[WARNING: More opinion.]Luck of the Draw
Not sure about the committes-Pinkie-Pie relationship. (One's plural, the other isn't.) "The planning committee", perhaps? In "Derpy had been every year", you seem to be missing a word. "Had been attending"? Two months' salary for a ticket to anything Pinkie Pie plans seems pretty high up there, as does anything with "kids enter free". And not doing anything. Yeah, the price point seems pretty… high, for what she's getting out of it.
The rest of it is pretty sweet, even if I'm not a fan of stigma-Derpy. Part one could probably use a trim, and Carrot Top's two showings felt like she'd be a plot point in the end (I want to say "climax" or "denouement", but this feels more like a mood piece than not, so I don't quite think those terms are appropriate). While "And they danced" feels like a great line to end on, the other story with that line as its final line aside (I was writing for this prompt and had this planned, too, but I scrapped the story for reasons unrelated), it's repetitive in light of "And alone in the dimness, they danced", and that takes away impact.
But still, the setting had a good, serene feel to it (though I think this could have been better if you extended this feeling through the part with Derpy's worries), and the characters were cute. It just needs a trim and some polish."What happened…"
That's an interesting take.
I'm not sure what to say here. Well, foremost thoughts first: unlike in the previous story, there's no sense of calm in a pounding nightclub. That's kind of what "And they danced" is suited for, in my opinion: Since there's no actual description of the actions, we as the readers are being distanced from the actors, thus making it "telling." While the actions may not be calm, the way it's conveyed to the reader is, and that's how it's registered.
The progression of events seems to flow nicely, though on a surface level, this has some really awkward parts like details that add nothing ("from her behind her trademark
sunglasses", emphasis added), dialogue choices (“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder…”), and, of course, grammar. They don't get in the way terribly, though. If I'm reading this right, it's about two girls who aren't particularly looking forward to the future and want to live in the moment for just a bit longer.
But in the end, I'm not sure what Octavia's motives for any of her actions are. Perhaps I'm just dense, and if such is the case, please fill me in.
And this really
comes off as shippy to me ("mischevious twinkle in her eye", "softly stroking a hoof down the side of Vinyl's face", " 'that’s part of your charm' ", "They’re going to play our song"…), which is kind of creepy if you're making them sisters
I can't imagine the sound of a match being struck echoing that long in a building that small. "Travelling", logical quotation marks. SLP or Roger, if I had to guess? Removing the ellipses and perhaps italicizing as needed might be better here, I'd think.
So… I'm guessing that there was some kind of epidemic? But somehow, Pinkie was immune, and only Pinkie was immune. And in the end, she killed herself. This might just be me talking, but I get the feeling this would have hurt more had she left the carcass of Ponyville alone, moving elsewhere.When she was…
Very nice opening. It dips a bit later, but… Fuck. Don't tell me this "she" you refer to is–god dammit, it is. It might just be me, but it violently irks me to make a fundamental assumption about a major character and then have it turn out to be completely wrong (One sentence in, I thought it was an OC; one paragraph in, I thought it was Granny Smith). To me, there's no value in any sort of reveal here. And… the "pony we all know and love grows old" card. Sorry, not a fan of that. Especially with the "five stars in the sky, room for one more" combo.
And the song that goes with it ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDYcIXAI9_g
). You know what I'm talking about.
That aside, this was very nice. Well done. (Except for the last line. "They" has an ambigious antecedent–did you mean the stars, the stars and Pinkie, or some combination thereof? And 3/12 ending on the same line. I was only expecting two. Goodness gracious.)
…What, no Minuette stories? Really, "Tick Tock" was practically carte blanche for anything Minuette-centered. I am disappoint.Rankings:
So what I did was take all the fics; sort them (kind-of-not-really) by perceived quality, execution, concept, how much I liked them, etc.; and draw some lines.
Luck of the Draw
When she was very small…
Burdens of the Crown
Oh, Come On
The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity
I might have given "Snuff" the 5 had it not been for the ending and the lack of details about the epidemic. Then again, that's just my opinion, as is everything I've said. I wanted to give two of them 2.5s (and one a 2.25), but since scoring is out of 5 and not 10, that wasn't an option.
I gather that of late, some people are holding back their opinions as to not affect the opinions of others. Well, I need others' opinions to make sure I haven't missed something glaringly obvious!>>5083>your other quip is factually incorrect
I'm sorry? Which one? And I do apologize if anything I said came off as a quip; I most certainly did not intend that.
>the narrator doesn't know the name of a character until someone else states it
It may have come off as stronger had you not referred to the father by name in narration, though. (Of course, I'm presupposing that putting the focus on the colt strengthens it.) With just Strike's name, the narrator puts more focus on him, even though the narrator "knows" what the name of the father is at that point. At past fifty percent of the text, you miss your timing window pretty hard.
Personally, I'd've gone with either getting their names in at the first chance (i.e., "Strike, the younger of the two" and "Grappler, his father") or not at all, sticking to descriptions. Rather than swiftly jumping from perspective to slightly closer perspective, you'd choose one and stick to it, trading perceived learning(?) for fluidity.
>On "Oh, Come On", did you really not pick up on the wordplay?
I picked up that much, but the part where Twilight interprets it as meaning she needs to cum
befuddles me. If anything, I'd've expected Twilight to be the one to say "Ew."
>That you didn't like Taken causes me to not like you.
It's also terribly unoriginal. I gave it a zero.
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