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Anonymous 3788

"We were just on a simple flight test how could this happen!" ,said Commander Hill.

"It was just a simple military exercise. how did it go so wrong." He thought again.

Pacing around the wreck that was before him and the mutilated body's belonging to his former teammates. From what he could tell he was in a forest it seemed peaceful maybe a little to peaceful.

"How did I survive and not them." ,Hill muttered to himself.

Just then the bush rustled and a, lion scorpion? Launched itself out of the bush at the Commander. His hand fell to his holster, drew his five seven aimed it just at the beasts head and fired, it had no effect except the the fact that it got angrier. The creature lashed out at Hill again, putting four slashes in his stomach. He leaped into the wreckage of the charred, destroyed plane, he quickly slide under a broke piece of the plane, narrowly dodging a piece of steel that would have decapitated the Commander. He reached for the wall holding all of the weapons and gear, grabbed the L118A sniper. He proceeded to peak his head around the corner nothing was there. He scanned the forest floor once again and winced at the sharp pain in his chest and stomach. Hill needed to find someone to help him soon, he would bleed out soon or worse get thrashed by that creature. What had his son been telling him the week before, he was reading a story about mythical beast and this one seem to match what he called a Manticore. He witnessed the bloody carcass, that used to be his friend Claude, being ripped to shreds by the Manticore. He pull the rifle up putting it to his shoulder and fired hitting it in the side of the beasts hip it seem to do the trick, Or not it turned around not even paying attention to the pain from the bullet wound. It rushed him, Hill backed up. The Manticore couldn't fit into the small opening, Hill raised the Rifle again and fired right between its eyes he saw the life leave is eyes and then it proceeded to collapse. He went back inside, tripped over a steel rod jutting out of the wall of the plane, into a pool of blood, Just now realizing the full pain of the slashes in his stomach. Hill sat back up and looked over and saw Co-Pilot Philly, he had a steel rod stick up through his chest and blood coming out of his mouth, he made a weak moan and looked over at Hill, then fell unconscious, Hill heard some rhyming outside of the ruined plane. He got up stumbled a bit and looked outside of the plane, There was a Zebra standing there wearing a ragged old brown hood, and a bag slung over her back.

"Who is there?", said the Zebra.

Hill limped out of the plane tripped and landed face first, in front of the Zebra.
So many thoughts raced through his head, had he lost so much blood that he was hallucinating or was this really happening . He chose the latter half of the argument consuming his thoughts, as the Zebra walked closer he started to black out the last thing he saw was the Zebra standing over him with a confused look on its face.

Anonymous 3789

Its not finished yet this is just the prologue/first chapter

3791

I'm a little confuzzled. Are you sharing your story with us? If so, what's the title? Do we get a synopsis? Or, are you asking for editing help? If so, same questions. Or is there a third option?

Anonymous 3792

Greetings!

So..

Can I ask, what is it you're looking for? Review? Critique? Thoughts?

For any of these, it's a good idea to post to a review thread; there's a bunch listed in the sticky (there's a directory in it.)

Typically a one-off thread may take more time for a reviewer to get to instead of asking them directly.

And you ought to include things like a title, what you're planning to do with it, etc.

3793

File: 1359865012259.png (113.95 KB, 401x391, 230881__UNOPT__safe_raindrops.…)

>"We were just on a simple flight test how could this happen!" ,said Commander Hill.
Unnecessary comma.

>"It was just a simple military exercise. how did it go so wrong." He thought again.

You forgot to capitalize "How" and there should be a question mark after "wrong."

>Pacing around the wreck that was before him and the mutilated body's belonging to his former teammates.

Fragment

>From what he could tell he was in a forest it seemed peaceful maybe a little to peaceful.

Okay, you just told us that he's in a forest and that it's peaceful instead of showing it.

>"How did I survive and not them."

Robotic

>,Hill muttered to himself.

Unnecessary comma.

>Just then the bush rustled and a, lion scorpion?

Cut the comma. This isn't a question. Fragment.

>Launched itself out of the bush at the Commander.

Fragment Though I suppose that it was supposed to be part of the lest sentence.

>His hand fell to his holster,

Hand? Don't you mean hoof?

>it had no effect except the the fact that it got angrier.

Tell

>putting four slashes in his stomach.

Dry

>…destroyed plane,

Tell and this should be a period.

>He reached for the wall holding all of the weapons and gear, grabbed the L118A sniper.

New paragraph

>He proceeded to peak his head around the corner nothing was there.

peak* Also, tell.

>Hill needed to find someone to help him soon, he would bleed out soon or worse get thrashed by that creature.

Captain Obvious

>What had his son been telling him the week before,

New paragraph and change this to a question mark.

>He pull the rifle up…

Tense change.

>…and fired hitting it in the side of the beasts hip

Comma after fired and period after hip.

>…it seem to do the trick,

period

>It rushed him,

New paragraph. period

>The Manticore couldn't fit into the small opening,

period

>Hill raised the Rifle again and fired right between its eyes

period

>he saw the life leave is eyes and then it proceeded to collapse.

