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File: 1344401603555.jpg (42.36 KB, 900x900, rain pinkamena.jpg)

Rainy Prereading 187

#Reviewer

Hello! How are you this evening? Or morning. Honestly, this site runs 24/7, so it could be any time of day—or night—for you right now. I’m Bleeding Raindrops, but you can call me Rain, Raindrops, or whatever else you desire.

Anywho, this isn’t a normal review thread. I’m basically a prereader of sorts. No, not for EqD. What I’ll do is look at your story—once—and respond with my opinion, and the impression left by the more prominent scenes in your story, and I will pay special attention to specific scenes upon request. I will not be looking at your story a second time, as this is a first reactions thread, and not an editor's grotto. I will likely not have a sudden epiphany over your writing even after you've corrected it for em-dash usage.

I will not be rating your story or pointing out story holes and grammar mistakes. However, the information I provide will still be crucial to your story, as it will analyze:

*Clarity of descriptions
*Confusing scenes or segments
*Portrayal of emotions
*Characterization

SUBMISSION RULES

1. No resubmissions.
2. No submissions longer than 5,000 words. However, depending on genre and/or synopsis, I may be more lenient. I greatly enjoy sad and/or grimdark stories, so feel free to send those in abundance.
3. Any format is accepted. Submissions are not limited to GDocs.
4. No gore or sex, as per MLPChan's rules. If you have to ask, don't post it; instead, shoot it to me in an email, and I'll let you know if I'm willing to look it over under the table.
5. Please include a title, author's name, appropriate tags, a link to the story, a synopsis, and word count in your submission.
6. If you have a scene that you would like me to focus on, please include that in a request at the end of your submission.

THE QUEUE

The queue will close if it reaches ten stories, and will not reopen until it drops below five. This is so that I am not swamped, and have time to recover should this occur.
It has also only ever happened once.

Curious where you are in the queue? Check it out here:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ama-ywgZrtyvdE1ZYlRLSGs1bnFFR0RucEFuZkNzdkE#gid=0
If your story has been or is being reviewed, you'll want to look here for it:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ama-ywgZrtyvdE1ZYlRLSGs1bnFFR0RucEFuZkNzdkE#gid=4

If you need to contact me, ping me in the IRC or send me an email.
IRC: http://client.canternet.org/?channels=fic&prompt=1&uio=d4
Email: [email protected]
This post was edited by its author on .

194

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Hello! Just to smooth out the rough edges and then send it off to EQD one last time.

So, here's the story:

[Title] Paradise Lost
[Tags] Dark
[Word Count] 4176
[Synopsis]
"A lie begets a lie, and the world must be protected by one."

Skyward Arrows, a simple author on the run from his own city, is faced with a decision that will change the course of history forever. Yet with every power comes a hefty price.

[Link] https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TdsANlCc0vmWww6ykXzkjh9tUIMeo0psSARkOsUDI_Q/edit

What I would like input on is if this story needs to be expanded in some areas.

Review: Paradise lost Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 195

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>>194
In which Skyward arrows creates the idea of Equestria, contained within a book that is to be passed down through his students, Daybreak, and Night Shade.

The Main Plot
Skyward arrows and his students, Daybreak, and Night Shade, are on the run from some type of government, to which Skyward has been labeled a traitor. At some point they are cornered, and the two foals hide in a closet while Skyward Arrows confronts their adversary. He seems to have some sort of history with this adversary, whose name escapes me. Skyward speaks of how he used to be in the military, but quit because he felt it was corrupt. He has contained within him some sort of dark force, and has been creating an entire world within some magical book. He casts a spell that obliterates him and the area around him, leaving only the book and his two pupils. Daybreak is the older of the two, and has been given the responsibility of looking after Night shade, as stated in the letter left to them by Skyward Arrows.

The Underlying Plot
Skyward arrows is a wise and gifted unicorn, who was once apart of the military for whichever world he currently lives in. He saw that his government was corrupted, and sought to oppose them, creating a new world that he believed could bring peace to everypony’s lives, and contained it within a book, so that it could not also be corrupted. When the government learned of this plan, they labeled him a traitor, and ordered that he be brought to justice, and the book overturned, so that it could be destroyed. Old friendships and loyalty are questioned when an officer must arrest a pony who was once his friend. The world is then left in the hands of two foals, who will pass down Skyward Arrows’s ideals for generations, until two ponies who are chosen by fate, will step up and take their rightful place as rulers of the beautiful land known as Equestria.

Relevance to the Synopsis
Honestly, I can’t figure out where the synopsis ties in. Where is there a lie, and how is it protecting the world? What power did he have to pay a price for, and why did he have to pay that price? These are questions that are raised by the synopsis, but not adequately answered in the story itself.

What I thought of it
It’s a neat story, although I’m not really sure why it was labeled as [dark]. I’m guessing the rulers of Equestria are going to turn out to be Luna and Celestia. Skyward Arrows kinda sounds like the name for a pegasus though. I should add that I kinda got lost in the early scenes. I don’t really know where they were running to, or from for that matter. All I know is that they were running, and stopped at some point, the whole time Skyward kept saying “I’ve got this, don’t worry”. Then there was a door and a room, some sort of dark force. Not very coherent, until the pegasus with blades on his wings came in of course. From that point on the story is an easy and enjoyable read, but until that point… not so much.
Overall, it’s not a bad story per se, but it’s not something I’ll be adding to my favorites list anytime soon.

