the last remaining strongholds of light and life. On the way, she learns dark secrets of the light she'd worshiped since she was a filly, and of the Regent herself, and she wonders… Can one simple pony ever hope to bring light to a world of such potent shadow? Or has she been doomed to failure from the start? (Synopsis written by Silvertongue, my homeboy.)
Word Count: 2001
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U2GKG08jhWpI7r0-S8A8HZFvRP5uhfUXg2N7EtZ_C2Q/edit
Comments: Sup GV? After long consideration, we decided that I'd make this new thing and we pretty much just abandoned the other thing we sent in because Higgy's got college. So I tried my hand at solo work. It's pretty bad, so I want you to help me kick it into something readable, please. Thanks and enjoy.

Dr. Princess King Ninja Kaiser Pirate Tangus von Nohugh M.D. D.D.S. O.C.S.

Community Fic Review Request Anon13 1603

>>1449
OK, You Asked For It… :)

Title: Boredom is Contagious
Author: Anon13 (moi), Tumbleweed, RK_Striker_JK_5, Paleo Prints, Lurks-No-More, Cloud Wander
Tags: Comedy, Random, Mane 6, Spike, CMCs, Dr. Whooves, Ditzy Doo, OCs
Synopsis: "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are bored. This sentence alone would normally herald despair. The fact that the Stable for Disease Control happened to temporarily store an infectious pathogen collection in Ponyville can only add to the ensuing chaos.

Also, Pinkie Pie may or may not turn into a zeppelin later. Time travel will be kept to a minimum."

Notes: Community fic done one chapter at a time on the RPG.net forum. Aside from me, the other authors are experienced ponyfic authors… 4 of them have 5- or 6-star (EqD) fics to their names.
Ran this by EqD way too early, he liked the concept but flagged me for, well, everything. Ran it by Training Grounds, it was partially reviewed (then "something came up"). Appropriately edited each time.

EDIT: Hey, it would probably be a lot easier if you had a link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g0ned6ip8oKJYwmmPzyBq7NrcstatPV0tXg7lAfzW-c/edit (Comment-enabled Google doc)
This post was edited by its author on .

Umbra!S7TySB6rOM 1614

Took you long enough to start reviewing again, you bastard.

Just kidding. Great to have you back!

1616

File: 1354130496773.gif (1015.96 KB, 500x281, Srqoj0vdpUCFcZqjJmsYTg2.gif)

>>1603
Done and done.

Howver, before I accept you fully into the queue, I'd just like to make sure that your story isn't a crackfic; i.e. it isn't just an implausible bunch of nonsense heaped under the [Random] tag. I'm normally not suspicious, but phrases like "Pinkie Pie may or may not turn into a zeppelin" do make my alarm bells go off, so if you could reassure me otherwise, that would be greatly appreciated.

>>1614
:D

1618

Wow.

Uh, okay. Here it is. The final chapter. Almost a year in the making.

You know what? I'm gonna keep my comments to myself for a bit.

Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark
Word count: 8,000
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16KtcTnEi70U2li3mpxdFlq82Lr1KLAp7W0536T6CmWY/edit

Once more, not QUITE done, but it will be by the time you get to it, what with your two-month queue wait times. :P

Also, a humble request. Seeing as how I'm gearing up for my big EqD complete post, could you also look at my synopsis again?
This post was edited by its author on .

Anon13 1625

>>1616

Well, the "Random" tag is probably unnecessary—it's mainly there because of its patchwork nature. Then again I specified from the beginning that this was to at least approximate a "Normal" fic.

You can see we have everypony in it except the princesses, and we all tried to hew close to the show.

1655

File: 1354268042128.png (816.19 KB, 1000x846, speclow.png)

Well GV, I've dropped The Sixth Age off in your box.

After all this time, I'm ready to give this story the treatment it deserves. Having it featured by Seattle's Angels made me want to write it for the pleasure of the viewers it was likely to get from such an accolade, and wanting to write it made me want to go backwards through it and edit it up to my current standards.

