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Azusa's Review Thread: Magical Lesbian Edition 4825

#Reviewer

Stay awhile, and listen.

Next month will be the anniversary of when I started seriously reviewing pony fic, so I decided to start a review thread. I've reviewed around 25 stories on The Training Grounds.

Read Me
>Use Google Documents if you want more than a tl;dr review.

>I reserve the right to review only the first chapter of a multi-chapter story if it has more than sentence level problems.


>I am willing to review non-pony fiction if your story seems interesting.


>Bug me in the #fic IRC channel on Canternet if you feel that I'm taking too long. Link: http://derpy.me/TFaOm


>Use the IRC anyway, because it's a fun time-sink.


Stories I've reviewed that made it to EqD.


Further writing advice.


http://youtu.be/DotJthIWmOE
This post was edited by its author on .

You asked... 4830

File: 1364102167643.png (1.38 MB, 10000x6430, octavia___gala_dress.png)

And since this is also magical lesbian edition…

Between editing my older stuff I decided to write something new as a litmus test to see how I'd progressed since I started coming to /fic.
So I asked myself: "Want to write story, why not shipping?"

So have a 2.5k half finished first chapter of an Rarity-Octavia ship fic that I came up with while driving home from a orchestral performance of Thus Spoke Zaratustra.

Review it however you'd like, feedback is a wonderful thing.

Thus Spoke Celestia - Inspiration Dawns
[romance]

Synopsis: An orchestral performance inspires Rarity to create something new and she finds the perfect model for it in a musician. The pair combine their talents to make something great, but Octavia starts to have doubts when they become an overnight sensation.
(first chapter means you won't see to much of that just yet)

Characters: Rarity, Octavia, Princess Twilight

GDrive Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JwF4KkRF62Dkif1fm3TwP0iHWQCmUByCgziN0D4gD7w/edit?usp=sharing
This post was edited by its author on .

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 4833

File: 1364161202808.png (99.05 KB, 600x581, Hey there.png)

Hey there, Azu. I wish I had a story for you to look at, but all of them are going through edits right now, so I guess I'm just saying "Welcome to your own thread" which isn't entirely useless in saying.

4920

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>>4830
The opening of your story was bit slow. It didn't really hook me until the second scene. I suggest having there be a funny moment between Twi and Rarity just before the show starts.

Your dialog is robotic in parts. Assuming that you aren't already doing this, find some books with lots of dialog. Also, try and speak your sentences out loud.

And lastly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comma#Uses_in_English

Though, I really so want to know where this is going to go. Rarity x Octavia Tavity? Rarivia? Octavity? hasn't really been done before, but it makes so much sense. And the way it ends as it is now, it doesn't feel like the actual ending of the chapter.

Let me know when you're ready for me to look at the rest.

>>4833
Thanks!

Rodinga !vL.TDTGrPw 4928

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>>4920
Thank you for that review. It always helps to get a second opinion. You might have guessed that it wasn't anywhere near finished.

You'll be glad to hear that there is a plan and I know where I'm going.

First: I'll do an extensive rewrite of what's there and watch a few episodes to get characters down.

I'll get back to you again soon with something in better condition.

4929

Just so we're clear: despite your thread's name, you review all kinds of story genres, not just F/F shipping, correct? I'm slightly confused.

Tactical 4930

>magical lesbians

hee hee hee

4944

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>>4929
Nah, you can submit whatever you want.

>>4930
Oh, you.

Review Request: Jericho 4987

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Hail to thee, Ser Azusa. ("Ser" because I learned long ago the danger of assuming one's gender, on the internet.) I come to you with a request, and because your thread just seemed so lonely and pristine.


Title: Jericho
Tags: [Dark] [Adventure] [Comedy]
Synopsis: I’d like to think there’s a better way to be the first Teutscher to set hoof into Equestria in a millennium. When your best friends are your own sociopathic nature and the guardian angel who appears in your dreams, though, the easy way is probably just wishful thinking. See, the universe is almost certainly out to get me. There’s also the reborn Prince of Darkness, honestly trying to save the world from my angelic friend. The younger Equestrian princess is an utter lunatic, though she is pretty hot. The Equestrian culture, which manages to be both elitist and barbaric at the same time. These six infuriating mares that Princess Celestia apparently sees something in, which is why they’re the heroes. There is no way to tell their stories without telling my own. And if their stories are really just one big confession, then so is mine.

