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File: 1364867838800.png (144.13 KB, 236x285, carnival.png)

LIGHTNING ROUND: MINIFIC WRITE-OFF Tactical 4977

Oh hey what's up. Happy April Fools' Day! I don't have a joke for you, but I do have a surprise. I thought I'd go ahead and run a write-off.

ANTHOLOGY HERE:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/96072/minific-lightning-round

VOTING FORM HERE:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dHJzN0hxTElfQzdYMDB4YlhualZFUmc6MA#gid=0

600 word maximum. On your honor for your chosen word processor's word count method. No maximum number of entries.

No content restrictions, but I will reject any entries that are well and truly offensive. Hopefully that'll reduce the problem of people being subjected to stuff that they would normally refuse to read.

Submit prompts NOW. They will be decided by RNG. I have sole discretion in screening prompts for being shit, or for dozens and dozens being submitted by the same person.

This is gonna be FUN!
This post was edited by its author on .

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 4978

Belly of the beast
Date with destiny
A new leaf
How the cookie crumbles
Sleepless in Seattle Lite
The face of evil
Spitballin'

4979

File: 1364869537402.gif (1.21 MB, 260x146, S4Tq3xp.gif)

>>4977
Stripes on the Savannah
Trials and Tribulations
Dirty Dealings

>>4978
>Sleepless in Seattle Lite
That sounds like a vore fic >_>

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 4980

File: 1364869762783.png (153.73 KB, 800x800, Nothing to see here.png)

>>4979
it already is.
Don't tempt me.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 4986

Quick clarification regarding rules:

"well and truly offensive" is by my own sole discretion, and I don't have very much discretion. In general, I will cut things that are straight-up disturbing. Stay away from shockfics and morally abominable subject matter, and I'll let it slide.
This post was edited by its author on .

soundslikeponies!bQsJPGMNfw 4991

File: 1364941765458.gif (264.56 KB, 600x600, flutterfab_2_0_by_docwario-d5r…)

Breakfast of Champions
At the End of the World
Experiments
A Not-So-Harmless Joke
Pet Peeve
A Fool and Their Money are Soon Parted
A House is not a Home imo the best out of these
Better Late than Never
Harvest Time

Present!PeRFeCt9JM 4993

Trying Something New
It Has To Be My Destiny
Adventures In The Mundane
Didn't Expect That!
Getting The Wrong Idea

these all suck :(

4995

Words of Wisdom we Will Never Hear Again

Making a Class of Yourself

To Read or Not to Read, That is the Problem.

Doctor, Doctor!

I Think Out-the-Box, Therefore I am.

One Fun Pun Done, Son.

Is it Hot in Here, or is it Just You?

Hulking Out

After You…

Tempting Fate

Here We Go Again…

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 4996

The Silver Lining
Lightning Round :P
Growth and Decay
Whips and Chains

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 4998

Tough Love
Blowing Up
Tapped Out

5002

One Pony's Trash
Gone Awry
Gears and Gadgets
Under the Weather
Tick Tock
The Collectable
A Brand New Flag
Unlocked
Game of Chance
Escape!
One Too Many
For A Spell

Rodinga !vL.TDTGrPw 5007

Petrification Party
Let me try that again…
Timberwolf Trouble
Fruitbats in my mane!
And they danced
A shaggy pony story

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5010

Hey guys, I just realized–

No promises that I'll actually be able to get my shit done at midnight GMT tomorrow. Might end up being midnight my time instead, which is 10:00 GMT on Saturday. The ending would then be 10:00 GMT on Monday.

5012

OP updated with corrections for the start time.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5014

I know I'm late, but I'm rolling the prompts now. There will be three of them, and one will be selected from among what I think are the best, most open, most interesting ones.

WRITING STARTS NOW! Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5015

Experiments

And They Danced

Tick Tock

Again, R-rated entries are allowed; shocking or offensive material is not.

Edit: Oh shit almost forgot. Email entries to [email protected] and include your name.
This post was edited by its author on .

Present!PeRFeCt9JM 5016

>>5015
So just as a body of email sort of thing then?

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5018

>>5016
Yes indeed. Include fomratting like [i ] and [ b] and such.

Present!PeRFeCt9JM 5023

>>5018
RIGHTYO

Soundslikeponies!bQsJPGMNfw 5024

Unfortunately I have my exam I need to study for most on monday.

5028

Ug. Timing bad. Just got home from a con. Oh well…

Rodinga !vL.TDTGrPw 5029

>>5024
>>5028

My chances at victory are increasing.

Ion-Sturm 5031

File: 1365356827786.jpg (142.83 KB, 1024x1024, 7b2.jpg)

>>5015
Why not just post them in the thread with an anonymous tripcode and in a collapsed spoiler (that way they don't make the page stretch to infinity)?

5032

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 5033

File: 1365371186509.png (246.72 KB, 750x720, She's adorable.png)

>>5031
Well, that would seem like a simple solution—especially with the word count so low—but it creates a problem when you try to determine the winner. How would you know who wrote which story? The answer seems obvious enough: each author will claim their story, on their honor that it is theirs. If one is falsely claimed, however, who would you believe?

A list would have to be kept before judging begins, of which author wrote which story. This leads us back to the original submission system. It also kind of shows why Roger’s hosting site that he built is so elegant. It keeps track of who wrote what so that even Roger himself doesn’t need to know. Brilliantly done, I might add—from my viewpoint, anyway.
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5034

>>5033

Considering there's nothing at stake, I feel like we don't really need to take precautions. Also, the time is up, and I have an exhaustive list in front of my face right now.

