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File: 1357344288601.png (852.44 KB, 900x900, luja.png)

3037

Previous thread >>120

Welcome, one and all, to the new and improved review thread of moi. As you can see from that fancy thing up above, name’s Figments.

Now, I’m not one for long-winded intros or some crazy things like that, so I’m just gonna get to straight to the point: allow me to help you help us all, but as you can see, I need your help to do just that.

I do have a few requirements for posting in this thread. Consider them just guidelines, ‘cause sometimes I won’t even enforce them if I’m in the right mood (which never happens).

1) Please read the sticky before posting. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news if you miss something important.

2) Please adhere to the Standard Fic Posting Structure, or SFPS for short. This includes a space for each of the following: Title, Author, Appropriate Tags, Synopsis, Word Count, and the Link.

3) I only accept GDocs or MS Word Web App files. I do not even glance at FimFic links, and if you post those, you’re getting ignored.

4) Please submit only one chapter at a time. I don’t want people dumping 100k fics in 20 different parts for me to go through. Even a single chapter that's got more words than story wastes my time. So just keep them as short as possible.

5) I will accept most genres; however, there are some things that I will not accept, such as: heavy gore, most grimdark, shipping-focused stories (when the story is all about the relationship and not anything else), trollfics, poems, screenplays, and clopfics. I accept OC ponies, but be warned: because I like to think I specialize in OCs, I will be incredibly harsh on poorly written ones, so be sure to run tests prior to submission. Mary/Gary Stu tests can be found in the Training Grounds OP.

6) Patience is a virtue, but if I take longer than a couple weeks, it’s time to start bugging me. I might get annoyed, but it’s all part of the process.

7) Please post both here and in my queue. The links to both are after the break


Any questions, my policy is feel free to ask and I’ll try to answer or point you in the direction of someone or something that /can/ answer.

Cheers!

-Figments
======================================
Submission Form: http://sdrv.ms/ZLndaL
Queue: http://sdrv.ms/WcRU1n
This post was edited by its author on .

3038

File: 1357344710000.gif (732.2 KB, 500x278, zBkh2.gif)

>I don’t want people dumping 100k fics in 20 different parts for me to go through
>Inb4 someone posts a 100K fic that's one chapter

3040

>>3038

You're right. I should fix that.

Review Request: Glitched (Ch. 1 + 2) 3041

File: 1357345417168.png (119.48 KB, 755x1057, glitched_cover_by_darkflame75-…)

Boop!

Title: Glitched
Tags: [Dark] [SciFi] [Adventure]
Chapters: 1 & 2 (You don't have to do both)
Synopsis: Twilight awakes on the day of her brother's wedding, the day she died. But that was yesterday. Confronted with an impossible situation, she must seek the truth of why she's trapped in time, for both her sake and all of reality's.
Word Count: 8k and 23k, respectively.
Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J5mfEGcXXGrTlOao8T2pE0BH-II_C-zoFblQBaO1ojk/edit
Chapter 2 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T0JLyAGObmKhH8GOHshZPP4suOAvxPNWtG6gcbZaqN0/edit

Currently in Umbra's queue as well. Thanks, Figgy! :D

3213

>>3041

Guh. Fine. I might as well. I'll get started right away, and assuming my Internet doesn't decide to take a dump, hopefully I'll be done by Thursday

Friendship isn't all that sexual 3310

File: 1357859653418.png (256.13 KB, 508x540, ficpic2.png)

Title: Friendship isn't exactly all that sexual
Tags: [Comedy][Normal][Slice of Life]
Chapters: One Shot.
Synopsis: Spike starts using his writing talents for more than just friendship reports. But when one of his more… embarrassing works is accidentally leaked to the public, Spike gets on the nerves of his best friends.
Word Count: 4,979
Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15zcmsqvbfWce4ynI2gvSbh7IBdUDABlr6bIyPUeTUrs/edit

Requesting a grammar check and general feedback.
This post was edited by its author on .

3314

File: 1357867065762.jpg (217.59 KB, 1024x1181, __it_takes_a_village______by_c…)

Figgy-poo!!! Got a new one fer ya!

Okay, this is KIND of a sequel to Luminous Sky. It follows Spike and Twilight after the events of that story. My questions are thus:

Would a new reader, who hasn't read Luminous Sky, enjoy it or be too confused?

Do you buy Cadance's reaction? Remember, she's never seen him this big, and she has a newborn.

It was supposed to be a bit funny, but I've never tried comedy before. I wanted this to be a comedy/slice of life. Did I get the tone right?


Title: Spike's Story(interim title)
Tags: Comedy, Slice-of-Life
Word count: 3,711
Synopsis: Spike is having a hard time adjusting to his new size. With the help of his friends, he'll have to learn to live in a world that is now three sizes too small.(Oh, god that synopsis sucks, I;m sorry!)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SXgzCRMsX1TseNy4XN45jyO2s4P8RC0cQt5nvd79Jiw/edit

You rock!

3315

>>3314

>Figgy-poo




Moving on

Good to see you, Jake. If you emailed me questions (I think you said you were going to), I didn't get any. You might want to check that.

>>3310

>7. Please post both here and in my queue.


As that is a /rule/, you better get to it.

Sorry if I'm being dickish. Just want people to stick with what I post otherwise it's like saying, "Screw your damn contract; I want my million dollars."

That just doesn't work.

3316

>>3315
will send tomorrow. Now is time for sleeeeeeeeep.

Also, the story is just chapter one of around 3-4.

3317

>>3315

I apologize. I've added it to the queue.

3329

File: 1357903083336.jpeg (215.48 KB, 500x375, b43ddc98_Op_will_surely_delive…)

Anonymous 3330

>>3329

>Patience is a virtue, but if I take longer than a couple weeks, it’s time to start bugging me. I might get annoyed, but it’s all part of the process.


