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Applejinx's Neither Flesh, Fowl Nor Good Red Herring IC Review Thread Applejinx !tDashiepow 33

Howdy! This ain't the first Applejinx IC review thread. Ponychan's on its second one, and handles the majority of fics (and is where the Google Docs points to). FIMchan has always had one, specifically for handling clopfictions and stuff that Ponychan couldn't take.

Since mlpchan's fic has no particular bias for or against adult content so long as you just link to it, let's do something unique to mlpchan for this version. How's this?

Introducin' the Verse thread!

That's not to say you got to talk in verse- no, the idea here is, this is for crittin' fics where the intention is to take the EXISTING MLP:FIM show and extrapolate it- neither sticking strictly to what the show's allowed to do, nor entirely replacing it with subverted versions like FIW, nor going off to deal with OCs with the mane cast in supporting roles.

Call it a masterclass, special emphasis on folks who are trying to include ALL the mane cast ponies and write plots based on their personality interaction.

Remember, the rule is not 'nobody could call it OOC'! I will assume you mean to shift a few details and run with it as the differences spread out to affect the whole story. I'll try to work out what axioms shifted and I'll try to see in what ways the rest of the MLP universe persists- in particular, if you're able to hold on to kindness, friendship, caring (even in a grimdark or noir 'verse) that will get high marks.

Th' point is, rather than keep the names and revamp everything else, or keep the characters but switch out the whole underlying mood, in this thread we switch out fundamental things (sexuality, violence, maybe death?) while trying to hang on to the SOUL of MLP:FIM.

If you succeed, a few ponies will jes' hate you and lambaste you for getting it so wrong, but a lot of other folks will latch on to your work and follow it avidly- and you'll have a Verse, one that you can say is basically Equestria (and one where you can get the same sense of security and comfort in love and friendship!) but which also has added elements that you CANNOT see on the Hub.

Welcome to mlpchan's specialized version of this thread, if anypony is up for the masterclass challenge!

Applejinx !tDashiepow 36

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>>33 (OP)
As I've said on ponychan, I also see this as a good spot to gather together specifically longform writers' issues and talk about what we're up to when we try to sustain momentum over a novel-length work…

And since there are two other IC-crit threads to serve ponies, here's the rule for this one. Maybe the ONLY rule. We'll see.

Both the Nebula and Hugo awards have a minimum length requirement of forty thousand words. That's a lil' ridiculous to call longform- hell, Short Skirts and Explosions practically has forty thousand word CHAPTERS- but we'll take that as the bare minimum for what you could call a 'novel'…

In order to post AT ALL in this thread, you have to have written forty thousand words of poni fiction in total, up publically on the internet where people can see it.

Or, use one of the other threads. I WILL be checking.

>pic related to a lotta ponies' reactions thereof

Applejinx !tDashiepow 40

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>>39
>>38
Reported for deletion: this is offtopic AND you ain't got 40,000 words of poni fiction up anywhere I can see. NOT a way to persuade me, hijackin' a work thread.

Tactical 45

Is this the first and only thread on the—

Yes, yes it is.

Well, this is a funny idea. An exclusive club!

Perhaps not the best thing to breathe life into this board, but I'll be back when I qualify. There's some motivation to actually work at a respectable pace, there.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 48

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>>45
My idea is not to try and REPLACE anything, but to just continue to have a distinct and new idea. And you're the main writer I was thinking of when I was like 'argh, 40K leaves out folks I'd like to have', because you are already thinking like a novelist.

But part of that is being able to turn out th' chapters, so git crackin'! :D

Anonthony!EEEEEEEE2c 83

>>48
Successful user edit test.
This post was edited by its author on .

85

Hope you don't mind me abusing your thread for a minute to test out this newfangled edit feature, Jinx.


Sorry for doing the same to your post.
—!!Spike



Test
~!!AJ
This post was edited by a moderator on .

91

>>85
I… i feel violated…

94

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40k words huh

141

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oh god. I'm only a couple thousand words in.

This might take awhile.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 143

>>141
Wish I could watch threads here, I'm not checkin' up as much as I might…

True, but imagine how proud you'll be! And one thing about it is, it compels you to not sit rewritin' your first thing over and over- that's bad to do. Hop to it, my 'Rarity' sequel has hit 40K twice over and ain't even done yet! And that's only fifteen chapters. This IS the long-form thread.