Anonymous 5035

>>5034
Still two hours, yes?

Anonymous 5036

>>5034

I was told the deadline was 8 PM EST. Did PP lie to me?

5037

>>5036
8 PM EST is in two hours. Well, 1.5 hours, now.

>>5033
I could always look at IPs if that becomes an issue, but it would seem pretty complicated compared to the current setup.

5039

File: 1365376258797.jpg (277.92 KB, 1126x1500, RL7dLYa.jpg)

>>5037
>>5033
>Why not just post them in the thread with an anonymous tripcode
>with an anonymous tripcode
>anonymous tripcode
>tripcode
>Bro, do you even trip?

5041

>>5015
Sent my entry in. Did you get it?

Rodinga !vL.TDTGrPw 5042

Well, once these get compiled to FIMfic we should do some massive combined upvote and kick it to the feature box. Want more /Fic members? there's no better way to advertise.

Anonymous 5043

>>5042
>Wanting to make /fic/ members of the feature box crowd.

No.

Rodinga !vL.TDTGrPw 5044

File: 1365382434523.png (1.78 MB, 1440x1080, bring_me_my_salad__peasant.png)

>>5043
Yeah I know. Peasants.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5046

>>5036

I don't actually know. The deadline was supposed to be midnight GMT. My timezone is -10 GMT, so I–

Oh.

I'm smart.

Yeah, I won't be rejecting any entries on time. Honor system. If you have an entry that actually was done on time, but you didn't send because I lied to you, send it in.

5047

It's over. I now have time to write.

Guess I'll go write something else.

:P''' Timing.

5049

>>5046
Refer to:
>>5041

Anonymous 5050

>>5049
Nobody's received confirmation, Ion. Stop trying to be special.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5051

I have it, no worries.

Anthology going up… when I feel like it. Give me a minute.

5052

File: 1365390426713.gif (2.14 MB, 300x169, funny-gifs-shepherds-soft-side…)

>>5051
Thanks.

>>5050
But I am special! It's true because my mom told me so.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5054

Here it is. Surprisingly good turnout compared to what it was looking like/what I was afraid of.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/96072/minific-lightning-round

I wish I'd gotten to enter it myself. I love these prompts.

Oh well. There's always next time.
This post was edited by its author on .

Present!PeRFeCt9JM 5056

Man, there are some… very much more than 600-words stories there. c.c I guess word processors are very different?

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5057

>>5056

Whoa. Wasn't paying attention. I'll prod those authors.

Tomorrow. Sleep first.

Nietzsche 5059

>>5057
>>5056

The highest word-count story in the write-off, by fimfiction's system, is "Burdens of the Crown", which fimfiction claims has 679 words. Because I knew from experience that fimfiction inflates word counts, I decided to manually count the words in that fic, and my tally came to 592.

Conclusion: I think it's pretty safe to consider the rest of the fics as being within their word limits.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5061

Anonymous 5062

>>5061
When does voting close?

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5063

>>5062
uh

either sunday night or when it looks like votes are slowing down and pretty much everyone's votes are in.

Anonymous 5064

"Big Mac Gets A Date" is listed in the Gdoc, but not in the FIMFic post. Is that the hidden track? Do I have to read the post backwards to find it?

Also, should no-votes just be left at 0?

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5065

>>5064
That's left over from what I copied the format from. Fixed.

Vote on them all or gtfo. It's 7000 words for fuck's sake.

Anonymous 5066

>>5065
By "no-votes", I mean the part where I'm not supposed to vote on my own.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5067

>>5066
Fuck. Hold on.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5068

I have a shitty, rudimentary solution. It should be okay. Form is now ready for use.

Anonymous 5069

>>5068
That works. Sorry for being THAT guy.

Present!PeRFeCt9JM 5070

Yay voted! Will hold on to my reviews until everything's over because I'm lazy and don't want to try covering what story/ies I wrote.

5071

File: 1365623210649.gif (1.61 MB, 336x167, iFzwzlE.gif)

Voted. Some were good, some were bad, and one had Soundwave, so there was that.

REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5072

Y'all know the drill by now. Drop me a line if you want one. I'll post them during the week after voting closes.

Haven't read any yet, but I will read and vote on Friday.

Good luck, everyone!

Anonymous 5075

>>5068
You should probably post a link to the voting with the FiMFiction compilation.

Author of "Steel Sung" 5077

File: 1365647373755.png (46.54 KB, 472x525, sword_art_online_mlp_2_by_blac…)

>>5072
You exceeded your allotted exclamation mark stipend.

However, I would appreciate a review. No need to take a red pen to it; a quick jot of your thoughts would be more than enough.

Author of "When She Was Very Small..." Anonymous 5078

File: 1365648798001.png (353 KB, 1600x1997, emotional_blackmail.png)

>>5077
>>5072
Ditto on the review request, 'f you'd be so kind.

Pic unrelated.

Author of "Snuff" 5079

>>5072
If you don't mind, I'd appreciate one too, please. Thanks!

Author of "Tick-Tock-Crunk" 5080

File: 1365656282651.gif (2 MB, 360x202, Sombra.gif)

If you're doing reviews then I would most certainly appreciate one as well.

What, no one's writing reviews? "Taken" 5081

Very well, then; I'll start.

What I think (based on what's in the text). [WARNING: Opinions.]