Still, with enough wit, some Prussian ingenuity, an unreasonable amount of ponicide, and my bottomless well of snark, I might just be able to make it out of here alive. Then again, there’s a reason why there’s a big “if” in the middle of my life.

Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jWjDdjUdsNdOXh5QBPRd5u9SZuVEQXdfnbOf9KeiSag/edit?usp=sharing — Chapter I: 4,765, Also Sprach der Engel [Eng. Thus Spoke the Engel]
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aqDO-VKK3eB8ujth7Nw5T4_Kf2_acy_WsMvC5VmwLHc/edit — Chapter II: 5,673, Nemawaschi [AKA, Chekhov’s Guns: The Chapter]
(At the end of each chapter, there is a link to the other.)
Grand Word Count: 10,438

Notes: Despite Tactical Insertion making a thread post about not being too worried about going through the review circuit that was most certainly aimed at me, here I am. Without that in mind, there are few question I had for you, on top of whatever else you might say/think of about Jericho:
[ ] Is the character of the narrator interesting? Because the Mane Six probably won't show up in this story for a while [at least not at all in the first act], the primary interest of the story should be the narrator. Is the narrator's voice [in the literary sense] neat? Do I accomplish this from at least line one?
[ ] In chapter II, is the character of Lyra (and then Bon-Bon) also interesting? (And that includes how I tried to describe their house in ways that characterized them, too]
[ ] Does everything make sense? This is one the points I'm paranoid about.
[ ] Are the jokes funny? I mean, enough to warrant the [Comedy] tag?
[ ] There are no outstanding grammatical errors, right? What with my outlandish dreams of the EQD, and hopefully giving you another story to put into the “Stories I've reviewed that made it to EqD” list, I'd like to know my grammatical skills.
[ ] Did you know that I thank you very much for your time? Because I do. A lot. Thanks. I await with baited breath to hear your thoughts. Also dankeschön. Have no mercy on me, please.

>pic unrelated
This post was edited by its author on .

Jericho - review Azusa!fG2qnvpWXU 5090

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>>4987
All right, now that I'm done with in-doc comments, on to the questions you asked.

>Is the narrator's voice [in the literary sense] neat? Do I accomplish this from at least line one?

He's interesting enough.

>In chapter II, is the character of Lyra (and then Bon-Bon) also interesting?

We don't really get to know much about Bon Bon, and Lyra didn't seem any different than any of the other Lyra's in fanon.

>Does everything make sense? This is one the points I'm paranoid about.

If something didn't make sense then I probably marked it.

>Are the jokes funny? I mean, enough to warrant the [Comedy] tag?

I marked the two that weren't funny, but you said in the chat that they weren't even supposed to be jokes, so sure.

>There are no outstanding grammatical errors, right?

There was the occasional semicolon that could've been swapped for a period, even though you never used them incorrectly. I recall the PRs mentioning this in a rejection letter once. Though I wouldn't worry about it.

I'd say it's ready for EqD.

5093

>>5090

An infinite number of thanks—you really, really helped me out. With any luck, I'll soon be back to share with you the fruits of my exploits. Dankeschön.

Review request: Twilight's Odyssey, Chapter 3 5121

Well met, denizen of /fic/! My name is DemPonies and I humbly request of thee a review of my latest chapter:

Title: Twilight's Odyssey (Chapter 3)

Author: DemPonies

Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe

Synopsis: In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power, a young Twilight Sparkle loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion that will take her far beyond the borders of Equestria itself—and change the fates of both her nation and her life, forever.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DJMW0jwJIR2P1VxMS0wXowZbcXUWN_ah3i-IokaHwzM/edit

If you feel that you're in need of some background, you can always find the previous two chapters here: (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24518/1/twilights-odyssey/chapter-1-summer-sun) or read this tl;dr version:

In an alternate Equestria that isn't ruled by Celestia or Luna, filly Twilight walks through Canterlot with her family during the Summer Sun Celebration. She gets separated from the rest of her family, and stumbles unto the tent of a sooth-sayer (who happens to be Trixie's mom) who shows her ominous visions of her future. Her brother interrupts the visions, and takes her back to their parents after breaking the news of his eventual departure to Saddle Point, Unicornia's top military academy. Reunited with her parents, Twilight participates in the raising of the sun for the first time, which inspires her to find out more about magic.