Special Requests
>What I would like input on is if this story needs to be expanded in some areas.
Well, I would definitely flesh out the beginning, unless you want your reader to be momentarily confused, which I wouldn’t be surprised if that was your intent, because it all gets explained later. Other than that, you ought to be able to tell from my descriptions above whether or not certain areas need expanding. I hope this helped, and good luck with your story.
This post was edited by its author on .

196

>>195

Thanks for taking a look! I'll set to work right away.

197

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Yo! I finally finished this damned fanfic! So, off I go!

Title: Before the Dawn
Author: Figments
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Dark (Maybe?), Adventure (Still kinda iffy)
Word Count: 4836

Synopsis: Plagued by visions of a mysterious figure, Twilight sets out to find a creature that calls itself Iliad. Yet after one of her friends is taken by the very being, the Elements are in for their greatest challenge yet. Can Twilight solve the riddle of her dreams, or will she be forced to confront the biggest decision that she never wanted to make?

Link:

Requiem: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yP7df1jrmYRaJsPgh-x973tU1EvPJrL6sMpgIiti-pI/edit

Comments 'n' stuffs: I've been really unsure whether or not I should start the story a few days prior to this one, to kind of set it up a bit. An input on this is really appreciated.

Review: Requiem Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 200

File: 1344653370946.png (285.56 KB, 1198x1134, 132632033382.png)

>>197

In which Twilight is haunted by the evil creature, Iliad.

The Main Plot
Twilight has been having a recurring nightmare for weeks, each one growing more vivid each time, and showing further detail. She wakes up in the middle of the night, trying to make sense of it all, and records her findings in a journal. Spike finds her burning breakfast, and questions her about her health. After hallucinating at a newspaper, Twilight lies about her wellbeing and sneaks out to find… Somepony. Rarity returns from a trip to Fillydelphia, and rambles on about it while Twilight gets a headache, accompanied by some mystical voice in her head, which has apparently happened before. Twilight decides she needs to find princess Celestia and tell her about what has been happening.

The Underlying Plot
The dark creature Iliad has been haunting Twilight Sparkle for some time now, attacking her in her dreams. Ponies have been going missing from towns and cities all over Equestria, with direct correlation to Twilight’s nightmares. As Twilight tries to uncover the dark mysteries surrounding these events, Lliad grows ever stronger, plaguing her mind with visions, and whispering in her ears.

Relevance to the Synopsis
Well, it’s clear to anypony just from that synopsis, that this is nowhere near finished. You’ve certainly piqued my interest, but the question of just what decision she has to make, hasn’t even been laid out yet. Still, what’s here is described well, so you’ve done good on that regard.

What I thought of it
Not bad. I can’t seem to say the title without adding ‘for a dream’ to the end of it, which would be fitting music for a video of this, now that I think about it. Definitely label this [dark], but you could drop the [adventure] tag, unless the next chapter sends her somewhere, in which case, leave it. I will definitely be waiting to see what comes next. After all, I still don’t know who, or what this Iliad guy is.

Special Requests
>I've been really unsure whether or not I should start the story a few days prior to this one, to kind of set it up a bit. An input on this is really appreciated.
I think it’s fine as is. You want to start in the middle of the action anyway, and that dream sequence opener is an excellent hook. You give enough information for the underlying plot to be guessed at, and the reader can assume that this has been building.

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 201

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>>200
Heh, I only just realized, the title in Doc was Requiem, but the title you posted was Before the Dawn. *facehoof*

204

File: 1344679715202.gif (498.11 KB, 350x252, 132700925572.gif)

Hullo.

Have you checked your e‐mailbox yet ?

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 205

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>>204
I should be ashamed. I posted that you could contact me via email, yet I stopped checking that email weeks ago. Anywho, thanks for the poke, and I will be sure to check daily from now on. Unless of course I forget. Eep!
In the future, if you don't get a response within 24 hours, feel free to poke me, as I'll have likely forgotten.
This post was edited by its author on .

206

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Ouch. Sorry for the lousy story. I do agree that it is too fast, and I should probably leave out some details if you want. If you like the concept I can polish the story more. Thanks for the links, I hope that they’ll help.

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 207

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>>206
I'm not usually one for romance novels, so your story is already at a disadvantage from the start, but the concept isn't your problem, it's your delivery. Taking out details isn't going to help, because there's not much there to begin with. It's your first time—like you said—so I hope you weren't too discouraged by my review. You've just got to do some research, and learn what it is that sells a story. Check out the links I sent you, and give them a good long read through. If you're having trouble with the plot, check out this link. I just finished reading it myself, and it is immensely useful. http://www.novel-writing-help.com/how-to-plot-a-novel.html

Jake The Army Guy 384


Title: Under A Luminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark
Word count: 6026
Synopsis: Equestria is a land of peace. Violent crime is almost nonexistent. Ponyville in particular hasn't had a single case of equicide in all its years of existence. But nothing lasts forever.