>a couple weeks


>it's only been 1

Anonymous 3333

>>3330

>new review thread

>more than a week wait right off the bat
>waiting for several weeks in a dedicated review thread is somehow considered acceptable

Oh, did Professor Hugbox come back so soon?

Anonymous 3335

>>3333
You never got reviews from the Samurai, did you? I once saw a guy wait two months and half.

Anonymous 3336

>>3335

Have you ever heard of something called an apple to orange comparison?

3337

>>3330
>>3333
>>3335
>>3336

Knock it off, you three. Want to bitch about my way of doing things? Keep it out of my thread. Got a problem? Email me. Keep it out of my thread.

>>3329

Now that Diplomacy is finished, I can devote my time to review. As I speak, I'm around page four. So far, only a few comments here and there.

(I downloaded the file for some offline reviewing. I'll reupload the file to GDocs for you to make your edits.)
This post was edited by its author on .

3390

Hey, Figs! Any idea when you'll be getting to my review? I'm gettin' a bit antsy to post. :D

Anonymous 3394

>>3390

Finishing up GV's reading now, gonna start the review later. Then I'll begin yours.

-Figments

3398

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Review: Glitched Chapter 1 (You said I could pick, so HAH) 3417

File: 1358198288076.jpg (218 KB, 900x675, lucy_in_the_sky_graffiti_by_ti…)

>>3041

All right, Golden Vision. As Germany, I declare an alliance with you against those damn Russians. WE SHALL FIGHT DIPLOMATICALLY. And then I will undermine your empire and take all your women! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Plot & Storytelling

For the most part, all I can say is that your story is good. Keep in mind that I didn’t use the word “great.” There were times I saw logical gaps and progression errors that made me do a double-take. Along with that, some things just flowed into other events in a strange way. Even more, there was a few more problems.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

First off, your style is better than when I last saw a fic of yours. You remember the one. It was something around “you have the most barebones style I’ve ever seen.” What I saw in this fic was a tad better. Clearly, you had gone back to the basics, read a few books, glanced at a few articles, etc etc.

Yet, as Josh pointed out in the doc, your flipflop between two different styles. It’s kind of like a three-legged dog, really; you stumble about trying to strike a balance between simple and complex and you keep falling over, only to get back up and try again. I gotta admire your persistence, but it looks like you need to read a few more books. As far as I can tell, you’re trying for a certain style, but you’re not trying to make your own.

Next up: logical gaps and progression.

You start off where Twilight wakes screaming, followed by a whole scene where she realizes nothing’s wrong. Okay, good so far. Then you end the scene with her smiling, as if she had even forgotten the reason why she’s screaming.

You can say “Oh, well she’s trying to forget” when really, a person who experiences a “nightmare” that seems too real to be fake should most likely act alarmed that it wasn’t real at all. She shouldn’t be smiling; she should be curious.

Another logical gap is that nightmares tend to make the person affected tired throughout the day, yet she seems to shove weariness away. Don’t do that! Use it to your advantage! She’s tired; when she even begins to accept that it was a dream, make her doubt it at all times by throwing the hints that it wasn’t. Hell, she could pass it off as weird coincidence and that she’s just tired.

Luckily, you only had one progression error, but it’s a big one: you rushed the ending. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but you brushed past what I assumed were supposed to be major scenes with barely anything to go on. I seriously recommend that you extend the chapter. I’m left wanting more of this chapter and there’s nothing left for it to give.

Other than that, some instances where a character said something that shouldn’t have been said by that character, general weird dialogue phrasing, and a couple things I left in the comments.



Grammar & Mechanics

Nothing much here. Check comments for anything.



Overall

From this point forward, I suggest you study a lot more on style and technique. You have a great concept going here, but it’s riddled with odd scene choices, hasty pacing, and some other things I mentioned above.



And that’s pretty much it. See you next time, Golden!

Cheers!

-Figments

Rookie requesting review 3430

Title: To Tartarus and Back

Author: Mad-Mutt (I don't like using my real name)

Tags: Comedy, Supernatural, Slightly Random, Slightly Tragic

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ho1--_VadigYfUcwwUYD5V3Lt2vdRY8OQGQ6DYsMoa4/edit

Description: Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Discord and Screwball are all dead… sort of. After a random accident these four unfortunate souls suffer an untimely near death and are stuck in the darkest reaches of Tartarus. As it turns out only being nearly dead isn't as bad as being totally dead. Can these four escape the underworld before the doctors pull the plug on them? Only time and an insane amount of lucky plot devices will tell.

Notes: Okay, so I haven't done this in a while so I hope everything is where it should be. This is in fact a comedy, but I have been told my sense of humor is a little… messed up. I don't know if there are things in here that everyone will find as funny as I do. This may also be slightly experimental because I have a bit of a tragic subplot that may make things seem a little uncomfortable, but its kind of the point. There's sort of two plots going on here and it may be more than a rookie like me can handle so I really hope this doesn't suck. I'm use to harsh reviews though and I've developed some thick skin. Just don't stick a knife in my chest. Just kidding. Or am I!? No really I am.

PS: This has not been review by anyone yet. You're the first
This post was edited by its author on .

3434

Hey, Figgy, one more thing: this story is a continuation from events that took place in my Maine story, Under A Luminous Sky. It's not really a sequel,'since it doesn't continue from the main plot of that, just a subplot. So, one thing I'd like you to comment on is, is this friendly to new readers? Would someone who'd never heard of Luminous Sky be able to enjoy it?

Thanks!

Anonymous 3437

>>3434

Aye.

3504

>>3437
Any word on when I can expect the review?

Anonymous 3505

>>3504
time Monday Some

3506

>>3505

Much you very Okay thank.