I have to admit, it does also leave things open for folks who have a bunch of unrelated short stories, but no sense restrictin' things TOO much. Maybe some of them would like to take on a truly long form narrative?

Anonymous 144

>>143
Adding one is on the list.

Tactical DidntBringMyTrip 149

Jinx, you've inspired me to pound out 6000 words of the fic that was inspired by you in less than 72 hours.

I'm gonna wrap up this section, I'm gonna publish on fimfic, and that's gonna be my motivaion to keep pounding. Gotta give my readers the stream of content they desire once the first bits are out.

Amar!hEbITNyzxg 182

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10k + words later…

Applejinx !tDashiepow 420

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>>149
And… Tactical currently has 51,745 words of fanfic up on FIMfiction, and qualifies for the Verse Thread! I'm now going to start opening the thread in my launch tabs (since I can't watch it on MLPchan) to make sure I am aware of new posts.

Looking forward to being joined by more longform, or would-be longform, authors! Poni novels are GO!

Tactical StillWaitingForContestResults 422

hey so um i think your fimchan thread disappeared.

as I was saying, the fact that you are now actually *following* me means I'm tempted to write short TMB themed porn shorts, like, straight up I SPENT LIKE THREE HOURS ON THIS WHY AREN'T YOU MASTURBATING material. This has the added benefit of helping me pick up readers.

In the meantime I have two fun non cloppy things on the way. Then I'm gonna write a chapter of Cloudborn because the poor thing's feeling neglected. Then I'm gonna write my own take on a Scootaloo tragedy. Then either more Cloudborn or my aborted speedclop idea. Ugh… the disused idea board is getting crowded. I never did write that thing I thought about so long ago that would've been about younger days in Cloudsdale/flight school and also gildadash in the form of cute experimenting and also maybe coming out of the closet.

I might do the porn shorts in bursts of inspiration between Cloudborn and Scootabuse. I'm gonna work in a scene where Chaser gets her hooves on a stallion who's way kinky. Oh man. Oh maaaan.
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical StillWaitingForContestResults 423

well I have a 5000 word thing unpublished (part of the contest) to make up for the fact that the minific contest post aren't rightfully my words. I wrote about 1500 of them. I also have the beginning bits of two things, a shitty needs-full-rewrite draft of a third, and the paltry first couple lines of a new chapter.

Still, like I said, there's a pride to seeing myself writing stuff, getting stuff out there.
This post was edited by its author on .

Applejinx !tDashiepow 425

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>>422
It did not, it's still there! Maybe the previous one disappeared?

Scootabuse, hm? I have an OC appearing that might interest you. If all goes well, the launch will be early next week- chapter 3 dropped down a gear and started moving real slowly, but it was because a lot of stuff snuck in that I wasn't expecting. Tons of crucial stuff happening as you wait for Twi and Rarity to go to bed- some ground-rules need to be set. It's very on topic for this thread in that there's TONS of 'priming' for later story arcs- little details that fit with a sense of possibility.

Tactical 443

Yeah, Scootabuse! But the kind that's the author abusing Scootaloo, not the really nasty kind where somepony's hating on her.

She's got a single mom and she has this wonderfully (I think) authentic pre-adolescent energy to her, which basically means I'm writing something that almost feels immoral—I'm destroying that spirit. this is meant to be a vile, mean-spirited fic for the sole reason that I haven't done that yet so I might as well try. It should have a hopeful ending, because ending with the same amount of misery as the climax will just upset readers, but it will be about as uplifting as "hail, king of scotland." Bad endings should give hope and then destroy it—a bad ending that is just the logical conclusion to a grinding, depressing series of events is unsatisfying.

Unrelated (oh jesus—very unrelated) I'm having it so that male wingplay doesn't hold the same cultural weight due to the fact that it's just not done. There isn't a human equivalent but there wasn't one for wingplay in the first place.

Author, "Retelling" 457

Edit: Oh hell. This browser still calls me "author of Retelling?" Well, I'm Tactical. Dammit.

It's finally happened. Somepony has a reason to use this thread. Turns out it's me. Figures.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/49303/The-Ancient-Heart%5C%27s-First-Beating

This story is about how the goddess of love gave up her eternal life, effectively ending the immortal lifetime she'd shared with her sisters, in favor of a cycle of reincarnation.