I'm pretty sure you were the first one ever to review it.

I figure it's only appropriate that you see it again at this stage of its life.

GeodesicDragon 1949

I've been seeking the services of as many pre-readers as I can in order to get this on EQD. Ukai and Meek (from Ponychan) have both pointed out a load of errors, which I have fixed.

The FOURTH DRAFT of the story is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PK6lbiXRpr2DyAWPIRwAg75KVukXXuH54Rw_vkaTBCU/edit

The more people I have pre-reading this, the more chances I have of spotting all the mistakes.

If you could read mine again, that would be very much appreciated.

GeodesicDragon 1957

1959

File: 1354735297652.png (330.06 KB, 960x786, 70's pinkamena.png)

>>1949
Hi, Geo. It's understandable to want to get as much help as possible, but it's somewhat frowned upon to submit your story to five queues at once! It would also be appreciated if you would alert everypony you're requesting help from that you've sent it to the others. Like so:

>Hey there, GV. This story has also been submitted to Meek, SLP/Garnot, Nicholas, and Ukai.


I hope you enjoy your stay, but do take a moment and peruse the rules and guidelines, to make everypony's live a little easier. Help us help you, no?

1965

File: 1354741753662.jpeg (81.38 KB, 500x281, tumblr_lmtyhwxGBz1qkm3xxo1_500…)

Aid Package is here! 1992

File: 1354773506539.gif (1.93 MB, 245x187, .. (10).gif)

Greetings to you all, users of /fic/ and seekers of aid in the field of writing. Some of you know who I am, some of you do not. But that's okay, because today, I'm here to let everyone know that Golden vision and I have talked, and we have come to a singular conclusion that most of you have likely come to realize

Golden Vision is SWAMPED with work.

So, in order to give GV a much needed hand (and the fact that I like to help you all out however I can), I've offered to aid Golden Vision with his review Queue.

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to start taking stories from his queue and doing review for each one (which I'll post here as well).

This should liven GV's load considerably.


what does this mean? Simple:

1. I, alongside GV, will be tending to stories posted on the queue, increasing the speed with which they are given their proper reviews.

2. Depending on story size, reviews should come at a rate of anywhere between one or two a week, more is the story is relatively short. This should prove to be a far faster pace than GV can accomplish on his own.

3.Multi-chapter stories will have their first chapters reviewed, and depending on how well they perform, either be resumed one review down the line, or be delegated to GV for further notes.


And, that's it really. I start this little venture tomorrow.

for those wondering, my own queue will remain closed for the time being, as I'll be working with GV to help him out with his own workload.

I will get to some stories very soon, so have patience on my end
This post was edited by its author on .

1993

File: 1354774497759.gif (444.79 KB, 480x360, tumblr_mb1b1mQvFt1rtgsqqo1_500…)

2002

File: 1354791978616.png (266.94 KB, 900x1286, fluffy.png)

>>1992
Fluffy Twilight approves of this course of events.

Um, but could I humbly request that GV looks at my story? NO OFFENSE, Ed! I know you know what you're doing, you've helped me in the past.

It's just that this is the final chapter of my story, and GV has been working with me since the very beginning. So, obviously, I highly value his input on this one. Also, to me, this is kind of my, "Take the marble from my hand, and you will be ready" moment. G-Vizzle has taught me so much about writing, and this is like the culmination, where we finally see if I can tell a full story.

So, yeah, that cool?
This post was edited by its author on .

Requesting Alteration of my Submission 2008

Hey, when either you or Garnot get around to looking at my fic, would you mind replacing the current synopsis with this one?

As every end must have a beginning, so too shall the sensation that sparked a movement find its last days upon it. This is the beginning of that end. Twilight Sparkle has faced many foes both pure evil and mildly irritating. Her magic, the power of her friendship, has prevailed over countless obstacles and saved Equestria time and again.