A body is discovered in the Everfree Forest. Shortly thereafter, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. Faced with an obstinate police force, Twilight and this strange new pony must put the pieces together and catch a killer. But as the blood continues to spill, one thing becomes terrifyingly clear: in the dark of the Everfree, much more is at stake than mere lives.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14Ia2sP5ghfw7vPkPH7c9B6iLliHGirA_iqFUabPqnlY/edit

Mainly, I'm wanting help on the last part. For one, I want to keep the gender ambiguous, mainly because there are certain ponies I want people to think could be the killer. Two, I tried to do my best to avoid saying exactly what was going on, partly because I think it adds depth, and also because it's kinda gory. PLEASE offer any advice on how to clean it up. Thanks!

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 388

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>>384
Wow, This thread has been so dead I almost forgot to check it. This isn't a normal review thread, though. Instead of giving you editing advice, all I'm going to do is give you a little insight into how a reader would view your story, molded to my personal opinion of course. It says to right in the OP.

In short: ITT I show you what's wrong with your story instead of telling you.
This post was edited by its author on .

Review Request 395

File: 1346724489245.jpg (56.72 KB, 900x654, onyx_origins_by_inspectornills…)

I haven't had my ego stroked in a while.

Let's see how you handle the mindfuck that is my Second-Person Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Semi-Self-Insert OC-Shipping-With-Main-Cast-Member Incomplete story.

People apparently like it, despite all of the above.

Ttile: Onyx Origins and the Orb of Omnipotence

Author: Ion-Sturm/Lightsideluc

Tags: [Black Comedy] [Adventure] [Game]

Word Count: The first two parts (Chapter One and Chapter Two: Act One) compromise roughly five-thousand words. Its actual word count is unavailable due to parts of the narration being kept in comments. Chapter Two: Act Two by itself easily breaks your limit at six-thousand two-hundred words, never mind the additional one-thousand four-hundred that the Non-Chapter offers.
If it's not too much trouble, I would like to request that you give the Non-Chapter a look when you're done, regardless of whether or not you've read Chapter Two: Act Two. It doesn't rely much on knowing previous events and I consider it to be something of a droll lark.

Synopsis: I humbly present Onyx Origins and the Orb of Omnipotence! Beyond the following link, you will find a second-person narrative story staring our titular hero, Onyx Origins, as he gallivants across Equestria in the eternal pursuit of cold, hard bits and hot, beautiful mares. Will you be able to guide our intrepid hero past such obstacles as blood-thirsty bunnies, irate rosebushes and a narrator who hates (and wants to eviscerate) your guts? Fueled by an obtuse hybrid of Terry Pratchet-like narration and a style of gameplay reminiscent of the classic arcade game Dragon's Lair, it's up to you to read between the lines and guide Onyx to safety! But choose wisely, lest your adventures come to an untimely (and unseemly) end…

Be warned, traveller. Death abounds in this tale, though it should be mentioned that he's a rather witty fellow. While the story does not tread the ground of Cupcakes and its misbegotten ilk, do know that if your decisions are unwise they may very well result in blood being spilt in new and imaginative ways.
It shouldn't break any rules on MLPchan; I hosted a thread for this story on Ponychan for some time and it was never visited by a mod and they're far more uptight about blood there.

Link to the story index: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tgzGe3Detwp1uhPUZJhcR8nZfc1_u8BHlSMf-WooJcg/edit?hl=en_US#
This post was edited by its author on .

Review: Under a Luminous Sky Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 401

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>>384

In which Twilight tries to deal with losing Spike, and Rainbow Dash is shipped with Big Macintosh

The Main Plot
Twilight is devising a method of tracking a spell by identifying magical residue left behind by spells. She talks to a pony named Bentgrass about her relationship with Spike, and how she is going to deal with him going to sleep for 100 years. Big Macintosh is concerned about the farm’s finances, and Rainbow Dash pays a romantic visit. An unidentified dark figure devours two dead ponies.

The Underlying Plot
Somepony has been murdering ponies in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle, along with an agent from Canterlot named Bentgrass, must devise a way to identify the perpetrator. Meanwhile, Twilight struggles with the Impending loss of her best friend and adopted brother, Spike the dragon, as he prepares to enter the Wyrm-Sleep– a rest of 100 years in the life of every dragon.

Relevance to the synopsis
I’d say it’s right on. Every question or point mentioned in the synopsis was brought up in the chapter, although not all were answered.

What I thought of it
Rainbow Mac is not one of my favorite shippings, but I kind of like that scene. The sad part with Spike is delicious, that’s a good thing although somehow I can’t help feeling that Spike is tied into the bigger plot. All in all, I’m glad this finally found its way to me

Special Requests
>one, I want to keep the gender ambiguous, mainly because there are certain ponies I want people to think could be the killer.
I don’t even know what species that thing is. You’re goo d here.
>Two, I tried to do my best to avoid saying exactly what was going on, partly because I think it adds depth, and also because it's kinda gory.
Yeah, I got that feel a little bit. Seriously all I know is that some ominous figure ate two dead ponies. That’s really the best way I can put it.
This post was edited by its author on .