The premise suggests a pantheon of alicorn godddesses. The feedback I've gotten says that throwing the alicorn OC in the reader's face with the opening hook makes it so that they don't know why they care about Ardor and why it's sad that she's leaving. After some soul-searching I have realized that this is entirely reasonable. I have Celestia in tears over losing a "sister" who's an OC and who doesn't yet make sense in the first paragraph of the fic. Not good.

The problem is that the framing device of this fic makes it difficult for me to take the time to develop a relationship between the reader, Celestia, and Ardor. The story is told in flashbacks as Celestia takes a trip to welcome a new incarnation to the world. I am considering simply starting the story a few days prior to where it begins now, with Celestia having recurring dreams about Ardor, starting with pleasant ones. I do this mainly because it doesn't require a thorough rewrite. But while Celestia is having recurring dreams, what's happening in the real world? The story was written this way because it's compact; it presents what it's going to say in a way that's as simple and effective as I can make it.

Feedback has also said that Celestia's internal monologue (i.e. the narrative voice) is too formal. This mostly annoys me. I wrote this all sappy and flowery and that's how it was supposed to sound god dammit.

I do have some "verse"-ish things to discuss about this pantheon of alicorns—some very interesting and fun things, actually—but for now, I'm going to use this space to verbally (because it doesn't count as vocally) think about how to make this work. Sorry—as I'm sure you've noticed, I tend to think in the form of writing boring monologues. Here's the beginning of a "verse" thing I need to think about—Ardor here isn't fully characterized; I didn't need her to be. I have her as being stubborn. Her sisters accuse her of being rash with her decision but she seems fairly stoic in practice. She is associated with love, sex, "passion" in a non-romantic context, and the element of fire. If I'm going to spend time characterizing her, I need to find a way to work that theme in a clear but nuanced way—not just a stereotype that could be associated with emotion and fire.

I put heart and soul into this story. In some ways this has more of my soul in it than Cloudborn. I want it to be good, and I'm narcissistic enough to think that other ponies will be happy to share it with me.
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Applejinx !tDashiepow 458

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>>457
Hmmm!
I'm noticing one thing- the beginning does feel 'secretive', like I am meant to be caught by mystery. I don't know quite what's happening. I do feel the power of the description, and it bodes well- I like the tone of this Princess Celestia very much. These are seriously royal Princesses, and that rings true for me.

My concern is simply that, to get a killer start for a book (and I'm not saying I always manage this myself!) you've got to anchor the reader in the known, and fill them with specific questions of what it might mean, where it might lead. I'm seeing a dramatic scene I don't understand. It raises questions but I have no context to place them in, and then raises even more questions until I'm reeling with confusion…

…and then the ending. Chills. Yes, you should be writing this.

Two points, one tiny, one larger- you don't need to adopt either, but these are my thoughts.

One: "watching her step through a portal of pure magic into a realm of pure magic" isn't great because you're repeating 'pure magic'. I'd just say 'step through a portal into'.

Two:
"Many generations ago, the Goddess of Love realized that she had forgotten love. She loved all the little ponies, of course, and she loved the land and its gifts, but secretly she longed to know love of the kind that the little ones felt for each other. She had never been a nursing foal, weak and utterly dependent upon love. Her body had never coursed with the lusty, foolish energy of youth. And, of course, she would never die in the arms of a lifelong mate."

This is your preamble. You've got to telegraph that much. Don't remove it from where it is- that's the moment that it all comes together, the moment I realized what you were doing. I should never have been sitting there frustrated and confused leading up to that point. It's the beginning of a repeating story. Put it into italics, like an epigraph leading off EVERYTHING, and throw those words up first.

This will do two things. It'll give just enough context that we know it's the Goddess of Love doing a desperate thing. It is not an evil alicorn being destroyed, not a villain being vanquished. Arguably Celestia and Luna are not 'Goddesses' of sun and moon, but that's a lesser issue and you can't very well call her 'the alicorn of love', what you have feels right.

The far more important thing it'll do is alert the reader, sensitize them when you KNOW you're about to leave them stunned. Use it in italics with an ellipsis… to show that the story is trailing off. Tell all the rest of it, just as you've done- I have no real gripe with any of it, just that it's holding back so much. Then, when we reach the end section, and those words happen again, but they go ON and we hear the rest of it? I guarantee that it's okay to telegraph that it's about Goddess of Love, it's okay to allow readers to guess that maybe it's something to do with Cadance and so on- because they must read your words to have their suspicions confirmed, and they MUST wonder these things more directly, not be distracted by a wider range of possibility.