Steel sung…

A cute piece. Some awkward phrases (using "skill" twice in one sentence) and strange phrasing of dialogue that makes it sound unnatural (repetition of "always ready"). Horn sabers seem incredibly strange as a weapon, especially if they're being held in place by a strap around the head. Characters interact well, if not necessarily fluidly (The "You mean dancing" line seems to come out of nowhere, with any prior mention of dancing only in the narration, and I can only assume that was purely metaphorical, and the bathroom comment, while–or because it is–humorous, feels like it takes the tone in a completely different direction) and the father's name feels like it's introduced too late. But all in all, quite nice.

Dealing

I probably don't need to point out the random backslash at the beginning. Obtrusive repetition of ideas, impeding progress of the narration (reached the location: a clock tower with… In that part, it's obvious that the clock tower is not just a location, but her destination, and the phrase thus seems wholly unnecessary), and forced narrative voice (rhetorical questions in an attempt to force questions upon the reader as opposed to having the reader come up with them his- or herself). Adverbs, description of seemingly trivial matters. Conflict feels very artificial, as Sweetie Belle's actions don't feel particularly scandalous. Dialogue punctuation errors. I think you tried to do too much with too big of a constraint, and it didn't pan out.

I'm guessing this was rushed. Sorry, author.

Tick-Tock-Crunk

Description of clock seems off. If it has a pendulum, it could be a hanging clock with a pendulum, a cuckoo clock, or a grandfather clock, and none of those feel like they could fit in a saddlebag. Strange choice of words ("second duplicate," "malevolently"), and I'm not sure what "crunk" is supposed to sound like. Interesting idea, a clock that ticks… off like that, but it'd feel better in an entirely new setting. The payoff for the setup was fairly predictable: either it works, it doesn't, or it backfires, so it mostly lay in execution over idea at that point. It was amusing, but it could use some polish.

Oh, Come On

…What did I just read? Twilight sees Rainbow Dash, is overcome with lust, and… I don't even know. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess Tactical wrote this.

So Long…

The beeping is rather intrusive, as are some errant formatting errors, but that's all superficial. A comment on the fandom's reaction to Derpygate and all that, I'm guessing. The narrator, revealed at the end to be Derpy, asks questions about herself and her situation, but… It's not very subtle, doesn't it? Rather than having the reader question the situation, the narrator does that for him/er, kind of like a reading guide. Interesting questions with a splash (or perhaps a deluge) of pathos to give them a frame. Shame it doesn't go past that. And the life support sounds seemed a touch unnecessary, and the flatline the end more so.

This'd have more impact if Derpy didn't show up like five times in the season three finale, but still something to chew on, however briefly.

Taken

Terrible. Boring. Unfunny. 0/5.

The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity

The intro feels like it drags on for a touch too long. And… Well. Uh.

My brain broke.

The random Soundwave cameo at the end aside, this was fairly amusing. I am too confused to say much of anything else.

Burdens of the Crown

I… I don't… What?

I don't think I get most of these stories.




Rest of stories to follow some time later today.
This post was edited by its author on .

"So Long..." 5082

>>5081

Yeah… I can't say this was a particularly relevant piece. If it makes it any better, this wasn't originally supposed to star Derpy.

Different plot, with a much different character. However, the wording would have likely been too long, so I decided for something that would fall on the shorter end of the spectrum.

Not my proudest achievement.

Author of "Steel Sung" 5083

>>5081
The repetition is for the sake of effect on the father's part, emphasizing that such a statement is foolish and naive to make.

Dancing is a common skill with fighters (for reasons stated in the story). Considering the story starts with "Steel sung as the pair performed a deadly dance", your other quip is factually incorrect (although more allusions to the dance-like nature of battle would have been a good idea, but I hit the word limit before I had the chance to add them). The father's name not being revealed earlier is due to my rather strange need to introduce elements organically; the narrator doesn't know the name of a character until someone else states it. The problem was exacerbated by the fact that I was only working with two characters, one of whom was the father's son (and, as such, wouldn't call his father by name), leaving me to look for an opportunity to have the father state his own name without sounding like he was completely egotistical.

On "Oh, Come On", did you really not pick up on the wordplay? Granted, it took me a second look to get the pun, but it's really quite obvious when you think about it (considering it is the title).
Rainbow Dash tell Twilight to "come" with her to a disaster. Twilight interprets it as meaning she needs to cum, and the story does an excellent job of postulating just how great of a task Twilight has burdened herself.

That you didn't like Taken causes me to not like you.

I don't see what there is to be confused about in Burdens of the Crown. It's the classic meta-fiction of applying real-world issues (nature calling) to fantasy situations (maintaining a constant vigil) delivered with a side of marital tension.

>>5082
My issue with "So Long" was that it didn't have anything pony-related. I mean, more than a few times I had "feet" instead of "hooves" while in the drafting stages of my story, but I at least tried to accommodate the equine form by altering techniques and such accordingly. Yours doesn't so much as attempt to establish who or what the narrator is. It could be a one-eyed purple people eater for all I know (or care).

Anonymous 5084

File: 1365703031246.gif (720 KB, 640x360, opinions.gif)

Author of "Steel Sung" 5086

>>5084
Looking at Urban Dictionary, I'm going to assume "ITT" means "Intense Testicular Tension".

Anonymous 5087

>>5086
Close enough.

"So Long..." 5088

>>5083

Because it had less to do with ponies, than with the fandom itself. Me jamming in "hooves" or other such wording was not going to change that.

Still, as admitted, it's not my best work. I was trying out a stylistic choice which didn't end with as much subtlety as I prefer, but maybe it's a sign I should have stuck with the original concept more.

"Taken" 5092

[WARNING: More opinion.]