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 403

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>>395
Hmm… How about I look at it one piece at a time, 'kay? I'll give those first two chapters a look first, and do the others later if I find the time. It's not like this place gets much traffic anyway.
This post was edited by its author on .

Ion-Sturm 404

>>403
Whatever works for you.

Review: Onyx Origins and the Orb of Omnipotence Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 406

File: 1346859652126.png (2.65 MB, 2500x2500, Might_as_well_CradeElcin.png)

In which, Onyx Origins and the regal, miss Rarity, run from rabid raving rabbits. See? I can do that too.

The Main Plot
You awake in a foggy cell, observing your surroundings to learn that you are a unicorn stallion of indeterminate color, and your cutie mark is of a compass pointing to a gold coin. A beautiful white unicorn named Rarity frees you from your cell, and you embark on a quest to find the holy grail to uncover some lost city and claim untold riches. Along the way you run into some seemingly ordinary rabbits, which turn out to be rather nasty killers. You'll not risk another frontal assault; those rabbits are dynamite. You… run for your life.

The Underlying Plot
Be patient, we haven’t gotten that far yet. You still don’t even know what color your coat is, or where in Celestia’s mane you’re going, not to mention you have to choose between life and death, and don’t know which is which. We’ll see the underlying plot later.

Relevance to the synopsis
Well, it certainly entails the details of that synopsis. I might not even need to read the story… except I’ve told you I would. Damn.

What I thought of it
Well, it’s certainly exactly the same as several other ‘choose-your-own-story’ books I’ve read. I thought it amusing that the ‘shake your booty’ option–-while being my first choice–-was also the correct answer. I honestly thought that was a joke. Anyway, this story carries the familiar ‘Fuck you I do what I want’ rejection feeling from my brain upon being told exactly what it’s thinking. I am well aware that miss Rarity is quite beautiful for a mare, but even if I had feelings for her I would like to arrive at that conclusion by myself, thank you. Not a bad piece of writing, but hardly worthy of my favorites list. I much preferred the books where you could have whatever reaction you want, but all paths consequentially lead to death eventually, and the only way to win was to accidentally stumble upon a hidden page, which no other page led you to.

Special Requests
>I would like to request that you give the Non-Chapter a look when you're done, regardless of whether or not you've read Chapter Two: Act Two
What? No special scenes to pay attention to, just another review request? Very well, coming up.
This post was edited by its author on .

Ion-Sturm 408

>>406
I consider the story to be a sort of beta. The full version would have had perks chosen at the beginning, like an affinity for a certain pony race. Pegasus would be faster and more agile, earth pony stronger and greater endurance, unicorn intelligence and a boost to his natural magic. They would have affected the likelyhood of living through the chance-death scenarios (which you haven't reached since they're introduced in Chapter Two: Act Two. Everything else is a sort of tutorial). There would also be a dialogue tree where you could woo characters and affect which one you end up shipped with by the story's end.

I wanted to aim for a more "Just-along-for-the-ride" feel with the story. Sacrifice the immersion factor for stronger narrative cohesion and more solid plotting.

>The Non-Chapter

Well, considering its short nature, it really is just a sort of scene. It has no bearing on the plot otherwise.

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 410

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>>408
Does that mean you'd like me to skip the Non-Chapter? I haven't quite gotten to it just yet, I've had other things on my mind, like school.

412

>>410
I would appreciate it if you read it.

Review: The Non Chapter Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 441

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>>412

In which Rarity has an argument with the narrator.

I’m going to forgo a standard review due to this lacking any contribution whatsoever to the story. What you have here, is little more than an author bitchslapping one of his main characters for no other reason than to give his hoards of raving raging fans something to chew on while he rests his blistering fingers and attempts to chisel away at the enormous writer’s block in his way, and procure an acceptable new chapter for readers to peruse. I personally believe that the author ought to take a 40 kg sledge hammer and begin smashing rocks with a chain on his leg, for commiting such a crime against fashion, and on such a poor defenseless unicorn who had done nothing wrong other than become upset that her life’s work had been destroyed, by that very same frustrated author.

Ion-Sturm 442

>>441
:D
An author strives to evoke emotions in their reader, and I'm glad to see I continue to excel at that. People either love or hate that bit, which is a good sign to me.

Requesting a Review, Kind Sir 670

File: 1352244797103.jpg (51.49 KB, 350x310, 1TinyCho.jpg)

Hello, good sir. My name is Crushric, and I am requesting a review.

Title: Jericho

Author: Crushric (Despite whatever GDocs says, Pendergast is not my name)

Tag: [Dark] [Comedy] [Adventure]

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rYlmXUDTiwD0cyeztpVp7MJcH94pA2Bkan2A8KuKhGA/edit

Synopsis: This is a bit odd in that this chapter defies a synopsis, since its connection with the story… is vague, serving only as a introduction. Just know that it's a first-person story told by somepony who (for the first chapter) is raceless (but a pony), genderless, and nameless OC. The narrator is dying in this chapter, but it's never explicitly explained why, just suggested that it's from a fatal stab wound. Note, though, that this story's main themes are cultural and language, hence why the OC's first language is German and why said language is constantly brought up. And for the whole rest of the story, the narrator is just a side character, the heroes being the Mane Six and Luna.