However, now a new challenge shall arise to test her, which shall bring with it questions Twilight has never before faced. Choices shall be made, actions irrevocably taken, and a beloved phenomenon shall find itself in a danger the likes of which it has never before seen.

The light cannot last forever, and so you must hope to survive Knightfall.


I’m much less fond of my current one, and I think this would do the job better. If my old one is fine (which I doubt) I’ll keep it, but I think this one captures what I’m trying to do much better.

Thanks for your time.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 2013

>>1992

Scumbag Tactical:



Has Garnot helping to get to his review faster

First thing he does is make a Scumbag Tactical joke

2015

File: 1354815856919.png (108.48 KB, 400x396, 782.png)

>>1993
Heh, you're too kind my friend.

>>2002
Jake, why of course I do not mind, and rather expected it to be fair. You and GV have worked on this story for such a long time, that for the first time ever I feel as if there is little of value I can actually input that isn't a nitpick or plot alteration suggestion. Again, you've done well you magnificent Cabron

>>2008
Done and Done. I also notice you're next in the queue, that means I get to start soon as I end this post.

Let's see what kind of tale you've weaved for us here.

>>2013
Good Guy Ed:

Offers to Help GV.

Finds Tactical Scumbag joke hilarious.
This post was edited by its author on .

GeodesicDragon 2022

>>1959

Thanks for that. I really do appreciate the help I am getting, don't get me wrong. Its just that I've put a lot of time into this, and I'd really like to get on EQD.

Off the top of my head, the following people have given their input on my story:

* Meek (from Ponychan)
* Nicholas (from Ponychan)
* Ukai (from Ponychan)
* glove (from FIMFiction and Skype)

There are others, but they've been commenting as Anonymous. Apologies if I forgot anyone.

The seventh draft is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15GAR-4TuShaab8eiWDyXDTGxbNNW6AB1kUwUoFV67wA/edit

The sixth draft had a few comma issues, which have been fixed. This is hopefully the final draft, and the one I send to EQD.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 2053

>>2015

Yeah, see, that started as a Good Guy Garnot joke in my head, and eventually my thought process came around to what you see here. Fuck I'm just so meta it's crazy. I must be a postmodernist or some shit.

Funny thing, The Sixth Age started with the original project that it broke my heart to abandon, and then after Seattle's Angels motivated me to continue it, it became my only long-runner that's actually moving.

And now I'm being tempted to write Friendship: The Gathering, which would become yet another probably stagnant long-runner…

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 2226

Hey, I would also like to request that G-vizzle read my nonsense rather than Garnot for a few reasons.

Mainly, because I'm in the process of getting a very good review that's looking like it will take a very long time. If Garnot is here to burn the queue, he ought to skip over me lest he get to me when I'm not ready for him yet.

Also because GV was maybe the first to ever give 6A a review, so it's appropriate that he see it again.

2235

>>2226
Except I think GV is dead…

2236

File: 1355070271943.gif (107.76 KB, 500x161, mlfw8748-oie_812377cBUaEsg.gif)

2237

File: 1355071672266.png (395.64 KB, 1280x721, poker face.png)

>>2236
Oh… well, this is awkward…

2257

File: 1355094573636.png (765.01 KB, 1200x871, NNMMST3K.png)

>>2236

………………………
………………………
………………………
………………………
..*cough*reviews*cough*….
………………………
………………………
………………………

2258

>>2257
…Is that Nightmare Moon with the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000?

2261

>>2258
Yes… yes, it is.


And GV, I'm just playing with you, dude. I know you don't shirk your duties, only postponing for IRL stuff. Take your time, bro. :)

2283

File: 1355188043068.jpg (72.01 KB, 500x644, my-little-pony-friendship-is-m…)

Hi guys. I just want to apologize up front for what I'm about to tell you.

