Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, to the special of a lifetime! Tonight, I, your host, will be delivering a never-before-seen double feature reviewing!
My two wonderful volunteers have graciously offered their stories to me, and after many moons I have finally arrived at the conclusion of my efforts!
So, on to the reviews!
←———————-→Friendship Isn’t All That Sexual, by Sectus
Mmmmm. This strange title beckons for some good, well-formulated comedy. But alas, read on to see your fortune.Plot & Storytelling
Wow, um. Really, that’s all I can say. And it’s not a good thing. Grammar & Mechanics
Let’s start at the beginning.
One of the biggest issues that I encountered going through your story was the abundance of tell. Now, I’m betting that you already know what “tell” means. But I just can’t resist elaborating a bit so that you have another avenue to look at this criticism.
You see, there were two friends. Their names were Show and Tell. One day, Show bore a wide smile on his face as he entered the local tavern. Unbeknownst to him, Tell was already at the bar, feeling rather depressed. Because of this depression, he had been drinking for several hours.
Now, Show waltzed up to his friend and tapped Tell’s shoulder lightly. “Why so glum, chap?”
“I feel like shit.”
“Well, that can’t be too bad.”
“It feels really bad.”
Long story short, Tell was not a very happy man. And this is my point: pay close attention to how I set up Show vs. Tell. Where when narrating Show, I used precise body language to give hints as to what Show must be feeling. But with Tell, I outright said what he was feeling and completely ignored what his body language said.
That’s the biggest thing that I saw. You constantly told me what Spike was feeling throughout the day, and even glossed over what seemed like major events just by outright saying what happened. Don’t do that! Keep going! Show us exactly what happened and include a lot more body language. Readers want an image given to them. They don’t want to have to make up an image on their own.
Next up is your scene transitions, which pretty much branches off what I said earlier. Let me show you (oh hey; Show’s back!) what I mean:
> In about five minutes, Spike and Twilight had reached the town square. It hadn't been easy, and they had both managed to bump into several ponies, offering many subsequent apologies before arriving at their destination.
This is the transition into your second major scene. I’m not gonna lie to you: this is really weak.
Let’s break it down.
>In about five minutes
No. Never start a scene like this. It’s basically telling the reader that you’re too lazy to elaborate on the events. What if, because you actually showed us (there’s that word again!), it allowed you to expand and elude on what was to follow. You know, foreshadowing.
>It hadn’t been easy […] arriving at their destination.
Ironically, this opening is a lot like bumping into bad things before getting to any actual point. Again, show, don’t tell.
And the same goes with your other scene transitions, too. It made me feel like there was a lot of time passing, a few days, in fact.
Moving on to your next big issue, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You know, that fancy-schmancy thing that both PRs and reviewers dislike with a passion. Well, most of them, but I digress.
You see, I would be totally fine if it only happened a couple of times. But it was ALL OVER THE PLACE (I’m exaggerating, of course). Find other ways to describe the characters. Who knows? You might have fun with it!
Other than that, there’s some logical gaps within the narrative, so check the comments in your doc, linked below.
I know you requested a grammar check, so I did my pest to find what I could. Thing is, I’m not the best on grammar, but there were a couple of awkward sentences here and there, and a few word choice problems.Overall
Otherwise, it’s pretty solid.
My thoughts on this are pretty … bad. While the grammar and general style (I’m using “general” very loosely) were decent, there was a lot wrong with the flow from action to action, place to place, scene to scene.
You’d do well to expand this story as well as give Spike some actual purpose. As it stands, he’s basically a puppet and in no way affects the story at all besides the opening stuff. That’s a big problem.
Take care with the edits, and cheers!
←———————→To Tartarus And back, by Mad-Mutt
…I don’t know what to say about this one. Being random, I can’t really … um, figure things out in a clear manner.
But I’ll try.Plot & Storytelling
Storytelling-wise, this thing is the most backwards, random thing I’ve read. The pace was obnoxiously fast, the characters (well, Twilight and Dash) were deliciously OOC for a good chunk of it, and throughout it all, I found myself not even relatively close to finding out what the heck was going on.Grammar & Mechanics
The title had me fooled into believing this was an adventure story.
Boy, was I wrong.
There was a couple things, mainly in the beginning, but that’s about it for the major issues spotted in the beginning, and carried out through the rest of the fic.
In all honesty, I was so confused that I may or may not have skipped over a few things. Maybe that was your goal. Maybe it wasn’t. Overall
I don’t really know, nor do I fully comprehend what you attempted to do, so I’m just gonna say “look at the comments and read through what you have to see if they apply anywhere else.”
All right? All right.
I honestly have no more words for this. My thoughts are simple: fix whatever I pointed out and please … PLEASE …
I don’t know. My mind is literally on fire now.
I think I’m gonna go lie down.
Anywho, thanks to both of you for being patient with me! Crushric, you’re next!
Links to your comments:Friendship Isn’t All That Sexual http://sdrv.ms/XQP3hCTo Tartarus And Back http://sdrv.ms/UkXwM6
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