And then, when they finish the chapter, they'll be yours.

As I am. *doffs hat* Write this, Tactical. This is god-damned wonderful.

Are you okay with the fact that ponies- myself included- will want to see the story begin anew somehow? With another alicorn born? And to follow the new life? It's okay if you can't do that, but this is just stupidly good and you might really need to not let go of it so easily. The main problem is that you'd immediately move beyond FiM era into the near or distant future, with the only remaining characters the Princesses. But you've got 'em so good, and it suggests the story would revolve around them and their relationship with the next 'mortal alicorn of love'…

Applejinx !tDashiepow 459

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>>457
…and yes, I read the story cold. I didn't really check your post for the explanation. I'm glad I didn't, now, because my experience was that of a normal reader.

Auth--Tactical, dammit 460

>>458



… Okay! Well, now that I'm finished with the old "yes yes yes" dance, let me take a minute to think about how I can re-do that opening.

So, start with the beginning of the bedtime story. The hook is this mysterious story out of context, and it foreshadows the whole story's payoff, which is the second or third to the last paragraph. I understand this idea, but I don't think it covers the feedback about Ardor being introduced before she makes sense. Maybe if the readers are already guessing that she's Cadence, it'll help, but I'm not convinced that that's enough to make the nightmare you see in the beginning make sense.

I think I've seen you giving this very advice to others: make the reader have an opinion about what's going on, because this informs how they feel about the story's events.

Last night I composed an opening in my head that looked something like this, added before what's already there. I'm not sure about starting with two weird out-of-body scenes, so I'm considering using the foreshadowing to the bedtime story as the synopsis. It's the same effect, I think.
===========================
Snips of pleasant dreams about Ardor, showing her depression towards the end. The whole thing is no less vague and hiding-stuff-from-the-reader, but it lets us know about Ardor before insisting that we understand Celestia caring about her so much. This is where we hear lines like "I was not meant to be a timeless sentinel" rather than the way they are now.

Transplant the first couple lines about Celestia waking up in the middle of the night here. Celestia consults Luna about these dreams, but can't remember them really. Lines come out like "Do you think this means she's coming back?" Luna can't know for sure, but she suspects as much.

Add just a few lines to the nightmare that it's not in medias res.

This time, when Celestia wakes up, she's all but sure what's going on, and the letter only confirms it.
=============
I was worried that this would flick between scenes too rapidly, and with two dreams in a row the reader might not get that the last two scene jumps are actually reality. Worse, the story now keeps the reader guessing for even longer. Perhaps this time I'll write out what the letter says.

The PR said this story had a lot of infodumping in it. FUCK that. The bit about the "misdirection" of the chariot and the bit about folding space were infodumping. Boring physical description and is not infodumping. *snarl*

Auth--Tactical, dammit 461

>>458
I did intend to continue this story, but for a different reason. I wanted to discuss Celestia and Luna's relationship with Summer and Winter, then Water. Maybe I'd also write another one about Ardor (Fire) before she started to feel the way she did here. As for following the life of an incarnation, I'm not sure what needs to be said there. The most complicated question how she's supposed to go out and live a normal life when the fact that the last time something like this happened was about 150-200 years ago. Beyond that, the intention at least is for her to live as normal a life as possible, albeit a comfortable one.

I'd be writing some weird slice-of-life like those drama shows with supernatural elements in them. In the pre-Twilight era, I mean. Nowadays "supernatural soap opera" means something different. Or maybe I'd have some Smallville stuff going on with this incarnation being smarter than the others and realizing that Celestia and Luna are delivering her a prepared speech when she goes to them for advice, and they're holding something back.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 462

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>>460
It doesn't matter what they think of Ardour, only that something will be about a Goddess of Love making a terrible sacrifice. The beginning of that story of yours would work perfect- anything else you do is kinda up to you. And repeating it alerts the reader to pay attention, that this will now explain everything (which it does).
Don't sweat the prereaders. You're in the realm of high art, now, pony ;)

Tactical 463

>don't sweat the prereaders

And I had my heart so set on this being the fic for me to whorse for viewers with! I guess you're right, though. I wrote this, and THIS is the way I wrote it. If Ardor's introduction is good enough for you, I won't argue. "I also understand now that you've phrased it that way how introducing it with "this is a story about a Goddess" helps it quite a bit.

