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Original Characterization Story Review Silver Strength!TwiDasH7n2 145

#Reviewer #OCs/Background Ponies #Accepting stories and outlines

Your story, whether it be drafted or in outline form, centers around characters whose characterization springs from your mind. You do not rely upon canon to breathe life into your characters, or expect reader familiarity with popular fanon. Whether they be background characters, or purely your own creation, you gave them independent life.

Want it workshopped? Pass it here. Mane Six or Human In Equestria fics need not apply.

No length limits, but if your piece runs long I make no promise to read it all. Your opening and setup and initial characterization will hook readers and propel your piece forward, or not; they're the priority.

Submit.

146

I guess since this board has no official record-keeping, I'll just post it all in a small hidden box.

This is a story of mine called Dystopia. It's an OC-centric story set 5000 years after an event called 'The Planeshift Convergence.' Why I just told you this, I have no idea. But, it helps… I think.

Anyway, here's the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/30970/Dystopia

Enjoy!

Anonymous 147

>>146

I've got you printed out; expect analysis by Wednesday night.

Tactical AttentionWhorse 148

Ooh. This thread is one for me. I've got one I've been working hard on.

Clop warning but if I'm correctly remembering who you are you'll actually like it for that.

One.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ro0onFk9TtxOv-gbspnTnAMDhNRFx77aChHgHO3j0as/edit

Two.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gb21i28hqEmep7T47VSTwvLD4zQdV8yJ7YNmSvryX88/edit

Three.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fuEPtXUXbCAT8IQ1C-0IrIQpbdbnzCdLm0YlDAn7OTs/edit

Together, a bit shy of 6000 words.

Tactical DidntBringMyTrip 150

>>148

>my lack of a face when I forgot to mention 3 is unfinished and I can't edit

Soarin' Strength!PiesHUZFqs 151

File: 1343128976230.gif (341.07 KB, 427x428, clop clop clop clop clop clop …)

>>148

Clop is welcome; pony should pony pony. Unfinished stuff works, too.

I'm not sure if /fic/ is allowed to host links to stories with erotic content, but either way expect feedback this weekend.

!!Applejack ## Admin ## 152

>>151
Linking won't be a problem - as long as it's properly warned for. Consider tagging ala #Mature for example. We are still discussing the potential for allowing it on-site as well, through a tag-and-hide system as you may know from our /site/ thread on the matter. For now however, linking with properly making readers aware of what the link is will be sufficient.

156

>>146
>>147

Postponed until morning.

Silver Strength!TwiDasH7n2 157

File: 1343303126421.png (716.97 KB, 700x875, artsy ponies!.png)

Dystopia paints an all-pegasus society, which differs sharply from FiM in its race relations and level of technology. Havenites bear protuses, which appear to be a smartphone and a mechanical hand designed to fit a quadruped. Such a tool allows pegasi fine manipulation without resorting to hand-like wings/mouths, or unicorn magic. Interesting.

To serve as a surrogate hand, the user must have very precise control over the protus; more saw than seems possible via buttons or eye gestures. Does a protus read its user's nerve impulses? Or tap somehow into brainwaves? Your piece mentions briefly that Ari's protus knows to open mail because she focuses on the appropriate icon, but that's a simple task – how does a wearer perform complex manipulation, or write? Do fillies practice with a protus until controlling it become second nature? Does a protus give tactile feedback? We readers need to understand what it's like to use a protus, and what can/can't be done.

Zero's protus includes a welding torch, which is a deadly weapon (and requires some sort of fuel feed, I should think). Are protus-based weapons common and legal? Is this a special privilege of his profession, or of working for the Provincial? Is it legal to buy a protus outside your profession? Is there a black market, perhaps for illegal modifications? Does a megacorporation – or the government – hold a monopoly on protuses? Does every pegasus have a protus? Are protuses programmable by the end users? Do they sell apps? Can they transfer large files? Are they a complete replacement for desktop computing?

