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Elements of Equity Trippershy !!B2kpqs2odt 2577

Alright. I haven't been this nervous since I first posted on /mlp/.
I'm new to this site, so let me know if I'm not doing this correctly.
I'm to #tag what my story entails? I'll go ahead and do that…

#Discord, #Celestia, #Elysium, #Preliminary, #Romantic.

Trippershy !!B2kpqs2odt 2578

Alright… That didn't work. Using common sense, I'll try this again.
#Discord, #Celestia, #Elysium, #Preliminary, #Romantic.

Trippershy !!B2kpqs2odt 2579

Elements of Equity - Prelude: "The Aisle of Acid Reign"

Once upon a time, in a faraway world, there lived a genus of powerful beings. Together, they all dreamed of establishing true balance throughout their world, Elysium. One of these beings was the first and last of its kind, and would eventually come to represent chaos in its purist form. This one left Elysium in a quest to find other worlds, and to witness the untold mysteries of the beyond. Many epochs passed since his departure, and in returning to his home, he had stumbled upon a kingdom under siege and struggle. His journeys deemed him worn and greatly altered, yet without hesitation, he nobly led a resistance - - a campaign to reclamation.

Long after this war, he had been overinclined, by his own self, to instruct others in the magic he had encountered before his return. He would teach the artistry of that magic, as he succeeded his officialdom’s previous didact. Unlike the fallen monarch before him, he undertook the mantle of Chief in reluctance. Despite having been a dictator, he was not ruthless. In fact, he restored a proper government to all those who had been severely oppressed. All he expected in return was the creation of The Library, where he offered boundless dictums - - knowledge to all who sought it. His reign brought peace and happiness to Elysium. As the times strived onward, some managed to excel in his teachings. One in particular was a young alicorn mare of royal descent. Her coat was of the whitest tone, and her mane… it flowed, always, of many ornamental colors. By many, she was called "Celestia"; by him, she was called "faithful student".

Elysium's aging king could almost always be found within the vast aisles of the isolated Library. This is where Celestia found him. Her hoofsteps echoed with subtle reverberation across the great entrance hallway. Her eyes glanced from bust to bust, from portrait to portrait, papyrus to papyrus. The glassy marble statues of Elysium's fallen war heroes… The beauteous, colorful paintings of Elysium's most talented artists… and the weathered scrolls of mutually pre-war times, hung up and shielded upon the walls. Celestia sauntered past many long, towering shelves of relics and books, before slowing her pace. Her pronounced posture, as she approached her master, still had her standing at a considerably shorter height than him. He towered over most, for he did not share the same shapes as Elysium's equestrians. He was a draconequus, and not one portion of him shared symmetry with the other. Motionless, he stood, gazing out a window… his tired eyes looked over the largest city of their world, which lay on the farthest point of the horizon.

The sun slowly set behind it, as the orange sky darkened. She breathed in, anxiously, and opened her mouth to speak. "Everyone on the high council thinks you're preparing another departure, they…" Ever so subtly, her hoof had scuffed the carpeted floor beneath her. "… they're already planning to replace you." Her teacher nodded, stoically, and whispered. "They've been wanting a new head under the crown for a while now, my faithful student." He unfolded his arms from his chest, and brushed the glass before him with his open paw. "I've witnessed innocuous life blossom from this humble world." He looked down to his side, and faintly smiled. She knew he was talking of her, and not a single other pony within Elysium. He had become jaded over the years, and in that, had become quite apathetic… but he was always a little less so in Celestia's presence.

The draconequus turned around, and gently placed his paw on his young apprentice's shoulder. "You seem worried. Don't be." He said, assuringly. Celestia focused on his eyes, and began to follow him to the entrance hallway. "You promise that you aren't leaving us?" She nagged. Her teacher nodded, weakly, and began to frown. "Of course. I know not where I belong - - where would I disappear to when I haven't a place to disappear from?" Celestia shook her head, and raised her hoof to touch him. They both stopped in their tracks. "You belong here as much as the rest of us." For many moments, they locked eyes, before continuing in their walk.

The Library was wedged between the two walls of a split mountain top; it completed the point. A passageway spiralled from the belly of The Library. Under the tip, the hallway circled downward into the middle of the mountain itself. This hollow passage corkscrewed deep within the alp until leading through a cave onto a palisade. This cliffside is where one would set flight, away from the elevation. It was this way for a reason. Any being without wings would not be able to enter, nor leave. When the master and student reached the palisade, they spread their wings to fly… and it began to rain. This was the draconequus' doing, though he did not know. Oftentimes, the world around him would reflect his mental state - - much like the world around him would influence it. Standing on the far edge of the cliffside, they decided on waiting to take flight.