Now for the reason I thought this conversation was one for this thread.

If I were to make this into a series, it would be all headcanon-wanking about gods and the four elements and balance and such nonsense. I've got passion/fire here, along with day&night/air. The others are knowledge/death/water and summer&winter/earth.

This is interesting to ME but the idea came from a more intellectual place and doesn't have the drive that this one did. I'm likely not to even write this, but I can't help but be interested in questions like: What personality traits does, say, Summer have? What is Water's relationship with Ardor like? What is Winter's name?

The next thing I'm gonna write is kinda brainlessly fun so I guess this is filling a gap. After that maybe some hardcore porn.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 464

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>>463
Well, bear in mind my concept for the thread is longform- so the 'series' part becomes completely relevant, the wankery-factor maybe not as necessary as you'd think :)

Tactical 466

Okay, I was staring at AJ's plot for quite a while trying to figure out what was going on in that picture.

I was all "no… Can't be…" and then it made sense, but those 15 seconds of confusion were just great.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 467

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>>466
hee, hee… I always love that one. I swear it's an unadulterated screenshot- but the WHOA NELLY factor is surely high!

All like what, you don't like my APPLES?

Applejinx !tDashiepow 473

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I've seen in another thread, on ponychan, discussion of longform work being boring, taking a couple chapters to explain the story's world. Launching a long-form narrative is certainly within the scope of this thread and I invite any questions about this- to prime things, here's a thought for you. Have you ever considered that in starting something as massive as a huge novel or novel series, you cannot turn the whole mechanism over at once? It's not like a truck engine, more like a jet engine in that you have to spin it up before it catches.

Another useful parallel is that of a bootloader. Fallout:Equestria manages this brilliantly. We instantly are handed the situation of a little pony with a crush on her idol, venturing out into the unknown with the goal of rescuing her hopefully-special somepony. Right away, we know what she's attempting, we know what she wants, we're not sure how that's going to work. It's a truly wonderful example of the bootloader principle in that the relationship promised in chapter one has little to do with the rest of the story—but there's plenty there to grab hold of, and it distracts our attention while information is rapidly planted. This is How You Do It.

Tactical 474


What a lovely piece of advice, actually.

The grand twist and the setup for the yawning, meticulously worldbuilding'd setting can wait. Start the story with a character and a motivation/conflict, start with some show-don't-tell on the setting so that when you get to where it's time to explain boring shit, you don't have to work so hard at creating an image or atmosphere; the general idea is already there.

I wish I'd had the experience that I do now when I started The Sixth Age. It was such a good idea, but the idea was seeded by massive amounts of worldbuilding wankery way before I knew the actual theme/meaning of the story. "cyberpunk ponies" was a good enough idea, but deciding on an atmosphere and tone is different from deciding on a meaning.

Lesson: Worldbuilding can be the seed of a story, but you need to get a handle on the reason, the message, the aesop at the end before the threads can come together.

Tactical 475

I've noticed a troubling habit in myself for reusing idioms and letting little "verse" elements cross between fics. I use Earther, Peg, and Uni universally, I just reused "explosion of *magic color* fire," I'm finding myself referring to the Princesses as Goddesses when—even though that's my headcanon—there's no reason for even the narrator to refer to them as such in the strict-canon universe where nopony thinks of them that way. I'm sure there are lots more things that I just haven't caught yet, and I'm all but certain that if I were to write more clop I'd end up making the scenes look sorta the same because they're largely drawing on personal experience.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 476

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>>475
Sounds like the 'Goddesses' thing might be worth keeping an eye on- but even with that, certainly with the other stuff, maybe you're just being uncomfortable about what will become your style (which IS a function of repetition, not really a suit you consciously put on). If stuff is sneaking naturally into your work, let it.

Of course, you can fret over whether any particular element is going over with (for instance) EqD prereaders, but that only underscores that you've got real choices to make, and what you're going to be loyal to: a creative muse that may be still uncertain of itself, or some gatekeeper you don't even know who doesn't owe you a thing and has no special love for you or this muse. Choose thoughtfully- I'm not gonna say 'wisely' because it's real debatable what constitutes 'wisely' there. Choose what you're gonna be faithful to, and if there's consequences to that, take 'em.