3544

File: 1358801999899.jpg (1.8 MB, 1000x1429, 0a68b2e77c3da1c8e4488e73570e5b…)

>>3314

All right, Jake. After a long weekend of multitasking (Dota2 and your review, to be precise), I believe I’ve compiled everything you might want to know about your little fic here. Also, I’ll be answering the questions you sent me via email.

GOING ON …

Plot & Storytelling

Right off the bat, I’m just gonna dive into my biggest gripe with this story: this doesn’t seem like a first chapter. “Well I was starting in-media-res” is not a good enough answer. First off, I was completely lost for the majority, and didn’t really settle in until a few pages in. While what you did is not technically wrong, I suggest writing a chapter before this, or extending this one into the past a bit more. That way, it’s easier on the reader to settle into the story.

Another big issue was your tendency to over-explain some things. For example, there was a couple times where you deliberately had the characters say their profession and where they were in that profession. Well, that’s a no no, especially considering we already know most of it from the show. I suggest toning it down a bit and hinting at things more.

Now, to answer your question that you posed in the post here. I don’t think someone who hasn’t read this story could get into it as easily as someone who has. It’s too closely connected, what with Spike being a freakish giant and the memories Twilight has of it happening. If you really want to make it so that readers will understand it without the source material, then do what I suggested back up there: make this chapter longer to accommodate more information.

As for general style, yours is a better one than I’ve seen anywhere else in the fandom. Good job.



Grammar & Mechanics

None too shabby. The occasional missed word, but that’s expected of any author.



Overall

It was pretty well done for the most part. Just work on the things in the comments and above and you’ll be set.



Questions & Concerns

I’m going to paste the question here for the sake of recollection.

>My questions is, how do you know when it's appropriate to add narration, and what kind of things can you say? Off the top of my head, I can think of scenery description, but beyond that and the listed above, what else can I say without massive telling? Basically, I want to vary up what I see as a pattern in my writing, which is not repetitive sentence structure, but repetitive paragraph structure.


Narration exists to expound on the story and its setting, so that the talking heads of dialogue have a context in which to address. There are two types: prose and exposition, where prose is the unmethodical structure of the story, and exposition breaths realism and order into the story.

My answer is simple: read. There are plenty of good books around that you can learn from, such as 1984, The Giver, etc etc. Take a look at those books and figure out how those authors balance it. Then, begin writing.

But always remember: if the natural flow of the story is in jeopardy, stop, and rethink your approach. Cut out what doesn’t belong, and add in what does.



And that’s it! Feel free to ask any question you think needs an answer (most preferably related to writing). And with that, see you next time, Jake!

Cheers!

-Figments

Ein Böses Erwachen 3560

Good day to thee, Sir Figments. I am called Crushric. I've prattled about with Misty (who promptly vanished after I asked), the Training Grounds (with all its notoriety), though I've gotten nothing back from them. With thy blessing, I'd ask thee to assist me in creating a better story, with a review from thee. Shalt thou consent?

Title: Jericho:

Author: Crushric

Tag: [Dark] [Adventure] [Comedy]

Synopsis: I come from a land far to the east, a place called Preußen, a nation of proud stallions. Who I am doesn’t matter. What does matter, however, is the cultural dissonance between our two peoples, those of Equestria and those of my homeland. What matters more is how I, by virtue of being at the wrong place at the right time, am now entirely at the mercy of these naked Equestrian savages. I am by no means the hero of this tale, and this is hardly even my story. I’m just a nopony thrust into the Equestrian world, with their strange customs and way of thinking. To them, I guess, I’m just as alien, with my so-called guttural language, strange God, and outfit. Oh, and let’s not forget how the Prince of Darkness and the Biblical Kane are waging a war for the fate of the whole universe, and how I get forced along by sheer virtue of me being able to translate from my language into Equestrian. This is the story of culture, language, and six annoying yet special girls with their lunatic princess saving the world. Oh, and I guess I’m along for the ride, too, since I’m the narrator.

Word Count: 2,249

Zelda: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rYlmXUDTiwD0cyeztpVp7MJcH94pA2Bkan2A8KuKhGA/edit

Notes: The narrator is an OC, is never described (nor ever will be), is so-far unnamed, and their gender isn't even mentioned in this first chapter. (The Mary-Sue test told me the narrator was firmly an “Anti-Sue”.) However, despite these, the narrator is the only character who is really in this first chapter. As such, I'd like you to tear into it as much as you can, be as harsh as possible to the narrator's character, since a good portion of the story focuses on the cultural incompatibility between their culture and that of Equestria.
Other than that, this story uses a fair bit of German (in-universe "Prussian"), since it's the narrator's first and foremost language, and often used to make the narrator seem more alien. Whenever it's relevant, it's translated.


Thank you for your time, good sir knight.
(I didn't miss anything, did I? Oh, and here's where I stop speaking in Early Modern/Late Middle English.)

Just asking Mad-Mutt 3664

I'd hate to pester you, but how is the review coming along?

I've been taking advantage of the time by making a few little improvements here and there and such so there's no big huge rush.

3665

>>3664

I haven't gotten to yours yet, as I go by order of my queue. You're up next, though.

A Quick Update 3751

I'm deeply sorry for any trouble it may have caused you for the reviews being so late. Now that my school is migrating from Intercession into the normal school schedule, I've found myself under a bunch of homework due by the time normal classes begin next Tuesday.

So, the queue is currently closed. All reviews will be finished before the queue is reopened, and hopefully I can get those done in a timely manner.

Thank you for your patience!

Cheers!

-Figments

4119

Any chance I could prod you as to what story you're on now, and how long you think till you get that one done? Just curious.
And a few of the stories on your queue, have not you already reviewed some of those?

4121

>>4119

The first two stories will be posted by tomorrow. The third will be on Saturday.
This post was edited by its author on .