Words: 2,270

Since my dreams are way too high for my own good, all I ask is that you look at this and to tell me whether or not this chapter makes a theoretical reader interested, wanting to know more about the narrator and the story's setting. So, basically, does it serve as a good intro to an epic-length tale about different cultures, language?

(Forgive me for possibly sounding narcissistic, but I'm also wondering something random. In your opinion, is it considered a resubmit if, rather than submitting again the same chapter, one submits the next chapter?)

676

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>>670
Well now, 'guess the Sturm knew what he were talkin' aboot; no sooner does the /fic/sters deside to up and move, and alla sudden there's some traffic here. Sorry to say I ain't doin' the reviewin' thing for another couple of weeks yet.(I'm on hiatus) Sorry I didn't leave a message; I figured with the no traffic and all, I'd not have to worry. On account of you not havin' no way to know, I'll slip you in, but the queue's closed.

THE QUEUE IS CLOSED!!!
>We miss thee, Royal Canterlot Voice.
This post was edited by its author on .

678

>>676
I think this is one of the reasons I like the idea of the #sage and/or #lock functions planned for addition here, where you'd be able to edit them into your OP and close your own thread either temporarily (for a hiatus for example) or permanently.
>an [rcv] and other font codes like [tt] are also being added

679

File: 1352248863005.gif (868.55 KB, 514x449, wrench.gif)

>>678
Why, thank ye kindly, sir anon. I'll be fixin' that straight away.

Queue open Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 1113

File: 1353177306717.png (46.23 KB, 519x515, 134740671961.png)

I have returned, and am now ready to take on a few of those culminations of letters you all seem to enjoy throwing at ponies like me.

!!Applejack 1115

File: 1353177955661.png (174.85 KB, 900x625)

Directory updated. Welcome back.

Review request: Twilight's Odyssey 1116

So, if I understand this correctly, you review from memory? That's actually kind of interesting. Might come closer to the avarege reader's view than most reviewers. Sign me up.

Title: Twilight's Odyssey

Author: DemPonies

Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe

Word count: ca. 4400

Synopsis: In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power, a young Twilight Sparkle loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion that won't just take her further beyond the borders of Equestria than anypony before her, but will also change the fates of both the nation and her life, forever.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24518/Twilight%27s-Odyssey

Edit: Maybe I should mention that this isn't a finished story, if that's of any importance?
This post was edited by its author on .

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 1119

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>>1116
>avarege
>pic

Added to the queue. I'll get to it within the next few days.

1120

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>>1119

Oops…

Review: Crushric Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 1187

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>>670
In which, A nameless pony wakes up to die.

The Mane Events
A nameless, genderless human-turned-pony wakes up, somewhere in Equestria. They find themselves wounded, and weak. They begin babbling about where they are from, how cruel and ironic it that they had studied the language Equestrian, but would never have the opportunity to put such skills to use. They recall a few insignificant but memorable points in their life, before recounting a tale about… I think someone died. It mostly seemed pointless to mention it, other than the narrator believing that they too would soon die.

The Underlying Plot
Nameless has sought to be in the presence of the royal princesses for quite some time, and at last (s)he has found his/her way to Equestria, only to slowly die of a stab wound.

Relevance to the Synopsis
This one’s a pass. The synopsis was mostly about the story that this chapter precedes, the few details that *were* about this story described pretty much all of it.

What I thought of it
Um… I think this would make more sense if I were interested in the other story, because this made very little sense. It’s clear that something must have happened, (i.e. the narrator finding some way into Equestria, and having been impaled in the process) and that something is surely going to happen, else you would have left this chapter unwritten, but I really can’t figure out what the point is, unless you were info dumping a background on this character. I didn’t enjoy this.

Special Requests
*sigh* nopony uses this section. That’s a real shame.



>is it considered a resubmit if, rather than submitting again the same chapter, one submits the next chapter?

As long as it isn’t something I’ve already read; that would be fine.
This post was edited by its author on .

Review ackowledge, and a last request 1202

Thank ye mostly kindly, mate.
Rather curious that you thought that narrator was a human, when they're entirely pony. I find that funny because this story is something of a play on that, using a foreigner instead of a human, but still focusing hugely on pan-cultural issues.
By "other story", do you refer to the little musing about "Der Erlkoenig", or about the bit of their past they mused about?"

And since ye've mention that further works that are not the same are peachy, so I've this last think I wanted another's thoughts about.