Tactical 477

But there's something to be said for not letting elements needlessly cross between unrelated fics, right? I mean, some things are inevitable—if you have a strong opinion about Pinkie, you'll write her that way unless you're pointedly writing her in a more slapstick style or whatever.

For example: You saw TMB Dash bleed into Assault Unit. That was completely needless and under different circumstances it might even be distracting—I cut it, partially. There's still a little whisper of it.

I'm writing something fun and shippy right now that has absolutely no business drawing influence from anywhere but strict canon and universal fanon. Sure the attitude and tone from my personal influences is gonna slip in, but I should definitely avoid, just for example, using terms like "cloudborn" or mentioning that pegasi tend to talk too loud. These are "verse" elements that are mine, and they should stay in fics that share genes with the places where those elements were born.

This won't come up in this one, but in future fics there's every chance that I'll also have reason to bite back on things like "Gilda and Dash were flight school sweethearts." And that's full-on show headcanon for me, but canon didn't say it, so in a fic where it's not relevant, I feel like Gilda and Dash should just be friends.

Random thought: If I'm writing a shipfic, and the two characters ARE MAKING OUT RIGHT THERE IN THE COVER PIC, does it ruin my ability to make them seem like an unlikely couple that starts out hating each other? I mean, just the fact that they're the two main characters is a giveaway, kind of like how in a movie you can tell who's going to end up with who the first time they interact in any way. But it just seems like I'll be working them up as they get to like each other only to have the audience say "well YEAH." It's even worse than like I described in the movie because there's no chance for a different outcome. Am I then obligated to do SOMETHING as a twist?
This post was edited by its author on .

Applejinx !tDashiepow 478

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>>477
I think you can use a cover pic from anywhere in the story, but it might spoil some developments :) and sure, all your fics don't HAVE to draw on the same elements, just don't be alarmed if elements recur: there's no sense trying to invent a new writer for every situation, allow some repetition of things that matter to you.

Tactical 479

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Jinxie help me

I had this great idea for shipping with a novel and fun couple, plus some ideas for how the story could be interesting, and it even has a pic and this is the one with the musical and everything

And THEN I got excited about THIS idea and it's so much more unique and special with such potential

what do i doooooo

Applejinx !tDashiepow 480

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>>479
What is that strange creature?

Tactical 481

It's Megan!

http://fim.413chan.net/mlp/src/129884368758-megan.png

She returns to Equestria, maybe because they need her to defeat an ancient evil like she did so long ago, or maybe because she discovered a piece of her magical pony past and it magically brought her there.

Maybe she's 35 years old now with a young daughter who also likes ponies, and she desperately wants to get back home to her. And she finds herself in this impossible fantasy world that she hasn't seen for so long. Maybe her body becomes that of a little girl again when she comes to Equestria. Or maybe there's a Narnia-like thing going on, and 5000 years passed in a matter of weeks for her!

GOD THIS IDEA IS SO INTERESTING
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Applejinx !tDashiepow 482

File: 1349942360659.png (396.64 KB, 538x624, Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 2.41…)

>>481
Heh- upon much reflection I gotta say, if you're not just being silly and you're actually caught up in that idea (and not like 'lol G1'), then you oughta pursue it. I won't because it totally doesn't grab me, but that's kind of the point- if it grabbed you there must be a reason, and that's all the purchase you need.

Tactical 483

I seriously am taken with this idea, yeah.

My enthusiasm only increased when I realized that the idea was basically identical to Hook.

I have two general writing problems with this that aren't relevant to how not-enthusiastic anypony is about G1 or HiE or the fact that it's Hook with ponies.

One: This is as ambitious as fuck. I need to balance a lot of tone/emotional elements, have a very detailed plot that shows off said elements, and make every logical step click into place without plot holes. I've done nothing but oneshots for… actually my entire poni career, so this is terrifyingly new ground.

Two: I haven't been a 40 year old woman yet. So turning my narrative voice into one that befits a 40 year old woman will be a challenge. Like, what should I do? I COULD let myself slip into an ultra-casual tone, all conversational with the reader, but I'd lose the aspect of really letting the reader know that she's not young—a lot older than even the adults in the audience.

Okay, actually a third: I am still attached to the other one for a bunch of reasons. Not least of all because writing clop was a lot of fun, along with the fact that the fic's gonna be very lighthearted and happy. We all know what a stupid idea it is to try to write two things…

Applejinx !tDashiepow 484

File: 1350218639942.png (68.08 KB, 264x254, Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2.37…)

Sounds like you're workin' on these…

Tactical 487

THEY ARE BOTH THE HARDEST EVER.

