The synopsis as is, while sounding very pretty, seems a bit too vague. I'd assume that you'd put this on Fimfiction, maybe with a Pinkie Pie
or Other character tag, so that'd be one way to tell who "I" is (am?), but if there were more than one character listed, that'd be confusing… And I guess you kind of have to, since there's a "her" at the end. I'm guessing you're going for an introspective-yet-at-the-same-time-mysterious type of synopsis–which might work for, say, stories in which not knowing things is important to the plot, like if the narrator his- or herself doesn't know much or if you need to build a sense of dread by hiding information. Sad-SoL, not so much.
But yeah. It doesn't really hook a reader, I don't think. In a vacuum, it seems like your story could be just about anything, and as such, it doesn't accomplish the one job of a synopsis. (I guess it might draw in a reader in the way that you might ask your friend what's wrong if they post a really vague but worrying status on Facebook, but if what I'm saying makes as much sense to you as it does to me, you should be at least a little put off by the fact that I'm comparing your synopsis to a vague Facebook post.)
As for the wording itself:
>There’s something about me nopony really knows.
This puts "something" before "me", which means that this "something" probably is the focus of the story. This gives us information about what the story might be about, and I expect it to be explained soon if not immediately.
>I actually hadn’t found out about it myself until some years ago, and to be struck by such a startling revelation tends to scar the mind.
This tells us more about this "something", but it's not as much about "something" as much as it is about "me"/"I". Thus, there's a shift in focus, and it's a little jarring. "To be struck" is both complex, since you have an infinitive that doubles as a gerund, and weak, since it's passive.
>How does one properly react to seeing the world they once knew from an entirely new perspective?
This, on the other hand, kind of starts moving in a completely tangential direction. This is no longer about a "something" or a character; this is about a reaction to an event, or a lack of one. Compare:>There's something at the end of the road I live on. I found it by chance one day, and it was a traumatic experience I'll never forget. What does one do when he finds out he's been living a lie his entire life?
The first sentence and the third are still completely unrelated despite the bridging second sentence, in both this and your synopsis. It might be because of the vagueness/abstractness of both, but as they are, they feel rather disjoint. My synopsis, for example, doesn't say anything about the protagonist finding out his own dead body and learning that he's been a clone of his parents' dead son all along. But now I'm not talking about the actual wording anymore…
And the rhetorical question is perhaps best not used in first person synopses in the middle, because then you have the awkward position of being unable to answer it (unless you're going for some kind of joke, which doesn't seem to be the case).
>I’m unsure of the path I decided to take, but I do believe it is the most logical.
And now, there's a path, but there's been no introduction of this, so it also feels disjoint. "do believe it is the most logical" doesn't sound like Pinkie, I'd say.
There's been no mention of the protagonist going anywhere or doing anything, only seeing the world in a new perspective.
>After all, it’s not like anyone could understand my condition anyway.
Like with the path above, this condition is mentioned without really being introduced.
So yeah. Everything's vague and disjoint, I think. I guess that wasn't really related to the wording.
After a few re-readings, I get the feeling that this startling revelation is meant to be startling for the reader as well, and might be a dramatic plot-twist-reveal at the end. If such is the case, that'd be like saying "Expect a dramatic plot-twist-reveal at the end."
But that thing in the spoilers? With some rephrasing: A depressed, confused-with-herself Pinkamena Diane Pie moves to Ponyville and makes her first friend.
That tells us what the story's about.
My opinion, at least. I hope what I've said is helpful in some manner.End note: At the time of this writing, I've read this synopsis over perhaps ten times in total. I'm guessing: "I" is Pinkie. "My condition" is Dissociative Identity Disorder. "Her" is another personality. If this is what you meant, then I suppose it makes sense–now I can't unsee it, so to speak, but I stand by what I said about the synopsis being too vague to draw in readers. That or Pinkie Pie realizes she's just a cartoon character. If this isn't what you meant, well, it was a guess.
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