Speaking of setting, Haven appears to be all pegasi, plus some earth pony slaves. The protuses make a more-or-less modern pegasus society credible, but they don't explain why pegasus architecture appears to be designed for walking rather than flying. A pegasus doesn't need a ground-level entrance (except for handicapped access and slaves), and cramped office hallways are a hard sell. Why isn't a pegasus city open and airy, incorporating clouds and lots of vertical space? Was Haven captured from a ground-bound species?

Haven is a slave-owning society, though we only ever see one owned slave (and four more for sale). When was slavery introduced to Haven, and how much resistance is there to slavery? From Ari's outbursts, it seems to be a recent change, and slaves still relatively rare, or she'd have done something before the story started. Her politics and temper seem to be known traits among employers, as no one will trust her with a high position despite her (apparent) qualifications.

I say 'apparent' because you tell us she's a wordsmith, but never show her smithing words. Articule Prose's speech is no more elevated than anypony else's, and her observations no more astute. Perhaps her talent only applies to written word, but if so, we need to see her work with written word.

We need to see more of Ari's strengths in general. Her flaws come through loud and clear – she's snarky, hot-tempered, and ungrateful – and I particularly love Magenta's observation, “You need a good kick in the flank to get you going. You’ve always been like that.” But, beyond her courage, we see precious little in the way of positive traits. Particularly in the second scene, when she complains at Zero about the free repair job he's doing, she comes off as a brat. Show us more of her good side! I trust she's fiercely protective of her friends?

Ari has room to be vibrant and witty and fun to be around, in addition to being a snarky hothead who thinks the world owes her something. Let her make Zero laugh.

Zero comes through much clearer. He's an engineer; a practical fellow of limited ambition, helpful, and always trying to keep the peace. Ari makes trouble; Zero tries to settle it. He's well-adapted to life in New Haven; a pleasant fellow, whose main flaw (so far) seems to be his eagerness to pacify conflict rather than resolve it.

Scene-by-scene breakdown tonight.

Silver Strength!TwiDasH7n2 164

File: 1343411658991.png (901.42 KB, 2000x1900, Dinky Doo reading the books.pn…)

Scene-by-Scene:

—The Haven Press office

-Excellent introduction of protuses.
-I love the way you show the discomfort of the pegasus who had to offer Articulate Prose an entry-level job. The image of stretching his wings out in the window's breeze is compelling, implies how cramped and uncomfortable he felt interviewing Ari, and of how poorly-suited pegasi are to desk jobs.
-Ari makes a scene in what is apparently a busy office building; employees other than her interviewer should take notice.


—Fixing the Protus

-Odd opening; the characters must have been conversing before the scene starts, but it doesn't feel like they were.
-Scene develops protuses more clearly, and establishes Zero.
-Where is this scene set? Zero's workplace? The shared apartment? Details of the location will strengthen the scene and reveal your characters.
-The time skip is awkward. If you're going to skip time within a scene, describe what happens during the skipped time; otherwise, include the argument, or end the scene there. Right now, it's an uncomfortable gap.


—Magenta's Shop

-Magenta and her workspace are established quickly, and her slave (Velvet) is shown before you use her. Excellent.
-Magenta seemingly defaults to Rarity when you don't have her character specified. Flesh her out more. She's a pegasus oufitting pegasi; aerodynamic outfits, or fabrics that flow elegantly behind a flier, probably take precedence over dazzling jewels or ornate-but-immobile styles.
-Minor note – the protus's tentacles extend from Magenta to the clothing rack, but we have no concept of the distance between Magenta and the rack. Is it a foot away? Or across the room? Makes a big difference.
-“You need a good kick in the flank to get you going. You've always been like that.” YES.
The slave clash plays out well; Zero's 'play nice' outburst clunks.


