—The Haven Press office
-Excellent introduction of protuses.
-I love the way you show the discomfort of the pegasus who had to offer Articulate Prose an entry-level job. The image of stretching his wings out in the window's breeze is compelling, implies how cramped and uncomfortable he felt interviewing Ari, and of how poorly-suited pegasi are to desk jobs.
-Ari makes a scene in what is apparently a busy office building; employees other than her interviewer should take notice.
—Fixing the Protus
-Odd opening; the characters must have been conversing before the scene starts, but it doesn't feel like they were.
-Scene develops protuses more clearly, and establishes Zero.
-Where is this scene set? Zero's workplace? The shared apartment? Details of the location will strengthen the scene and reveal your characters.
-The time skip is awkward. If you're going to skip time within a scene, describe what happens during the skipped time; otherwise, include the argument, or end the scene there. Right now, it's an uncomfortable gap.
-Magenta and her workspace are established quickly, and her slave (Velvet) is shown before you use her. Excellent.
-Magenta seemingly defaults to Rarity when you don't have her character specified. Flesh her out more. She's a pegasus oufitting pegasi; aerodynamic outfits, or fabrics that flow elegantly behind a flier, probably take precedence over dazzling jewels or ornate-but-immobile styles.
-Minor note – the protus's tentacles extend from Magenta to the clothing rack, but we have no concept of the distance between Magenta and the rack. Is it a foot away? Or across the room? Makes a big difference.
-“You need a good kick in the flank to get you going. You've always been like that.” YES.
The slave clash plays out well; Zero's 'play nice' outburst clunks.
-Perfect opportunity to show off Haven, its population, its wares, its architecture… surely a pegasus market would have stuff sold on rooftops, and clouds.
-Perfect opportunity for Zero and Ari to enjoy each others company. Were I the writer, I would have them peoplewatch, and let Ari make funny, biting comments on random ponies.
-STRONG introduction for a slaver – he's a person in a line of thuggery that purports to gentility, and you make that very clear without actually saying so. Me gusta.
-Differentiate the crowd more.
-It only took a couple sentences to bust the slaves free and escape; Ari's spur-of-the-moment plan works out perfectly and easily. Increase the physicality, and make it more difficult!
-Ari's confrontation with the slaver plays out well. However, it seems to put you in a corner. Hundreds of witnesses saw her commit a very serious crime, and she has precious few resources with which to get out of trouble. Does she go into exile, or hiding, or incarceration? Join an underground abolitionist movement? Surely she can't show up at the Provincial's party now, unless she makes a deal with the devil (say, “become a propagandist for my regime and we'll forgive your… unfortunate incident.”)Concluding notes:
-Flesh out your setting and your characters, and let us know what makes them tick.
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