Some time passes, during which Twilight is her usually OCD self and reads entire libraries worth of knowledge about magic, until Twilight's family, due to her new-found fascination, surprises her by signing her up for a place at the Royal Academy of Magical Arts and Studies. At first she's, naturally, ecstatic but soon starts to freak out when she learns that she has to take an entrance exam. Eventually, Shining Armor manages to calm her down and he, together with their parents, spends the next few weeks helping her train for the exam. At the day of the exam itself, most things (despite her nervousness) goes rather well until she's asked to hatch a dragon egg. Twilight's magic flares up as a result, but (with no Celestia to calm her) she inadvertently causes the destruction of a tower, exhausting herself to a state of
unconsciousness. Princess Guinemare Platinum, the ruler of Unicornia, is called upon and asks to see Twilight the moment she awakes.


I'd recommend the full version, but I'm biased, of course ;)

Also, the chapter is about 5k and the two previous about 12.6k (together).

Thank you in advance!

5136

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>>5121
Okay, I'll probably start reading the first two chapters tomorrow later today, when I'm not dead tired. I'll try to get a summary of my thoughts on them before the end of the day. And then I'll start on the line by line review for chapter three.

Twilight's Odyssey ch 1 - review 5146

>>5121
All right, just finished chapter one. Here are my thoughts.

>Filly Twi doesn't really act or sound like a child in this. (And I say this as someone who volunteers at an organization similar to the Boy Scouts.) I guess you could brush it off as "She reads a lot," but I feel like that's kinda pushing it. I would suggest watching this episode of Extra Credits (if you don't mind the high-pitched voice) where they talk about how to portray child characters. http://youtu.be/SGH4VO73riY


>Your characterization of Shining Armor isn't very good. He doesn't really act believably as an older brother. If he plays any kind of importance to the story beyond this chapter, then I would strongly suggest watching a few episodes of Leave It To Beaver. I've always thought of Wally Cleaver as similar to Shining Armor.


Though I say this not really knowing any actual books that have older brother characters. Well, except for Stephen King's Stand By Me The Body, which is a terrible example.

Overall, despite what I mentioned, the "reader" in me liked it and would continue on to the next chapter.

Twilight's Odyssey ch 2 - review 5204

>>5121
So far so good. I was a bit worried about the part that happened on the show, but you kept it interesting.

I think I've figured out why your characterization of Shining Armor in chapter one isn't so good. See, when he yells at Twi and tries to be an authority figure, Twilight should've responded with disrespect, since Shining isn't her father and has no real authority over her. "You're not my dad." Or something along those lines.

Twilight's Odyssey - review 5334

>>5121
Okay, I finished chapter three. My comments are in the doc.

Do you want me to review chapter four when that's ready? My turnaround for that would hopefully be quicker for that.

Review acknowledgement 5340

>>5146
>>5204
>>5334

Thanks for the reviews!

Sure, I might throw Chapter Four in here once I'm done with it :)

It am I again 5671

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Hey there, Azusa! Remember me? Probably not.
I just wanted to tell you that you an add another story to your "Stories I've reviewed that made it to EqD" pile: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/05/story-jericho.html

Thanks for all the help you once gave me, mate!

5672

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>>5671

Ah! Yes, I almost forgot. When I saw this on EqD, it sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite remember.

Also, Compendium of Steve has gotten two stories on the blog that I've reviewed. I would edit the op to include them, but I lost my password when I got a new PC.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2013/04/story-beyond-boundaries.html
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/101054/for-the-craft ←-Why doesn't this have more views?


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