Here comes the pain. I'll be editing in my reviews as I finish the stories, so check back every once in a while.
A Sister's Gift
That Invincible Flame
Of Green Bottles and Grey Bubbles
The Sun in Flight
Forewarning: I love to tear stories apart. Read my review for yours at your own risk.Lavender
Right, so I had a review that listed specific problems made and ready for posting, then I nuked it because I'm dumb like that, so you're getting the short and bitter version instead.A Sister's Gift
Wall'o'Text is an apt term for some of this story. Your formatting is in critical condition. The exposition was beyond wangst; if sorrow was sugar, Spike would have died from diabeetus. I don't think you know how colons work. Repetitive descriptions run rampant; the story should have been named Orange with how many times you tell the reader what colour Spike's scarf is. I've always viewed Spike and Twilight's relationship to be a sort of hybrid mother/son brother/sister thing, so shipping them (I think that's what happened in the end) set off a few incest alarms. All in all, a clumsy attempt to pull at my heartstrings. My time would have been better spent picking the lint from my belly button.
>Millions of stars were out in all their beauty. The night really is beautiful. she thought.The
Repetition between the exposition and internal thoughts. Also, improper punctuation.
>No Big Sister
When directly addressing another character, there should be a comma before their name, like so:
>No, Big Sister
I’m also not sure about the use of capitals here.
A page of talking heads. Now if they would only talk about something interesting.
The lack of era-specific dialect doesn’t impress.
>"Silver Bell! Watch yourself." her mother said sternly.
Improper punctuation for a dialogue attribution. Should be a comma.
>re. Celestia took . . .
>"Ues, you will say yes, I know."
>You believe that your helping everypony?
>Your reign ends his Nightmare Moon
Typos for everyone!
I’m afraid I must say that I found the story to be weak and rather boring. As is evident from above, there’s plenty of mistakes, far more than I listed here. A good editor could improve it, but there’s a distinct lack of style to the proceedings that makes it lifeless and drab. Not terrible, but also not something I would plan to read again anytime soon.
Lamination Lamentation Chain
>A lady of her refinement never visitedThat Invincible Flame
>such dark and scary back alleys
Very bland. What makes it “dark and scary”? You touch on it next sentence, but it’s never fleshed out properly, resulting in the exposition equivalent of Telling, not Showing.
My, what a long word.
>Be deliberately ambiguous or unclear in order to mislead or withhold information
I do not think it was the one you were looking for, though. While she may have been less-than-detailed, it was not of want to “put one over on him”, to quote your own story.
>"So tell me: what brings you to my little shop?"
Personal taste, but I’ve never found colons in dialogue to be particularly suitable. Also, I would have put a comma after “So”.
>Rarity said, and felt as though it was the thing she had meant to say
I’m not seeing the reasoning behind the second part of this sentence.
>Spike pushed on through the driving snow . . .
This paragraph felt a little too heavy-handed on the exposition.
“Mom” should be capitalized.
>Glass of wine
I believe Word of Faust has said there is no alcohol in Equestria (granted, frothy mugs of cider are along frothy when “fortified” a bit, so…). No one ever seems to use salt, and it saddens me.
Not really a knock against the story, just rambling.
> It was port wine, actually, and the glass was half empty, which didn't matter much, because the bottle was still half full.
I think I see what you’re doing here. Each picture is being used in some way. Guess I’ll be finding out if my hypothesis is correct soon enough. I suppose this excuses the constant switching of viewpoint, although at least a soft scene break for each would have been beneficial. Then again, that could possibly ruin the transitions, so take my advice with a touch of reluctance.
>bringing her a new creature, one by one, back to her
Drop the first “her”.
Berry’s introduction felt a little ham-fisted in. Then again, I can’t imagine it being an easy one, so I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt.
I like the narration for the most part, but you keep dipping into something more informal, like:
>She attempted to bow, but nearly fell over, remaining upright only due to Velvet's reflexes, which weren't all that hot, either.
That last bit feels out of place.
And back to where we started. I do question why Rarity, who’s obviously worried about Spike, would stay in the store that long watching the carton play out, though.
Well, all in all, it was solid and enjoyable. I didn’t skim any exposition, which is always a big point for you. A little spitshine and polish and you’ll have a decent short story on your hands.
>Ponies grow older, move away, do bigger things with their life.Of Green Bottles and Grey Bubbles
I think that should be “grew”.
>“Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? They’re all my age and—“
Your smart quote at the end went full retard.
>Twilight walked out the door, torn between a grin and a frown.
I don’t know why she’d be frowning after Spike’s comment.
>She jolted backwards.
>“Pinkie! You startled me.”
Those should have been together in the same paragraph, methinks.
Rarity uses “Spikey” too much. It’s a term of endearment and, like all such things, loses its effect with overuse.
For some reason, I don’t feel as if the parts really made up the whole. The conclusion felt like a departure from the tone I was getting during the lead-up. Or perhaps it’s because I’m writing this snippet at 1:30 AM after an eight-hour shift. The writing was decent, but it never really wowed me and I must admit I found myself skimming in a few of the more exposition-dense places.