Luck of the Draw

Not sure about the committes-Pinkie-Pie relationship. (One's plural, the other isn't.) "The planning committee", perhaps? In "Derpy had been every year", you seem to be missing a word. "Had been attending"? Two months' salary for a ticket to anything Pinkie Pie plans seems pretty high up there, as does anything with "kids enter free". And not doing anything. Yeah, the price point seems pretty… high, for what she's getting out of it.

The rest of it is pretty sweet, even if I'm not a fan of stigma-Derpy. Part one could probably use a trim, and Carrot Top's two showings felt like she'd be a plot point in the end (I want to say "climax" or "denouement", but this feels more like a mood piece than not, so I don't quite think those terms are appropriate). While "And they danced" feels like a great line to end on, the other story with that line as its final line aside (I was writing for this prompt and had this planned, too, but I scrapped the story for reasons unrelated), it's repetitive in light of "And alone in the dimness, they danced", and that takes away impact.

But still, the setting had a good, serene feel to it (though I think this could have been better if you extended this feeling through the part with Derpy's worries), and the characters were cute. It just needs a trim and some polish.

"What happened…"

>sister

That's an interesting take.

I'm not sure what to say here. Well, foremost thoughts first: unlike in the previous story, there's no sense of calm in a pounding nightclub. That's kind of what "And they danced" is suited for, in my opinion: Since there's no actual description of the actions, we as the readers are being distanced from the actors, thus making it "telling." While the actions may not be calm, the way it's conveyed to the reader is, and that's how it's registered.

The progression of events seems to flow nicely, though on a surface level, this has some really awkward parts like details that add nothing ("from her behind her trademark sunglasses", emphasis added), dialogue choices (“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder…”), and, of course, grammar. They don't get in the way terribly, though. If I'm reading this right, it's about two girls who aren't particularly looking forward to the future and want to live in the moment for just a bit longer.

But in the end, I'm not sure what Octavia's motives for any of her actions are. Perhaps I'm just dense, and if such is the case, please fill me in.

And this really comes off as shippy to me ("mischevious twinkle in her eye", "softly stroking a hoof down the side of Vinyl's face", " 'that’s part of your charm' ", "They’re going to play our song"…), which is kind of creepy if you're making them sisters.

Snuff

I can't imagine the sound of a match being struck echoing that long in a building that small. "Travelling", logical quotation marks. SLP or Roger, if I had to guess? Removing the ellipses and perhaps italicizing as needed might be better here, I'd think.

So… I'm guessing that there was some kind of epidemic? But somehow, Pinkie was immune, and only Pinkie was immune. And in the end, she killed herself. This might just be me talking, but I get the feeling this would have hurt more had she left the carcass of Ponyville alone, moving elsewhere.

When she was…

Very nice opening. It dips a bit later, but… Fuck. Don't tell me this "she" you refer to is–god dammit, it is. It might just be me, but it violently irks me to make a fundamental assumption about a major character and then have it turn out to be completely wrong (One sentence in, I thought it was an OC; one paragraph in, I thought it was Granny Smith). To me, there's no value in any sort of reveal here. And… the "pony we all know and love grows old" card. Sorry, not a fan of that. Especially with the "five stars in the sky, room for one more" combo.

And the song that goes with it ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDYcIXAI9_g ). You know what I'm talking about.

That aside, this was very nice. Well done. (Except for the last line. "They" has an ambigious antecedent–did you mean the stars, the stars and Pinkie, or some combination thereof? And 3/12 ending on the same line. I was only expecting two. Goodness gracious.)





…What, no Minuette stories? Really, "Tick Tock" was practically carte blanche for anything Minuette-centered. I am disappoint.

Rankings:
So what I did was take all the fics; sort them (kind-of-not-really) by perceived quality, execution, concept, how much I liked them, etc.; and draw some lines.

5
Luck of the Draw
4
Steel sung…
When she was very small…
3
Snuff
What happened…
2
Burdens of the Crown
Oh, Come On
The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity
Tick-Tock-Crunk
1
So Long…
0
Dealing
Taken


I might have given "Snuff" the 5 had it not been for the ending and the lack of details about the epidemic. Then again, that's just my opinion, as is everything I've said. I wanted to give two of them 2.5s (and one a 2.25), but since scoring is out of 5 and not 10, that wasn't an option.

I gather that of late, some people are holding back their opinions as to not affect the opinions of others. Well, I need others' opinions to make sure I haven't missed something glaringly obvious!



>>5083
>your other quip is factually incorrect
I'm sorry? Which one? And I do apologize if anything I said came off as a quip; I most certainly did not intend that.

>the narrator doesn't know the name of a character until someone else states it

It may have come off as stronger had you not referred to the father by name in narration, though. (Of course, I'm presupposing that putting the focus on the colt strengthens it.) With just Strike's name, the narrator puts more focus on him, even though the narrator "knows" what the name of the father is at that point. At past fifty percent of the text, you miss your timing window pretty hard.

Personally, I'd've gone with either getting their names in at the first chance (i.e., "Strike, the younger of the two" and "Grappler, his father") or not at all, sticking to descriptions. Rather than swiftly jumping from perspective to slightly closer perspective, you'd choose one and stick to it, trading perceived learning(?) for fluidity.

>On "Oh, Come On", did you really not pick up on the wordplay?

I picked up that much, but the part where Twilight interprets it as meaning she needs to cum befuddles me. If anything, I'd've expected Twilight to be the one to say "Ew."

>That you didn't like Taken causes me to not like you.

It's also terribly unoriginal. I gave it a zero.
This post was edited by its author on .