Review for Mad-Mutt and Sectus 4140

File: 1360895214502.jpg (383.84 KB, 607x900, vday_by_beastofoblivion-d5uyt2…)

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, to the special of a lifetime! Tonight, I, your host, will be delivering a never-before-seen double feature reviewing!

My two wonderful volunteers have graciously offered their stories to me, and after many moons I have finally arrived at the conclusion of my efforts!

So, on to the reviews!

←———————-→

Friendship Isn’t All That Sexual, by Sectus

Mmmmm. This strange title beckons for some good, well-formulated comedy. But alas, read on to see your fortune.

Plot & Storytelling

Wow, um. Really, that’s all I can say. And it’s not a good thing.

Let’s start at the beginning.

One of the biggest issues that I encountered going through your story was the abundance of tell. Now, I’m betting that you already know what “tell” means. But I just can’t resist elaborating a bit so that you have another avenue to look at this criticism.

You see, there were two friends. Their names were Show and Tell. One day, Show bore a wide smile on his face as he entered the local tavern. Unbeknownst to him, Tell was already at the bar, feeling rather depressed. Because of this depression, he had been drinking for several hours.

Now, Show waltzed up to his friend and tapped Tell’s shoulder lightly. “Why so glum, chap?”

“I feel like shit.”

“Well, that can’t be too bad.”

“It feels really bad.”

Long story short, Tell was not a very happy man. And this is my point: pay close attention to how I set up Show vs. Tell. Where when narrating Show, I used precise body language to give hints as to what Show must be feeling. But with Tell, I outright said what he was feeling and completely ignored what his body language said.

That’s the biggest thing that I saw. You constantly told me what Spike was feeling throughout the day, and even glossed over what seemed like major events just by outright saying what happened. Don’t do that! Keep going! Show us exactly what happened and include a lot more body language. Readers want an image given to them. They don’t want to have to make up an image on their own.

Next up is your scene transitions, which pretty much branches off what I said earlier. Let me show you (oh hey; Show’s back!) what I mean:

> In about five minutes, Spike and Twilight had reached the town square. It hadn't been easy, and they had both managed to bump into several ponies, offering many subsequent apologies before arriving at their destination.


This is the transition into your second major scene. I’m not gonna lie to you: this is really weak.

Let’s break it down.

>In about five minutes


No. Never start a scene like this. It’s basically telling the reader that you’re too lazy to elaborate on the events. What if, because you actually showed us (there’s that word again!), it allowed you to expand and elude on what was to follow. You know, foreshadowing.

>It hadn’t been easy […] arriving at their destination.


Ironically, this opening is a lot like bumping into bad things before getting to any actual point. Again, show, don’t tell.

And the same goes with your other scene transitions, too. It made me feel like there was a lot of time passing, a few days, in fact.

Moving on to your next big issue, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You know, that fancy-schmancy thing that both PRs and reviewers dislike with a passion. Well, most of them, but I digress.

You see, I would be totally fine if it only happened a couple of times. But it was ALL OVER THE PLACE (I’m exaggerating, of course). Find other ways to describe the characters. Who knows? You might have fun with it!

Other than that, there’s some logical gaps within the narrative, so check the comments in your doc, linked below.



Grammar & Mechanics

I know you requested a grammar check, so I did my pest to find what I could. Thing is, I’m not the best on grammar, but there were a couple of awkward sentences here and there, and a few word choice problems.

Otherwise, it’s pretty solid.



Overall

My thoughts on this are pretty … bad. While the grammar and general style (I’m using “general” very loosely) were decent, there was a lot wrong with the flow from action to action, place to place, scene to scene.

You’d do well to expand this story as well as give Spike some actual purpose. As it stands, he’s basically a puppet and in no way affects the story at all besides the opening stuff. That’s a big problem.



Take care with the edits, and cheers!

←———————→

To Tartarus And back, by Mad-Mutt

…I don’t know what to say about this one. Being random, I can’t really … um, figure things out in a clear manner.

But I’ll try.

Plot & Storytelling

Storytelling-wise, this thing is the most backwards, random thing I’ve read. The pace was obnoxiously fast, the characters (well, Twilight and Dash) were deliciously OOC for a good chunk of it, and throughout it all, I found myself not even relatively close to finding out what the heck was going on.

The title had me fooled into believing this was an adventure story.

Boy, was I wrong.

There was a couple things, mainly in the beginning, but that’s about it for the major issues spotted in the beginning, and carried out through the rest of the fic.



Grammar & Mechanics

In all honesty, I was so confused that I may or may not have skipped over a few things. Maybe that was your goal. Maybe it wasn’t.

I don’t really know, nor do I fully comprehend what you attempted to do, so I’m just gonna say “look at the comments and read through what you have to see if they apply anywhere else.”

All right? All right.



Overall

I honestly have no more words for this. My thoughts are simple: fix whatever I pointed out and please … PLEASE …



I don’t know. My mind is literally on fire now.

I think I’m gonna go lie down.



Anywho, thanks to both of you for being patient with me! Crushric, you’re next!

Cheers!

-Figments

——————————

Links to your comments:

Friendship Isn’t All That Sexual http://sdrv.ms/XQP3hC

To Tartarus And Back http://sdrv.ms/UkXwM6

If there’s any problem viewing comments, please tell me about it and I’ll fix it.

Review reply Mad-Mutt 4142

Thanks for the review.
Okaaaay, so I'm sorry that I didn't give you proper warning before taking a walk through my somewhat random mind.