The simple idea I'm thinking of diverting myself for is "Twilight Is Emo Cyclops." She has a close call with her magic, and becomes withdrawn, though she won't admit the reason why to herself or anyone else.

I also want to write about Rainbow Dash's childhood—experimenting with Gilda, getting to know Fluttershy and liking her despite their differences, and more about cloud culture. But that story needs to be told in 10,000 words, not just 4000.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 488

>>487
I wrote half again that much since the beginning of this month. Hyah! Go git 'em pony!

Tactical 489

>>488

You and your… encouragement and your… being a constant example to look up to and… your… all… slight shaming but in a positive way.

You know what, though, I'll write a quick thing that's about that, just so that I can feel like I'm actually writing, and I'll make sure it can act as a hook to flow into a story… as soon as I think of a conclusion and meaning to the story beyond "Rainbow Dash's Childhood." Wait, no, I think I just thought o fit.

God dammit, Jinx!

Tactical 491

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18VJfukVYE3yMPbl03mC28UtYndMpYs-KYkDASPcNNQk/edit

I would say “don't be gentle” but really there isn't much of a difference either way. I wrote this by humming nonsense to myself, putting words to it, then making sure it could be read with a very simple cadence.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 493

File: 1350548205766.png (68.08 KB, 264x254, Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2.37…)

>>491
Seems like a neat hook- the actual song puzzled me when it stopped rhyming in a pattern I could recognize. From "And she hears it still—" I couldn't work out how it was put together. Rhythms might be looser in a song but rhyme structures are likely to be pretty damn strict. You started with basically ABAB, loosely (time/life isn't quite a rhyme but it's a slant rhyme- totally legit if the meaning is natural and works.)

Near as I can tell, they've had to give roles to Twi's ex and Octavia's on the strengths of exceptional auditions? You might need to load up that decision further by having the other auditioners openly suck, because working producers will know to avoid nightmare drama situations like that. Either they're experienced, in which case they'd run from that lineup, or they're inexperienced in which case they'll more wonder 'DO I have to?'. For them to be certain that they must choose diva or too-related performers is a false note unless their hooves are really forced.

Possible reasons for vetoing other ponies:
-demanding high salaries and showing even worse ego than Trixie
-revealing conflicts in scheduling and committment
-stage fright and panic
-refusing to take a role unless other decisions are made a certain way, like 'I won't work unless X is dropped from the cast!'
-history of failing to meet committments
Stuff like that?

Tactical 494

>having to give roles to Twi's ex and
Wait what? When did I imply that they—

>and Octavia's on the

Holy crap I did not realize I had done that. God dammit!

Twi's co-director was originally Lyra. I changed my mind after most of this was already written.

Damn damn! I didn't realize I'd be fighting against TaviScratch shipping goggles! That IS an interesting angle of course, and maybe I ought to use it, just to do you proud. In fact… now that you've pointed it out… I see it too.

Poignant things like that weren't the original intent, though. The elements that made me want to write this story are 1) the amusingly novel shipping, 2) the aspect of developing the events of the play along with the story proper, 3) a kind of cartoony "drama" about the cast being completely insubordinate with Trixie and Scratch as ringleaders.

The reluctance to cast Scratch isn't so serious. It's the little clash with Tavi's authority, plus the understanding that this is the two out-of-control personalities in the two lead roles.

Regarding rhyme structures: I decided on the rhyming scheme (or lack of one) after listening to this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2QHGFVSu-U

and this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOYnD0jAu20

Time/Life weren't supposed to rhyme at all. The first song I linked has the occasional rhyme but no discernible system to it at all; the second has something like you see with the confusing bits, stanzas that get wrapped up by a non-rhyme.

That said, the bit that you pointed out really does screw with the structure. I'll try to make it a little more sensible. In fact I have all kinds of dissatisfactions with it now argh
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Applejinx !tDashiepow 549

If I can get thread-watching, I'll be monitoring this thread (the 'novelist' thread) for posts, but I am finding in some ways the OP rules are too high a bar. I'm real happy with the posters who've qualified but there are just not enough.

Consider the thread rules to stand: you need to have forty thousand words (preferably on a consistent story world, but collected short works also qualifies) and the desire to attempt a long-form work, either a book or series of books.