Luck of the Draw 5094

>>5092
I'm not sure influencing others' opinions is why not much feedback has been given so far. It's never stopped anyone before. In any case, your opinion is your opinion. Don't worry about needing buy-in from others to justify it. If you're convinced to change it, fine, but you can't help your honest feelings about something.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. To address the points you made…

>Not sure about the committes-Pinkie-Pie relationship. (One's plural, the other isn't.) "The planning committee", perhaps?

There are multiple committees, but Pinkie chairs them all. The wording was intended.

>In "Derpy had been every year", you seem to be missing a word. "Had been attending"?

It's a valid, if not entirely common way of saying this. You can eliminate a place or event. ("Have you gone shopping yet?" "Yes, I've been.") And with my story sitting at 600 words on the nose, I had to cut words wherever I could. There originally was something there, and it was one of the last to go.

>Two months' salary for a ticket to anything Pinkie Pie plans seems pretty high up there, as does anything with "kids enter free".

Well, it's the same as it was in S1E1. Locals set the thing up, but ultimately, it's overseen from Canterlot. Pinkie's not the one setting the prices. And as a yearly thing that ponies all over the country would want to attend (like the Super Bowl, for example), they'd be able to charge a premium. Now, canon doesn't have it as a paid event (or not have it as one, for that matter), so I made that up, because it worked for the story that Derpy was about to be priced out of the market.

>And not doing anything.

Yeah, but she's mostly there to see the sunrise ceremony. And there's free food…

>Carrot Top's two showings felt like she'd be a plot point in the end

It was a plot point a little bit in that Carrot Top had something to do with Bag Mac's actions, but mostly, it was because I wanted to show that someone with Derpy's personality latches onto anyone who's willing to be nice to them (there are real people like this), so she kept noticing what Carrot Top was doing. If I'd had more word count to work with, Carrot Top would have been the one to take Derpy's spot as the marshal, and Derpy would have been happy about it. And that Big Mac wasn't one of the ponies hiding from her—he wasn't present when that happened. I'll eventually lengthen this to a one-shot and include that.

> While "And they danced" feels like a great line to end on, it's repetitive in light of "And alone in the dimness, they danced", and that takes away impact.

Well, the two were there for different reasons. The first was obviously to show that they started dancing, and the second was to show that it continued on past the end of the story, i.e. Big Mac didn't just stay for one token dance and leave. I did put thought into doing it this way, and it's how I want it, but it obviously won't mean to every reader what it means to me.

Thank you for your feedback!

Author of "Snuff" 5095

>>5092
>I can't imagine the sound of a match being struck echoing that long in a building that small.
I didn't mean that the sound of the strike took a long time, just that it travelled far. Maybe "echo" wasn't the best word to use.

>I'm guessing that there was some kind of epidemic? But somehow, Pinkie was immune, and only Pinkie was immune. And in the end, she killed herself.

Yep, you're right.

>lack of details about the epidemic

I wanted to be subtle about it, and go into as much detail as Pinkie Pie would be comfortable going into, since this was from her perspective.

And thank you for your opinion. I do very much appreciate it.

Author of "When She Was..." Anonymous 5096

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>>5092

Yeah, this whole thing was a pretty big experiment for me. It was very divergent from my normal style, and very much an exercise in symbolism in that I wanted to hint at whether Pinkie is just dreaming or if she actually dies purely through the diction and structure of the language. I knew was either going to work perfectly or crash and burn, so with all that being said, a 4/5's not disappointing at all. Guess now I just have to wait and see whether the rest of the voting public agrees with you or not.

tl;dr pretentious hipster bullshit

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5097

Damn it. I have SO much work to do. But I really do feel an obligation to do reviews. Here we go.

Don't worry, I well and truly cannot remember who wrote what.

Steel sung…
When I judge these, I'm very strongly biased towards stories that have a twist. The idea with these is to tell a story with a beginning, middle, and ending–in other words, to have the story begin one way, and then evolve somehow by the end. This doesn't, and the ending is kind of meaningless. Whatever, though–the prose is competent enough.

Dealing
First of all, l2proofread. Anyway, I JUST said that I like for these to end with a twist, and yet here I am already disliking one that actually *does* use the structure of setup and punch line. The main thing that kept me from enjoying this was the particularly weak prose. "Taken" covered that, and he didn't even cover all of it. Also, this story just flips from the setup straight to the twist/reveal–it doesn't give us a reason to enjoy it.

Tick-Tock-Crunk
First off, what's with the title? Second, was this written by the same author? It's got a lot of the same problems, so–sorry–I'll be rating this low. Aside from that, THIS is how a setup and reveal should work. You have a middle part where the characters are drawing attention to the clock and making us think about what the prank is and looking forward to how Twilight will react and whatever, so that the ending has the "crunk" of a punch line hitting.

Oh, Come On
>But try as she might, spontaneous orgasm was not one of her skills.
wtf am I reading

First off, I see narrator voice derps. The reason this confused everyone else is because it takes a serious logical leap to figure out exactly what Twilight is thinking. The idea here is cute, but it's thrown out there totally unexplained, so it doesn't work. Then, at the ending, you forgot to wrap up the punch line by telling us that Twilight felt embarrassed when she realized that she'd guessed wrong about the emergency or something. I feel like you had to cut this down to far too few words.

So Long…
Way too goddamn long. The idea was okay, but telling it with nothing but these tense one-line rhetorical questions just feels like taking the easy, lazy route instead of writing this in an enjoyable way. And I felt that before this got obnoxiously heavy-hooved. This would have been okay (if unimpressive; really there's no prose to comment on here) if it said a few of the best lines ("I was supposed to bring joy") and then got to the fucking point, preferably so fast that we don't see enough for it to be obvious. This… ugh.

