Here's a bit of advice: If you expect people here to read your story, you're going to have to do a bit of reading yourself. Namely, the stickied post at the top of /fic/ (>>158
). There's stuff you should know about posting here, like how to tag threads, where to get help for a story you're trying to write, etc. If you have questions, you can email me at the address in my name, since I'm locking the thread.
If that's not satisfying enough, here's some other advice, which I'm giving as a reader/writer and not a mod: Don't show people your "rough drafts." There's no point in having people point out things you already know if you're going to work on it anyways, and it wastes time and effort for all parties involved.
Welcome to /fic/, where you can't go three threads without tripping over some kind of help-authors-out thread or other.