Maybe I should have been a bit more clear on what I was doing with this.
I was trying to make a comedy, but I was also kind of making something that was sort of parodying MLP fanfiction in general. Not that all fanfiction is weird and in fact there's a lot out there that is waaaay better than I can make. And as the old saying goes you have to love what you're parodying and I like fanfiction. If this really burned you out the way you say it did then maybe I went to far with the silliness. You did use the term deliciously OOC for two of the characters and I can't tell if you approved of it or not given the context of the story. Regardless I should probably do a little rewrite that makes them more in character even if it is parody I feel the need not to take it too far where the character's themselves are concerned. This is why I prefer to work with background characters because I have my sucky moments with character's sometimes.
It was more of a parody of the stranger sort of fanfiction. I wanted to make an overly silly story that didn't give the impression of a troll fic. The main idea for this is to entertain with humor, but I can't tell if you liked it and if your response to it was humorous or if it really made you that speechless.
Regardless my only goal was to entertain and if it didn't entertain you then I'm sorry and I apologize, not everyone finds the same things funny. Maybe I should have listed parody as a tag or something or should have been clearer of just how out there it was. I wanted this to be reviewed so I could clean it up so the people reading it could have a bit more enjoyment out of it.

So my basic question is despite how weird it was did you personally find any enjoyment out of it or was it just too weird a tale for you? I don't do comedy that much, but when I do I get really out there.
This post was edited by its author on .

4143

>>4142

Despite my attempts at being logical, my peers in this place find me quite diluted and in fact quite crazy at times.

So you're asking if I enjoyed it?

I enjoyed it as much as I could have, if that makes any sense. To make it a bit more clearer, yes, I did enjoy parts of it.

The same enjoyment isn't applied to some sections of dialogue where it was handled quite ham-fistedly.

And "deliciously" is something I generically use. I still haven't figured out if it means good or bad.

Maybe someday I will.

Mad-Mutt 4144

Okay that's good enough for me.
Once again thanks for the review and I'll make the changes you suggested as well as going over it a few more times to polish it.
And if I get the cajones I'll see what Equestrai Daily thinks of it…
They'll probably reject the crap out of it even if it is meant as parody, but it will at least be interesting to see the prereader's reaction.

Kein Mitleid 4214

Hast thou me forgotten?

Ignoring my above comment, I'm sure you're just busy or whatnot. So, overlooking whatever must have come up in your life, might I ask for an amendment to my review? That is, when you do post your review, could you also give me your opinion on the summary? I figured I should ask you about that before the review is posted, rather than after it.

Thank thee for thy time.

(Oh, and thought it shows not on Gdocs, the chapter I asked you to review is named "Kein Mitleid", which means "No Compassion". Though I should mention that somewhere, so I'm doing it here.)

4231

>>4214

I haven't forgotten you. I was swamped with a few essays for English.

All right, I'll factor that into my review tomorrow.

See you around!

Das weiße Licht 4290

File: 1361528547989.png (895.37 KB, 1280x1280, cloak_by_karzahnii-d5d0cui.png)

Howdy, pardner. It am I again. I can't imagine what kind of horrid workload you've got on your hands right now. But maybe this weekend you'll have time?

Anyways, I have a particularly odd amendment to add to this message: In the near-week since last we spoke, I completely rewrote the requested chapter from the ground up. And in light of whatever's keeping your attentions for this week, preventing you have having the time to look at my earlier request, I was wondering if you could swap your planned review to the new version?
The new link is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jWjDdjUdsNdOXh5QBPRd5u9SZuVEQXdfnbOf9KeiSag/edit?usp=sharing
Since you haven't found the time yet to do the earlier one, is it okay to change my request for what I want you to look at? Same story, just a radically different intro. And probably one with more errors in it, owning to its newness, but a more concrete opening.

Gratias tibi ago – I thank you. Thanks you for offering me your time, once again, Figments. May your schoolwork be lifted away by a flight of angels pegasi.

Be thou still there? 4400

Yes, it's I again. I was just wondering that, since it's been so long, if you were still doing the review? That is to ask, if you even had the time to do a review at all, mine or anyone's?

You mentioned the we ought bug you if it's been a while, and I assume that some eight days is while enough, since technically 'tis a second week. And, see, if you honestly didn't have the time to do any reviews, I'd be willing to renege my request, to give you one less thing to worry about.

If you do find time, then do see the above post of mine. I even did a new summary, due to reasons. But if you honestly can't, then I'll renege so you can do whatever you must do in life.

Take care, and see thou in the farscapes.

Figments-MetroIE 4406

>>4400
>>4290

I've been glancing at the thread from time to time these past few days. I apologize for the long wait, as I try as best I can to be punctual.

I'm not about to fill you in on my personal life, so just know that in whatever downtime I get, I read through a bit more of your fic. The reason why you aren't seeing any comments, and probably why you're asking me where I am, is because I download every fic in my queue so I can review offline.

Now that I have a lot of time, thanks to crunching my homework and study hours down bit by bit, expect your review no later than tomorrow afternoon.

Cheers!

-Figments

I Dont' Feel the Same FullmetalPony 4421

File: 1361939010112.jpg (81.96 KB, 747x662, pumpkin_and_pound_by_jbrid-d4o…)

Author: Fullmetal Pony

Tag: Slice of Life

Synopsis: Friends, family, cutie marks. Everything seems to be changing around Pound Cake.

Links:

Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pXnbcAdgauq6mueqAjZzTYX8bj9WyO-Mmnh-0sBWL1c/edit

Outline: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12ni-FiYzRRy5krvRfBmQNOOnJ846vGGNF_ttWpxrVSA/edit

Word Count: 6683 (+587 if you include outline)

Wunderbar 4426

>>4406

I'm glad to hear it, that you have time, mostly. I hate to be burden on people.