Taken
Telly, should've put some effort into tone, but hell, I'm going to go with "flawed, like everything is," and say that this was quite clever and well paced. I hope that this one sets the tone for the rest of these.

The Heart Holds Grudges with Gravity
The twist was fantastic, but the ending was a letdown. And then the very ending is an intentional "wat" moment that really just shouldn't have been done.

Burdens of the Crown
Again, cute, but doesn't have a plot as far as I can tell.

Luck of the Draw
God dammit, between Morning Angles and Pascoite, I can't help but catch every little bit of fucking telling nowadays. It hurts a few important aspects because the narrator voice is rather dry and description would be much more interesting. Finally, I'd say you should extend the ending. Otherwise, this is my top pick so far.

What happened to us…
The dialogue is clunky and yet again I'm not a big fan of the prose in general. More than that, I don't get this one. Incest? I'm someone who would actually be suckered by your feels at the end, if only you had deployed them better and if only they actually made sense. There's nothing inherently wrong with an inconclusive ending like this, but you should do SOMETHING to make the ending a proper ending. Maybe… maybe if they were feeling awkward about the fact that they'd drifted apart for most of the story, and then the ending looped back to what you said about trust.

Snuff
This is somewhere in between following the format that I like and not. It doesn't change a whole lot–the whole thing until the last paragraph is rather samey. There's also not a whole lot of justification for the fic. The rest of the m6 are dead and Pinkie's sad. That's not interesting in and of itself. I like the way the very last line works, but apart from that the actual story here doesn't excite me. You do the tone pretty well, for what that's worth.

When she was very small…
Same thing, except I liked it a lot better. Too many things about this captivated me for me to be able to complain about this thing the way I did for most of the others. I mean, I guess this is another one that doesn't change very much. The ending is even less of a twist than the last one. The difference is that the way you gave us the information was enjoyable. Well, I thought so. I feel sort of bad for basing such a big difference between "liked it" and "didn't like it" on something so subjective…
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5098

>>5083
>"come" with her
Nope, didn't catch it.

EDIT: Now that I'm reading it with an awareness of this joke, wow, this entry is suddenly hilarious. It's just that "What? Here? Now?" isn't obvious enough. Go heavy-handed with it, like, have her think "She wants me to do WHAT? Right here and now?" followed by "It's an emergency! Seriously, you have to come with me, NOW!" and then "I… okay, I'll try!"

Wow this is a fun idea. I wish I'd thought of this.
This post was edited by its author on .

Author of "Steel Sung" 5099

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>>5098
I swore it was yours. It seemed like a very Tactical thing to write.

And making the joke too obvious would ruin the effect of discovery, that double-take as a creeping realization of what's going on dawns on you.
>>5097
You seem to be looking a bit too hard for a plot in a six-hundred word minific. That's not to say a plot is bad thing in these, just that there's something to be said for setting a tone and scene and leaving it to the reader to exercise their imagination for the rest.

And perhaps my twist was not having one.

5101

>>5097
Agreed with Author of "Steel Sung" here–600 words is pretty short for a complete story. I was kind of looking forward to reading stories more like "Steel Sung", where there's more put into setting the scene than moving it forward. A painting instead than a comic, if the analogy holds.

>>5099
>I swore it was yours. It seemed like a very Tactical thing to write.

I am as surprised as you.

5102

>>5101
It's a fic contest, not a scene contest. People can write scenes if they wish, and people can vote them however they wish, but I give preference to people that can tell a story, where a conflict is set up and resolved. It's not easy, but it can be and has been done. I give preference to entries that manage to do so. You rarely win by doing it the easy way.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5103

Here is the complete breakdown.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/gform?key=0AgZA5uM12MBldHJzN0hxTElfQzdYMDB4YlhualZFUmc#chart

Congratulations to the author of Luck of the Draw!

Ion-Sturm, Author of "Steel Sung" 5105

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>>5103
>Access Denied

REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!! 5107

Steel sung as the pair performed…
>A smooth slash, met by casual counter as grassy ground was given and taken in equal measure.
I think there's a missing word there, and passive voice probably isn't a good idea this near the beginning, where you're trying to hook a reader. In general anyway. If he can't commit to 600 words, then we don't want him around, anyway.

>Amber eyes watched as his father paced a circle around, as if he was examining the best point to tear down a castle’s walls.

Hm. A bit odd to have two "as" phrases, and with different meanings as well. Subjunctive mood on your hypotheticals. "as if he were"

>to not//

Swap those. It happens twice.

Watch a couple of spots where you have the same or very similar words used close together. It can create a repetitive feel, unless you're doing it on purpose for a specific reason.

Okay, that was a pleasant enough interaction. You had some nice touches in there to make your characters real and relatable. On the characterization side, you're good. On the plot however, there really wasn't any. Now, I know it's difficult to tell a complete story in such a small space, but it can be done. You have a nice scene, but it's not really a story. I suppose it's up to individual voters whether to require that, give preference to it, or not care. Even to the last type, complete stories tend to impress more becuase, well, it's impressive when someone can do that well on a tight budget of words. In summary, the writing quality is good, and you create characters well, but it didn't go anywhere.

Tick-Tock-Crunk
>She looked around, nopony was in sight.
Comma splice. You have two complete sentences tacked together with a comma. There are several ways to fix one.

>If Twilight was following her morning schedule exactly Rainbow had four minutes and thirty seconds to set up her prank.

Missing a comma after the dependent clause.

>Opening her wings Rainbow flew over to Twilight’s clock on the library wall.