>I received another splendid gift from those splendid little fillies the other day.The Sun in Flight
I’m a bit nutty about repetition, so using “splendid” twice seemed rather silly.
>It's hard to tell with fillies, you know.
I feel as if that period should be a question mark.
Reading on, I see it’s some sort of repetition thing. Not sure how I feel about it.
>Not gift wrapped of course - fillies, as you know.
Em-dash, not hyphen, please and thank you.
>In vivid detail I was carefully painted in front of a small, red shop, through
> a small, red shop
This is something I’ve always wondered about. Would anyone be able to give me a reason why putting a comma in there is or isn’t necessary? I don’t feel as if it’s necessary in this case since the two descriptors would be difficult to confuse with each other. If it was, say, “orange” instead I could understand the need for a comma to differentiate between whether it’s a small shop that’s coloured orange or a small shop that specializes in oranges. Red, however, suffers no such problems (from what I can think of, at least).
>How disturbingly accurate, I thought, and I shifted my weighted, withered saddle bags hanging on my back.
First, I would change the “my” to “the”. Also, the second bit of italics don’t fit; it’s not worded as a personal thought, unlike the snippet prior.
>. . . no doubt because they would think it's subject true.
It’s: Contraction for “It is”
Its: Possessive form of “its”
Learn the difference. It could save your life.
> No… he was complaining about my patrons.
The ellipsis seems out of place.
>Thanks for the support Mac
The context makes it a little dicey, but a direct reference to a proper noun should have a comma before it.
>Thanks for the support, Mac
Sounds should be italicized. Most readers prefer the sound to be described rather than put in as an onomatopoeia, though.
I must admit, I’m a sucker for stream-of-consciousness. You have plenty of little errors and I can’t say I approve of your comma usage, but the writing remains somewhat engaging despite those niggling issues.
Had some troubles with the BBCode, did we?
>They were always galloping nose first into some wild adventure
I do believe “nose first” should be hyphenated.
> It wasn't long before the sun rolled down the side of the distant hills, and in a splash of red, dipped below the lip of Equestria.
I would suggest a change of comma placement, like so:
>It wasn't long before the sun rolled down the side of the distant hills and, in a splash of red, dipped below the lip of Equestria.
Generally, having a comma before an “and” is considered poor form since an “and” is a replacement for them in some respects. You could also replace the commas with em-dashes, depending on how much emphasis you want on the addition.
Heh, the conversation between Derpy and Berry got a good snort out of me. I’m quite liking the banter.
Unfinished or not, this is so far the story I’ve enjoyed the most. I don’t really mind that it didn’t go anywhere since you did an excellent job establishing all of the places it could go. Little hints like
>I knew how unexpected relationships could happen. I knew.
promise a reveal about some past relationship and, if I may do some speculation, I imagine it would have something to do with her apathy towards the holidays. You establish that she’s not seen very highly amongst Ponyville’s residents with the children leaving that note (and I quite enjoyed the sarcastic juxtaposition once I realized what you were aiming for). There’s plenty of groundwork, built on a solid base of interesting narration and dynamic character interactions. I hope you intend to continue this.
“Surprise!” “LERROOYYY JENKINNNNSSSS!!!1one!” Pinkie cried
>“Surprise!” came a halfhearted murmur in echo
Considering it’s half-hearted, a ellipsis might be more fitting, as an exclaimation point certainly isn’t.
Dash’s reluctance seems out of place, considering how much she loves to bask in the limelight, especially after Sleepless in Ponyville’s events.
>When she looked back up, there were enough stern glances directed back at her to make her shudder. Fine. She managed a weak smile and gestured toward the door.
That “Fine” seems out of place. It looks like a personal thought but isn’t marked as such.
>“I can try to light one,” Spike offered, “but… Princess Celestia might not appreciate it.”
Spike can light fires without sending things, unless you mean to imply he sent several dozen heavy logs to fall on Celestia’s head during Apple Family Reunion.
>Spike glanced up to see her wiping the tear streaks from the corners of her eyes.
Dash seems a little too melodramatic here.
>She hit the bump at the bottom and launched far across the grassy field, flailing her tail around to keep from tumbling.
How does the tail help?
>. . . she grabbed the leftover bit of cloud in her teeth, tearing after Scootaloo. At the last instant, Dash managed to get beneath her and catch her on the cloud’s pillowy surface.
That’s impossibly fast, even for Rainbow Dash, unless Scootaloo was launched upwards halfway to the heavens.
>Forgot that clouds don’t work if they’re not pegasi…
Did you forget the punctuation marks here?
>Scootaloo said as she looked down at her side, but her face fell. Still empty.
Not the word you were looking for, methinks.
>“Sorry, guys. It’s in Cloudsdale. You wouldn’t be able to walk around there,” she said, wiggling her wings.
You seem to have forgotten Twilight’s cloudwalking spell.
You really need to designate personal thoughts.
Well, that ending was certainly something. I can’t say I particularly enjoyed the story. The writing wasn’t particularly strong and nothing really caught my imagination in terms of plot development. “Bored” would be the prevailing emotion for me during this story.
This post was edited by its author on .