But since I changed my summary, and since I wanted your opinion on it, I figured I should also re-mention that here:
______
I come from a land far to the east, a place called Teutschland, a nation of proud stallions. Who I am doesn’t matter. What matters does is how I, by virtue of being at the wrong place at the right time, am now entirely at the mercy of these naked Equestrian savages. I am by no means the hero of this tale, and this is hardly even my story. I’m just a nopony thrust into the Equestrian world, with their strange customs and way of thinking. And let’s not forget how the Prince of Darkness and the Biblical Kain are waging a war for the fate of the whole universe. This is the story of culture, language, and six annoying yet special girls with their lunatic princess saving the world. Oh, and I guess I’m along for the ride, too, since I’m the narrator.
_____

A few changes, but enough that I thought it worth mentioning.

>>4421

Ah, ain't it grand when folks don't read through the thread, and don't take the time to notice that, technically, the queue is closed?

FullmetalPony 4430

>>4426
Huh, that's odd since I talked to Figments last night in the IRC and he didn't seem to have a problem with it.

4431

>>4430
Well, if he said so, then I know nothing. I just recall that he mentioned earlier, in >>3751 , that the queue was closed till he finished up the currents reviews, and I don't recall a post were it was officially opened.

But, hey, if he told you otherwise, than his words supersedes that of my own. I was just unaware, and trying to tell you to wait till he officially opened the queue, so that you'd actually get the review you wanted.

4433

>>4426
>>4430
>>4431

Crushric, due to some unforeseen circumstances, the full review is delayed until tomorrow. Don't worry, I have finished comments and reading. The full review will be up no later than some time tomorrow. I apologize for any inconvenience.

And yes, I told Fullmetal he had the go ahead to post.

4436

>>4433
Well, come it when it will, I look forwards to the criticism and somesuch.
I'm eager and always ready to find ways to better myself.

Review for Crushric 4441

File: 1362109740338.png (212.72 KB, 400x400, a_smile_isn_t_always_a_good_si…)

>>4436

All right, Crushric. It’s been a long time coming, but your review is finally finished. While I can say that the story was structured decently, there’s a lot of things that I found were off and some that were off-putting.

Let’s press forward, all right?

Plot & Storytelling

From what I gathered about this, your main focus is making the protagonist (or as you are so happy to call him, the “narrator”) seem as disassociated with the events as if he were just a passerby. Is that good? Not even in the slightest. You’re basically trying to tell a third-person story from the first-person perspective of a character who’s more strange than substance, and while he has an interesting “background,” if I could call it that, he’s nothing more than a mere puppet, the way I see it.

Let me elaborate. A character is designed, at the very core, to be a melting pot of emotional turmoil and self-reward. What you have here is a flat chess piece that more resembles a pawn than a bishop or a rook. He is utterly dispensable, and I’m willing to bet that the entire chapter is likewise.

At least, it makes the appearance of such.

Let me explain.

For the majority, your protagonist (for the sake of simplicity) has an “inner voice” monologue that cues in whenever he supposedly does something stupid. He shows up out of nowhere, with no explanation as to how he got to Ponyville in the first place. He at first uses flowery sentences in his speech when he’s speaking “Equestrian”, but then out of nowhere he shifts to casual, laid-back speech mannerisms.

What happened to the flowery sentences? Did they just magically vanish?

That can’t happen.

Moving on, your next big issue is your general style. At least a couple times, I found you using words incorrectly. It gave the appearance of pretentiousness on your part. Protip: Don’t ever use a thesaurus. If you can’t come up with a way to say something in simple terms, it’s best to move on and try again later. Don’t try and act smart, it doesn’t look good at all.

Next up, the utter confusion. There was not a single point in this whole thing where I did not ask this simple question: “What the heck is going on?” Usually, that’s a sign of a good job. In this case, it says the opposite. You need to work on filling the reader in with little hints here and there to give them a feel for what has happened before the start of the story. Otherwise, they’ll take a while to get a grip on it.

Moving on.



Grammar & Mechanics

You have a tendency to over-extend sentences beyond what you need. It’s like you feel that a point hasn’t been made when it already has. Try cutting the fat a bit.

Other things I found were misplaced words, incredibly awkward sections and at times words that didn’t even need to be there.

Check the comments for more on that.



Overall

This piece feels like it could have potential, but with a focus on the main character rather than the main cast of the show.

Your synopsis made me a bit disappointed, really, at the lack of care for your narrating character. Right from the synop, you set him up to be this puppet whose only purpose in the story was to tell it. That’s no good.

Otherwise, good look with edits!



Sorry for the long wait. I hope that doesn’t damper any chance of coming back.

Cheers!

-Figments
=============================
Link to comments: http://sdrv.ms/YDeHES

Review Response 4443

>>4441
First of all: Thank you greatly, Figments.

Response:
My whole attempt at “style” here, if you can call it that, was to describe and characterize the narrator a lot through his words choice. That is, when he said —“Yes, Sir,” I replied, nodding and offering down a small smile—, which you noted by you as having “down” an unnecessary word, that was my trying to subtly say that the narrator was tall. Things like that are what I was going for.

When his inner voice kicks in at first, it's trying to clue you in that this narrator isn't exactly normal, and that's a bad thing here. Basically, the narrator is a sociopath, but I try to show that by being very subtle about it throughout, with the narrator only occasionally losing it and showing more clearly what he is.

About the section you commented on was stupid. I know it is, that's why it's there. It's purely to characterize the narrator. In the words of one of my editors: It's so “I'm doing this to be evil, yet it's completely banal” that it's endearing. The narrator tends to do that, you see. That whole little scene is mostly just for characterization, and bit of the mentioned [comedy] tag.

So, after the line about comparing what he saw to a musical play, there were no further instances of grammatical off-ness? That's good.

A note about some awkwardness: some of this, like in the narrator’s dialogue, is on purpose, trying to show some struggling with the language. I'm surprised, actually, that you didn't mention any thoughts about my attempts to show at least some cultural dissonance between the narrator and the Equestrians, since it appears a bit here but is a recurring theme of the story.

