Now, using someone else's
definition or description of what show vs. tell is, and use it to describe how to (for a lack of a better word) fix the following passage of about 900 words. This shouldn't be line-by-lining. Don't worry about grammar, either.
Excerpt from The Epiphany by NinesTempest:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/115/
"The last one!" Said Rainbow Dash, as she easily kicked away a cloud out of the sky. The blue-furred and rainbow-maned pegasus grinned at her friend, Fluttershy. With a yellow coat and wings and pink mane, she clapped as loud as she could. Rainbow Dash strained to hear it.
"Wow, that was faster than even 10 seconds!" She said, the excitement in her voice very clear, if anypony could hear her.
Rainbow looked around the sky. The sky was bright and blue, the warmth of the mid-afternoon sun flowing over all of Ponyville that afternoon. Rainbow Dash had just finished clearing the skies of all the clouds, leaving a clear day for the Ponyville below. She didn’t respond for almost a minute, lost in the beauty of the clear blue sky. She turned finally, nodding. "Well, duh, there were only like 8 clouds today. I didn't really try to do it fast because there was, you know, no reason to."
"Well, I don't know, I'd think you'd want to make the town look nice on Twilight's Birthday!" Fluttershy said. "She's been here for a bit over a year now!"
"I know how long she's been here, Fluttershy. I wish she had just told us she had her birthday so close to when she got here. I swear that pinkie almost cried when she heard we'd missed her firth birthday in Ponyville." She sighed. "Besides, I could have cleared the skies that day almost twice as fast!"
Twilight Sparkle, who had not been used to the idea of friends when she first arrived, hadn't ever thought of having a birthday party. The day came and went, and she never bothered mentioning it. By sheer coincidence, Applejack had asked her days later, and upon hearing the date, then told the rest of Twilight's friends about it. Since then, all of them had agreed to never mention it until the next year, to plan a surprise party for her.
"Oh, I know you could!" Said Fluttershy. Without warning, she felt something nudge her flank. She squeaked in meek fear and dashed up to and behind Rainbow Dash, looking down where she had felt something in the sky.
"… That's a cloud, Fluttershy." Indeed, a cloud had simply floated a little bit due to some wind, and nudged the timid pony.
She meeped, simply trembling in place.
"I think you know what clouds are, and why they can't hurt you. Hey, why don't you try and just break this one!" Rainbow darted off to the cloud and laid down on it. She was close to the edge, the body of the cloud exposed so that a moderately strong impact would easily dissipate it. "Come on, it'll be easy!" She swung down a hoof, patting the spot where Fluttershy should try to kick it.
Fluttershy hovered down slowly, landing on the cloud. She moved it around, as if looking inside of it for something. She patted the middle of the cloud a little, and hovered up a bit again. She took a deep breath, and dived at the cloud, back hooves first. She fell right through it, the cloud vanishing and leaving Rainbow to have to rely on her wings again to stay in the air. She stopped herself only after several long seconds, not getting anywhere near the ground, but definitely going farther than the cloud. She floated back up and gave Rainbow Dash a silly grin. "That was… cool." She said, her excitement once again hidden in the volume of her voice.
"Hehe." Chuckled Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy wasn't normally this energetic, and the fact that she decided to try and… 'attack' a cloud without protest meant her confidence was definitely building. She didn't seem like it, but getting a 'way to go' or a 'yay' out of her was more than Rainbow Dash had ever been expecting. Of course, she should realize that once the plane of their relationship changed, how she'd act would change too. "Okay Fluttershy, I'm going off now. I'm going to check in on Pinkie Pie about the party. Remember, we don't tell Twilight about it. As far as she knows, we don't even know her birthday is today! We'll meet up before the party at your place, right?"
Fluttershy nodded. She'd grown accustomed to the visits from Rainbow Dash, and even now looked forward to them. "That would be… nice." She smiled at her.
Rainbow Dash floated over to her, and rubbed her face in Fluttershy's mane, giggling. "Thank you." She gave Fluttershy a lazy smile.
Her small smile was comforting to Rainbow Dash as she pulled away slightly. "Oh, it's no problem Rainbow Dash." She started floating away in the direction of her home. "I'll see you later then!"
Rainbow Dash waved as she darted off toward Sugar Cube Corner, where Pinkie Pie lived and worked in her family bakery. Fluttershy, alone now, grew a somber expression as she slowly started to fly to her own home. She kept thinking about Rainbow Dash, and how every day they had met, she would say thank you when they were done hanging out, no matter what. She had been a lot nicer to her lately, especially since the Equestria's Best Young Fliers Competition at Cloudsdale, about a year previous.
She started the trip home, gliding over the Everfree Forest, and as she went, her thoughts drfited back to that day, two months ago where both her and Rainbow Dash's life changed.
If either the definition is not enough to fix the passage or the passage is not fixable under the definition, explain why.
The goal of this exercise is to 1. obtain a fuller understanding of what show vs. tell is, nuances and all, 2. understand when to employ either, and 3. use those understandings to get a concrete definition of show vs. tell that those on the receiving end of a review can better understand it themselves, rather than having to rely on a reviewer to point out where either has been used improperly and how to fix it.
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