Consider changing "is eyes" to "them".

>He went back inside,

New paragraph

>Hill sat back up and looked over and saw Co-Pilot Philly,

comma before "Philly" and period after.

>he had a steel rod stick up through his chest and blood coming out of his mouth,

period

>he made a weak moan and looked over at Hill, then fell unconscious,

period

>Hill heard some rhyming outside of the ruined plane.

New paragraph

>He got up stumbled a bit and looked outside of the plane,

Commas after "up" and "bit" and period after "plane."

>"Who is there?", said the Zebra.

Unnecessary comma.

>Hill limped out of the plane tripped and landed face first, in front of the Zebra.

Unnecessary comma.

>So many thoughts raced through his head,

period

>had he lost so much blood that he was hallucinating or was this really happening .

Question mark

>He chose the latter half of the argument consuming his thoughts,

period

>with a confused look on its face.

her* Also, tell.


After reading this, I can safely say that it is most definitely not ready for Equestria Daily. I would suggest looking through a few of the many writing guides on this site. Maybe pick up a good book or two.

Anonymous 3794

I'm looking for critique see what I need to do to improve it

Anonymous 3795

Can you elaborate on tell?

3796

File: 1359865794015.png (196.72 KB, 295x445, Raindrops131943006253.png)

>>3795
This >>3490 and the post after it >>3498 should help. Though it takes awhile to grasp the concept when you're first starting out.
This post was edited by its author on .

Anonymous 3797

Thanks this is my first story and I only started this morning so I'd say I did better than I thought I would have

Anonymous 3798

and I do mean hand this is a alt. universe story humans meeting ponies
I've always loved reading these so I thought I'd make my own

3799

>>3798
Welcome aboard, then. Always nice to see new authors try their hand. Take a look at Azusa's post there, and you're on a good start.

Azusa!fG2qnvpWXU 3800

>>3797
As a first story this is all right. You seem to at least sort of grasp the concept of good pacing.

Anonymous 3801

Thank you this is my first time even looking at the /fic/ board on mlpchan

Anonymous 3802

Here is my revised version

"We were just on a simple flight test. How could this happen!" said Commander Hill.

"It was just a simple military exercise. how did it go so wrong." He thought again.

Pacing around the wreck that was before him and the mutilated body's belonging to his former teammates. From what he could tell he was in a forest it seemed peaceful maybe a little to peaceful.

"How did I live through that horrific crash and not rest of my comrades." ,Hill muttered to himself.

Just then the bush rustled and a, lion scorpion? Launched itself out of the bush at the Commander. His hand fell to his holster, drew his five seven aimed it just at the beasts head and fired, it had no effect except the fact that rage started to explode from the beast. The creature lashed out at Hill again, putting four gruesome marks in his stomach. He leaped into the wreckage of the charred, destroyed plane, he quickly slide under a broke piece of the plane, narrowly dodging a piece of steel that would have decapitated the Commander.

He reached for the wall holding all of the weapons and gear, grabbed the L118A sniper. He proceeded to peak his head around the corner nothing was there. He scanned the forest floor once again and winced at the sharp pain in his chest and stomach. Hill needed to find someone to help him soon, he would bleed out soon or worse get thrashed by that creature.

What had his son been telling him the week before? He was reading a story about mythical beast and this one seem to match what he called a Manticore. He witnessed the bloody carcass, that used to be his friend Claude, being ripped to shreds by the Manticore. He pull the rifle up putting it to his shoulder and fired hitting it in the side of the beasts hip it seem to do the trick, Or not it turned around not even paying attention to the pain from the bullet wound. It rushed him, Hill backed up. The Manticore couldn't fit into the small opening, Hill raised the Rifle again and fired right between its eyes he saw the life leave is eyes and then it proceeded to collapse. He went back inside, tripped over a steel rod jutting out of the wall of the plane, into a pool of blood, Just now realizing the full pain of the slashes in his stomach. Hill sat back up and looked over and saw his Co-Pilot ,Philly. He had a steel rod stick up through his chest and blood coming out of his mouth. He made a weak moan and looked over at Hill, then fell unconscious, Hill heard some rhyming outside of the ruined plane. He got up stumbled a bit and looked outside of the plane. There was a Zebra standing there wearing a ragged old brown hood, and a bag slung over her back.

"Who is there?" said the Zebra.

Hill limped out of the plane tripped and landed face first, in front of the Zebra.
So many thoughts raced through his head, had he lost so much blood that he was hallucinating or was this really happening . He chose the latter half of the argument consuming his thoughts, as the Zebra walked closer he started to black out the last thing he saw was the Zebra standing over him with a confused look on her face.

Anonymous 3803

and I'll post Zecora's P.O.V soon enough

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 3981

>>3803
Is this an ongoing story thread? You should tag it. I recommend editing the OP to include the tags
[ #Single fic] and [ #Ongoing] (just type them without the spaces.


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