My apologies about that prose thing. I have the annoying tendency to open anything I write up with such prose, but, as one reviewed noted before I rewrote this story, it clashes with the narrator’s no-nonsense style. I actually didn't use a thesaurus, just what came to my mind. I don't actually uses thesauri when writing because of that very same problem you're talking about. I know too many words for my own good, and too many of them I don't grasp nearly as well as I think I do.
But if you were referring solely to dis dialogue, this is because he finds it easier to speak Equestrian to himself, since it's harder when you're speaking a foreign language to people who speak that foreign language (at least I think so), since you're more nervous about getting it all wrong. He also notes that the laid-back manner is him practicing doing just that, trying to sound more “natural”. As shown by this line: “Pronouns. Y’all, ihr. Ya, du. Got to, gotta, müssen. Going to, gonna, werden. The word ‘ain't’.” He's translating the words into German Teutsch, since he is purposefully trying to sound like that.

Here's where I should mention another thing. While the canon character are the heroes that end up saving the day, they don't even show up for a real long time. The heroics and saving the day aren't his per se, which are what one traditionally wold think as the story, hence he is not the “hero” of the piece. Ergo, that story is not his, but his own story is… if that makes any sense. So calling him a “puppet” is sort of supposed to be implied, it's hardly the truth.
See, the narrator's name is actually Jericho. (And before you think that it ain't a pony name, allow me to say: “it's just not an Equestrian name.”) His name is that. And the story is called that. It's very clever *rolls eyes at self*. The story's very title itself alludes to what the story is actually about, in a way. The summary is accurate, but it's worded very carefully, to try to give a different idea than what it actually is.

On the other hand, I may have worded it so carefully that the meaning is entirely obscured. That's also a possibility.

If your queue is now opened, I'd like to offer you the next chapter, to get a more overviewed opinion of how the two chapter work in tandem. You seemed to imply that, with you saying “chance of coming back”.

[Any counter thoughts you could provide my points in this post would be mighty interesting to me.]

4445

>>4443

Here's the thing, Crushric. I review for stylistic things that went horribly wrong and without a discerning eye - you know, the thing that most readers nowadays don't have - they won't be able to "see what you did there."

By responding the way you did, you proved my main point with the review: you shouldn't have to explain anything to the reader. And since I review as if I were the reader, which I technically was, if I can't see something, chances are no one will.

Basically, you're trying to convey a style that breathes pretentiousness. You're attempting to imply everything, in a way that seems like you want to prove something.

The moment when you have to explain something to someone who doesn't like your story, it's time to stop.

You're doing it wrong.

4449

>>4445
I see… I see… I think I got poisoned by reading too much into Hemingway and the like, an ilk of I'm of no comparison against.
My attempts to avoid telling have, in fact, landing me in a pitfall of confusion, rather than proper telling.
Ignoring the complaint about the narrator being simply a puppet, if I just opened by giving him a reason for being where he was, a motive, and a brief mentioning of his background, the whole issues with the Plot & Storytelling would resolve themselves?

Something like this:
“Verdammt noch mal,” I swore, wiping the mud off my cheek as a bolt of lightning struck high in the heavens. Looking over my shoulder, I peered down the dark streets of the town.

This has to be the town he told me go to,’ I thought. ‘If only he had told me where or how to meet him again. I can’t believe he got me to go through the whole Everfree Forest to reach this place. I swear, it would have been easier to enter Equestria by finding a way around the northern mountains. But no[/i].’

Weiter, weiter, ins Verderben,’ my inner pony mocked in a tone sounding of equal-parts schoolchildren and laughing hyena. ‘Onwards, onwards, into destruction.’

I groaned. ‘Shut up, imaginary voice in my head. You’re not real. And if he doesn’t show up to me, I’ll continue trying to get to Canterlot. I want to see if those fabled Princesses are anything like the legends say they are.’


Would an opening like that, after the line where he stands back up, be sufficient to reduce most all confusion, yet keep enough unknown to not be awful? Or am I just hopeless?

You didn't answer my final question, thought. Based on your comment at the end, if the review thingy now open?

Once again, many, many thanks for your comments.

Review for Fullmetal Pony 4863

File: 1364270467176.jpg (1.8 MB, 1000x1429, 0a68b2e77c3da1c8e4488e73570e5b…)

>>4421

It’s been a long time coming, but it’s finally finished: your review, FMP. I’m terribly sorry for the delays. If I could have turned it around faster, I would have. However, none of that matters now. It’s done – primed and ready for your prying eyes.

Let’s go on!

Plot & Storytelling

Now, I’m gonna say this right off the bat because it’s basically the first issue I found with your story. And that is, the lack of quick character role setup. Let me elaborate: it took one entire scene for me to figure out who your protagonist was. That shouldn’t happen. An author should establish the protagonist right in the first or second paragraph. While the chapter started from Pound Cake’s perspective, I couldn’t really get the feeling from the narration that he /was/ the protagonist and not some arbitrary camera for you to exploit. Even with the synopsis, I couldn't really tell if it was a story revolving around Pound Cake.

Next up, your consistency to tell. Big time. It’s literally riddled throughout your story. I could not go two to three full sentences without coming across either awkward narration or flat-out tell.

I’m exaggerating, of course. But it’s still a pretty big problem, especially considering a lot of it can be reworded or rewritten to not be tell-y. Go through and rough out those edges. Look to see where things can be improved, but remember this: not everything has to be show. SDT is a guide for beginners, something I’m sure you’re not much of anymore. You have to strike a balance, otherwise it’s not going to be fun to write, as the author, and not fun to read, as the audience.

Moving on.

