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first time fanfic 2432

hey guys, i'm completly new here and wanted to post the opening to a fanfic I've been right. It's a take on the conversion bureau cliche and a crossover so I think it may suck but I want to make it not suck. so please any advice or criticism is welcomed.

The Conversion Bureau: 52

A grey lone unicorn stood looking over ther paramount of the easternmost tower of Canterlots central palace, which was filled with various labs dedicated to bleeding edge research in various magical and scientific fields, founded the by the princesses themselves. " This just can't be right, the lay lines are all wrong." Star sight furrowed his eyebrows in concentration, trying to extend his sense of the natural ebb and flow of magic in and around Canterlot. feeling out the natural state of magic on it's own terms. many unicorns simply didn't even think about where the magic they used in their day to day lives. but not Star Sight, ever since he could first use magic he was intensely fascinated by where it came from how it behaved in nature. When the princesses had announced their plan to the ponies of the world, an exodus from Equus to another unknown world in order to avoid the all consuming hordes plaguing Equus, they had made certain to share what information they could gleam of this new world with academia . Star examined the estimated map of the lay lines of this new world, along with the theorized placing of Equestria's lines in a world that should be devoid of magic. The new formations however were completely of kilter, and dear herd the STRENGTH of these lines, it was almost as if this world was absolutely brimming with magical energy, as well as other forces appearing at the very edge of his perception altering the harmonics of the natural magic's as well as that those of the massive barrier encompassing Equestria. "where in Tartarus are we?"



For a shape shifter, the Manhunter's face was amazingly stoic in nature as he digested the carnage and chaos of the last two hours by the sudden appearance of the small continent some 300 miles off the coast of southwestern Africa. the central and largest of the watchtowers view screens concentrated on the land mass it self as well as the large dome like shield obscuring the island form all initial attempts to scan it. The screen also noted the locations of various science and magic teams, led by Ray Palmer and Zatanna respectively, that had been dispatched to examine the sphere. The screens around the center showed the valiant efforts of various heroes to hold back the massive amounts of water displaced by the landmass. The four earth based lanterns had generated a 16,000 mi wide wall of green light along Africa's west coast. Terra had risen a defensive wall along New York and was now moving to protect metropolis and other east coast cities along with the JSA, Supergirl, and Superboy An open dome of energy shielded the island of Themysicara while allowing the odd mix of transparent high-tech craft and armored pegasi riding Amazonian warriors to exit the island and speed off to the southwest. Still other monitors portrayed the reactions of nation states the world over. checkmate was mobilizing troops in South Africa, S.H.A.D.E. was gathering teleportation specialists for an apparent attempt to break though the barrier. The armies and superhuman agencies of the world where gearing up for the unknown. What most alarmed him wee the monitors supplying the Atlantian response. The landmass covered what was a thieving Atlantian outpost with 2,000 citizens. their voices had gone silent. The Atlantian cities of grief and rage spoke volumes. Aquaman refused to respond to any attempt of J'onnz to contact him in Atlantis. Aquaman was leading his armies to war.


The edge of the barrier gave off a faint Pink glow that reflected off the surface of the Atlantic. A lone blue and black figure speed towards the edge. However moments before the object was to crash against it, the figure faded to nothing. the barrier remained serenely undisturbed.


that's what i have so far.

Hey there. 2442

First off, welcome to fic.

Secondly, you should not post your story as a thread. There are plenty of reviewers here who will look at your story, should you request it in the appropriate place. There's The Training Grounds, if you just want someone to look at it, and then there are more specific reviewers who run their own threads and who are known for being remarkably helpful, if at times harsh as well.

Conch Shell runs a nice idea thread, if you need a place a person to bounce thought off of.

However, making a whole thread for one story is generally frowned upon here.

That said, best of luck to you, and I hope you find your place here.
This post was edited by its author on .

Eustatian!Wings60m9. 2444

What happened between your first and second post? There seems to be something missing.

You must break your story into paragraphs, moments of storytelling that your reader can digest one at a time. Pick up pretty much any story (certainly any decent one) to see how it's done. Or, compare to comic books: a paragraph tells about as much story as a frame.

Also, you can't have more than one character speak in a single paragraph. It's a pretty strict rule.

Press enter twice at the end of each para.

Also, the standard around here is to post works-in-progress to Google Drive.

Beyond that, I'm not sure where to critique this story. The first fic is the hardest and this one hasn't managed to turn over yet.

In general, stories have a structure that looks like this:

You have a character who is somehow flawed or unhappy in a way that the readers' can connect with. (Lead) This character takes entirely reasonable or at least credible steps to confront that problem, (Objective) but they don't go well. (Conflict) Then you get to drag out the story by having them try new things or readjust their goals or what-have-you. Finally, they attain some shift in perspective, motive, ability, etc. that allows them to solve their problem - or not - and which surprises and delights the reader. (Kicker) That ends the story, though you can spend some time tying up minor substories after that point.

I haven't met the Lead and Objective yet, which means no LOCK and no functioning story. If you don't have that big vision yet, it's what you need to work on first.

Most likely. Learning to tell a story is all about muddling through until you get all the various skills to click.

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