Title: Jericho (second chapter, this time.)
Tag: [Dark][Adventure][Comedy]
Words: 4,450
Synopsis: The narrator wakes up. Queue the first onset of the plot, if you can call it that thus far.
Zelda: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W25smPIf8FIFBdhBpGj7oQnPiRu-ydVbGag2fMjvIYI/edit

I think nopony uses the "special request" section because it isn't explicitly mention in the OP. But, were I to make one, it would to request that you pretend that you were very angry at me. It's what I tell my spellcheckers, that they are furious with me but also Abraham Lincoln, and thus unable to lie; ergo, you are forced to take out your rage by tearing my submission a new one, but using the truth to do so. En otras palabras, do what your normally do but with a vengeance (like Kill Bill, only your Abraham Lincoln; and instead of killing Bil, you review ponyfics.)
I've been told that, apparently, my Twilight is rather in-character, and that my use of English here is good. So, logically, try to dispel my narcissistic conceptions.
[As you'll see in this chapter, the story is named as it is because of one reason. And that reason is actually an insult, saying that source in a narcissistic sociopath.]

Have your a good day, now, ya hear?

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 1216

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>>1202
>I think nopony uses the "special request" section because it isn't explicitly mention in the OP.
>If you have a scene in particular you would like me to pay more attention to, please make a request at the end of your post, and I’ll be sure to adjust my binoculars.
I will now label it as "Special scene Requests."

As for assuming that I am angry with you, I do not think that will make any difference. The purpose of this thread is for me to show you what was most prominent in your writing by relaying it back to you as best as I can from memory; If it wasn't memorable, it won't end up in the review. That is not to say that everything that was not in the review was memorable, but rather that it didn't resonate with me enough to remember it amongst the thousands of other words that were thrown at me. Having a temper will not affect my memory, and the review neither. If I were a normal reviewer this would be different, but I'm afraid your needs lie elsewhere.
>Putting your story in the queue anyway.

>Zelda

I see what you did there.
This post was edited by its author on .

Better Days (working title) 1274

Tactical!Rainboom

2500ish words

#mature #shenanigans
No, sex is not against mlpchan's rules. This has sex in it but otherwise nothing even remotely offensive.

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash grew up in Cloudsdale, center of cloud-culture, home of the largest weather center in the world. These are her stories.

[Edited by a moderator]


Special request: Please comment on the character with a thick accent.
This post was edited by a moderator on .

Anonymous ## Mod 1278

>>1274
Hello
We indeed authorize Mature content on /fic/, however, it's not authorized to post it outside of threads marked as Mature.
As a consequence, I edited the link out of the post. Please post your story in an appropriate thread!

1285

>>1278

I thought that might be the case once I saw that I can't make my individual post #mature.

Okay. I'll go deal with it like I'm supposed to.

1352

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>>1274
>>1278
That one's been a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around. When I first came here I was told the rules were primarily the same as Ponychan, so I wrote it that way. I'll ask !Applejack if he can explain it to me, and edit the OP.

>>1285
If you'd still like to add your story to the queue, I can do that, but I'll need the link.

Tactical 1361

Hai thar.

Jus' making sure you got my email?

Review: Twilight’s Odyssey 1431

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>>1116
In which,
>Did I say “next few days”? I meant a week :3

The Mane Events
Filly Twilight and her family are headed to the summer sun celebration, when distracting thoughts of possibly messing up the event plague her mind, and cause her to lose track of her parents. She becomes lost in the city and, trying to find help, stumbles upon a young Trixie, who leads Twilight into the fortune teller’s tent, owned by Trixie’s mother. She shows Twilight a series of images from her future, depicting her life in Ponyville, and the impending destruction of Equestria. Her older brother, Shining Armor, finds and collects her, after trying to pay the fortune teller, who refuses. As they walk back toward their parents, Shining Armor tells Twilight about his acceptance into Saddle Point, the Equestrian equivalent of the Naval Academy, but also that he will not be able to see her again for two years. She becomes upset, he reassures her that everything will be fine, and then they meet up with their parents again.

The Underlying Plot
Unicorns have always carried the divine task of raising and lowering the celestial bodies, and Twilight Sparkle is anxious to do her part to contribute. But does fate have a hand in her future? Unspoken dark events are about to unfold, and Twilight is foretold to be at the forefront of it all.

Relevance to the synopsis
I must admit, it took me a few moments to remember that you had mentioned in the synopsis that Celestia never existed, and I will assume that that extends to Luna as well. All in all, very nice; I cannot wait to read the rest, provided I find the time.

What I thought of it
I did mention a moment ago that I enjoyed it. At first I was simply reading to read, as the only thing enticing was finding out if Twilight would be lost for the rest of the story, or if she would simply find her parents again. You pulled a good trick there, and I have to commend you for it. Always keep your readers guessing, but I think you knew that.

Special scene Requests
You didn’t ask for special attention on anything, so I gave you a uniform scrutinization.

1439

>>1431

Awesome! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

>Always keep your readers guessing


Yeah, it will take a few chapters before the overlying conflict of the story becomes apparent, so I'll have to find other ways to keep you people reading. Don't worry though, I've got a few ideas of how to keep you at the edge of your seats ;)

Review 1485

Well, I would like to thank you for your time if you do choose to review this.
[Title] It's The Thought That Counts
[Author] Me, yea, vain much?
[Tags] Slice of Life and Alternate Universe
[Synopsis] The young filly who's name was Sparkle died when she was adopted. Her name is Twilight Lulamoon, living happily with her adoptive sister Trixie. Life is just as it is, she goes to school, studies nonstop, and spends time with her sister. Just how did she end up a Lulamoon?
[Word count] 6k
[Link] https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B6WwltQ3PKgWbFhvdnBzX1ZhbjA/edit
Just glossy over my first chapter, that is all I ask. Ignore the notes at the end and the Latin lesson my editor tried to teach me. All in all, did I stay in character given the different set of circumstances?