Some of you might have noticed that my work's been piling up. I've got over 300k words in my queue alone, some of which have been sitting there for over two weeks, if not twice that. In the meantime, I've started up the Weekly Writer's Workshop, and offered to help Anonthony with organizing the /fic/ Community Workshop, two events which are taking up a lot of my time here. In the meantime, between schoolwork, drums practice, APs, college applications, and TF2 Highlander, I've barely found enough time for my own writing, let alone anyone else's.

Basically, I've been forced to confront the choice that's been stalking me for the past three months: my reviews, my projects, or my writing.

And so it is with great regret that I must announce that I will no longer review fanfiction on /fic/, or at least not publicly, and certainly not regularly. Though Garnot has been absolutely wonderful, and is welcome to continue slogging through my overstuffed queue if he so desires, I am afraid that I will have to drop the rest of you, as I simply do not have the time, and you can find a reviewer much better than me, I am sure.

Certain authors, of course, who I have had the most contact with while on this board, are welcome to solicit me for private reviews, as well as anyone who feels their writing is good enough to merit it. Otherwise, I'll be turning my attention to more high-end and intensive projects, most especially W^3 which I would like to, in layman's terms, make A Thing That Is Happening.

If you have any questions, thoughts, or complaints, you have my email ([email protected]). Note, by the way, that I shan't be leaving the board; only my reviewing presence shall disappear, for the moment at least.

Once again, you all have my utmost apologies. I am sorry for my terrible irresponsibility.
-GV

Tactical 2284

Your decision is completely understandable.

I'm glad you're commited to making the w3 into A Thing, though! That's a very noble and very fun idea.

2285

File: 1355192141764.jpg (77.47 KB, 400x225, this_thread_was_a_good_one.jpg)

2286

File: 1355192470740.png (28.31 KB, 200x200, Please+disregard+the+pony+and+…)

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 2289

File: 1355213748272.png (168.47 KB, 1000x1000, 132672748496s.png)

>>2283
Heh, shoulda figured. You'll be back, but until then: Best of luck to you.
This post was edited by its author on .

2291

File: 1355267602280.png (765.19 KB, 1053x839, ....png)

>>2283
GV, your choice was, expected. You're doing so much in such a short time.

I provided my assistance to aid you with your queue, therefore aiding you with your workload as a whole.

Now that you've decided to put it on hold, I feel as if my work is no longer needed. Nevertheless, I'll finish what I started.

I'll go ahead and take care of three entries that not only attracted my attention as a whole, but are also ones that I've already started, or are part of my own queue. They are as follows:

Writer's block Knightfall (I'm doing yours as we speak. Sorry if I'm being a tad sluggish. Work and all that jazz)

Casca's Ice and Fire (I'll be providing whatever aid I can, since I've technically given this a review already)

and

Crosswynd's unmarked (you are next on the list, and I'll get to you soon).

Tactical, Jake, I know you guys said you wanted GV to look it over, but if you wish it, I wouldn't mind giving yours a look over in preparation to GV's look over.

As for the rest of you, you'll be kept in a stand-by list, for now at least. You are welcome to send it over to me once I open up shop (after the holidays) or GV re-opens his thread.

GV, I'll be in contact with you.

Until then, you've all been wonderful, and best of luck. It's been a pleasure.

2293

>>2291
Sure! A new set of eyes never hurt anything! ^_^

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 2318

>>2291

As I said, the main reason is because I wanted my review put on hold.

Another minor concern is that, frankly, I'm worried that just this one review alone will be enough to put this fic in revision hell for a while. We'll see.

2325

>>2318
Mm.

I'll probably get to your fic this weekend, actually. Would you be okay if I used it for this week's W^3 fic review? :3

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 2336

I would love it if you did.

Be advised that it's choked with comments left by someone who's very observant and who really likes the way his words look on the screen. That review isn't going to be finished anytime soon, either.

Maybe copypaste 6A into a new google doc when it's time for you to live review it?

twillale 2339

>>2283

We never have enough time to do All The Things, do we? ;)

Best of luck in your endeavours, GV, and thank you for all the work you've done!


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