Missing a comma after the introductory participial phrase.

>Opening her other saddle bag she took out a second duplicate clock and placed it on the wall.

Same thing.

>It will take her ages the find them all.

Wrong word. And she'd presumably only need to find a few of them. Or buy more. They're cheap.

>peak in through the window

peek

>Exactly on schedule Twilight opened the Library and walked in with a bag of groceries.

Like the participial phrases before, introductory elements leading into a clause's subject are usually set off with a comma.

>Soon Twilight would be comfortable and then when the rhythm of the clock became second nature

Missing comma for dependent clause.

>crunk.One

Needs a space.

>The door opened,//

That comma should be a period.

This is odd. I don't have much to say about it, because I can't really explain why I feel how I do about it. The characters were done well enough, and the Pinkie/Dash prank crew is usually a good thing. I liked Twilight's response to the clock, and it was unexpected. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but more of a "yeah, I can see Twilight doing that." Partly it was just the lack of reaction on Twilight's part, and a better reaction from her could have elicited a corresponding better reaction from Dash. And nothing from Pinkie?

Snuff
>It reverberated and travelled to every dark corner of the empty bakery and beyond. For as long as it searched, it found no other of its kind.
Oh, crap. You're going to get all artsy and go over my head. I'll try to keep up. But… How did it get beyond the bakery?

>It had been ninety-seven days since her own birthday party.

Missing a line break here.

>But, Ponyville without ponies was hardly Ponyville at all.

It's rarely correct to use a coma after a conjunction. This one is not. If you want a pause there, use an ellipsis.

>them and their smiling faces

This is a dislocation of the subject, and so should be in nominative case (they and their smiling faces).

>she didn’t have much to smile about any more

anymore

That was quite well written. And yet I'm left utterly confused. I get that Pinkie misses everyone, but it sure seems to me like she was the one responsible for their deaths. Linking the day of the party to when the first one fell ill, and certainly a Pinkie party would be a good way to reach everyone. So it either comes across as a whole lot creepier than was intended, or Pinkie has a complete breakdown of how she feels about her friends—mourning them to the point of suicide after killing them and making absolutely no connection between the two, except that the latter is never implied by anything other than circumstantial evidence. So, I'm not sure which was intended, but in either case, there's this huge gap of believability suggesting the other. It's not ambiguous; it's… bifurcated. Frustratingly so. I'll give you credit for the writing quality, but I'm no closer to knowing why this happened than I was before I started. And fire is a pretty bad way to go—not painless or quick. You'd think she'd pick something else. Even if she wanted to involve the bakery, she could turn on the gas, for instance.

When she was very small…
>When she was very small
As pronouns operate with antecedents, I'm not a fan of using one before you've introduced any possible one. Even a generic one like "the mare" would do.

>All of them were special, and important in their own peculiar way.

Unnecessary comma, as it's just a simple compound structure.

>Different colors of paint that formed a beautiful portrait; unique, peculiar flavors that mixed into the tastiest cake anypony ever baked.

Misused semicolon. There isn't an independent clause anywhere after it. You could use a colon there.

>It’d been a while since she’d had a chance to try: too many birthdays passed, too many empty chairs at the table afterwards. That was all she had left now: memories, colors, flavors.

Okay, here's an example of getting too smart for your own britches. The colons are used correctly. But you have them in consecutive sentences, and you've already used several in the story. When the reader starts saying to himself, "I think I've seen quite a few colons," then you're pulling focus away from your story. That's not a good thing. There are 4 in the story, or about 1 every 150 words. That's getting up there.

>and as she opened it

Introductory phrases like this normally have a comma afterward, but some usage (primarily British) doesn't do so.

Damn, this really reminds me of the story I wrote a couple of write-offs ago. Well done. The writing quality was very good, and the imagery was terrific. I very much enjoyed reading it.

But…

The dancing feels a bit shoehorned. "They used to dance all the time, she and her friends." Well, some, but there's not that much dancing in canon, and you haven't added anything to justify the hyperbole. Not that the dancing wouldn't be workable—I just don't think you needed to play it up that much. Even the little they do in canon could be special to her in quality, if not quantity, and that's the more important sentiment to communicate. My other beef is one I frequently have in these minific write-offs: where's the conflict? Pinkie's already resolved, even looking forward to her fate. There's no question of what's going to happen, how it might turn out, for either Pinkie or the reader. There's no suspense, nothing at stake, nothing that changes. It's a wonderful scene, a great mood piece. But it's not a story.

It seems like I'm writing a lot of negatives, but this was my favorite entry, and the one I want to see made into something more. Extend this, work it into a longer piece somehow, and you could have something really good.
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5108

>>5105

Try it now.

5109

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>>5108
That did the trick. Thanks.

What were the averages for each story? Or did I miss that statistic?

>>5107
>Steel Sung
Which words were repetitive?

The first sentence was an attempt at making each part a mini-alliteration. I guess it didn't work as intended.

I would have liked to add a real "plot" to it, but it took me all six-hundred words just to establish the father/son rapport.

"Tick-Tock-Crunk" 5110

File: 1365923268474.gif (494.23 KB, 500x211, damn.gif)

How… mediocre of me. Too few and too many commas.

Well, an interesting result for what essentially became a shaggy dog story.
I wanted to put expectations up and then deny them. To get the reader to shake his head and smile.

Still, twas fun.

