You should all be ashamed. Just as not every person who can string two words together can write a story, so too can not every fiction writer write poetry. I told GV I wasn't interested in this contest, but then I saw the voting was open and I do so like voting, so now you have to deal with my extremely disgruntled views on all your awful poetry.
Because most of it was awful, let me just get that out of the way.
The point of meter and rhyme is to impose a structure through which an idea can then be interpreted. If you're not going to follow your own rules, why even bother having them in the first place? Anyway, that's probably why I hated your poem unless you're one of the two or three actual poets lurking in this crop of crap.
Hopefully I have gotten you riled up so that you won't be surprised by my comments. I have not been kind in the least. Here we go.Twilight's Tale
Oh, so you just decided to rewrite the entire show as a limerick? Droll. While I'm amused at your two-line summary of season two, this is quite dull as rehashes go, and your meter breaks down toward the end, to say nothing of your grammar. "Helps friend indeed"? Come on. 4/10, could be worse.Her
Brave. The third line is where this falls down, however (well, aside from being about nothing in particular). For starters, I read that as "a drop of water coming from the eye", which rhymes with "fear". On reflection, that's actually not a bad thing; AABA rhyme in an 8 syllable poem spices things up a bit. But now I don't know how I'm supposed to read it at all. If read the first way, non-rhyming, then this pony (I'm going to assume it's Fluttershy) is crying blood. That's emo and dumb. If read it to rhyme, as I feel may have been the intent, it could mean all kinds of things. Is she perhaps wearing a red dress that has been torn? Is it blood again, suggesting the "soft stare" is because her eyes no longer see? Did you kill Fluttershy, you monster
? Or am I supposed to focus on the final line and read that as something rather crass? I have no idea. More thought needs to be given to that third line, as the poem obviously hangs on it. 5/10, nice try.Darkness of the Soul
Nice title, real deep. Darkness, check. Soul, check. Bloody rose, check. Poem about dying, check. Single mention of "hoof" to make it ostensibly ponies, check. "Thornéd", we got a winner. 2/10, cheer up, emo kid.Eclipse
Watch out, we're dealing with an iambic tetrameter badass here! Okay, the first line works, sounds like a ballad or something, I can deal, but oh, wait! Wait, what's this? There are only seven syllables in the second line! EEERNT, WRONG! Gold and crown are both strongly accented, way to kill the meter. Why "Celest"? I mean, I got that this was about Celestia after the first stanza, but that sounds silly, especially given that "Celestia" is iambic. It gets worse when we hit "Lune awakes"; why not just "Luna wakes"? Simpler, sounds better, shame about the lead-in syllable. Stars and
starlight? Isn't one of those implied? She turns death to life, really? Pretty sure that's not canon. Eww, and you're suggesting that Discord sneezed them out or something, what's with that? "A gentle death"? So you're saying Luna is death. That's gotta be weird when Celestia breathes on her. "Earth" is missing a lead-in syllable. "Perfection is an empty stage", kind of like this line. Fourth missing syllable: "Light and life". Also needs more colons. Missing syllable number five! "True Nightmare" breaks meter. Turth? Charity? What the hell is Charity? Ain't no pony ever heard of no Element of Charity, what is this? Sealed away, number six. Damn, and that's it. I was hoping we'd lose a whole line. Oh well, chin up, it's neither awful nor unsalvageable, you've got that going for you. 5/10, it's pretty and doesn't suck.The Traveller
Now you're just fucking with me. "Its own high fee?" One too many words there, bucko. Oh no, stop, what are you doing? That next line is like poetry Jenga, just falling to pieces as I read. And bray, really? Donkeys aren't allowed on ships, didn't you know that? They aren't even citizens! What the hell is going on in this second stanza? Utter anarchy, that's what! No meter, no rhyme (well, okay it's ABAC but nobody fucking does that
), doesn't make a single lick of sense. This is awful. "On a". Why is this line ending in "on a"? Why are you trying to rhyme "on a" with "fauna"?