Trippershy !!B2kpqs2odt 2580

They both retreated back into the cave, where they agreed on taking a moment to rest. The graying hair upon the dracon's head had fallen to his face, as streams of water rode down his bangs and jumped off to meet the cold, stoney ground. As her colorful mane also dripped with cold rainwater, Celestia ensconced her legs beneath her, and sat onto the cave's ground. Her master's neck arched like a question mark as he lie down beside his faithful student, and after sharing a view the outside sky, their eyes met. A great amount of emotion stirred between the two of them, and the storm of water began to fall more rigorously. Celestia's head drew closer toward his and, alluringly, she closed her eyes… their lips touched, and with pulchritude, the alicorn's wings sedately unfurled… his tail entwined into a upward curl.

Their affectionate embrace was broken off by a booming salvo of thunder, and a blinding explosion of whiteness filled the sky. In that moment, only the outline of a great storm cloud could be seen, for all else was consumed by a blinding flash of lightening. Together, their eyes unclosed with a trace of alarm. After a brief cessation, the draconequus pulled Celestia closely to his side with his cerulean-feathered wing and nuzzled his neck over her's. She let out a faint mewl, as she rested her head on his shoulder. He fondly wrapped an arm around her, hugged her tightly, and whispered with a frown. "With time, the storm will pass."

That's it, for now. I haven't finished the prelude, but if you'd like to give criticism, I'd be pleased to receive it.

Anonymous 2584

Welcome to /fic/.

Usually this kind of preliminary story would be bet in a specific review thread (there's a directory of them in the sticky), but that's alright. A reviewer (or two) here will probably take an interest and let you know what they think of the story.

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 2587

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FRESH MEAT Newpony! Yay. Welcome to /fic/. We love seeing new ponies, but we don't see them too often, so despite what we may seem, we're happy to have you here. Seriously, why is everypony so afraid of us? It's not like we're some blood sucking creature from red planet 51 or whatever. Anyway, appropriate tags would probably be genre tags like #adventure #sad #romance etc. As for your story itself, well… I didn't really get very far. You've got a massive info dump at the beginning that gets kinda boring. Try starting with the action, and telling the past events through bits and pieces throughout the story. It makes it more engaging that way.

Well, that's all I can say for now, hopefully Ion will be less abrasive than normal when he shows up. Once again, welcome to /fic/ and we hope you enjoy your stay.

Trippershy !!B2kpqs2odt 2589

Oh, okay. Thanks. I'll probably just take this down, and post in there. On the other hand, this is a nice place, y'know.
I'm amused and comfortable at the same time. Not somethin' I've felt in a 'chan for quite a while.

The reason I'm so nervous is because I'm… Well. From 4chan. Boards on there can be very heartbreaking if you actually pour your talents into it.
Other than that, I've got a bad reputation on places like these for condoning the "love and tolerate" lifestyle- - but I don't think that'd be a problem here.


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I'd suggest copying your story into a Google Document. We don't really do improve stories that much here. Also, please feel free to visit the /fic/ IRC channel here: http://derpy.me/MHIiu


>Other than that, I've got a bad reputation on places like these for condoning the "love and tolerate" lifestyle- - but I don't think that'd be a problem here.

You'd be surprised.

Anonymous 2606


Holy shit. I want to talk to you and never have, do you have Skype?

Go to /oat/ or something if you don't.

sage 2620


>we don't really do improve stories
*improv stories

We improve stories quite a bit.

As for your actual fic, suffice to say that your inexperience shows. All the more reason it's great that you found us. :)

Here's a bit of general advice.

is spot on about the fact that this is pure infodump. Yes I understand you wanting to get a premise in place before talking about the events of the story, but look at this:

>Unlike the fallen monarch before him, he undertook the mantle of Chief in reluctance. Despite having been a dictator, he was not ruthless. In fact, he restored a proper government to all those who had been severely oppressed.

It would probably be okay for us to go through the entire story and never hear this information. You can demonstrate, at some point in the story, that this guy is actually a pretty fair ruler and a warlord or a despot. That is what we need to know. We don't need to be told "unlike the one before him, he was reluctant blah blah blah" by the narrator.

The kind of thing you're doing here—taking time to tell us the history and what's going on—is pretty well universally frowned upon. Focus on telling an interesting story, and weave the background history into it. For this specific bit, it would be better if we saw what kind of ruler he is by the way he talks to Celestia. Just for example).

I'm not sure exactly how to explain this to you given the fact that you appear to have never heard bit of advice before. Perhaps you'll be willing to take my word on this: Even a single line of the narrator giving the reader a history lesson is bad. Like that female voice explaining things at the beginning of the Lord of the Rings movies? That's bad. Don't do it.
This post was edited by its author on .


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>*improv stories

Anonymous 2904

You're Trippershy. I love you, man.

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