Author of "Oh, Come On", "The Heart Holds Grudges" and "Burdens of the Crown" Present!PeRFeCt9JM 5111

Tac, I find your lack of ranking disturbing! Here is the breakdown for people like me who are too lazy to figure it out themselves! (Wait…)

1) Luck of the Draw: 4.11
2) Taken: 3.67
3) When she was very small: 3.33
4) Burdens of the Crown: 3.11
5) Steel sung: 3.00
6) Snuff: 2.78
7) Tick Tock Crunk: 2.33
8) What happened to us sister: 2.30
9) The Heart Holds Grudges: 2.22
10) Oh, Come On: 2.00
11) So Long: 1.67
12) Dealing: 1.00

I need to remember you people don't appreciate trollfics. :V Now have my reviews, for what they're worth.

Steel Sung as the Pair Performed: Good narrative voice, nice little insights into these characters, a tad light on the “pony-related” angle, but I think this could actually work well if expanded.

Dealing: “Bungled”? I don’t think that’s how you use that word. So the purpose of this was to fake out the reader into thinking Sweetie Belle was buying drugs? That’s… odd. And the narrator’s voice was also odd, with the questions directed at the audience and so forth.

Tick-Tock-Crunk: Kind of pointless (Rainbow’s prank backfires, but nothing comes of it). Also, I feel lied to as Lil Jon never once made an appearance. Comma usage aside, the writing is good. I think it’s safe to say this feels like the start of something longer. Good use of Time Turner!

So Long: Why the strange line breaks? They don’t always happen, but they seem to serve no purpose. This may as well not be pony related at all. The last line gives it away, but anyone reading this outside the fandom wouldn’t see the connection. Not to mention the beeping is both immediately obvious as to its purpose, and easy to ignore. I really couldn’t figure out what most of this was regarding.

Taken: “I’m pretty sure you were the ones I didn’t infect.” And that’s when I loved this story. Very amusing, and could certainly benefit from extension without wearing out its welcome.

Luck of the Draw: High on the ‘cute’ scale, but it feels generally like a story skeleton, something that’s meant to be far longer and had to be diluted into what it is. Reworked with a bit more meat on those bones, this could definitely hit some emotional notes. The part I felt was most skimped on, other than the ending, was the significance and duties of the Grand Marshal position.

“What happened to us, sister?”: Man, people, titles! Uhh… did you cast Vinyl and Octavia as sisters and then… put them into a romantic relationship? I dislike the implications of this story greatly, but I can at least say the writing is decent. That said, the word count doesn’t really allow it to build up enough steam to go anywhere.

Snuff: As Ponyville without ponies is hardly Ponyville at all, so too is Pinkie Pie without laughter. None of her actions make any sense unless you take for granted that her smiles hide some horrible darkness within her, and that’s the kind of thing that gives us serial murderer Pinkie, with mixed results. I found the ending disappointing because I expected it. That said, the imagery in this is great, and the overall piece paints a nice little snapshot of this time in her life.

When she was very small: Talk about shoehorning a prompt into a story. I kind of don’t have anything kind to say about this, other than the writing was decent, because short fics about the last days of mane cast members’ lives are a dime a dozen. I do appreciate the uplifting ending, at least.

Taken was my favorite. Now for commentary on my own entries:

Oh, Come On! is something I call a "shippable moment". Essentially, riffing on a line or scene from an episode (this one's from Magic Duel) that suggests the tiniest hint of shipping. Sometimes they get cloppy, as this one did. I figured it was worth it given the content rating of this contest.

>>5097
Then, at the ending, you forgot to wrap up the punch line by telling us that Twilight felt embarrassed when she realized that she'd guessed wrong about the emergency or something. I feel like you had to cut this down to far too few words.

Actually, this was the only one of my entries I didn't have to cut down. (That comment about some authors having entries way over the limit? Yeah, those were all mine. I swear they're all under 600 in Word though!) But you're right about the ending, and for what it's worth, I've made a tiny change.

I hope at least someone got a kick out of the uber-serious title for The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity. (I was going for a "Nothing Gold Can Stay" vibe.) With a prompt like "And They Danced", I couldn't not write about a danceoff. I'll admit the Soundwave ending was there to cover up the fact that I didn't really have an ending (this is the only one of my three entries not based off an earlier idea). And, well, I put him in there as the boombox, I figured I should do something with it, y'know? More proof that you should never add something into a story just because it's funny.

Likewise, I hope people appreciated the FiW reference in Burdens of the Crown. This, again, was just me riffing on Crystal Kingdom. The version of this going up on fimfiction is going to be almost 700 words, fyi.

"Snuff" 5113

Oh well. I'll write a comedy or something next time; I'm at least a little better at that.

5115

>>5108
No big reveal of who wrote which story in the results?

Author of "When She Was..." 5116

>>5115
I'm a shitty forgotten superhero whose name rhymes with Bat-quaman.

I'm also going to send Present at least six different pictures of me with hot water splashed all over my face so he thinks I'm crying.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 5117

>>5111

My system for who wrote what already sucked in the first place, and now I've deleted the data so that you guys can't see it in the voting form.

I made a column for averages, except it was a row and not a column, so it doesn't display on the chart that I linked you to. You could have seen it by clicking the "see all responses" link which would have taken you to the google doc proper (from which you could have messed with everything, because letting you guys edit was the only way to let you see that cool chart breakdown.)

So…

Pascoite!uxy6g7ov9I 5118

So, we know what Ion and Aqua wrote, and the three by PresentPerfect. I wrote "Luck of the Draw." That's 6 of the 12.

Present!PeRFeCt9JM 5119

>>5116
waaaat

since when did you do writing contests :D

Filler, author of "Taken" 5120

>>5119
He did ask about the writeoff in your blog post.

And I wrote "Taken", so that's seven of twelve.


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