For that matter, why would you set yourself up to use a 7-syllable style and then not use it
? 2/10, try harder.Twilight's Discomfort
Why did you elide "and"? Okay, and do you understand the meaning of "pentameter"? It means "five syllables per line". This is four syllables followed by three. It's not a bad meter to use, but you've mislabeled it. And that first line – you realize I haven't really moved past it yet – is just awful. Metrically, it's an-it-PLEASED-her-an-SO-i-FLEW, or anapest, anapest, iamb. You can't just jam the words into the meter and expect it to work. Same with WHETH-er-the-PATH-was-ONE-i-KNEW, which starts with a trochee. At least it's closer to what you're trying for. Ending that stanza in the middle of a sentence is a colossally poor decision. There's an awful lot of excess words here, just taking up space for the sake of keeping rhyme and meter. At least you're trying? Tell me, right now, what a winnow-fan is, the last time you used it in conversation, and how tribulation can have one. I'm waiting. SCALED-com-PAN-ion-and-I. Not even a "my" at the front to get enough syllables? Right now, I am imagining a picture: Buzz Lightyear dressed as Santa Claus, Woody played by William Shakespeare, and the caption is "Anapests; anapests everywhere." "A chance to learn I'd spy"? No. Oh, and now I see this is just like the first poem, except it's not limericks. Riveting
. The horrors you are wreaking upon the meter in the these last few stanzas is honestly making my head hurt. 4/10, not terrible, but not interesting either.Limericks & Longjohns
Okay, right off the bat, you have to accent the last syllable in "chubby" to make it work. Strike one. And then again with "pastry", strike two. Woods/goods with could; strike two and a half. Three hundred degree oil, ohh, too many syllables! Strike three! Writing about Donut Joe is nice and all, but come on, limericks are not
this difficult! 3/10, at least it's got donuts.Mane Haiku
This had better be fucking perfect. 7-5-7? What is this shit?
You are so fired from poetry. No, you don't get severance pay. Also, if you don't include a word that invokes a season, it's not really a haiku. Okay, well, you've kind of given up on the whole "haiku" thing completely, so let's look at what's actually here. I can say it's remarkably consistent. The Dash one is… dumb. The Rarity one is better, it's evocative, it's got imagery, not bad. The next one is Fluttershy, I'm not getting "grim scrutiny" here, since all I can relate that to is The Stare. Applejack's stanza is as boring as she is. Pinkie's is full of big words. Oh look, Twilight's has big words too. At least they fit her. 4/10, I am slightly flabbergasted by the wrongness of this entry.What Rules a Ruler?
Ooh, is this a riddle? Is the answer "lines"? I'm so clever. This has paragraphs. This is not a poem. What are you doing. Honestly, some line play would serve this wonderfully, don't knock it. If you're gonna free verse, you need to make it look like a poem, I'm serious. I mean, I actually like the language in that first paragraph, but as a story it's too poetic, and as a poem it just looks like it should be a story. "She's king": what? I am not certain the central conceit works, but the buildup is pretty nice. 5/10, a shame about it not being a poem and all.Affliction
Wait. You're not seriously doing all of those at once. You can't possibly do all of those at once! I'm going to assume you don't know what any of these are. It's "renown". So, she can hardly talk about her pain? I think you mean "bear". What the fuck are all those names. I really wish I could actually follow who was speaking. The single lines, by and large, do not work. The rest of this has a certain rhythm of its own, but almost every single one of those breaks it. And in the end, this feels unfinished. The repeated lines for the most part do
work, and while this isn't perfect, you've earned a bit of respect for trying something different. 6/10, I am slightly impressed.The Finale
"Young fool" does not exactly roll off the tongue there, but one stanza in and you're not doing too badly. If our narrator's hate is "ice-bound", this had better be Sombra talking. "Try and fail" has an extra syllable. "Try then to hide" has lots
of extra syllables. Oof, the rest of that stanza; pity. You were doing so well. That "I'll" should not have been contracted, despite there being an extra syllable in that line. "For to me they shall you bind": no, stop, stop! Meter is all wonky in "And know you'll fail". The stanza after that seems completely unnecessary; I'm feeling like things should be wrapping up, and it's not adding anything to the narrative. Okay, so every stanza starts three lines with "Try" and then one with another word; that's good, I like it, and I expected the final stanza to break that. Except that there are two final stanzas, and the final final one seems to be coming from a different narrator. I do not like that one little bit. A strong reveal of the narrator would have been preferable. You tried so hard and got so far, and in the end it didn't even matter. 5/10, so close.North
Oh good, this one's short
. There an extra syllable in the final line, but I think it works. I like this. It sounds like a folk rhyme. It could be sung. I would rate it higher if you hadn't rhymed "blood" with "above". 6/10, good effort.A Shining Shield
Blood summons crows? That sounds like the worst spell ever. The imagery is good, sure, red foam and bloodied wings and all. This kind of never emerges from that scene, though. I mean, things are suggested by "love back home", for instance, but it's like we look at the top of the picture only for our eyes to go back down to the bottom again. There's no sense of anything existing outside this scene. The italicized refrain lines are eh. 4/10, just okay.Muffins!