Review: Jericho 1539

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>>1202
In which, nameless discovers that he finds both Twilight and Fluttershy attractive.

The Mane Events
Nameless wakes up in darkness, to find that he has not died. (youdon’tsay.jpg) After hearing voices, and arguing with himself in German, he manages to roll onto the floor from the table he has been lying on. After deducing who Fluttershy and Twilight are, he stands up—albeit painfully—and opens his eyes. He flirts with Fluttershy, insists that Twilight is trying to kill him. After threatening to slaughter them all, and blacking out due to one of Twilight’s spells, he wakes up again. Twilight mentions some doctor, and nameless realizes he is naked (as if this is out of the ordinary) and flirts with Fluttershy once again.

The Underlying Plot
>I should really change this section to just “Between the lines”.
Fluttershy finds nameless near the edge of the Everfree, and carefully and cautiously carries him back to her cottage, whereupon all the animals become deathly afraid of him and flee. Twilight Shows up and tries to heal him. Were the animals right? He seems like a very dangerous sociopath.

Relevance to the synopsis
On account of the synopsis basically saying “stuff happens” This could not be any more relevant, but don’t think that that’s a good grade for your synopsis. I should change this section to “Synopsis evaluation”.

What I thought of it
Wow, you stuffed *a lot* in there. I’m not even sure I got it all, and I really wish I could give this another look over because I'm not even sure this is a quality evaluation. And thus I have discovered the flaw in this type of review thread.

1540

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>>1485
Please don't feel bad about this, but I'm going to decline this one. Email me if you have qualms.

Thank you for your words. 1663

So, I suppose that this chapter was better than the last, then, yes? I assume that you liked it, at least in comparison to the first introductory chapter. And I'm glad to see my work with Hemingway's "Iceberg Theory" style of writing has paid off, since you seem to have even been thrown off by the "between-the-lines" stuff, so to speak (if I'm understanding your review correctly).

(As an amusing aside, I seem to have stirred up a quite a thing in your threat, with my posts being so partially responsible for you wanting to change your criterion and the like. As well as pointing at a flaw in your unique review style. I mean not to sound arrogant, just that I find it most comical.)

So, ultimately, I get a passing grade, that is is a good story, then? I'm on the hunt for the opinions of every reviewer ever, that I may one day be on the EQD. I thank you most humbly for your time, and apologize for being so slow in replying to your review. We shall not meet again in life, for the rest of what meager work I have is in bits of over 5k words. But until we theoretically meet in whatever afterlife you choose to believe in, take care of yourself!

- Crushric

1664

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>>1663
There's nothing wrong with voicing a notable observation, I do it all the time. If it helps calm your ego any, I was on the way out with those. You were just the grain that tipped the scales. I utterly despise the more common saying, as a camel would have shunted off the vast amount of straw long before a single additional strand could be enough to so much as fracture it's spine.

You do not get a grade for this story; Nopony in this thread has ever gotten a grade, merely my opinion. I'm not a judge, merely an instrument; a feedback reference so you can know whether or not the message got through clearly.

You take carem too, but don't be so sure. I used to do TTG reviews, and who's to say I won't pick it up again when you've got a story queued?
This post was edited by its author on .

Amendment 1672

>>1664
I should've mentioned that I have the annoying habit of speaking in metaphors, at least to a degree. By "passing grade", I didn't literally mean that; rather, I was referring to a positive opinion in general. Kinda like that joke I made in my request for a chapter 2 review, it wasn't literally, just me trying to be cheeky. All the same, I thank you.

Black Box 3 Breath of Plagues 3342

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Hey, Bleeding Rain. It's been a looooong time, but hey, chapter 3 of Black Box is out and I really value your opinion. Tell me what you think and hopefully you'll have suggestions on how to improve it or, if I do anything right for once, show me how and why so I can focus on that.

So, here's the story:

[Title] Black Box
[Tags] Dark, Sad, Adventure
[Word Count] 6,500
[Synopsis]

Cutie Marks:Their appearance marks a very joyous occasion for the youth of Equestria, but not all cutie marks are innocent. Some unlucky foals develop much darker natured marks. These young ponies all soon disappear without a trace, never to be heard from again. They disappear to Black Box.

[Link] https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sn7CyNKe0LfaSeP6OrjybkoEkqx-nzTCP9kfunUdIig/edit

So a little disclaimer: Each chapter has been gradually amping the maturity, so this one gets pretty violent. If that's a problem for anyone just don't go read this. I'm not trying to be cupcakes but this is mature.

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 3344

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>>3342
>THREAD NOT DEAAAAAAAAD!!!!! yay
At once! It is in the queue at once, and I'll try not to randomly forget about an entire scene this time.
Oh, this is going to be awesome!