Tactical!fRainBOoMw 568

I've been trying to write. I have tabs permanently open with a couple of ideas in them. I have at least one discarded idea that still gnaws at me.

Even my not-a-changeling-clopfic, the one I *have* to write, is still barely started no matter how much time I spend thinking about it and staring at it. I'm easily distracted yes, but there was a time when getting the words to flow just came to me, and not any more.

I want to be a writer. I want to write things and have people read them.

This is deeply depressing in ways that I don't quite know how to deal with. Writing ponyfic was something that helped during rough spots in my life, and it's almost as if it's blocked off to me.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 575

File: 1352161920988.png (52.41 KB, 194x208, Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2.25…)

>>568
Easy there. Things are cyclical, ride it out, don't freak. I've seen you write before: such things don't burn out like fuses, they wander off in search of candy and buried treasure. Might be pleasantly surprised when the ol' muse turns back up.

Pseudo Echo 621

File: 1352184218633.png (405.01 KB, 1496x1056, PinkiePie_drinking (My Little …)

I… ah… I'm kind of interested in getting commentary from AJ, but— well— I don't know.

I've released some joke-y fics lately. I'd like feedback. Yet I'm pretty sure that AJ will just despise them from the get-go.

Applejinx !tDashiepow 628

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>>621
Hang on- I'll get th' non-novelist thread up. Guess it will end up being the 'main' IC-review thread, just capable of handling NSFW alongside SFW! (AS IT SHOULD BE)

Eustatian!Wings60m9. 631

>>628
Only issue with this is (as I understand the rules) is that tagging is per-thread, not per post, so a thread that handles the two side-by-side needs #Mature . You're much too good to ghettoize like that. Three 'Jinx threads? I think the board can handle that much awesome, just link 'em together via their OPs.

640

>>631
That seems an adequate solution. And since they can all be edited, new editions can be updated in the OPs of the other two.

All at Sea 1617

I'm fairly:

Uncomfortable when it comes to communicating with other folks, but finding myself in a bit of quandary with my latest story and remembering that you'd mentioned this board in one of your blog posts at FiMFiction, I thought I'd see if this might be the sort of thing you'd had in mind when you started this place.

My two Pony novels, Half the Day is Night and An Infinite Number of Pinkies, gained 6-stars and 4-stars respectively at Equestria Daily, and my longish short story "The Birth of Harmony" ended up with 5-stars over there. The thing I've just finished, though, "In Their Highnesses' Clandestine Corps," a 26,000 word light romance/adventure fic featuring Prince Blueblood as the Equestrian equivalent of James Bond and Rainbow Dash playing the part of Tracy Draco, has just gotten its second strike from EqD's pre-readers—I suppose I should mention that http://www.fimfiction.net/user/AugieDog is where you can find these and all my Pony fic.

Both the pre-readers I've had notes from have said they liked the story, but they seem to find my syntax awkward. I went through after the first strike and rewrote most of the sentences where I'd used initial absolute clauses and also reinserted the conjunctions I'd elided, but that doesn't seem to have been enough and, well, I've only got one more shot at this here.

I'll be spending the next couple days combing through the story one more time to see how I can further simplify the writing, but would you be willing to give it a read? Or could you recommend somewhere else I could go for a critique? Like I said, I don't get out much in the whole Pony fan community, so I'm pretty much unfamiliar with where things are.

Thanks for any help you can give,
Mike

1620

Wow.

That was confusing.

Edit: The thread getting bumped, not your story.
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1627

>>1620

I'm trying to think:

If I've ever posted to a "chan" before. Maybe I did once about a year and a half ago over on fimchan, so I'm not quite sure what the rules are or how things get bumped or anything like that.

Anyway, I'm sorry I made things confusing. It seems to be one of my skills.

Mike Again

Anonymous 1628

>>1627
Not a problem. Happy to help you out if we can.

1629

>>1627

What was confusing is the fact an Applejinx thread with a big ol' Applejack picture on it was hanging around on the front page for a long time, and now there are two.

Oh!

This particular board's a little odd. Go to settings, in the top right, and turn off your mature filter. It hides threads with objectionable subject matter.

## Mod 1630

File: 1354185237306.png (31.52 KB, 500x500)

Keep in mind that turning off the mature filter means you see the mature threads. That's what it's for, for filtering out the mature threads. Hence, "mature filter."


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