GEE, I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE ABOUT. You know that should be "dactylic dimeter", right? But wow, that works perfectly. It's light, it's fun, it's got good alliteration and no half-rhymes. It presents and wraps up a single idea and would sound great read aloud. Of course, it also reads a bit like a tongue-twister and I'm not certain that was intentional. 7/10, I genuinely like it.Gospel
No, stop the… No! You can't just string a bunch of poetic forms together like that! Ugh, well, it worked once, let's see… "Lost souls at whom to shout" is an awful phrase, and obviously just crafted for the rhyme. Nations does not rhyme with skeletons. Who is this "God" of which thou speakest? How can a land be wreathed in gust? "Gust" is a countable noun. You cannot wreathe things in it. Plus that's awful meter. "Tour here is remiss"? This doesn't even make sense. I will say that I like the cross-stanza terza rima vs. kyrielle, it's just that overall, this poem is not good. These words are not words people say, not even close. This is like the worst Zecora dialogue ever, and it's not even really a pony thing. 3/10, does not work in the slightest.Derping By Muffin on a Hungry Afternoon
I see what you did there. "Sounds pierce silence dear" is a terrible string of words. But I fucking love this. Other than that line, everything works and the structure is reused hilariously. That last note is key, because if this were just filk, I would hate it. It pains me, however, that this is parody and not wholly original, and so I cannot in good conscience award more than a 7/10. I really should not be rewarding this.The Prophecy
"So now" is superfluous. Wait, groans and shrieks of pain? What? The alliteration is thick with this one. The two lines starting with "Stop them" have far too few syllables. "Has been begun" is not grammatical. 4/10, good try but no.Through Equestria
What "piece" inspired this? Do we need a YouTube link? There will be points deducted for YouTube links. "Only Equestria"? That doesn't rhyme or meter or anything. Content-wise, it works as an anthem, but I can't help feeling like it would sound awful. 4/10, not interesting.The Hidden Door
Oh, so this is just
iambic, huh? I got my eye on you. The structure in this is really nice, and you paint a decently creepy atmosphere. There's a good bit of dissonance between words though, as you're shoving them together to keep meter, like "what some rogue tried". Read it out loud, you'll see what I mean. "Starred"? WRONG. Definitely more Lovecraft than pony. But again, I love that structure, and you kept it consistent. 6/10, not bad.Prism
Wow, suddenly shipping at the end. And here I was going to tut-tut at the random Dash-hate. Lots of meter issues, word use issues, especially when it comes to switching to less standard words like "glean" just to fill a rhyme. I'm getting tired of saying the same thing about everyone's poems, but seriously, all these poems have the same problems and this one is no different. At least you got the sonnet form right. 4/10, meh.Haiku
I assume all these were written by the same person and thus belong together, if not necessarily thematically? Oh wait, I see what's up. Okay. Applejack: cute. Filly: cute in a different way. Guard: decent imagery. Redmane: nice message, but that's 5-6-5, smart guy. Sweetest: uh okay. Element: way to make Rarity out to be worst pony. Winner: Changing of the Guard.
Congratulations, Derpy poems. Those are apparently the best.
This post was edited by its author on .