—The Market

-Perfect opportunity to show off Haven, its population, its wares, its architecture… surely a pegasus market would have stuff sold on rooftops, and clouds.
-Perfect opportunity for Zero and Ari to enjoy each others company. Were I the writer, I would have them peoplewatch, and let Ari make funny, biting comments on random ponies.
-STRONG introduction for a slaver – he's a person in a line of thuggery that purports to gentility, and you make that very clear without actually saying so. Me gusta.
-Differentiate the crowd more.
-It only took a couple sentences to bust the slaves free and escape; Ari's spur-of-the-moment plan works out perfectly and easily. Increase the physicality, and make it more difficult!
-Ari's confrontation with the slaver plays out well. However, it seems to put you in a corner. Hundreds of witnesses saw her commit a very serious crime, and she has precious few resources with which to get out of trouble. Does she go into exile, or hiding, or incarceration? Join an underground abolitionist movement? Surely she can't show up at the Provincial's party now, unless she makes a deal with the devil (say, “become a propagandist for my regime and we'll forgive your… unfortunate incident.”)


Concluding notes:

-Flesh out your setting and your characters, and let us know what makes them tick.
-Write!
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical DidntBringMyTrip 171

>>164

Dat feel when watching this thread with great interest and seeing that the one who asked for your help doesn't seem to be

Silver Strength!TwiDasH7n2 172

File: 1343514673954.png (412.16 KB, 900x900, Cloudchaser sleep.png)

>>171

</3

Anyways, I rather like your fic; if I'm industrious, I'll have analysis for you tomorrow. Cloudchaser is a lot of fun.

Tactical AttentionWhorse 173

>>172

I've observed a rather unfortunate situation that's gonna get worse in the next few thousand words instead of better.

I have two main characters, two supporting characters, two bit parts, and one Rainbow Dash. Zero of these characters aren't pegasi and one of them is more "groundbound" than "cloudhumper." Flitter is seriously the only one who isn't happily into Dashie-style polyamory and even she understands it and is implied to partake of it once in a while. I hope that this statistic doesn't grate on readers.
This post was edited by its author on .

174

Don't worry, Tactical. I was watching this thread for days. Still am, as evident by my reply. I was just a bit busy these past few days and couldn't reply.

>>164
>>157


Thanks for the review, mate! I'll set to work right away

Spitfire Strength!TwiDasH7n2 178

File: 1343605779111.png (593.92 KB, 1200x1500, Derpy mail's here.png)

>>174

>Thanks for the review, mate! I'll set to work right away


Great! Glad to be of help. Thanks for writing.

>>173

No reason a story can't focus on pegasi. Xelor's does, too… and FiM doesn't show us very much pegasus activity, because only two of the lead characters can fly. Seems like a natural space for fanfics to explore.

Regrettably, review will be delayed, projected Wednesday. I mean to cover chapter 1 and 2 together, as they follow the same theme (Cloudchaser is too wild and pegasus-y for her fellow pegasi, but wins them over in spite of themselves) whereas chapter three seems to take a different course.

Tactical DidntBringMyTrip 179

Funny, I didn't realize I was writing in that theme, though I. Certainly recognize that chaser risks being a mary sue because of it.

Well, looking forward to your feedback.

Silver Strength!TwiDasH7n2 184

File: 1343908737900.png (544.92 KB, 1280x720, Rainbow thick full rock-hard w…)

Windborne takes place in normal, modern-day Equestria, with the 'TV-Y' restriction eliminated so that characters can cuss and carry on. For the first two chapters, there are only a couple setting details to discuss, which tie together – bodysex vs. 'giving your wings', and the push-and-pull within pegasus society between interacting like ground ponies or like old-school pegasi.

The notion of bodysex is extremely convenient for erotic works. It allows you to play individual characters as both polyamorous and monogamous, without worry about pregnancy or contraception. Your characters can default to open relationships naturally, yet retain sexual jealousy and its power to drive conflict. Humans do that too, sometimes, but pegasi have a clear physical demarcation between serious sexual relationships and plain old fun… and the prospect of wingplay gives you a treat that the characters hold back until their One True Pairing. I'm not partial to the word 'bodysex,' (sorry, Jinx) but the concept is strong.