Your story lacked emotion. I could not, for the life of me, get emotionally involved with the characters at all, nor did they even make an effort to be alive. They were, at best, stiff cardboard. Now, I might sound a bit harsh, but sometimes the harsh truth is necessary.

You need to drive it home.

I felt like the entire scene between Mr. Cake and Pound Cake was a bit … bland, and even flowed incorrectly. Pound Cake puts up no resistance, when I assume he’s of age to be a tad rebellious, given his debacle with his sister. Again, this all comes with making your story breathe.

More on that flow, you mention in the beginning (during the argument) that Pound Cake has yet to receive his cutie mark, and yet when he brings it up later and pouts about it, it feels starkly out of place. Like you just rammed it in there because you forgot you even had it. Go through and brush it up. This one instance wasn’t the only time I caught something like this while reading the story.

Character dynamics were a tad rough. Be sure to brush those up and refine any and all characters.

Otherwise, somewhat good pacing, and an easy flow that’s perfect for the story, but could still use some refining.



Grammar & Mechanics

You need to make friends with pronouns. At times, you tended to mislead the reader by having too many, and other times there wasn’t enough. Saying “Mr. Cake” about a million times gets old, you know.

Other than that, fairly solid, though there were a few awkward places. Check the file for more info.



Overall

I thought this story was kind of … okay. It wasn’t one of the greatest thing I’ve read, but it’s far from the worst. What I recommend is using the “auto-reviewer” tool located somewhere here on /fic/. It scans for overused words and somesuch, and offers advice and tips based on the results. Use it to find the words you can replace with much more straightforward words, or with pronouns if appropriate.


That’s it! Again, sorry for the long wait, FMP. Hope to do business with you some other time.

Cheers!

-Figments

Review for Fullmetal Pony 4864

File: 1364270588201.jpg (1.8 MB, 1000x1429, 0a68b2e77c3da1c8e4488e73570e5b…)

>>4863

Damn, forgot your comments/inks:

http://sdrv.ms/X72gX1

Later, FMP

FullmetalPony 4865

>>4864
Ah the red ink! It bur… well, it's not too bad. I think I'll be re-writing the opening a bit to drive home that Pound is the protagonist.

Not much comment on the plot though other than the lack of emotion. Pound needs some work clearly, but what about the other characters?

A Heavy Crown FullmetalPony 5581

File: 1369367934809.jpg (70.44 KB, 250x370, sadcadance.jpg)

Author: Fullmetal Pony

Tags: Sad, Slice of Life, Romance

Synopsis (trying out a new one here): A unicorn with wings. There have been only two ponies of such nature. A third has now come into existence, but the weight of royalty may be too much to bear.
Links:
Chapter 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L-YDdQXu-NGrZZWzXeQU3GT5MeYb3GMjghxTAcDIGmY/edit

Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zi7PtM08177Ut_E9bJGnMs9HJ8OgJGuRztSrO78ocF8/edit

Word Count: 6213

Figments--WithoutMyTrip 5677

File: 1369886592939.jpg (185.43 KB, 612x796, Rose_Lalonde_full_765193.jpg)

>>5581

I … I have no idea how to process this right now. I shouldn't even be able to write up a review for you, FMP. I literally have no idea what to think about any of this—the story, the characters. Mind you, not in a bad way.

…Just, hear me out.

Plot & Storytelling

I was given two chapters. Around six-thousand total words. Which, in all honesty, is pretty small for what I usually see, but it doesn't ruin things overall, per say. However, one thing I can tell you is that you definitely need to expand this more.

Let's start with Chapter One.

Okay, so we have an “Aria” and a “Willows” waking up to find that “Aria's” water broke (because in this universe, we ALWAYS start with pregnancy scenes). So my first thought is, “Hey, I have absolutely no idea what the heck is going on.” And that, I think, is the biggest problem you have. Sure, you have a flowing—albeit erratically—storyline progression, and I could follow it, but I really had no idea what was going on.

In the sense that, why am I reading this and why should I care.

I get the fact that she's pregnant, I also get the fact that Aria dies at the end of chapter two in the most rushed, overly-dramatic way possible. I get it. What I don't get is the “why” part. You haven't properly explained yourself at all. It's like the opposite of a Straw Man: you're giving us the misconstrued point and what we're taking out of it is what is actually there. I don't get /that/ part, and that's the part that you need to elaborate to the reader.

Now, I didn't have many issues at all with Chapter One, but dear lord, I had so many with Chapter Two.

The second chapter was rushed beyond all reason. One thing happens, then a completely different thing happens, like we're just supposed to accept it and move on. There is literally no subtle hint of explanation other than “keep moving, peons.”

What was up with Celestia's entrance? I seriously want to know why she just showed up out of the blue. How did everyone automatically /know/ that Cadance was an alicorn, especially the guards? Why the heck was Mystic there?

These are all questions I shouldn't be asking right now. Those aren't plot-related questions. Those are “ You didn't explain things right” questions.

Other than that, I have no other qualms with the story. Besides Aria's death, which was terribly rushed.

Anywho, moving on.



Grammar & Mechanics

Your grammar was pretty solid. However, I have to make note that sometimes you would overuse the same pronoun dozens of times in one sentence. It makes it read awkwardly and kind of jerks me out of the story. Other than that, some touch ups here and there, but nothing too major.



Overall

All in all, this just screams “generic origin fic.” I really think you should spice it up a bit. The sudden switch to first person in Chrysalis' scene was also pretty grating, and other details like that should be ironed out posthaste. Be sure to make the necessary revisions!



Anywho, thanks for being patient, FMP. See you next time!

Cheers!

-Figments
=========
Chapter 1 with comments: http://sdrv.ms/13ZQLlz

Chapter 2 with comments: http://sdrv.ms/13ZQP4O


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