Breath of Plagues 3345

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>>3344
Wow, that was fast. I hope you enjoy it. It was a lot of fun to write (though, I got stuck a lot too). I just wish I had more readers who gave feedback or something.

Anyways, I have a question. I'm interested in getting a brutal review by Umbra but I'm not really familiar with how the maturity thing goes here. Will, I have to try to contact him offsite or will he not take mature stories? Do I have to go to a mature thread (of which seem to be for clop, anyways.) Pic related, it's in own way.

Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 3346

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>>3345
Read his thread.
>2) Follow the MLPchan guidelines. That means no clop and no excessive gore, or more accurately, not publicly. If you have a story that violates the MLPchan guidelines, I will usually still review it. Email it to me at [email protected]
>not publicly.
>Email it to me
He's probably okay with it. I'd go ahead and email it if I were you, the worst he can do is say no.

P.S. I'm totally with you for the hardcore review thing. I've been trying to get one of those out of him since last April, except every time I ready a story for review, his thread closes on me.
This post was edited by its author on .

Review: Black Box Bleeding Rain!DROPScczL2 3361

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>>3342
In which, a black pony slaughters a bunch of guards, some ponies try to escape, and Celestia comes to visit.

The Mane Events
Lab techs and security guards run for their lives from a mysterious black pony with incredible magical abilities. They are mostly all slaughtered, but three of them make it to a laboratory room with a blast door. They struggle to close the blast door, and almost fail, but a smart young lab tech takes a shard gun and fires through the crack in the door, giving them the one chance they need to shut it. Now they wait in the dark, but something is breaking through the glass on the far side of the room.

Wave Chaser wakes up to hear the sound of shard guns being fired behind some wall. Wherever they are, it must be safe, because Quick Step is fast asleep. Wave Chaser recalls what Origin said to her, about his dark mark, and she is worried about him. Quick Step wakes up long enough to try to talk Wave Chaser out of using her dark mark, which she does anyway, and vanishes.

Falter Reach continues his usual charade of hiding the true identity of Black Box from Celestia. Atmosphere, the warden, struggles to find answers for Celestia’s questions. They head downstairs in an elevator, and Atmosphere gets a message from his PDA. He informs Reach that two new guards have been stationed, and then heads off somewhere, just as two more ponies break out of their cells.

Between The Lines
Black Box is in complete disarray. Abyss, the bringer of death, has broken out, or been let out by a saboteur, who likely lost his life shortly after. Three friends, Wave Chaser, Quick Step, and Origin, are fighting to escape the vast underground prison that is Black Box. Atmosphere has to blackmail one of the inmates, Falter Reach, to alter Celestia’s perception of Black Box in order to keep it a secret. He fears Reach, though, for he knows what horrible fate could befall him should Reach ever turn on him, or any of the other inmates.

Synopsis Review
Once again, I love it. Dark, ominous, foreboding—a well baited hook. And the story does indeed deliver. Well done BoP.

My Thoughts
This kind of needs a really thorough proofreading check. You’ve got missing words and punctuations all over the place, and several odd words as well. Would I be correct in assuming that I’m the first to see this? Another thing, is this a later chapter from another story I recall reading? It was about a pony who could survive anything, but whenever he chose to survive instead of die, a filly somewhere was killed in his place. It sounds like that might just be Origin. Either way, I enjoyed this. Technically it goes over the blood and gore boundary line, but I wasn’t offended by it, and in fact enjoyed it. Plus it’s not like anypony but you and me are going to see this review anyway.

I’m very curious to see what Abyss’s deal is. Is he just, like, a true psychopath, or is he being controlled by something? Is his mark compelling him to do it? What’s up with Wave Chaser and Quick Step? Where are they? And what happened to Origin? In any case, this story reminds me of just why I enjoy this kind of fiction, and is right up there with Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory on my favorites list.

Review Response Breath of Plagues 3374

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>>3361
Thanks for the review. Yeah, there were a lot of errors I missed. I put it in the auto proofreader and I'm going to go through and fix it up next chance I get.

>Another thing, is this a later chapter from another story I recall reading? It was about a pony who could survive anything, but whenever he chose to survive instead of die, a filly somewhere was killed in his place. It sounds like that might just be Origin.


It is. That was Black Box chapter 2. Origin's mark MAKES him regenerate at the cost of a life. He can store lives for payment, and steal them from people close to death. The first time he died he didn't have any lives to use, so one was forcibly selected at random and that just happened to be a filly. It set up a consequence to him dying too much. He can never die, but it causes trauma for him.

Chapter 2, would clear up all of your questions except for Abyss' personality. He's not a psychopath but he's not completely sane. I won't spoil anything else.

I guess my only concern that you highlighted is that you believed the ponies that entered the hallway at the end of the scene were prisoners. They're not. They're the real ones behind the creation and goals of Black Box, and they've come for THEIR evaluation. I might need to clear that up but the next chapter will clear up who they are for sure.

Thanks for the look Rain. I always enjoy your help and encouragement.I better fix those errors before Umbra rapes me…

Shameless bump 6842

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