One piece could use fleshing out – are pegasus stallions fertile without wingplay? I'd expect them to be – a male gains no reproductive advantage from sterility, as far as I'm aware. Is the importance of a male giving over his wings a cultural result, rather than the product of biology? Or perhaps it's a natural side effect of female wing-based ovulation; there's no inherent benefit to males, but it evolved in females (to allow better selection of biological father/lasting mate), and both genders share almost the entire same genome so that males have a similar emotional response to wingplay, despite their bodies not actually needing it to breed.

…which could create amazing conflicts between pegasus males and unicorn or earth pony females. “I'm pregnant, and you're the father!”
“What?! You never touched my wings!”
“You – you're the only stallion I—”
“Yeah, but you never touched my wings. Doesn't count.”

Of course, some pegasi (like Flitter) prefer a ground pony style of relationship. I'm curious to know how readily she – and pegasi like her – offer their wings to their monogamous partners. Has Flit given anypony her wing-ginity?

…I'm not proposing Flitter x Cloudchaser, but does the 'incest' taboo still hold if wings aren't involved? One shudders to imagine what unicorns and earth ponies would think of that!

Lastly, youth and parenting, which comes up in chapter two but never touches on wingplay. How do pegasus children treat their wings? Do parents aggressively enforce 'no wing-touching' as a taboo? That's dark stuff, and can really mess a person up, but taboos don't come out of nowhere… and parents certainly don't want their teenagers passing out wings like it's nothing.

Character/story for chapters one and two will finish Friday, and your third chapter on Sunday. Work ends today, so I should hit those deadlines without difficulty.

Tactical AttentionWhorse 185

>>184

>male wingplay


Ooh! Good thing you went over that. I've since come up with an amusing idea that I am going to run with. Fortunately all I need to do in order to avoid the subject of male wingplay for now is switch pronouns.

Jinx pointed out to me (and I missed it while reading his actual stuff) that pegasi are actually a bit shy about wingplay—they would never posture about it, and there's a taboo against oral wingplay that I guess is analogous to some people considering non-missionary sex taboo.

Jinxie-canon wise, male pegasi are perfectly fertile without wingplay. This is STILL one of the most hilarious lines in the whole thing.

>"I can feel it. Mmmmm… I'm a mommy pegasus. You mated me."

>Pinkie fought back the blissful fog to ask a key question. "But… no baby, right? Because, no penis. Right?"

Additionally, Jinx pointed out that in the boring humping position a male wingboner would point the wings further away from the partner.

Male wingplay is never seen in his work so I realized that for all we know male wings might not be erogenous zones, or might be erogenous zones that are just there because they're there, like the clitoris or something. Jinx thought this was a hilarious idea when I thought of it, so I'm going to bring it up at some point: Wingplay is fantastic for getting boy pegasi off and it's even more taboo.

Just wait until Chaser gets her hands on a magic bit and a sufficiently kinky stallion.

I especially love your pic's filename.
This post was edited by its author on .

Tactical AttentionWhorse 198

You alive, buddy?

Anonymous 199

>>198
I think he's offline, but busy lately. When he comes on Skype I'll poke him for you.

Anonthony!EEEEEEEE2c 465

File: 1348429138440.jpg (218.52 KB, 859x929, AJ - of course you can, Pinkie…)

So.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8991/...Worth-Fighting-For

I've gotten through the first 2 chapters of a new story I've submitted.

Let me know how my original characters fare thus far.

Chapter 1 of S&S 2933

#Reviewer #OCs/Background Ponies

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uzniTfS9718e7xtW4fQBeXbsOsJG47jIaSYyIe3HINM/edit

This is like the third or fourth time I've re-written the chapter, but I think I finally got it. So I'm wondering what /fic/ thinks and whether or not it'd be good enough for EqD.


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